Caitlin looks knocked up. And that outfit is wuite unflattering. Remember vests? My first day of sixth grade, I wore black leggings, a huuuuuuge t-shirt and a tapestry vest. Hot. Also, that must be Jed, whispering in her ear and threatening to murder her if she makes a sound.
Anyway, we’re lucky to have quite an ensemble of thespians for this one. There’s like a zillion subplots, so let’s do some introductions.
Once again. we are lucky to assembel tinsletown’s finest for a dramatic reading of Caitling____, the first book in the promise series. There are tons of characters, so let’s review before we begin.
Megan Fox returns as Caitlin
Brian Bloom as All-American boy Jed
George Hamilton as Dr. Westlake, Caitlin’s biological father
Betty White at Regina Ryan, Caitlin’s Gram-mama
Wes Bentley as Creepy Jared
Mining Ladies and Mining wives (they don’t get names because they are working class and not attractive)
John Malkovich as Colin Wollman, the new lawyer for Ryan Mining
Lisa Rinna as Nicole Wollman, Colin’s bombshell sister
Taylor Momsen as Melanie Michaels, Jed’s kid sis
Naked Miley Cyrus as Eve, Melanie’s scheming best friend
Artax the sad Horse as Charge Account, a nimble steed
Oh Caitlin! I am so glad we are back together! After all the poisoning children, breaking up, getting caught in an abamdoned mine tunnel, I can’t IMAGINE anything else bad will happen to us!
I know! I’m so glad we are spending half the summer here and then the other half at your house in Montana. I’ll bet your family and friends are NOTHING like hick stereotypes.
Hey kids! Are you up here not having sex? I need you to come down to the party and entertain my fabulously important rich people guests. Caitlin I want you to meet Colin, he;s the lawyer for the company. I don’t really understood why I hired him, or how a mining company actually works, but that’s not important. Just know I have a very important job at a very important company.
Helllloooooo
Um hello, I’m getting a totally creepy vibe from you, but I can’t place it. There’s a chance you may later deceive me.
Meet my sister.
Helllooooo
Uh, gee, I see my Dad, if you’ll excuse me.
Caitlin! How’s my favorite bastard-child-that-I-didn’t-know-I-had-until-last-year?
Oh fine, but I am worried about you. Have you been getting laid?
Well, now that you mention it…
Hellloooooo!!!!
—–
Oh Caitlin, it’s so fantastic that you started a nursery school for the children of the miners who work at Ryan Mining! I see that growing up spoiled but by one, life-changing event with Ian has turned you into the most giving, wonderful person ever. And sweeping in with your privilege and saving these kids! It makes me want to date rape you all over again!
Hands off stud, we’ve got work to do. Ah, look at all the poor people in this town. How do they afford to pay their maids?
Ah, there’s that raven-haired bitch. I’ve hated her my whole life. One time when she was little she came here to give our presents with her Grandma and I wanted to touch her pretty pretty coat but she cried. That spoilt bitch! I’ve been waiting my whole life to get back at her!!! She weeeeel be mine. Bwahahahaha!
—
Oh hai ladies, whatchay talkin’ about? How you clean the house before your cleaning lady comes? I totes hate that.
No, we’re talking about how our husbands work in shitty conditions and Ryan mining doesn’t care.
Oh yea, that Ryan Mining. They’re a beast. I’m Caitlin….Westlake. Yea, that’s my name.
—
Grandma, Jed and I want to talk to you about Ryan Mining. Since I constantly need to assuage my guilt about being super rich and beautiful, I want to bring you a list of issues with it.
Okay, let’s hear it…
Heyyyy heyyyyy…..
Dammit! Now we can never bring it up again. I have to concentrate on packing for my trip so I’m going to forget all about this issue.
—-
Oh Daddy, I wanted to say goodbye before I head out to Montana. I’m so glad it’s just the two of u…
Hiyeeeee!!!! Hi lover. Smack!
Oh, I didn’t know you were together!
Yes, your father is an awesome fuck.
—-
Oh Jed, I’m so glad that I am spending the rest of the summer in Montana with you. I mean, I know we planned the nursery school, but I hate how it got in the way of my vacay. Oh look we’re there. Why is everyone at the airport doing line dances? Why did I pilot have some hay in his mouth?
Welcome to Montana! Hey meet my sister!
Hi Caitlin!
Hi Jed…. [rubs her genitals on Jed]
Oh hi Evie. Gee, you’ve grown up!
Oh Jed, ewhat a great house!
Ok, Caitlin, this is your room. We’ll spend the summer not having sex.
—
Oh Melanie, he WEEEEEL be mine. Let’s hatch a plan to have him fall in love with me!
Um, like, what?
Well, let’s seeee….How about we tell Caitlin that breakfast is at 10am, when it’s really at 7! And she’ll…sleep through it! Ha! And…and…and….oh this is good….we’ll tell her that marmots attack people so she will SHOOT AND KILL THEM! YEA!
Um, Eve, uh….
Oh, ok, and then finally during the big horse race we’ll loosen her saddle so maybe when she is riding the horse she will fall off and DIE!
FUCK YEA!!
