Elizatodd is their celeb couple name…like Brangelina.
Anyhoo.
Someone pointed out here that Todd looks like a young Paul Gleason. I’m feelin’ that. So the plot, if you could call it that, involves Todd’s family moving to Vermont and Liz being all fucking dramatic about it. She mopes around and spends all her time writing to Todd and Jessica is sick of her pity party, so tells Todd that he needs to break up with her. And she convinces Nicholas Morrow to make a play for Liz again. Liz, thinking that Todd forgot about her, uses Nicholas as a rebound because she’s self-absorbed like that. Todd decides to fly back for the weekend to surprise Liz but he sees her with NicMo and gets mad. Jeebus, Todd is only in this book for like 10 pages but he and Liz still manage to have a fight.
The think that baffled me most was that Liz WROTE A LETTER TO TODD EVERY DAY. I mean, there are people I write to everyday whether it be chatting online or emailing, but what the hell can you write about everyday? Luckily, my book came with deleted chapters and luckily one of Elizabeth’s daily letters was included!
Dearest Todd,
I hope you got my previous letters. Just in case, I thought I’d let you know how my day went. It’s like you are here with me! It’s as if you were with me throughout the night, and we were not having sex.
So I woke up this morning and took a shower. I didn’t use the toilet because I have no genitals. Omg! And I wanted to wear my polka dot shirt and I almost couldn’t find my polka dotted barettes. When I got downstairs, Mom was just finished making us breakfast, which were pancakes, waffles, bacon, danishes, scrambled eggs, omlets, hash browns, toast with butter. It was so good! I had three helpings. Then she went off to her very important interior design job.
On my way to school I passed a homeless person. After I called the police to chase him out of Sweet Valley, I talked to him about the importance of job skills and pension plans. When I got to school suddenly it was lunch period. I guess classes were canceled again today. I had a sloppy joe, a milkshake, french fries, dorritos and cheesecake. Lois Waller had a salad, but I think she had croutons on it. Omg! I was so ashamed for her. I decided that I would put together a powerpoint presentation for her about the danger of carbs.
I started to talk to her but I realized that Winston had set up his A/V equipment and was starting his stand-up routine, right in the lunchroom! He is so funny. He spent about the first 40 minutes making puns and then the rest of the time doing impressions of the teachers and various shadow puppets.
Gee, classes were canceled again this afternoon so I decided to go to The Oracle office to work on some stuff. Mr. Collins was there and he is so sweet! He knows that I’ve been upset so he surprised me by hiding in the stall in the girls room and when I came in, he jumped out and surprised me!
When I got home, even thought it was Jessica’s turn to make dinner, she called me all upset so of course I just did it for her. She was too busy hatching a scheme with Lila to ruin some poor girl’s life. Oh, that Jessica, she’s so funny. Then somebody named Enid called but I didn’t pay that much attention.
Then when I was making dinner, I started peeling the potatoes and saw that they were kind of round, which reminded me of basketballs, which reminded me that you play basketball, then it reminded me of you!!!! And then all my snot and tears seeped into the stew. I decided to serve it anyway and when my family ate it, they were so moved they started crying. My Dad, who, as you know, is a big important lawyer is dealing with a huge case. It involves a huge double murder triple rape homicide, including cults and murderous long lost twins. You know, the usual for Sweet Valley. He was really having trouble with the argument, but I helped him out and wrote his deposition. He kissed me on the forehead and said “what would I do without you honey?” As he leaned over to kiss me, I noticed his strong, muscular chest.
After that I went into my room and wrote some poetry and some letters to Chrome Dome about some ideas about educational leadership theory. Then I just laid in bed and thought of you! I can’t wait to hear about YOUR day. I feel so bad for you that you don’t live in Southern California. Anyone who don’t live here is so unlucky. I love you so much and think of your husky voice and crinkly brown eyes, and the way you don’t have sex with me.
xoxoxoxoxo
Liz
I have done an unofficial study, and my hypothesis was proved: the word “husky” is used in every.single.book. Probably just to drive me crazy.
My book didnt come with no letter! 😦
Excellent post, as usual 🙂
You’ve got no idea how long I mused over the fact that you could buy books with deleted chapters. The light finally dawned.
Fantastic recap. Keep the SV coming!
“As he leaned over to kiss me, I noticed his strong, muscular chest.”
I. LOVE. YOU.
Pure genius! Loved that letter! Especially the part about Lois Waller.
Hilarious as usual! And did anyone notice that Todd’s hair makes him look a foot taller?
It’s TOBETH! That’s their name, silly!
Fuck this shit, I’m going to Casey’s for a butterscotch sundae with a side of barbecued Wakefield.
I received a cheesy letter from an ex years ago that was so bad, I photocopied it and gave it to a friend for her collehe graduation present. Obviously, he had writing help from Liz.
F***ING HILARIOUS!!! That letter was awesome!
By the way, I’d kind of like their celebrity couple name to be Tizzie.
Croutons? Show some self-control. Now I’m off to reapply my Kissing Koolers lipgloss and blue mascara.
The letter was genius. I loved the bit about the enormous breakfast, and Lois Waller’s salad, and the dad’s chest and…eh it was all funny. 🙂
When my first boyfriend was in Marine boot camp, I wrote him a letter every day. The bottom of the barrel was well-scraped by the time he graduated. I seriously hope he threw those out after we broke up — I am feeling itchy with mortification just imagining how bad they must have been!
