Tricia, we hardly knew ya

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So Tricia dies a dramatic death and of course the whole Wakefield family is present, because they are the only people that matter in thw world. Tricia makes Steven promise to take care of Betsy when she is gone, because as we know, their father is the town drunk. Meaning, the only one.

Betsy is a mess and the Wakefields demand that Bets come home with them. Liz is ecstatic to heal someone and Jess is mortified because Betsy is a walking STD. I can’t stand Jessica calling Betsey a whore, but seriously, hypocrite alert! What is it that Jess does that doesn’t make her a tramp?

And, apparently, Jess is mortified that Betsy is with with them because everyone at school is talking about it, like that’s what they fucking care about. But oh yea, the school is all in a tizzy when someone writes someone else a letter. She is also pissed that Betsy is getting more attention that her. Yawn.

Bets is a mess, but wouldn’t you know, is a fabulous artist. And conveeeeeeniently, Steven has a friend who is an art teacher. And conveeeeeeeeniently there’s a scholarship to an LA art school whose deadline is fast approaching. Besty considers herself nothing more than a drunk ho and thinks that Steven’s art teacher friend is complimenting her because he wants to fool around with her, so doesn’t enter. Really, don’t flatter yourself Betsy. You have the hairstyle of Mary Jo Buttafuco. So Liz, Steven and artteacherfriend secretly submit an application for her. Isn’t that illegal?

Betsy also hangs out with the town embarassment Jerry “Crunch” McAllistar, who we are told is the one that caused Liz’s motorcycle accident. Why isn’t he in jail? Even perfect Liz had a trial and hoopla after the magic jungle prom juice.

Oh yea, Betsy is in love with Steven but then finds out about Tricia’s promise and gets mad and falls off the wagon. Steven and artteacherfriend go to Kelly’s and she’s not there, so they are all “Let’s try the Shady Lady, duh” because we know there are only two bars.

Then Betsy gets in and is all happy. And everything is solved, for now, I guess.

Oh, another pointless subplot. Winston, because he is desperate for attention, decides to declare he can eat six cafeteria grilled cheese sandwhiches in like ten seconds or something. Really, WInston, stop trying to be the goofy guy. It’s so tiring. Then he decides to try for the world record in eating pizzas at Guido’s and the news channel is there to cover it. Aren’t there tons of kidnappings in Sweet Valley that they should be covering? He eats six pizzas and I want to barf, both because I don’t eat cheese and as you know I hate wheat so I am allergic to the crust. Most pointless subplot ever.

I am going to try to redeem this horrible review with some choice quotes.

[On when he saw Tricia for the first time] Steven hoisted himself up and moved over to the edge of Tricia’s bed. “I’ll never forget”, he told her, cupping his large hands around her pale face. “When I close my eyes, I can see exactly the way you looked, splashing your feet in the ocean and trying to catch raindrops on your tongue. While everyone else on the beach ran as fast as they could to get out of the rain, I joined you at the water’s edge.” [This sounds like a sixth grader trying to write a romance novel. Ugh. Hack.]

Ned and Alice Wakefield rushed to their son’s side, Elizabeth and Jessica at their heels. Gently Mr. Wakefield loosened Betsy’s grip on Steven and hugged her to his own powerful chest. “I think what this young lady needs right now is a warm bed and a solid night’s sleep.” [Ugh, inapprop much? Ned wants to git some.]

Jessica: “Did you hear who was [at Miller’s Point] with Betsy Martin last week?” “Jess, give her a break, won’t you?” Elizabeth’s light mood vanished instantly. “Charlie Cashman AND Jim Sturbridge, that’s who. Both of them at the same time. What do you think of that?” [Did they actually mean a THREESOME? If so, this is monumental.]

That tramp” Jessica moaned, “has moved into my house!” “No!” exclaimed Lila. How positively awful- having to share your home with such low-class trash. Why, are stable boy has more class than Betsy Martin.”[ Lila is so Nellie Olsen sometimes. ]

And now for more Todd gay talk: “Suit yourself,” Bruce shrugged. “And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a bit of romancing to do myself.” He took off after a tall, statuesque brunette. “Poor girl” Elizabeth commented. “Oh, I wouldn’t necessarily feel sorry for her. Some people go for arrogance. And anyway, Bruce IS handsome.” [Show me teenage boys that use the worlds handsome and romancing, seriously.]

