Shouldn’t this be a super chiller?


The Ghost of Tricia Martin: A Play in Two Acts

Act 1

[Scene 1: Lisette’s Boutique]

Andrea: Woooooooooo!!! I’m a ghost!!! Whooooooooo! Of Tricia Martin!!!!!! WhooooooOOOOOOOOOOoooo

Steven: Your haunting beauty and nondescript personality reminds me of my dead girlfriend!

Andrea: WhooooOOOOOOOoooooooo

[Scene 2: on the phone]

Cara: Hi Steven!

Steven: Fuck you bitch, why are you so annoying? You’re not Andrea! Go away! I hate you!

Cara: Oh my god! This is all my fault? What did I do wrong???

[Scene 3: At the aquarium]

Andrea: So what are we doing for lunch?

Steven: THAT’S AMAZING! TRICIA LIKED LUNCH! This is such a coincidence.

Andrea: Ok, whatevs, can we just go?

Steven: AMAZING! Tricia also spoke English! I can’t believe my Tricia is back for me! Steven: Andrea, I am going to give you a test now to see if you are like Tricia or not….so I am thinking of taking hang gliding lessons….

Andrea: Ok, whatever…so as I was saying…

Steven: OMG! Tricia would have totally supported me in my desire to randomly hang glide! It’s a miracle!Also, can you wear your hair down and put on this ruffly shirt?

Andrea: Um, why?

Steven: Because it will make you look like Tri….it will make you look good.

[Scene 4[At hang gliding lesson]


Steven: Ouch!


Act 2

[Scene 1:At the hospital]

Steven: Oh, Andrea, swo glad you can visit…that means you are really in love with me.

Andrea: Actually, my boyfriend is waiting for me outside. You creep me out, kinda. Stop trying to make me wear a dead girl’s clothes.

Steven: Um, okay. Shit, I should have been nicer to Cara.


[Scene 2: Later that day at the hospital]

Steven: Cara, I know I cheated on you and treated you like shit, but now that Andrea dumped me, I figured I should probably try to win you back as my backup plan.

Cara: Because having a spine is not hot in Sweet Valley, I will take you back! Besides, it was my fault!

Steven: How so?

Cara: I don’t know, just give me a tender kiss!



Seriously, the ghostwriter was phoning this one in. And everyone say it with me on the count of three: STEVEN, GO BACK TO COLLEGE! Stop hanging around the mall and picking up chicks. Oh, but wait, they conveniently had him “taking time off” to work on an independent study project. At least they tried to give an explanation. As if that ever happens during the semester— all your classes agree to stop for an independent project? I guess they were banking on young girls not understanding how college works. Or something.

What were the twins doing? Being super annoying, of course! Liz of course was shaking a finger at Steven trying to tell him what to do. Jessica was annoyed at Cara for being depressed about Steven because it took the attention of her and she was being a drag. Jessica also met a guy at a beach party who was a crunchy lefty hippy but went for him just to prove she could. He was all into pamphletting, going to council hearings, on environmental issues, watching documentaries and playing the guitar and actually talking about world issues. Of course, this was played for comedic effect, and Jessica ends up dumping him because he is JUST SO BORING. Seriously, with Jessica in this one, bewtween getting mad at Cara for being a “drag” and with this guy, it could go either way…it’s a wink from the ghost writer to show how obnoxious Jessica was or it is played without any satire….maybe I am putting too much hope in SVH ghostwriters.

49 thoughts on “Shouldn’t this be a super chiller?

  1. Dwanollah says:

    You’d think that dipshit Steven would’ve learned his lesson the first time this happened with Ferny (!) the French exchange student. But maybe the fact that Andrea actually spoke English threw him.

  2. Amber Tan says:

    “Stop trying to make me wear a dead girl’s clothes.”

    BWAH! ihatewheat strikes again! Brilliant! 🙂

  3. Kathryn says:

    How many times was Steven haunted by Tricia’s ghost and/or memory? The French chick (a SVH Spring Break Super Special); this one; the one right after she died when he was soo guilt-ridden from dancing with Cara. Seriously, how long did those two date so that she had that power over him. Jessica disn’t mourn as much for her (many) dead boyfriends.

  4. Becca says:

    This should’ve been called The Ghost of Steven Wakefield – he totally looks like a zombie on the cover there. And Andrea looks kind of like a bobblehead (just like Tricia!)

    I kind of quit reading SVH by this time, but man, does it sound bad.

  5. Sue says:

    I don’t remember this one (I think I stopped reading SVH around #40 or so), but man the whole “wear Tricia’s shirt!” thing is SO “Vertigo.” But, er… not a classic.

  6. The Kuus says:

    Ugh, I remember this one. This is exactly why I always hated Cara and Steven as a couple, and Cara for consenting to be some lame guy’s backup plan.

  7. Mehreen says:

    I’m finally all caught up! It was worth every snarky moment. I definitely gave up on SVH at this point, but Steven looks like he is possessed on the cover and I understand losing your girlfriend can be a traumatic event, but seriously, get over it! Making her wear that shirt, totally creepy. I never understood how Steven was never at college either, but if he rules college the way the twins rule high school, they probably pass him for being a handsome six 6 brunette named Wakefield.

