Sweet Valley Couture

I don’t want to knock it too much, but wtf is up with the Newport News catalog? Yes, yes, so maybe I do own a tunic or two from them, but it seems very stuck in the eighties, and not in a retro kind of way. Like they still promote embroidered jeans as their essential piece. Also, it seems like they looted Lisette’s and Foxy Mama after the Sweet Valley earthquake destroyed the mall and decided to start a mailorder business. I think every line of clothes should be named after an SVH character.

The LIZ collection

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The JESSICA collection

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Featuring the Jessa Fields line:

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The LILA collection

Daddy Fowler totally brought back this suit from Paris (only Lila would wear a belt on the beach):
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On clearance:

The OLIVIA look:

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LYNNE HENRY look:

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26 thoughts on “Sweet Valley Couture

  1. BartTempleton says:

    ihatewheat: Where do these flashes of inspiration come from? You’re a gift.

    The Jessica Line: toe-up. Cheap n’tacky. I’ve never shopped with NN, but I hope the materials and cuts of those fabrics are not indicative of the company’s quality. Jessa Fields’ outfit=YES. YES. YES.

    Olivia: Okay, that model even looks like Olivia. Thats what Olivia wears on a special occasion, though, like a hippie gala.

    Lila’s line looks the most like what might have been worn at some point in the 21st century thus far (but then, we’ve had a lot of “retro” 70s and 80s trends thus far, haven’t we?)

    Lynne Henry look: HAHAHAHA. Perfect.

  2. megan says:

    hehe, I LOVE the Oliva look. I’d wear that. I also like the last outfit for the Lila look.

    Liz is sooo boring, and I like Jessica’s first outfit ! haha.

  3. Sarah C. says:

    Oh Ihatewheat, this got progressively funnier. The Jessa Fields model looks really pissed off; given what she’s wearing, I can’t say I blame her. I love that Lynne Henry’s jumpsuit has no model.

    I remember when Newport News used to be Avon Fashions. Sadly, I used to think their clothes were really nice (almost as nice as the suede walking shorts in the Chadwick’s of Boston catalogue).

  4. hibachi! girl says:

    hahaha – i went to college in newport news, VA. i’m happy to report that this is NOT the prevailing fashion sensibility there! πŸ™‚

  5. kiwimusume says:

    I don’t know whether to laugh at what you’ve done with this or cringe at the fact that someone actually made a catalogue out of those with a straight face, so I’ll settle for both. πŸ˜€

  6. Laura @ Hungry And Frozen says:

    Ha, it would have been funny enough if you had just showed us, but naming them after SV characters? Inspired! Reminds me of this mail-order catalogue that you can get in New Zealand, where they non-ironically, straight-facedly try and sell you clothes even cheesier than the ones you showed us.

  7. Jen S says:

    I too love the Lynn Henry jumpsuit, but cannot wear it–bra straps all showing all over the place, and these D cup pups need boosting.

    Love the Lila collection–the models even look like how I picture Lila.

  8. Tannaqui (Amy) says:

    Wow.
    Just….wow.

    Lila is spot on.

    I can’t believe this stuff is ‘current’.

    Is there a men’s resort wear equivalent?

  9. Becca says:

    this is great! that pink dress is so Liz and super dull to boot.

    I too sort of like the Lynne jumpsuit, which is perfect for her. No doubt she’d wear some stylish flats so she won’t add unnecessary inches to her gargantuan 5’9″ height.

    Also, Sarah C. – I totally remember the Avon catalog and loved looking through it! I thought the clothes seemed pretty nice too. And, I remember suede walking shorts! How I coveted them.

    Once again, hilarious post!

  10. BadKat says:

    Oooooo, did Lila’s gear come out of the Boutique Europa version of the catalog? I used to think the clothes out of that one were so chic and exotic. Ha!

    I do like the Jessa look. And if that dotted Liz dress were a bit more fitted and pastel, I would totally rock it out!

  11. LaceyB says:

    Laura @ Hungry And Frozen- you wouldn’t be referring to the “designer” section of Ezibuy, would you? πŸ˜€

  12. Amy Slutton says:

    Has anyone seen recent Urban Outfitters catalogs? TOTAL SVH 80’s couture… I would think it is mostly Jessica and Dana Larson looks. And the models are photographed outdoors in fields and woods and stuff. Retro-chic!

  13. Melody_Grey says:

    Like Hibachi! Girl, I too, am glad to attest that this is mos. def. NOT the style in Newport News.

  14. Amber Tan says:

    “international male is the mens equivalent.”

    Featuring the ‘Bruce’, ‘Ken’, ‘Todd’, and ‘Winston’ collections of course! πŸ˜‰

  15. Cara Walker says:

    Hehe, I just checked it out, Malika, and you’re right – definitely Claudia/bored housewife (I prefer Claudia/housewife Mary Anne).

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