And this image just made me laugh: “Todd spun Elizabeth around in the air, putting her down with a flourish. They made a perfect team as they danced under the flashing strobe lights, Elizabeth’s smooth, graceful movements complementing Todd’s more playful style.”

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37 thoughts on “Tricia, we hardly knew ya

  1. megan says:

    What is it that Jess does that doesn’t make her a tramp?

    She doesn’t have…..teh sex!
    She’s just a tease. So is Liz.

  2. Malika says:

    You know what, for a town tramp Betsy looks awfully straight-laced. Short, brunette hair and a button-up shirt. Doesn’t exactly scream threesome-loving Jezebel…
    While Todd always sounded so boring i kept forgetting he existed while i was still in the process of reading an SVH book, Winston is surely the most useless tool in the whole series.. He’s the class clown, stuck with the unfunniest lines and plots ever, except… Didn’t he try to make the cheerleading squad by being the first male cheerleader? I’m sure that book would be recap gold.

  3. Genevieve says:

    Why is Jess not a tramp and Betsy is? I think Rizzo said it best when she said “I could flirt with all the guys, smile at them and bat my eyes. Press against them when we dance, make them think they stand a chance, then refuse to see it through… that’s a thing I’d never do.”

    Jess= cocktease hypocrite who manipulates men but never actually gets down to the sexin

    Poor Betsy, having to live with the Wakefields.

  4. Dwanollah says:

    Between Betsy and Annie Whitman, I think we’ve learned some valuable lessons about sluts. They are all short-haired brunettes who loooove threesomes, and that, my friends, is what makes them big fat whores. And this is precisely why Jess isn’t a slut. She’s BLOND, for pity’s sake, so she CAN’T be!

  5. Renee says:

    After reading that cringe-inducing dance sequence with Elizabeth and Todd I had a flash of the final dancing choreographed routine thingy in Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion… it was weird, I can’t explain why I thought of it lol. Maybe it was the extreme corniness factor that both share, but at least in the movie they knew it was hilarious and ridiculous!!

    Ned has a “powerful chest”? wtf? Wow, I guess Mrs. Wakefield is a lucky heifer…I wonder if he also has a powerful….hmmm, go Ned, you sexy beast you.

    Yeah, Todd is sort of over the top with complimenting Bruce. I don’t even know any guys my own age who would defend another guy they aren’t really cool with, and admit he’s handsome?? Ha! Let me trash another attractive guy to my boyfriend, he would be like, “yeah babe, he fucking sucks”…

  6. Renee says:

    p.s. I also heard strains of Cyndi Lauper’s “Time After Time” as I read the dancing part.

    “If you’re lost you can look….and you will find me…”

    *sigh* What a great movie.

  7. Amy Slutton says:

    OMG, I so had tears in my eyes when I re-read the part where Tricia dies!

    The part I always remember the most is when Jessica is trying to select the perfect outfit for Tricia’s funeral. What a psycho.

  8. Magpie says:

    Ugggghhh, that bit with Ned and his powerful chest is so creepy. I don’t remember him being such a perv!

    And I agree that Winston is tiresome. If you’re going to put a class clown in the series, at least make sure you give him something funny to say! I don’t think I’ve laughed at a single one of his “wacky one-liners”, ever.

  9. Chance0508 says:

    I’m not sure what’s worse – the memory of finding this oh-so-tragic when I read it as a wee girl…or the full body cringe I get every time I’m reminded that I had Jessica’s hair in my senior picture.

  10. Sarah C. says:

    Why enlist Steven’s “art teacher friend”?
    I’m sure Mr. Collins would be happy to help a talented young girl with low self-esteem.

    Ihatewheat, from your quote I’m imagining Todd and Elizabeth in coordinating costumes doing an ice dancing routine.

  11. Merrie says:

    “Gently Mr. Wakefield loosened Betsy’s grip on Steven and hugged her to his own powerful chest.”

    EW!

  12. Becca says:

    I don’t want to think of Todd having a playful style for anything, and certainly not while dancing with Liz. Gag indeed.

    I hope this is in my box of old SVH books at home because now I totally want to re-read it, even though I recall being pretty bored with it. I had no interest in the Martin clan at all.

  13. Alicia says:

    Damn you Genevieve! Now I can’t get Grease out of my head.

