Hostage! A play in two acts

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You asked for it, you got it…

PROLOGUE

Evil Computer Guy: Blast! That Mr. Morrow has done it again! He invented the super microchip before I could! He is always one upping me! First he marries the model and now this!

Claire Lewis: Don’t fret, I have a plan! It will be so foolproof not even a bunch of teenagers can foil it….

ACT 1

Scene 1: SVH

Liz: what’s up with Regina? She’s home from Switzerland and not wanting to talk to any of us. I wanted to give her some advice on how to overcome her disability.

Bruce: What? I luff her! How can she not talk to me! Oh, my bruised ego!

Jessica: Somehow I have to make this about me!

Scene 2: THe Morrow Estate

Regina: help! I’m being held hostage! Don’t involve the po-po! They’ll murder me and my parents!

Scene 3: The Wakefield backyard

Jessica: She’s right! I’ve been reading the BSC mysteries and they never involve parents! We should solve this ourselves!

Liz: Hey, I didn’t know you read!

Nicholas Morrow: Hey! I have a plan that is sure to not be dangerous. Let’s go and free the Morrows while Regina is at the plant being held at gunpoint while he steals the microchip! Despite the fact that these guys are violent criminals and have weapons shouldn’t mean anything

Jessica: And I’ll use my super sexy seduction powers to distract the kidnappers teenage son.

Everyone: Good idea! We knew you were good for something.

ACT 2:

Scene 1: Mr. Morrow’s super microchip factory

[SHOTS FIRED, LOTS OF SCREAMING!]

Evil Computer Guy: Ha! Thought you could outsmart me! I am holding guns at you know, you stupid idiots!

[Bruce, Nicholas and ECG’s son attack him and knock the guns out of his hands.]

ECG: Ah, nuts! Back to jail! I fucking hate these size six twins.

Scene 2: The Morrow Estate

MRS. MORROW: Well, I’ve been held at gunpoint for about a week and I thought my daughter was murdered. One would think I would need to recover from my PTSD and spend time with my family, but I think there is really only one thing to do in a situation like this…

EVERYONE: Throw a party!

Scene 3: Rockin’ party at the Morrow Estate

Liz: Well, wasn’t it nice of the Morrows to throw a party in our honor? Instead of celebrating the fact that Regina has been cured of her deafness?

Jessica: See, I told you I would make this all about me!

—–

Unrelated, this is the one book where Jessica was barely tolerable. Also, is that a guy about to shove a chloroform-soaked rag to Regina’s mouth? That never happened.

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34 thoughts on “Hostage! A play in two acts

  1. Amy Slutton says:

    I hated this book, but this recap is priceless! LMAO!

    Interesting point about the cover. The chloroform rag thing didn’t happen in this book, but that is what Carl the Orderly used on Liz in Kidnapped!

  2. Alicia E. says:

    If I lived in Sweet Valley, I would open a party supplies store and become a millionaire. And then Bruce Patman could sneer at me for being nouveau riche.

    Except I’d probably be kidnapped or murdered by a teenage girl or a werewolf before I could make enough money. Drat.

  3. Kathryn says:

    Being able to hear agian must have made Regina’s hair blow out. Seriously, how big is that ‘fro she’s got going on? Or does it just look big because of the dark (read: ominous) background?

  4. Magenta Galaxy says:

    I swear, Sweet Valley must have the highest rate of kidnapping in the WORLD! Let’s count: Liz by Carl the orderly, Regina in this book, Jessica in the camp miniseries by that crazy woodsman, Liz by that nutso guy who thinks she’s Jessica in Two-Boy Weekend, Jessica by Margo in Return of the Evil Twin…I feel like I’m missing something. But that’s still a LOT of kidnapping!

  5. tinypants says:

    Wow, that is a lot of kidnapping. I feel like the cover of this book let the artist do a revise on the disembodied male hand concept from “Kidnapped!” “Sure, go ahead and put the guy’s whole body in this time, but keep it headless.”

    I always hated the ones like this — give me petty drama with the Pi Beta Alphas or some B.S. like that over a fairly major crime that can always be resolved in 150 pages or less! Or over Liz and Todd doing anything. Wait, so I guess that means I hated 2/3 or more of the potential plots….

  6. Dwanollah says:

    God, I’d forgotten how much I hated this book when I first read it. There was the whole “ta DA!” thing with the three words that Regina overhears (garbled, akin to the “wahwahwah” sounds that adults make in The Peanuts cartoons…?) are the three words that provide the exact day and time of the Big Microchip Exchange! Like “Monday at seven” didn’t refer to the next time the groceries would be delivered or something?

    Even when I was 15, I was picking holes in this stupid plot. This has “and I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids!” written all over it.

    I also remember Jess wearing those oh-so-fashionable jaw-clamp clips in her hair at the big party.

