Scene 1: The Wakefield’s split-level, Spanish-tiled house. A party celebrating Liz’s return from her crazy orderly captor.
NICHOLAS MORROW: Liz, I’ve taken one look at you and your perfect California looks, you’re ill-cut feathered bangs, and I’ve fallen deeply and madly in love with you. I must have you at any cost.
ELIZABETH WAKEFIELD: Wow, that is not all inappropriate considering a creepy man just kidnapped me and said the same thing. But he fed me frozen pancakes.
NM: Oh, I’m very rich and good-looking.
EW: In that case…wait! I’m in love with Todd!
NM: Fuck Todd I want you.
EW: Well, you are feeding my ego, so yes, I’ll go out with you secretly.
Scene 2: Enid Rollins’ pathetic fucking non-Spanish tiled house.
ENID ROLLINS: (answering the phone): Hello?
EW: Enid, omg! What am I going to do? This is SUCH a disaster!
ER: Ok, I’ve cleared my schedule. I’ve canceled visiting my dying grandmother to talk to you.
EW: Oh my gaaaawd! Nicholas is like totally in love with me! And he’s so rich and good-looking! But I am supposed to be in love with my good-looking boyfriend Todd! Two guys are in love with me! Life is SO HARD!
ER: Wow, that IS a huge problem. I mean, forget that I have a drunk father, I once almost killed a kid, and I was born with frizzy brown hair, how can you stand to be you! [puts a gun to her head]
Act II- at The Cote D’Or, a posh restaurant an hour outside of Sweet Valley
Scene 1- back of the house
WAITER: If I have to make one more pat of butter look like rose petals I am going to quit.
BUSBOY: If I have to clean up after one more of these waspy couples, I am going to scream. Wtf is with this place? Cote d’Or means Gold Coast in French. We should be serving fried chicken skins in a basket.
WAITER: Oh jeez. I have to go check on table number 3, which is some rich daddy’s boy and his underage date. Shoot me now.
Scene 2: front of the house
NM: So computer, computers, computers…my daddy’s Ferrari, computers, my deaf sister, computers….
EW: writing, writing, writing, my sister, journalism, writing, being boring….
NM: Well, do you love me now that’s I’ve tried to buy your affection?
EW: Nope, you’re actually quite boring…. and I’ve gotten the ego boost I need…Omg! Is that Todd? What is he doing here?
Todd Wilkins: (approaching the table) Liz? is that you??? Why are you cheating on me????
EW: No, asshole, it’s Jessica.
TW: Phew! I know Liz wouldn’t cheat on me. She’s the patron saint of morals.
Scene 1: The basketball game
TW: Well, I’m glad that I found out that Nicholas and Elizabeth had a date without causing any drama or anything. I’m just going to fuck up the entire basketball game.
Scene 2: boy’s locker room
NM: Glad I could talk to you in here Todd, where the half-naked men are.
TW: hold on, let me lather up. Can you get my back?
NM: I wanted to tell you that I tried to get into Liz’s pants, but there’s a double padlock on her crotch with “Todd Wilkins” written all over it.
TW: Okay, I’ll let it go this time, because I know Liz would NEVER cheat on me again.
Scene 3: outside the school
EW: Oh Toddie! I never meant to hurt you! Will you ever forgive me?
TW: Well, I wasn’t going to, but I talked to Nicholas about it and..uh…well, those luscious lips, that Greek-god sculpted body, the….uh, I mean he was honest with me.
EW: Great! I’d never cheat on you! And I am 100% sure this is the last time we will ever fight or one of us will be jealous!