Ned: Well family, gather ’round! I have an announcement. Your cousin is coming to live with us. Her parents are divorced, so you know that means she is on the fast track to whoresville. Her mother is getting remarried too, that trollup.
Alice: Oh Ned, that’s horrible.
Ned: I know! That’s why I’m having Kelly come stay with us for a while. It’s up to us to show her what a perfect family looks like. It’s the Charles Ingalls thing to do.
Jessica: Omg! The three of us look alike. We should go to school dressed as triplets. That would be sooooo rad.
Liz and Kelly: ‘kay!
[Everyone crowds around the twins and Kelly and oohs and ahhhs for a good twenty minutes.]
Chrome Dome: [over the loudspeaker] Attention students! Classes are canceled this morning so you can all meet the new Wakefield.
At the Dairi Burger
Kelly: My Daddy is so wonderful! He is gonna by my a horsie! My Daddy! Goo goo ga ga!
Nicholas: You’re hot. I am going to take you to the Country Club Costume dance.
Kelly: Da da?
Kirk Anderson: Hey hottie! Let’s go dry hump somewhere.
Kelly: Ga ga?
Kirk: Hey baby, how are you doin’
Kelly: Did I tell you my Daddy gave me a ribbon for my hair?
Kirk: Mmmmm hmmmmm
Kelly: Wait, stop! I only let my Daddy touch me there!
Alice: Kelly, your Mom’s on the phone!
Kelly: No! I hate her! She’s getting remarried! I want to live with my Dad in Sweet Valley!
Elizabeth: Now Kelly, parents are an important part of our lives. You should forgive your mother. Parents are our future. It would behoove you to converse with your matriarchal partner.
Epilogue, spoken by Greek Chorus:
Well, folks, that is the legend of the girl who has Daddy issues. Cousin Kelly finally remembered an incident in which her father threw plates around the house and that is why her father left her, which she was suppressing and secretly hating her mother for. And that’s why she was attracted to asshole Kirk, because he reminder her of her violent father. And so goes the fable of Sweet Valley, do not attempt to sleep with men who are like your father.
Ok seriously? Kelly sucks. And has some serious problems and talks about her father all the time. And I think she is kind of developmentally challenged.
Her father also cheated on her mother and Liz is all “that’s the WORST thing anyobe can ever do”….Um, have you READ your own diary?
Also, the three girls dress as the see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil for the biig costume party. And Kelly goes as “See No Evil”?! Get it? She can’s see the evil that is right in front of her? Omg! Do you SEE the symbolism? SOOOO DEEEEP!