” It’s if you were with me throughout the night, and we were not having sex.”
BWAH! Brilliant as usual, ihatewheat! 🙂
Awesome.
Brilliant. 😀
this is totally what a boring day at the office needed!
OH. MY. GOD.
WIN!!! That just made my day.
Oh my god. That was fantastic.
BEST POST EVER!!
That cover just screams POOOOOOOOOOOR EEEEEELEEEZABETH! Sniff, sniff, wipe away tear. But the true question is: Can she survive the heartache? Something tells me she can.
I sweat I had to pee I laughed so much reading that letter! ^_^
<>
Pure genius. Pure. Unadulterated. Genius.
hahaha that letter was so great! i loved the part about mr. collins jumping out of a girl’s bathroom stall to cheer up liz. and also the part about lois “fatass”waller binging on those croutons.
LOL that letter was genius!!! keep it coming ihatewheat! you manage to make me laugh out loud continuously!!
I so totally “lol”ed throughout this post! And a few “lmao”‘s too………
LOL! That letter fucking kills me.
…and the way you don’t have sex with me.
LOVE IT
Oh my God. That is fucking BRILLIANT. XD
“Then somebody named Enid called but I didn’t pay that much attention.”
Hahaha, so true!
Oh, and I second “Tizzie” as the best couple name.
Then somebody named Enid called but I didn’t pay that much attention.
LOL! On the mark. And this girl had her own story book… *Sigh at yet another baffling phenomenon of the world*
When is the next Caitlin installment? Am waiting with baited breath.
That letter is sheer genius!!! I LOL’d and LMAO. Keep em coming!!!
AMAZING!
GORGEOUS. Just perfect. I want to quote my favorite part, but I’d just end up quoting the whole thing.
Then somebody named Enid called but I didn’t pay that much attention.
HA!
Brilliant!
YES!
It always bugged me. The standing joke about how outside of tennis and cheerleading, Jessica is lazy and Liz mostly writes. Yet the wonder twins and their blessed friends stay skinny and attractive–despite eating at the Dairi Burger every night, and the Wakefields and their ginormous breakfasts.
Yet Lois Waller\Robin Wilson are FAT.
And when they eat it is BAD! All I can offer for explanation is that Lois and Robin SNACK BETWEEN MEALS! The only way to stay slim is to SCHEDULE YOUR MEALS. Oh, and fat people are so pathetic that they carry candy bars in their purses.
LMAO @ the breakfast 😀
Love it!
GREAT LETTER…LOVE! 🙂
Thanks I sooo needed this!
“When is the next Caitlin installment? Am waiting with baited breath.”
I concur, malika. More Caitlin please! I wouldn’t be so insistent but I just watched an “I Love the 80s” episode on VH1 that featured William Zabka .
It’s meant to be! 🙂
Did Todd ever write back?
I have conveniently blocked it out of my memory.
I wouldn’t be so sad to see my boyf go if he looked like that! The Todd pictured on this cover is almost as gross as Lois Waller’s Jell-o ass.
Lollllll!
Crinkly brown eyes!! They actually used that phrase a few times didnt they!?
Like wtf.
Liz wrote a letter to Todd every day? It’s like “The Notebook,” only she gave up after a week. Noah wrote to Allie EVERY DAY for a YEAR. Now THAT’S true love.
“Then when I was making dinner, I started peeling the potatoes and saw that they were kind of round, which reminded me of basketballs, which reminded me that you play basketball, then it reminded me of you!!!!”
OK, that has to be the funniest thing I’ve ever read in my life . . . !
haahahahahahahahahahahhaahhaahahahahah
hahahahhahaahah
Liz the meddler…
“After I called the police to chase him out of Sweet Valley, I talked to him about the importance of job skills and pension plans…I decided that I would put together a powerpoint presentation for her about the danger of carbs…After that I went into my room and wrote some poetry and some letters to Chrome Dome about some ideas about educational leadership theory.”
Perfect!
Oh man… the way “a huge double murder triple rape homicide” just rolls off the tongue… priceless. I love the way you think!
“Then somebody named Enid called but I didn’t pay that much attention.”
Chuckle.
I am still wiping the tears from my eyes. That is some funny shit.
the fauxleather brown jacket makes todd look a bit like a market stall holder on the cover and why is he got a wankers grip on liz’s arm?!
Sorry, I just had to comment on how HILARIOUS this is. I am literally shaking with laughter over here, my eyes are watering, and I am coughing like crazy.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Brilliant letter! What everyone else said…just what I needed at the end of a long day!
Omg tears are coursing down my cheeksacks reading the deleted letter. Ihw ur my new BFF. Holy crapbakistahn why has it taken me millions of years to discover this hilarious brilliance?? You could like, do just this for your McJob!!
I feel the same way!! I’m STILL laughing…haha.
Omgoodness, I’m dying…why didn’t I find your website earlier?? LOVE the letter…it made my day…Hahaha.
Om my god, I just laughed so hard I actually snorted at work. Forget Robert and Elizabeth Barrett Browning… I want to see a book of Todd and Elizabeth letters published!