Return of the Evil Twin

Unnecessary sequels

Unexplained time travel

Multiplicity

Twin invasion

Manipulative plot twists

Sociopath mentality

Omg you guys. Don’t you hate it when you find out you have a long lost twin and when you go to find her, she’s hatching an insane murderous plot and then she lets you in on it but then she like becomes total control freak about it? Man, that is on my list of top five pet peeves.

Oy gevault. What is there to say about this plot? On the one hand, it is so ridiculous and rehashed. On the other hand, kind of awesome.

Oooh, the broken glass angel. Sooooo much symbolism! Or some Visual Communication major’s final project!

And seriously, the ghost writers REALLY need to read each other’s books, because then they wouldn’t use the same shit all over again.

We begin with boring old Enid having a caroling party at Secca Lake. Leave it to Enid to have such a dorky party. It’s kind of foggy or something and Todd gets into an accident on the way up and gis car flips over and is hanging on the edge of a cliff. Jessica comes by and drags him out of the burning wreckage and she’s a hero. I know this is like the 10th burning car wreckage I’ve read about.

Elizabeth, instead of being grateful that her sister saved the only guy that would ever put up with her shit, turns into a NEEDY, BRATTY, jealous person, jealous that Jessica and Todd have a special bond, jealous that Jessica is getting all this attention to being a hero. Are we surprised, really? And, may I add that this is totally ridiculous for her to suspect they are having an affair, after they actually did after she was arrested for the jungle prom punch incident? And, may I add, in some secret diary where Jessica and Todd suck face? Why do I even try to find the logic? At one point Todd tells her, “Liz, it’s not like you to be jealous!” Chyah.

Anyway, Nora is a poor tragic girl from the south whose father died and whose stepmother kicked her out. She finds out about Margo and goes on a quest to find her, only to find out she is alive. Even Nora is a bit creeped out by Margo. Margo shares her plan to take over the Wakefield twins and figures, hey, there are two of us, let’s just kill them both. Only problem? They are fighting over who gets to be who! They both want to be Jessica because they think Liz is boring. Ha! I also kind of love the idea that they hate the Wakefield family because they are so sickeningly perfect. It’s like this book was the way for a ghostwriter to hate on the twins. Kind of a passive-aggressive protest.

Can I add that how awesome would it be to have had a spin-off series about Nora and Margo and extend their obsessive hatred of the Wakefield twins? Their snarky observations and they shenanigans about impersonating them? I would so read it. Fanfic anyone? If I had time I would so create a blog from their perspective chronically their hatred. Or, if anyone has mad photoshop skills, it would be awesome if someone can make a cover for the series.

So the Wakefields continue to be their fucking selves and plan a Christmas carnival to raise money but are fighting and not talking because Margo made sure that Elizabeth saw Todd with her, thinking it was Jessica. Margo goes ahead and plans kidnaps Jess to beat Nora to the punch but then Nora has the same idea and goes to the Wakefields house and stabs Jessica in her sleep, but the Wakefields get home and ruin her plans to hide the body and take over her life, so she flees and Liz sees her and claims that its Margo, but the po-po thinks she is crazy, because Margo died. My computer indicated to me that that was a run on sentence, and seriously, it’s a run-on plot.

One other thing about Sweet Valley that we should add to this list: apparently coroners and medical examiners do not have time to check DNA, fingerprints, or positively id their dead bodies.

So this gives us a whole chunk of time where there is a big memorial services for Jessica and the whole town is distraught and they make all these huge speeches about how wonderful she is and blah blah.

Liz has twin intuition and knows Jessica is still alive and MUST be at the school since that’s the place Jessica loved the most. (Huh? Really?) The police won’t believe her so LIZ FUCKING STEALS A POLICE OFFICER’S GUN and heads over there. Nora also thinks Margo is hiding out at the school so heads over there to murder her before Margo decides to murder her. People, this is a book for teens, mind you.

There’s a big show down and Liz goes to find Jessica, but is not sure it is her, but then Nora shows up too and Liz can’t tell who is Jess and who is Margo because they don’t even know that Nora exists and its this whole wacky showdown and finally Liz saves the real Jess and the authorities apprehend Nora, because as it turns out it was really Margo in Jessica’s bed that night and she killed her own sister.

