Family Secrets: a play in no acts


Ned: Well family, gather ’round! I have an announcement. Your cousin is coming to live with us. Her parents are divorced, so you know that means she is on the fast track to whoresville. Her mother is getting remarried too, that trollup.

Alice: Oh Ned, that’s horrible.

Ned: I know! That’s why I’m having Kelly come stay with us for a while. It’s up to us to show her what a perfect family looks like. It’s the Charles Ingalls thing to do.

Jessica: Omg! The three of us look alike. We should go to school dressed as triplets. That would be sooooo rad.

Liz and Kelly: ‘kay!


[Everyone crowds around the twins and Kelly and oohs and ahhhs for a good twenty minutes.]

Chrome Dome: [over the loudspeaker] Attention students! Classes are canceled this morning so you can all meet the new Wakefield.

At the Dairi Burger

Kelly: My Daddy is so wonderful! He is gonna by my a horsie! My Daddy! Goo goo ga ga!

Nicholas: You’re hot. I am going to take you to the Country Club Costume dance.

Kelly: Da da?

Kirk Anderson: Hey hottie! Let’s go dry hump somewhere.

Kelly: Ga ga?


Miller’s point

Kirk: Hey baby, how are you doin’

Kelly: Did I tell you my Daddy gave me a ribbon for my hair?

Kirk: Mmmmm hmmmmm

Kelly: Wait, stop! I only let my Daddy touch me there!


Alice: Kelly, your Mom’s on the phone!

Kelly: No! I hate her! She’s getting remarried! I want to live with my Dad in Sweet Valley!

Elizabeth: Now Kelly, parents are an important part of our lives. You should forgive your mother. Parents are our future. It would behoove you to converse with your matriarchal partner.

Epilogue, spoken by Greek Chorus:

Well, folks, that is the legend of the girl who has Daddy issues. Cousin Kelly finally remembered an incident in which her father threw plates around the house and that is why her father left her, which she was suppressing and secretly hating her mother for. And that’s why she was attracted to asshole Kirk, because he reminder her of her violent father. And so goes the fable of Sweet Valley, do not attempt to sleep with men who are like your father.

Ok seriously? Kelly sucks. And has some serious problems and talks about her father all the time. And I think she is kind of developmentally challenged.

Her father also cheated on her mother and Liz is all “that’s the WORST thing anyobe can ever do”….Um, have you READ your own diary?

Also, the three girls dress as the see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil for the biig costume party. And Kelly goes as “See No Evil”?! Get it? She can’s see the evil that is right in front of her? Omg! Do you SEE the symbolism? SOOOO DEEEEP!

41 thoughts on “Family Secrets: a play in no acts

  1. Donna says:

    Fantastic re-cap. The two things I distinctly remember about this book are:

    Kelly is described as looking similar to the twins but has “hair a shade darker and her eyes were green”…thank god she did not surpass the twins in the looks department. How pissed would Jessica be if a prettier relative got all the attention at school?

    The second thing is when the twins and Kelly go dressed as monkeys to the costume party, they drive there in the fiat and passer-bys genuinely believe that the car is carrying three monkeys. WTF?? I think the direct quote is “their mouths dropped open in astonishment.” Do the residents of Sweet Valley not have more than three brain cells and cannot tell the difference between a primate and a human dressed in a costume?

    And I also remember that Kelly agrees to write an article for the Oracle and Penny Ayala asks her to write an expose on the twins…how the fuck are the twins lives’ so interesting that it warrants an expose????

  2. Amber Tan says:

    “It’s the Charles Ingalls thing to do.”

    BWAHAHAHA!!! A direct hit! And the Greek Chorus-spoken epilogue? Beyond brilliant!:)

    ihatewheat, if I weren’t already semi-cyber-engaged to Dwannollah, I’d soooo virtually propose to you! πŸ™‚

  3. Beth says:

    “It would behoove you to converse with your matriarchal partner.” Awesome! Behoove is such a great word that is seldom used! And the whole monkey thing is utterly ridiculous! Stupid Sweet Valley residents! Didn’t they get the memo on the twin’s daily activity?