—–
Wow Melanie, you almost tried to kill me and Charge Account, but I’m going to fogive you because since the little-boy-eating-chemicals accident, I’ve become such a benevolent, giving person.
neigh….fuck off….neigh
Did that horse say something?
CAITLIN! Thank God you are all right. It seems that once a year you always have a brush with death. I should have predicted it.
Oh Jed, I love you. I can’t wait for us to go to college together next year so we can continue to not have sex.
Uh, I have to tell you something. I’ve decided at the last minute to go to the local agricultural college because I want to be a professional rancher like my father. It’s okay, apparently admission procedures don’t really work. It’s for the better really. After a month I would have been dry humping girls on the beer-soaked floor of my fraternity house, while you are waiting in your pink ruffly dorm room.
Well, that’s ok Jed, because our love is so pure that nothing can get in our way!
Or will it? DUN DUN DUNNNNNN………….
That Jared is such a babe. His eyes are way to blue: they creep me out. Hilarious though!! The horse seems to be the only sane one.
“look at all the poor people in this town. How do they afford to pay their maids?” Too funny! And I liked how the miners were too unattractive to bother to know their names!
so funny! and I still love brian bloom… all hot in that cadillac escalade commercial. yum!
I’m confused… I thought creepy, eeevil Julian (not Jared) was the guy who was obsessed with ruining Caitlin’s life? I don’t remember a Jared…
John Malkovich=best Colin Wollman ever.
“Caitlin looks knocked up.”
Agreed. And what a lead in! You sure know how to engage the reader, ihatewheat.
“Yes, your father is an awesome fuck.”
BWAH! BTW, what happened to Duster?
I don’t know who this Wes guy is, but the one REALLY BLUE eye compared to the normal one sure does make him look psycho.
“neigh….fuck off….neigh”
Best. line. ever.
I’ve never read the Caitlin series, but I would totally see the movie/play version if you directed, ihatewheat 😀
“Oh Caitlin, it’s so fantastic that you started a nursery school for the children of the miners who work at Ryan Mining! I see that growing up spoiled but by one, life-changing event with Ian has turned you into the most giving, wonderful person ever. And sweeping in with your privilege and saving these kids! It makes me want to date rape you all over again!”
and
“CAITLIN! Thank God you are all right. It seems that once a year you always have a brush with death. I should have predicted it.”
BRIL!
And I love how stupid Eve and Melanie’s Big Twisted Plots against Caitlin are. Melanie convinces Caitlin that rodents are poison, so after days of planning and hours and hours of driving (including the horses in trailers) they get to their campsite, Caitlin shoots one, and Jed… is so hurt and disgusted he packs up and they go back to the ranch? Really?
Someone needs to do a count of all the jumpsuits in this book, too. I seem to remember Caitling wearing a white silk one to a BBQ. And eating ribs. HA! That was a bigger “as if” than her winning the big horsie race!
Awesome. I think I need to buy these books on Ebay…of course, I will probably be disappointed that they are not as good as the recap.
Also I know in the last dramatic reading I broke news that Megan Fox was engaged to one Brian Austin Green. Sad to say that she has called off the engagement. Too sad. If this were 1993, I’d be all, BAG call me!
“I’m confused… I thought creepy, eeevil Julian (not Jared) was the guy who was obsessed with ruining Caitlin’s life? I don’t remember a Jared…”
DAMMIT! YOU JUST GAVE IT AWAY!
jk. I am pretty sure Jared turns himself into Julian. But that is as obvious as an M. Night Shamalayn ending.
That was beautiful.
And nice casting of Taylor Momsen as the fucktard impressionable little sis. Spot on.
“Jake,” not “Jared”!
I know, I just ruined everything again.
Did I mention, the casting on this? So awesome!
“It makes me want to date rape you all over again!”
I actually just found and read Promises last night and that part _really_ shocked me. How creepy that he walked around for two days planning to rape his own girlfriend! And what he says to her! “Oh, Caitlin I can’t do this–not even to you!” Then she refuses to call a spade a spade, instead later referring to it as “Jed getting revenge by using her own body against her.” WTF..?! I assumed he would make a speech as prom king–because naturally, everyone just KNOWS he’ll win, natch–and out Caitlin to the entire school. I guess I’m just naive that way, but date rape somehow never sprang to mind! And of course when Caitlin comes clean to Ginny about the breakup, it’s the one part she leaves out…way to go, Francine…blame the victim…it’s a motif she clearly enjoys revisiting
I LOVE these dramatic readings. Hilarious as always :):):)
I just finished reading this one yesterday! Is it just me r do the multiple plts make NO sense???
Also, I totes picture Colleen Dewhurst as Granny Ryan when I read these.
Yay for the Brian Bloom staring role. I fondly remember the Dusty/Lily/Holden triangle from my late preteen/early teen years. I miss those days. Even though now the pseudo incest rampant in the Synder family scares me now.
This is just AWESOME. Unbelieveably awesome.
“neigh… fuck off… neigh”
I love this line.
And I kind of want to know when this was published because Charge Account (maybe they spelled his name Charge A Count, I don’t recall) was a fairly famous horse on the east coast US in the 80’s.