Caitlin looks knocked up. And that outfit is wuite unflattering. Remember vests? My first day of sixth grade, I wore black leggings, a huuuuuuge t-shirt and a tapestry vest. Hot. Also, that must be Jed, whispering in her ear and threatening to murder her if she makes a sound.
Anyway, we’re lucky to have quite an ensemble of thespians for this one. There’s like a zillion subplots, so let’s do some introductions.
Once again. we are lucky to assembel tinsletown’s finest for a dramatic reading of Caitling____, the first book in the promise series. There are tons of characters, so let’s review before we begin.
Megan Fox returns as Caitlin
Brian Bloom as All-American boy Jed
George Hamilton as Dr. Westlake, Caitlin’s biological father
Betty White at Regina Ryan, Caitlin’s Gram-mama
Wes Bentley as Creepy Jared
Mining Ladies and Mining wives (they don’t get names because they are working class and not attractive)
John Malkovich as Colin Wollman, the new lawyer for Ryan Mining
Lisa Rinna as Nicole Wollman, Colin’s bombshell sister
Taylor Momsen as Melanie Michaels, Jed’s kid sis
Naked Miley Cyrus as Eve, Melanie’s scheming best friend
Artax the sad Horse as Charge Account, a nimble steed
Hey kids! Are you up here not having sex? I need you to come down to the party and entertain my fabulously important rich people guests. Caitlin I want you to meet Colin, he;s the lawyer for the company. I don’t really understood why I hired him, or how a mining company actually works, but that’s not important. Just know I have a very important job at a very important company.
Oh Caitlin, it’s so fantastic that you started a nursery school for the children of the miners who work at Ryan Mining! I see that growing up spoiled but by one, life-changing event with Ian has turned you into the most giving, wonderful person ever. And sweeping in with your privilege and saving these kids! It makes me want to date rape you all over again!
Ah, there’s that raven-haired bitch. I’ve hated her my whole life. One time when she was little she came here to give our presents with her Grandma and I wanted to touch her pretty pretty coat but she cried. That spoilt bitch! I’ve been waiting my whole life to get back at her!!! She weeeeel be mine. Bwahahahaha!
Oh Jed, I’m so glad that I am spending the rest of the summer in Montana with you. I mean, I know we planned the nursery school, but I hate how it got in the way of my vacay. Oh look we’re there. Why is everyone at the airport doing line dances? Why did I pilot have some hay in his mouth?
Well, let’s seeee….How about we tell Caitlin that breakfast is at 10am, when it’s really at 7! And she’ll…sleep through it! Ha! And…and…and….oh this is good….we’ll tell her that marmots attack people so she will SHOOT AND KILL THEM! YEA!
Uh, I have to tell you something. I’ve decided at the last minute to go to the local agricultural college because I want to be a professional rancher like my father. It’s okay, apparently admission procedures don’t really work. It’s for the better really. After a month I would have been dry humping girls on the beer-soaked floor of my fraternity house, while you are waiting in your pink ruffly dorm room.