  4. lois walrus says:

    i think you’re losing your touch
    i miss the old entries where you would write what actually happenened and then make fun of it instead of sarcastic one liners w/in an act of a play…
    seems like you’re just getting lazy?

  5. lois walrus says:

    … waiting for someone to bash on me for flaming..
    but im just being honest..
    IMO it’s a lot easier to write one liners than to write out a whole synopsis with sarcasm in between the lines…

  6. Amber Tan says:

    No bashing, Lois Walrus. πŸ™‚ ihatewheat has freely admitted in previous posts that she is very busy these days so sometimes she uses the screenplay format when pressed for time. And the last BSC re-cap (2 days ago?) was a full synopsis so I vote to give ‘er a break.

    And the one-liner ‘plays’ are still funny although the Caitlin ones with pictures of the actors are the best to date. *Neigh!* πŸ˜‰

  7. Enid Rollins says:

    SV residents=stupid
    Kirk=boring version of Bruce
    Lila=shit, there wasn’t enough Lila! That’s why this book was so not awesome.

  8. Jen S says:

    Enid, Three Blondes = No Room For Brunette Whores.

    And seriously, what’s with all the copies of Liz and Jess running around? This series started to turn into “Anna To The Infinite Power” for a while.

  9. lois walrus says:

    thanks for the explanation amber tan~ the non-bashing was greatly appreciated πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚
    i guess i can understand if she’s been busy.. didn’t know that
    i still miss the format of the old posts though… 😦
    reading those used to be the highlight of my day! πŸ™‚ it was the one way i got to read the summary of the books that i don’t have~

  10. Amber Tan says:

    I agree, Enid Rollins — not enough Lila!

    No worries, lois walrus. I’m sure ihatewheat is always thinking of us and tries to Do The Right Thing. πŸ™‚

    But where the h#ll is the d@mn cover snark?!? Y’all better get on that STAT. πŸ˜‰

  11. Sara2008 says:

    While I love the one-liners (“Wait, stop! I only let my Daddy touch me there!” haha) I agree with Lois Walrus. I like the plays, but I miss the synopsis. Either way, I really do love the site. Keep it up!

  12. Rhiannon says:

    So what was Liz? See or Speak no evil, because god knows that girl doesn’t do the former and can really use a dose of the latter.

  13. annakelly says:

    You read my mind, Amber Tan.

    Why are the twins only allowed to have boobs when they’re dressed in swimsuits? The whole flat-as-a-ten-year-old thing is bordering on creepy. I refuse to believe that super stylish Jessica would ever wear a plain tee shirt, although I begrudgingly give the artist points for making it purple.

    Kelly’s smile looks forced. And Liz generally looks creepy. There’s something about her eyes …

  14. Ellen Riteman says:

    I couldn’t even finish this book. I have enough boring daddy issues of my own to work through. And what happened to Cousin Robin and her lil sister from the SVT books? Do we ever hear from them in SVH or SVU? Maybe they disappeared into the Sweet Valley Triangle along with The Unicorns- minus Lila, a handful of minority characters and a couple Wakefield lover boys…

  15. Jamie says:

    The chick in the middle looks strange to me…her torso looks weird and her head looks shrunken, and it seems like her arms are probably too long the way they’re draped over the other girl’s shoulders…..or perhaps it just my eyes playing tricks on me. The more I stare at it, the creepier she looks. Im gonna stop now lol.

    p.s. I think the play recaps are really creative and a refreshing change from just run of the mill plot regurgitations

  16. Janelle says:

    If I remember correctly (I think from an SVT book, or maybe even just this one) Kelly is a relative on Alice’s side. I think she’s the daughter of one of Alice’s sisters, and then Robin and Stacey were the daughters of Alice’s other sister. And, yeah, there were no Wakefield relatives. Kelly’s last name is Bates, not Wakefield.

  17. Magpie says:

    Janelle, in addition to Kelly, Robin and Stacey, there’s a cousin Jenny who appears in “Taking Sides”, and I think she is also meant to be the daughter of one of Alice’s sisters. This does not fit in with the family tree as stated in the Sagas!

