There’s nothing like cutting down your friends and exploiting children, huh Dawn?

I don’t have this one in front of me right now, but I know I read the shit out of it. Stoneybrook is jumping on the JonBenet Ramsey trend and having a Little Miss Stoneybrook pageant. And the kids get the fever! The girls anyway. Instead of spending their free time getting felt up at the mall and doing meth behind the TGIFriday’s like all the normal thirteen year olds, they decide to coach the kids for the pageant.

This also gives the all opportunities to compete with each other and make themselves feel bad about each other and living out some sort of sick fantasy vicariously through these kids. Dawn the big feminist caves in her principles. I am not sure who coaches who, but I know that Charlotte Johannson is totally scared but Stacey forces her to do it and she recites some story while wearing a shitty costume, right? What the point of forcing her to do it? And Claire or Margo or one of those younger Pike brats peels a banana with her feet while reciting a poem. I’m sure Karen was in it and acted super bratty but everyone thought it was adorable.

One of the kids is good, and there’s some wunderkind named Sabrina that takes it home. And the gals make up at the end and claim they are glad it’s over. Yea, like the kids’ parents forced the BSC to coach their kids in the pageant.

Speaking of the BSC, I was sick the other day so I layed around and watched Mary Poppins, which is a fantastic thing to do when you are sick. But of course as soon as I started watching it what came to mind was “this is Stacey’s favorite movie.” Sometimes I hate myself.

This post was really a ruse to talk about my third favorite cultural phenomena, child beauty pageants. Yea, we all know they are creepy, but if you want to see one of the most bizarre and depressing things ever (and who wouldn’t?) you must check out the documentary Living Dolls: The Making of a Child Beauty Queen. I don’t think you can get it on DVD, but it is in parts on youtube. Watching Swan Bruner force that creepy pageant smile to please her mother is the saddest sight I’ve ever seen. Even creepier is this “pro-am” thing that the kids do when they are modeling their sportswear. Kind of a spastic dance-walk thing. I hear Leslie Butler, another contestant, is doing porn. Raise your hand if you are surprised.

Also, VH1 did a special called Little Beauties, and it is just as fantastic. Note Kynndey, who has the face and body of a 22 year old. Scary.

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Posted in: bsc

22 thoughts on “There’s nothing like cutting down your friends and exploiting children, huh Dawn?

  1. Emily says:

    It was Margo that peeled the banana with her feet, and Charlotte was GOING to act out a part from “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,” but she gets so scared that she runs off the stage and has to be taken home.

    Incidentally…I’ve totally tried peeling a banana with my feet. It’s harder than you’d think. 🙂

  2. cari says:

    Nope, Stacey had already moved away for the first time when this book happened. Claudia and Charlotte spend time together because Charlotte misses Stacey and Claudia was Stacey’s BFF.

    I remember that oddly, other than Dawn, the sitters/kids teams in this book had the same first initial which is how I STILL remember how they were paired up:
    Claudia/Charlotte
    Mary Anne/Mariah Perkins
    Kristy/Karen
    Dawn/Pike girls

  3. maybeimamazed02 says:

    Bravo’s done various child beauty-pageant specials too. I’m glad I’m not the only one who finds them horrifically fascinating. When I was little, I really wanted to do the local pageant, but my mom said no. I’m now eternally grateful to her.

  4. Merrie says:

    Kristy coached Karen, who sang horribly.
    Claudia coached Charlotte, who was supposed to do the “Charlie and the Chocolate Facroty.”
    Mary Anne choach Mariah Perkins, who sang well and was first runner up.
    Dawn coached the Pike girls. Margo did the banana thing and recited “The House That Jack built” while Claire sang “Popeye The Sailor Man.”
    It’s sad that I remember this.

  5. Maybe I'll Catch Fire says:

    That Kiddie Beauty Queen thing is the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. Why are five year olds modelling bikinis?!

  6. callmenay says:

    Are we sharing a brain today? I just watched some TLC thing I tivoed about little kid pageants, and my mind immediately went to Little Miss Stoneybrook…and Dawn.

    I mostly remember Mallory and Jessi being the voice of reason in this one. Oh yeah, and Claire singing Popeye the Sailor Man.

    Pro Am is FRIGHTENING!!

  7. RollingStone says:

    You should see “Little Miss Sunshine” if you haven’t already. It has some great child beauty pageant satire in it.

  8. Taren says:

    Oh my gosh, I’m obsessed with the child beauty pageant documentaries. Did you ever see the one with the two girls Brooke and Asia? The same guy did the weird singing to the pageant girls on that one as well as Living Dolls. There was also one on A&E about a girl who had cystic fibrosis. Pretty sure Tim made an appearance on that one, too.

  9. Nancy says:

    I could only stomach part one of that living dolls thing. I’m from England and child beauty pageants hardly ever happen, in fact I’m not sure there are any? They really creep me out.
    I had no idea the girls were so young in them! That Swan was a legend, she took all her mother’s ‘training’ on the chin. It was so depressing to watch.
    Also was creeped out by her mothers boyfriend..

  10. Stacy says:

    I hate that the BSC invades my mind randomly. Sometimes I find myself howling nofe air! in my mind. And then I want to shank myself with a sharpened spoon.

  11. calicodrive says:

    dont worry Merrie i remember it all as well:) sad but true. for some reason i also read the shit out of this one. maybe coz it was dawn? for some reason i loved dawn …*facepalm*

  12. Enid Rollins says:

    The paegant things just weird me out. I have nothing against overweight people as individuals, but it strikes me as odd as how 75% of those kids had pushy, OVERWEIGHT, insecure moms. Odd much?

  13. Amber Tan says:

    “it strikes me as odd as how 75% of those kids had pushy, OVERWEIGHT, insecure moms.”

    Did you also notice that they all have Southern accents as well? FWIW, I think the kiddie pageant obsession is really a Southern thing. I live in the Southeast now but grew up in upstate NY. We had cheerleading competitions and dance recitals but no beauty pageants to speak of. Dressing up your young daughters as tarts and teaching them to flirt, wiggle lasciviously, etc. was pretty much frowned upon.

    BITD when I was a cheerleader, we weren’t allowed to do sexy moves at all and there were explicit rules re: uniform, hair, and make-up. The older (high school) age cheerleaders were allowed to wear make-up but elementary age couldn’t and middle schoolers could only wear a little lip gloss. Plus the judges could (and did) ding you on points if they thought anyone on your team had violated these rules.

    Also, the fact that one of those so-called ‘moms’ pulled her daughter out of school to practice her dance routines makes my blood boil. That’s illegal!

  14. Becci says:

    I am watching Living Dolls right now thanks to your link! Talk about child abuse.

    It is so sad watching that little girl put up with her psycho bitch of a mother. The mom keeps saying things like, “It’s not about the awards. It’s about that little girl thinking ‘I can do it!'” and it’s like, um, no, it’s about that little girl thinking, “Mommy says I have to do it if I want to be valuable as a human being.” Hooray?

  15. MJ McStabby says:

    “But of course as soon as I started watching it what came to mind was “this is Stacey’s favorite movie.” Sometimes I hate myself.”

    bwahahahaha, I totally feel this way sometimes. Often, if someting rhymes in my head, I feel like that one Pike that wanted to be a poet. And it does indeed make me hate myself. It’s not nearly as awesome to have stuff in real-life remind you of a YA book as it is to make comparisons between your life and Simpsons episodes (which I do constantly.)

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