This is the best part: the police FORGIVE Liz for stealing a gun from them because she’s such a hero! And Jess is all jokes and smiles as she emerges from being left for dead for three days! I am surprised the Wakefields didn’t celebrate with a pancake breakfast. Wouldn’t Jessica have soiled herself for being tied up for three days? Oh yea, the Wakefields don’t have BMs.

Oh wait, they do have a party in Jessica’s honor. Everyone is ok, no therapy needed! And this gives everyone else another chance to kiss Jessica’s ass and tell her how great she is!

Goddammit. How many Xmases have the Wakefields seen?

Aaaaaaand…the return of Todd says something homoerotic:

“I definitely see hot dogs in your future, Matthews” he repeated.”Very big hot dogs”.

Elizabeth groaned. “How can you two be eating again, after all the junk we’ve been stuffing ourselves with?”

Ken shrugged. “It’s lunchtime”, he said if that explained it.

“You girls stay here and have your fotunes told,” Todd suggested.”Then meet us over there at that concession stand.” He pointed. “In the meantime Ken and I will do some research on those foot-long hot dogs.” He and Ken hurried toward the hot dog stand.[I’ll bet they did!]

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32 thoughts on “Return of the Evil Twin

  1. Magpie says:

    I’m pretty sure the original Evil Twin mini-series culminates at Christmas/New Year as well. Doesn’t this book make reference to the fact that it’s exactly a year since Margo died? So that’s another Christmas to add to the list.

    I would totally have pulled a Margo to be the ghostwriter of this book. It would be so much fun to write! I love how most of it makes absolutely no sense. At least in the original Evil Twin books, I could understand why Liz and Jess weren’t talking to each other, given the whole thing about Sam’s death, but in this one they made up something really random as an excuse for their rift.

    I maintain that most of the people at Jessica’s memorial were probably victims of her abuse who turned up to point and laugh at her coffin.

  2. Enid Rollins says:

    So the whole town loved shallow, popular, like-all-the-other teens Jessica Wakefield? Come on. I know Sweet Valley is supposed to be small, but PUH-LEEZ, if it has a huge high school, a big mall, and attracts celebs…come on, wtf are big towners gonna care about an average teen who…didn’t do much?

    And yeeouch. You had to mention Vis Com right after I switched majors from graphic designer, spending half a day bawling my eyes out wondering what’s wrong with me. xD

  3. Vanessa Saxton says:

    Loved the re-cap. I love the Margo series. I so wish Francine was still “writing” books. I would love to see if Margo and Nora had a triplet.

  4. malika says:

    Hotdogs… ! That’s beyond subtly homo-erotic, it’s the sort of sniggering talk a thon i would have had with my gay bestie in high school…
    I wonder if the ghost-writers had a bet that they would manage to include the hot dog piece and get away with it?

  5. Melissa says:

    Oh, the whole Margo not being dead was explained away…apparently, a slashed vein in the neck does not mean you can’t hijack an ambulance and kill the EMT’s, culminating with a dive off a bridge, and then survive to plot your revenge

  6. janey says:

    I’m lost now. Just how many wakefield clones are there? Can we start an all wakefield basketball team, or cheerleading squad or newspaper?

    ’cause that would be awesome

  7. Jen S says:

    Are you making this up?

    Seriously, are you making this up?

    This has to be the most crack-out meth fueled whack job of a book ever written in the history of all mankind. And really, how many damn Wakefield clones are there? It’s Anna To The Infinite Power multiplied by Cheaper By The Dozen over here.

  8. ihatewheat says:

    No, it’s for real. Including the Margo being able to “pretend” she was dead and then running the ambulance off the road.

    Ha! I WISH there was another sequel where Margo and Nora had a triplet.

  9. Jennifer says:

    I think this crazy plot was a response by the publisher to the popularity of Fear Street etc. I remember being so annoyed by this! I don’t want to read about murderous lunatics! Give me my teen drama!

    Sigh.

  10. JP says:

    my favourite part of this was, as Magpie says, the fact that WITHIN ONE STORYLINE they manage to have two Christmases where they’re still aged 16 – the original Evil Twin book culminates at Lila’s Christmas (or New Year?) party, then the Return Of is also at Christmas.

    You’re missing quite a few Christmases from your list I think … I used to have a chronological list of all the books but it’s on my other computer. Will check later.

