The Ghost of Tricia Martin: A Play in Two Acts
[Scene 1: Lisette’s Boutique]
Andrea: Woooooooooo!!! I’m a ghost!!! Whooooooooo! Of Tricia Martin!!!!!! WhooooooOOOOOOOOOOoooo
Steven: Your haunting beauty and nondescript personality reminds me of my dead girlfriend!
[Scene 2: on the phone]
Cara: Hi Steven!
Steven: Fuck you bitch, why are you so annoying? You’re not Andrea! Go away! I hate you!
Cara: Oh my god! This is all my fault? What did I do wrong???
[Scene 3: At the aquarium]
Andrea: So what are we doing for lunch?
Steven: THAT’S AMAZING! TRICIA LIKED LUNCH! This is such a coincidence.
Andrea: Ok, whatevs, can we just go?
Steven: AMAZING! Tricia also spoke English! I can’t believe my Tricia is back for me! Steven: Andrea, I am going to give you a test now to see if you are like Tricia or not….so I am thinking of taking hang gliding lessons….
Andrea: Ok, whatever…so as I was saying…
Steven: OMG! Tricia would have totally supported me in my desire to randomly hang glide! It’s a miracle!Also, can you wear your hair down and put on this ruffly shirt?
Andrea: Um, why?
Steven: Because it will make you look like Tri….it will make you look good.
[Scene 4[At hang gliding lesson]
[Scene 1:At the hospital]
Steven: Oh, Andrea, swo glad you can visit…that means you are really in love with me.
Andrea: Actually, my boyfriend is waiting for me outside. You creep me out, kinda. Stop trying to make me wear a dead girl’s clothes.
Steven: Um, okay. Shit, I should have been nicer to Cara.
[Scene 2: Later that day at the hospital]
Steven: Cara, I know I cheated on you and treated you like shit, but now that Andrea dumped me, I figured I should probably try to win you back as my backup plan.
Cara: Because having a spine is not hot in Sweet Valley, I will take you back! Besides, it was my fault!
Steven: How so?
Cara: I don’t know, just give me a tender kiss!
Seriously, the ghostwriter was phoning this one in. And everyone say it with me on the count of three: STEVEN, GO BACK TO COLLEGE! Stop hanging around the mall and picking up chicks. Oh, but wait, they conveniently had him “taking time off” to work on an independent study project. At least they tried to give an explanation. As if that ever happens during the semester— all your classes agree to stop for an independent project? I guess they were banking on young girls not understanding how college works. Or something.
What were the twins doing? Being super annoying, of course! Liz of course was shaking a finger at Steven trying to tell him what to do. Jessica was annoyed at Cara for being depressed about Steven because it took the attention of her and she was being a drag. Jessica also met a guy at a beach party who was a crunchy lefty hippy but went for him just to prove she could. He was all into pamphletting, going to council hearings, on environmental issues, watching documentaries and playing the guitar and actually talking about world issues. Of course, this was played for comedic effect, and Jessica ends up dumping him because he is JUST SO BORING. Seriously, with Jessica in this one, bewtween getting mad at Cara for being a “drag” and with this guy, it could go either way…it’s a wink from the ghost writer to show how obnoxious Jessica was or it is played without any satire….maybe I am putting too much hope in SVH ghostwriters.