  8. Amy Slutton says:

    So true Dwanollah… I haven’t read this one but it sounds like a regurgitated version of Spring Break! Only worse! And Cara is putting up with it all over again? LOL!

  9. jamie says:

    Steven reminds me of a young Christopher Reeves…kinda….but not as cute….and Superman never had dead eyes.

  10. Eli says:

    See, Steven looks like he’s just discovered he is blind and is clutching at the ghost like a guide dog. Same kinda eyes that Ken had when he went “fatally” blind for about five minutes.

  11. RollingStone says:

    She died in book #15 and he’s still obsessed with her in #64? Liz should force him to see a psychiatrist.

  12. Cheryl says:

    I stopped reading SVH around book #44, but I definately want to read this one old stevo sounds wacko! good job re-capping iheatwheat!

  13. Lois Waller says:

    I think Andrea is channeling one of the original MTV VJs, Nina Blackwood.

    Or maybe Terry in Just One of the Guys before she chops of all of her hair.

    Boy do I miss the ’80s.

  14. Malika says:

    Steve is gayness personified on that cover… And Cara was always a wet sock of a woman, even apart from Steven. Friends with Uber Bitch Jessica and Steve “love-you-even-if-you-are-VERY-second-best”Wakefield.. That woman couldn’t posibbly have a spine!

  15. Alicia E. says:

    Is it just me or does Steven’s head look really tiny compared to Andrea’s? Maybe it’s just all that hair.

  16. BartTempleton says:

    I completely agree Cara drank Steven’s Kool-Aid, but I thought that was Andrea on the cover…hence, the aloof, chilly smile stare into space and strawberry-blonde pompadour (as per Tricia Martin).

  17. BadKat says:

    I just can’t get over that frigging hair. Good lord how much hairspray would that take?

    Stephen seems to find the movie Mall Rats to be the inspiration of his life!

  18. The Black Sheep says:

    Hahahahaha, OMG! Tricia liked lunch! The coincidence is astounding.

    Rollingstone, you forget, Liz is the psychiatrist. Lol.

  19. Diana says:

    I never read this one but I’m guessing Andrea was not in college with Steven, right? Are there NO hotties at that particular university or is Steven’s ego just so fragile that he has to date high school chicks so he can feel like a big man?

  20. Cara Walker says:

    I’m sorry, but how many girls can look just like Tricia (and conveniently stumble across SVH??. Maybe they thought it was okay to revisit the story line in #64, as the first time it was visited was in a Super Edition (and we all know Super Editions don’t count in any storylines!) The story line is ridiculous… however, I did happen to have a boyfriend a few years back who wanted me to wear his dead ex-girlfriend’s clothes (this is actually the truth!), so I can say with all honesty that Steven was acting SO CREEPY! And why is Steven so hung up on a dead girlfriend when he is supposed to be in love with Cara? Cara needs to grow some common sense…

    LMAO at references that Steven has Ken’s blind stare from #60 – it is so true! The cover artist must have perfected a standard ‘teenage guy in angst’ look for multiple use. Just add the appropriate hair and eye colour…

  21. Lila Fowler says:

    Cara: I don’t know, just give me a tender kiss!

    ^hahaha they were all so obsessed with tender kisses. ewww. such a sickening phrase.

  22. kiwimusume says:

    Wait wait wait…WAIT. ihatewheat was SERIOUS about the clothes thing? I thought she just said that to be snarky!

    *really fucking freaked out*

  23. girltalkread says:

    Thanks, Amber Tan! The first thing I thought when I saw Andrea was ” OMG that hair is sooooo David Coverdale!” and I am glad someone agrees!

  24. Leigh says:

    I am so highly amused by this post!!!
    Steven really DOES look like a 35 yr old plastic ken doll with that blank living dead like stare.
    Steven was so fkn weird in this book! I remember getting creeped out by the way he tried to get Andrea to be like Tricia, all the while poor Cara was getting dragged along once again.

  25. Vanessa Saxton says:

    My hair looks like that when I wake up in the morning…anyways, I just read this horrendous piece of crap and it was worse than any of them! Come on! Steven was such a zombie. Awful, awful, awful!

  26. Vivian says:

    The part I remember most vividly about this book is when Steven and Andrea are sitting at the Dairy Burger and HE TAKES OUT HER HAIR RUBBER BAND right there in the restaurant, without her permission, because her hair wasn’t sufficiently Tricia-like.

    Also, Steven freaks out when Andrea chooses an ice cream flavor other than Tricia’s favorite. So sad and transparent, no? Why does Andrea even date Steven as long as she does?

  27. Karla Keffer says:

    Steven Wakefield = Matt Camden from 7th Heaven. Hells, Sweet Valley itself is 7th Heaven, minus Jesus. Elizabeth Wakefield is a cross between Reverend Camden and Lucy. Jessica is Mary, of course.

  28. Jessibeth says:

    Not only did this plot copy the one with Ferny in it, but also Pretenses where Steven gets all bent out of shape because someone is sending him anonymous letters on **gasp** Tricias old stationery. There must be a one style of stationery per person rule in Sweet Valley. He goes all douchey on Cara AGAIN. Cara must be an absolute fucking dolt. Not only is her boyfriend a complete arsehole, but her best friend is a psychopathic maniac.

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