Do you give a crap about Dana Larson’s home life?

Yea, me neither. But this one will give you a glimpse into her boring suburban upbringing.

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Sally Larson grew up in foster homes and without a nuclear family, so therefore she is a sad, pathetic sack of shit. She is going to come live with her aunt and cousins, who is Dana Larson, lead singer of the Droids. Dana is totally stoked to have a project, and Sally has no personality of her own so she is thrilled to live with the glamorous Dana. Dana tried to make her over but Sally’s not into it. Dana’s bro Jeremy acts like a total asshole to Sally because his parents made him move his room to the attic so Sally can have it. So he treats her like shit. Sally decides she can’t go out with his friend because then Jeremy would hate her more. Still with me? Yea, I can barely keep my eyes open.

Sally decides she may want to work for The Oracle, and also because she gets to be around the awesome, beautiful Liz Wakefield. Liz has multiple orgasms when she finds out Sally is a former foster child needing some guidance. However, Sally is pissed that Sally is doing stuff other than worshipping her, and she doesn’t want to make Sally mad, so…this is the epic tragic struggle…she has to say no to Liz when Liz asks her to hang out with her at the mall! Oh my god, it’s just like Schindler’s List.

So then Dana starts resenting Sally because Sally tries to be extra helpful around the house and it makes Dana look bad for being a lazy shit. Finally Sally and Jeremy Mark are driving home from somewhere and Jeremy picks up two hitchhikers who threaten Jeremey to let them take the girls to Kelly’s with them. Sally is all “I’ll take one for the team and be kidnapped and raped, and allow Dana to go free. You know, because she’s just been so friendly to me” so she lets the guys take her to the bar. Dana and Jeremy go get Mark and there is a big rumble at the bar, and Dana and Jeremy realize that they love Sally and don’t want to send her away.

But….good news! The Larsons decide they are going to adopt Sally. Here’s my question: WHY DID THEY WAIT SO LONG? The poor girl was shuffled from foster home to foster home and she had living, well-off relatives that were known? I call bullshit on whatever caseworker Sally had.

Oh, and we can’t have a non-Wakefield plot, so this is the book that introduced Prince Albert the dog. Jessica sneaks the puppy in the house and they hide it from their parents while they try to convince Nalice they want a puppy. And then one day during a walk they lose the puppy. However, one day, Ned comes home from the pound with a puppy and fuck wouldncha know it’s Prince Albert. So the twins never get in trouble for keeping the dog and losing him! It’s such an Ingalls family moment.

Some really choice quotes in this one.

“Sally looked quickly in the direction her aunt indicated, almost expecting to see the same girl she had played with when they were kids. But standing in another doorway was a tall, leggy blond, whose pretty features were crowned by an outrageous hairstyle. She was wearing skin-tight, black stirrup pants and a gold lame dinner jacket, sleeves pushed up, over a black and white checkered shirt.” Whoa. It’s like she’s a backup singer on the Genesis tour.

“Elizabeth looked so earnest, so sypathetic, Sally thought. More than anything else right now, she desperately needed someone to confide in, someone she could count on as a friend. And Elizabeth Wakefield seemed to fit the part perfectly.” Watch out Sally! She practices that look in the mirror every night!

“Elizabeth nodded, thoughtfully rubbing her chin. “Uh-huh, I think she really needs some friends.” “Elizabeth Wakefield to the rescue!” Enid teased, raising her hand in the air. “Fear not, all you sad, lonely people! Elizabeth will save you!”” Hah, Enid grew some balls.

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29 thoughts on “Do you give a crap about Dana Larson’s home life?

  1. girltalkread says:

    ” A Genesis back-up singer” LOL! And yeah Sally’s caseworker SUCKS! As a social worker myself, I am goddamn ashamed!

  2. Magpie says:

    “She was wearing skin-tight, black stirrup pants and a gold lame dinner jacket, sleeves pushed up, over a black and white checkered shirt”

    Wasn’t Dana supposed to be all hip and alternative? It doesn’t sound to me like that would have been cool even in the 80s. It sounds painful on the eye.

    I always hated this book because nobody called the Larsons out on how they abandoned Sally for 16 years. Why didn’t anybody point out to them how neglectful that was? They live on the rich side of town, it’s not like they couldn’t afford an extra kid.

  3. Kathryn says:

    I remember how sad I was when the twins lost Prince Albert and how awesome that he was the dog Ned picked out at the pound. But even my sappy pre-teen self thought that was way too big of a coincidence.

  4. Jehanne says:

    I knew I loved Enid for a reason. And I NEED to read this book, just for that crazy hitchhiker storyline. I have a feeling that my next paycheck will be largely devoted to buying used books on Amazon.