    And Jamie, I totally agree, the more I look at that cover, the creepier it becomes. Like the artist just drew one face and then copied and pasted it onto the other two bodies.

  18. Diana says:

    I had an immense love for the book with Cousin Robin and then twins menstruating and such. Remember how Robin had that cool black outfit with all the silver jewelry (it was somewhere between Randy Zak from Girl Talk and Stacey McGill from BSC) but then it turned out she was really a lameass… like Liz?

  19. Amy Slutton says:

    The Greek Chorus… omg brilliance πŸ˜€

    P.S. Diana, is that Talky Tina in your avatar?? Huge Twilight Zone fan here! πŸ™‚

  20. Diana says:

    Yes, that is Talky Tina! She was an HBIC if there ever was one.

    I just recapped one of the Randy Zak books from GT and boy, was that a trip.

  21. Malika... says:

    Diana, just took a quick peep at your blog, and i see yet another blog to become addicted to! Girl talk books… OMG!

    Wait, stop! I only let my Daddy touch me there! LOL… The girl in the middle looks like a 12-year old guy going to a costume party as a wakefield twin.. No!

    Keep up the good work Ihatewheat. I do miss the old recap format, but more because of the fact that they were longer. Still, better short recaps than none, i suppose.

  22. The Black Sheep says:

    THATS IT! Thats what I was thinking. Where the hell did Jenny fit in!!!??? How did she not get blessed with sun-kissed good looks?

  23. Diana says:

    Head Bitch in Charge, of course! I got that one from Miss New York. Which gets me thinking… how great would it be if VH1 could put out “Oracle of Love” starring Liz Wakefield? Todd Wilkins, Jeffrey French, Nicholas Morrow, Bruce Patman and various other Sweet Valley studs could compete for Lizzie’s affections.

  24. Robyn says:


    I see that you are recapping Girl Talk books and I must have a link to your blog, so I can indulge too! Pretty please?

  25. Amber Tan says:

    Pheewww…Thanks for chiming in with the cover snark, annakelly & co.! Nicely executed. πŸ™‚

    Yeah, the combined lack of boobage and abundance of wispy banged-hairstyles is rather off-putting. It makes their heads look freakishly bulbous.

    And OMG! Talky Tina! I heart that little HBIC. πŸ˜‰

    Great blog too, Diana! πŸ™‚

  26. RollingStone says:

    This has to be the Ultimate Sears Portrait Cover. People smiling right at the camera with their arms around each others’ shoulders is the Ultimate Group Photo Cliche. I doubt that even Sears would do a group portrait as lame as that.

    I guess the artist might have wanted us to think of it as an amateur photo from Kelly’s “vacation.” But in that case, shouldn’t there be something real in the background instead of that ugly color?

  27. RollingStone says:

    I just realized something: Kelly has the same name as the infamous bar where all the bad kids go! Do I see more deep symbolism?!

  28. Sharon says:

    Can someone help me out with the cousins and how many there are and how they fit in?
    I’m hopelessly lost.

    So far you’ve mentioned cousin Robin, cousin Kelly, cousin Jenny

    Weren’t there also a set of identical twins, Jean and Joan, six years younger than Jess and Liz?
    Brown eyed brown haired wrens? They appeared during Liz’s “alternative persona” time but cant remember

    And older cousin Rex? Rexy? who was killed in a motorcycle accident and that was the reason Jess and Liz were forbidden from getting on a cycle? Apparently Jessica adored him? But he was never mentioned in SVT or SVK

  29. Anne says:

    By far the LAMEST costume idea I’ve ever heard described… and I’d bet a good 20 pages of the book were devoted to thinking up the idea, making the damn costume, and then getting dressed.

    Sharon, I think that the younger set of twins were friends of the family not cousins, but I might be wrong.

  30. Anonymous says:

    I’m so confused by the ‘See No Evil’ crap. Maybe I missed something. How does that make a good costume? Did one pretend to be blind, the other deaf, and the third mute? WTF???
    I’m surprised they didn’t go as tricked out whores, like in Mean Girls. You know, like, wear slutty lingerie and bunny ears.

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