    Why is my mind filled with this kind of useless detail? Why?

  7. ihatewheat says:

    Regina heard “money is heaven” which really meant Monday at 7. Firstly, head back to Switzerland, there’s more work to be done, and it figures she would hear, “money is heaven” because she’s loaded.

  8. Amy Slutton says:

    Dwanollah, the Super Thriller No Place to Hide TOTALLY has “and I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for you meddling kids!” all over it. In fact, when the guy gets caught at the end, he pretty much says exactly that.

  9. Beth says:

    I was thinking “HOT OIL TREATMENT!!” when I saw this cover- screw the deafness, she needs some major “swiss” hair treatment or something…..

    “Liz: Well, wasn’t it nice of the Morrows to throw a party in our honor? Instead of celebrating the fact that Regina has been cured of her deafness?

    Jessica: See, I told you I would make this all about me!” HAHA! That just caps the whole “craptitude” that is SVH………thanks, IHW!

  10. Christopher says:

    Looking at that cover I just have to ask Where are Regina’s Tits??? This always bothered me with the covers no one had boobs.

    • Neek1981 says:

      Guess they didn’t want her to look too ‘curvy’ by giving her tits. I remember in one of these books, the super thriller where they work at the newspaper office, there’s a ‘curvy’ co-worker there. Jess looks at her and thinks some shit like, ‘well, she DOES have a curvy figure…’ Jess was thinking this in a negative way. Even back when I was a kid, I thought a curvy figure was the way to go, but not in Sweet Valleyland…

  11. Magpie says:

    I always thought “money is heaven” was intended to be some kind of cunning code for “Monday at seven”, rather than that Regina misheard. I prefer my interpretation, because it makes the kidnappers even more stupid than they already are. Not to mention that the twins are disproportionately proud of figuring that out.

  12. Janelle says:

    going with the kidnapping theme… I was recently reading… (now I can’t remember which one it was, either 78, 79, o r 80) where Todd keeps complaining to Liz that they never have any alone time, so what does he do? He comes up with a plan to have Winston “kidnap” her and take her away to some remote restaurant somewhere where they can be alone (of course, Liz comes up with the exact same plan), but seriously- who jokingly kidnaps their girlfriend who was actually kidnapped earlier that year?! The kidnapping itself wasn’t so bad, she knew it was Winston all along, but still!

  13. Jade Wu's Toe Shoe says:

    I remember my favorite part of this one so clearly – when the twins devise a “brilliant” plan to sneak a note into a magazine and then the fricking kidnappers GIVE the magazine to Regina, who then throws a reply note out her bedroom window in a silver compact (that was this book, right?)

    I couldn’t get over how stupid I thought that entire part was. The kidnapper gal wouldn’t bother to flip through a magazine that mysteriously landed in with their groceries? Really? REALLY? So ridiculous. And therefore fabulous.

  14. kimkelly says:

    Yes, I remember Jess’s outfit at the end too! The butterfly clips in the hair, leather mini, and the white tee with the sleeves rolled up. Ewww…..

  15. Cara Walker says:

    Btw – I am currently re-reading Regina’s Legacy and think it’s an absolute hoot. Along the lines of Hostage, basically Liz (and Todd, the sidekick) decide to take matters into their own hands and solve the mystery surrounding a national drug syndicate. It cracks me up that Liz considers finding the guys in her pic as a personal mission. How about taking your pic to the police, Liz?? And Jess picking up a strange guy who is tailgating her – nice one there, Francine!

  16. kiwimusume says:

    How about taking your pic to the police, Liz??

    To be fair, this IS Sweet Valley’s Finest we’re talking about…

  17. Renee says:

    On the cover…why doesn’t Regina just run? No, let’s go ahead and stare at the soaked rag open-mouthed cuz they won’t make it easier for him to suffocate you or anything…I was such a lame for liking these books lol

  18. Amy Slutton says:

    Dwanollah – the hilarity is worth it though 😀

    Christopher – I always got the impression that Suzy Devlin had big boobs from the cover of #11 Too Good to be True. She’s the only one though.

  19. Jody says:

    And then Liz and Ronnie Edwards were kidnapped in #51 Against the Odds, and Sue was fake-kidnapped in #110 Death Threat, and a bunch of SVU books too.

  20. I like toast says:

    Renee, I was thinking the same thing about the cover. There’s so much time to run while the bad guy is slowly advancing with a cloth you can see to suffocate you……just get up and leave!! And now that people are mentioning it…there sure are a lot of kidnappings in Sweet Valley. I’m not so sure how safe this town is after all…

  21. Whallie says:

    I hated this book when I first read it. It reminded me of a cross-over between the Scooby-Doo gang meets the Power Rangers. Mouths moving fast, nothing makes sense. Let’s go get high in our party bus.

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