  11. Amy Slutton says:

    Ooooh, I’ve been waiting for this one! LMAO at the homoerotic references!! I read this once but I don’t remember those…. I thought this book was so ghastly I think I donated it immediately. Seriously, cracked out doesn’t even begin to cover it. Plus I hate these really violent depressing plotlines that take place during Christmas. I’m sentimental that way.

  12. BartTempleton says:

    I’m all smiles six full minutes after having read the Todd and Ken passage. My laughter when I first read it was positively JOYOUS.

    Folks, this is an example of “found art.” On its own, the passage is the usual ghostie piffle. But the addition of that one introductory phrase=Art.

    Others send Hallmark cards to give their friends that toasty glow I just felt. ..

    “I Hate Wheat: Because You Care Enough to Send the Very Best.”

  13. RollingStone says:

    Sweet Valley must have some VERY strict gun control laws if Liz has to steal one from the police. If she lived in the little redneck town where I went to high school, she could probably just borrow one from a classmate.

  14. Ellen Riteman says:

    I LURVE The evil twin books. This was actually the first SVH book I ever read! Before that I only knew the 12 yr old version of the twins.
    So the twins have had roughly 38 Christmases in their junior year of high school, but any Halloweens?? I know of a few halloweens celebrated in the SVT series, but any SVH? Feels like there should be, knowing how Lila loves those fucking costume parrtays..

  15. Magpie says:

    Ellen Riteman – #109 Double Crossed and #110 Death Threat take place over a Halloween party. That particular mini-series is one of my favourites. It’s like a book version of “Melrose Place” or something!

  16. Beth says:

    “I definitely see hot dogs in your future, Matthews” he repeated.”Very big hot dogs”.

    LMAO!!!!!!! I wet my pants a little and although I am 29, I am not ashamed to admit it…..How did the editor NOT find this to be extremely homoerotic??? Maybe the editor died from laughing at this entire plotline…..I really want to interview the writer! My first question would be, “Are you now, or have you ever, been under the influence of pshycotropic drugs?”……..Seriously!

  17. Cara Walker says:

    Yay – I have been waiting for this book to be reviewed for ages, and IHW has definitely done this whacked out book justice! LMAO at the homoerotic comment – funny how I never picked this up before. Same with #114, where Ken and Todd become “cheerleaders”.

    Definitely wish there had been a sequel introducing Margo and Nora’s twin – that would have been insane.

    Amy Slutton – I agree with you about the “terror” books and Christmas – I am a sappy person where Christmas is concerned!

  18. Deathy says:

    The Todd and Ken passage is hilarious! I never noticed that little innuendo before. This book made me so mad. I loved Margo and I always thought it was just so STUPID and out of character of her to leave Jessica alive. She would never have tied Jessica up and left with the possibly the she might just be accidentally found.

  19. tinypants says:

    Have you ever read the first “Sweet Valley University” book? Because I feel like that one, even more than the Evil Twin books, is like revenge on Elizabeth. Literally, everything bad you’ve ever wanted to have happen to her if you hated her in the SVH books happens to her in the first SVU book (“College Girls”). It’s kind of incredible. Especially the part where she gains weight and says (Marcia Brady voice) “But I’ve always been a perfect size six!”

  20. calicodrive says:

    i remember when i read this and i was like no way.. no theres crack and theres CRACK and Jess being dead …WTF? “I maintain that most of the people at Jessica’s memorial were probably victims of her abuse who turned up to point and laugh at her coffin.” LMFAO

  21. dirtywingsgirl says:

    Great, funny ‘cap. I always thought it was weird how Margo & Nora argued so much about who would be who as if they had to keep Jessica and Elizabeth’s personalities the same forever. If Jjess and Liz died, why not just gradually turn them into their own personalities? It makes no sen…..wait, this whole book makes no sense, what am I talking about?

  22. belledame222 says:

    -boggles-

    It’s like SVH’s ghosties played Ghostwriter Swap with the VC Andrews writers. and, uh, Charles Busch, I think. (“Psycho Beach Party,” anyone? Seriously: HOT DOGS? ahahahaha that HAD to be on purpose)

  23. Goldray says:

    Okay, Ihatewheat, the link above is the request for the cover for the Margo/Nora spin off. You are far more knowlegeable than I on how to make the picture show up, so, I’ll leave that up to you.

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