    And now I feel totally inappropriate for always thinking of Ned Wakefield as the DILF of Sweet Valley.

  14. Jen S says:

    I totally remember this one! Winston’s little “love me please” bids for attention were SO tiresome. Gaw, he was the unfunniest idiot dork ever! Didn’t they eventually throw some second stringer girlfriend to him–who was that? Imagine being WINSTON’S girlfriend–ew, and having to kiss him and let him touch your boobs–I would rather be Meg Griffin from Family Guy.

  15. Becca says:

    Didn’t Winston end up dating Maria Santelli, one of the cheerleaders? I find that verrrrry hard to believe. It is Sweet Valley, though.

  16. Emily says:

    “Why enlist Steven’s “art teacher friend”?
    I’m sure Mr. Collins would be happy to help a talented young girl with low self-esteem.”
    Sarah C., you made me laugh so hard! Awesome!

  17. Cara Walker says:

    Kelly, I agree. Although now I’m starting to think Ned is a tad bit more creepy than Mr. Collins. I only read this book once years ago – I never reread it because I found it too boring. I had forgotten all about this Ned Wakefield DILF line (ewww… i’m sorry but Ned Wakefield and DILF make me want to hurl!). Inappropriate much, Ned? What is it with these SV guys and acting so inappropriately with teenaged females? Surely even in the 80s this was inappropriate???

  18. Amy Slutton says:

    You know what always irked me about Winston, was how in Power Play he was all dissing Robin Wilson, and talking about how every time he gets set up on a date, it’s with an ugly girl. Um, isn’t Winston supposed to be like an uber nerd and, from the descriptions imo, unattractive?

  19. Kellie says:

    The threesome-suggestion was shocking. Pretty racy and not just by SV standards. But I am sick to death of Jessica accusing other girls of being whorish and nobody – absolutely freakin NOBODY – calling her on the hypocrisy of it all.

  20. Cara Walker says:

    Amy, yeah that always irked me no end about Winston, too. Hey, just because a girl is a bit overweight doesn’t make her ugly! Even Jess admitted in this book that Robin would be kind of pretty if she lost weight (a great concession by the self-obsessed Jess!) And Winston is supposed to be the biggest nerd in school. I know he was in love with Jess and all, but you’d have thought he’d have given Robin a chance, given she was pretty, smart, good sense of humour etc!

    Yes, Jess’s hypocrisy is nothing short of revolting. Probably no one calls her out on it because she is a perfect size 6 blonde who is oh-so-popular while Tricia (and of course poor Annie Whitman) are only Brunettes. Oh, the horror…

  21. jms says:

    I always pictured Winston as slightly gawky but likely to grow up to be attractive in a nerdy sort of way.

    It is annoying that he disses Robin for being overweight–since when is he such a catch?–but I’ve known guys like this. One in particular was a homely geek who paid attention only to girls who were tall, pretty, and popular. I wouldn’t have touched him with a 137-foot pole, but his attitude annoyed me.

  22. Jody says:

    I’m a short-haired brunette, and I’m simply thrilled that there is a paralell universe where I’d look like a slut.

  23. Diana says:

    I wish Regina George could have visited Sweet Valley to call Betsy a fugly slut. Annie Whitman was hotter, IMO.

  24. Leigh says:

    Powerful chest!? Ok seriously, how did I not notice this sort of language when I was younger!? Unbelievable!
    Yeh Jess is just a tease who isnt giving the sex…
    Annie, Betsy and the likes are easy and actually go all the way, well appears that way anyhow.
    Threesome though!? Wow… that IS pretty suggestive especially for a Sweet Valley book where sex is never even mentioned between Elizabeth and her beloved Todd. Or Jess and her many many guys.
    Geez, I missed so many references when I was 16 reading these. I have got to read them all again just to pick all these extra bits up. Ned is one horny old man!

  25. Karla Keffer says:

    One in particular was a homely geek who paid attention only to girls who were tall, pretty, and popular. I wouldn’t have touched him with a 137-foot pole, but his attitude annoyed me

    UGH, yes – especially since when homely geek girls lust after male hotties, they’re (we’re) told to either lower our standards or stop being so shallow.

  26. VLB says:

    It’s nice to know i’m not the only who found Winston’s one-liners totally un funny. The whole pizza eating thing just made me really hungry

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