    I have a small request: Could you please bring back your tradition of including a poll with each entry? I’m still reading through your SVH archives, and the old polls were awesome.

  5. Dwanollah says:

    Sally’s such a dishrag.

    And I would like to state here, to all y’all, that this book is the reason why I thought it would be hip to purchase a gold lame shirt in the Bullocks’ Bargain Basement when I was 17. No, really.

  6. Amber Tan says:

    There, there, Dwanollah. You’re not the first poor soul to be led astray by SVH’s fashion tips. If it makes you feel any better, I had a gold AND purple lame shirt in PAISLEY. I wore that monstrosity with black leggings since it hung down to my knees. Hot stuff indeed.

    Some days I take great comfort from the fact that I never wore jelly shoes. 😉

  7. Diana says:

    In reference to the tagline, doesn’t anyone who’s not a thin, attractive, athletic, All-American perpertual virgin have to change to stay in Sweet Valley?

  8. seejanesew says:

    just curious, does anyone else think Dana Larson on the cover resembles a blonder version of Libby Mae Brown, Parker Posey’s character in Waiting for Guffman?

  9. Cheryl says:

    loved the recap ihatewheat as a kid I thought it was a coincidence that Mr wakefield just happened to bring prince albert after he ran away..

  10. Xerox says:

    Wasn’t Alice’s maiden name Larson? Any relation?

    Alice’s maiden name was Robertson, I believe. However, Alice Larson was Alice Wakefield’s ancestor who immigrated from Sweden in one of those Sweet Valley Sagas.

  11. Jen S says:

    I totally remember this one! Especially when the kidnappers try to take the girls to the bar, and Sally, who’s been a total dishmop soaked in warm tap water up until now, gets all tough, because she’s apparently “been around the block”, calls Dana a bore, and suggests they only take her to Kelly’s (oooh, a name to strike quivering fear in the hearts of all teen Sweet Valleyians!) Dana is all shocked–“nobody had ever called her a bore before!”

    Even as an idiot teen, my inner bullshit meter went off at that line! Dana, your cousin has just taken your place in some horrific gang-bang scenario to save you, and your cutting edge panties are in a wad about being called a BORE? Let me call you a stupid, self-centered bitch and see what happens—yep, your head melted all over that gold lame jacket.

  12. Amber Tan says:

    “vjust curious, does anyone else think Dana Larson on the cover resembles a blonder version of Libby Mae Brown, Parker Posey’s character in Waiting for Guffman?”

    Yes, Dana does. Well, at least she’ll always have a place at the Dairy Queen, er, Burger. 😉

  13. lois walrus says:

    YAY!! i missed this kind of post 🙂
    i actually JUST read this book again a couple days ago and i remember thinking how “convenient” the whole hitchhiker crazy storyline was.. “perfect” way to resolve the conflict.. too bad real life doesn’t work like that! this is the kinda story that makes me wonder why something dramatic like this never happens to help resolve some conflict in my life~ like the whole “i feel neglected so i’ll try to commit suicide” and then everyone immediately feels sorry for everything they’ve done and everything is a-ok~ sigh* way to go francine pascal~ thanks for planting an unrealistic view of life into impressionable young teenagers~

  14. Dwanollah says:

    ITA, Lois Walrus (*snicker*)!

    And Amber Tan, let’s get Lila Fowler to take us shopping. First we can confess all our mutual SVH fashion misdeeds over a lovely brunch at Chez Sam, and then we’ll hit Bibi’s and Lisette’s and the Unique Boutique and forget gold lame ever existed!

  15. Fraser says:

    “Oh, my God, it’s just like Schindler’s List.” Glad I wasn’t eating anything when I read that or it would have flown across my desk.

  16. fast times at sweet valley high says:

    “Whoa. It’s like she’s a backup singer on the Genesis tour.”
    FTW!

    +1 for owning a hideous lame shirt that hung down to my knees. Mine was purple, orange, blue, and gold vertical stripes. No wonder my eyesight is so bad now – that effing shirt blinded me every time I wore it (and probably anyone in the vicinity).

  17. Sharon says:

    how many cousins they seemed to have! all girls! (hardly any them are mentioned in the sagas)

    how many brothers and sisters did Ned and Alice have?

    I remember a cousin called Robin, A cousin called Kelly, a cousin called Jamie who was a year younger?

    and I am sure there were two brown-haired cousins who were also identical twins called Jean and Joan and were twelve and Jess got stuck looking after them a lot cause Liz was going through one of her many personality changes at the time

  18. Goldray says:

    About the cover: Is it just me or does Sally have Donald Trump’s face while Dana has Donald Trump’s hair?

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