Bill Chase: just a fool in love or #8 Heartbreaker


I’ve decided to go old school and go back to the early numbers I haven’t recapped yet. Before I rip into the content, this might be one of the best (worst) covers ever. Firstly, it looks like they took Jessica’s head from the Double Love cover and glued it on another body. And that two-tone bikini! Straight out of the Newport News catalog! Bill looks big, dopey and scary. I know Jessica is supposed to be slender, but he looks out of proportion. He’s trying to impress Jess with his armpit aroma. Also, is there a Sweet Valley Surf club? Methinks not. Finally, the awesome part. It looks like cover model was William Zabka, famous for playing the high school asshole in classic teen movies. You know, the blond ringleader of Cobra Kai. Hit it, Joe Esposito!


And now for the er,um…plot. Hit it, Mariah! At the end of the last book, Bill was in love with Elizabeth, but while Elizabeth was in her coma-induced slut mission, Jessica tricked Bill into going out with her and made him fall in love with her. Don’t question, just go with it. So now Bill and Jessica have the lead in a school play and he is hopelessly in love with her and she eats it up. But has no real interest in him and strings him along. Why is she doing this? “I’m only getting him back for ignoring me in the beginning.” Let’s all say it in unison: Jessica is a SOCIOPATH! Ugh. And Bill likes her because Jessica looks like his old girlfriend Julianne who died tragically a few years back. Boo-fucking-hoo.

However, DeeDee Gordon is also in love with Bill, but he sees her as just a friend, and someone who he is teaching to surf. You know that DeeDee is a fucking loser because she has brown hair and freckles. Finally Bill realizes that Jess is a douchebag maniac and realizes that the very thing he is looking for is something he can’t see. And she is just fine being second choice. Hit it, Vanessa!

Oh, DeeDee’s dad is a famous movie producer and he is bringing his producer friend to the play to scout some talent. Pshaaahhhh! Jessica of course thinks they mean her but really they want to nake Bill is a star, but he’s not sure he wants the moviestar life. “Come on” the producer says. “I can get your great roles in The Karate Kid one AND two, plus a featured role on Just One of the Guys.”

As much as Francine depicts the girls horribly in these books, she’s not really too keen on the men. The boys in these books are seriously interchangeable, and have no distinguishable personalities and are really just playthings of the girls. When they do have distinctive personalities, it’s to be a misogynist asshole (Bruce) or a nerdy loser (Winston). The only way to tell the guys apart is which sport they play.

The other dreadful plotline is that Liz is jealous of an old girlfriend of Todd’s that transfers to SVH and they fight about it and Liz gets all insecure until Todd has to profess how perfect she is and how in love he is with her before she feels better. VOMIT. Did they really get this annoying so early? The gal is Patsy Webber, who could be a supermodel, apparently. “Patsy looked too sophisticated to be in high school. She was wearing a straw-slim skirt belted with a wide leather sash around her tiny waist and delicate high heels. Her coppery-red hair was cut fashionable short in back, with a tumble of curls that dipped over her forehead. A pair of slanted green eyes regarded Elizabeth with friendly interest.” First of all, that haircut sounds dreadful. Second of all, she’s dressed like a hooker at the Paramus Mall in New Jersey.

This one was so quote-tastic, so here we go:

When Jessica sees Bill and DeeDee at the beach together, she determinedly set off down the beach. Aware of the stares she was getting in her bronze, wet-look bikini, she added a slight swing to her hips, for the benefit of the male audience. Ugh. What’s wet-look? That must be an eighties thing.

Oh also, Jessica orders a cheeseburger, double fries, and chocolate milkshake at the DB, but is scared that it may make her breakout. Remember when people thought acne was caused by junk food? Oh, the eighties.

“You’re in love with Liz, and she’s Jessica’s twin,” Bill defended weakly. “Jessica’s not Liz,” Todd said. “They may look alike, but that’s where the similarity ends.” Has Todd been reading the other books?

Lois Waller has nothing to do with this plot, but they had to have her make an appearance so that they can ridicule her. The nerd brigade (Olivia, Enid, and Lois) roll up into the parking lot and Lois is “always trying so hard to impress people and be the center of things.” And Jessica ISN’T? “Please, spare me the cracks about being blind,” Lois chimed in, blinking behind the thick glasses she wore. They were always slipping down her nose, no matter how often she poked them back into place. “I can’t even find my way out of the shower without my glasses!” Heh! O misfortune for not being blond, size six and blessed with aqua-marine eyes with perfect 20/20 vision! Is there even a book in the series where Lois gets some plotline? Or is she just there as a cautionary tale of what happens when you are not a Wakefield?

There’s an actual mention of sophomore year! The neverending junior year time continuum explodes!

The plot of the play they are in is: “Deanie tries to commit suicide by drowning herself and afterward, her boyfriend, Bud, feels so guilty he can hardly live with himself.” A little heavy for high school? Wtf, school board?

I think this ghostwriter is still bitter that she did not score a job writing harlequin romances and is taking one last shot at impressing them:

“Bill…” DeeDee murmed weakly. She was stopped from saying anymore by the warm, gentle pressure of Bill’s lips against hers. DeeDee forgot that she was half drowned and shivering from the cold. She forgot that her head was throbbing as if she’s charged straight into a brick wall. The only thing she was aware of was the wet, salty warmth of Bill’s kiss. Heat flooded through her. Her frozen toes and fingers tingles as they thawed. She sighed-a long, shuddery sigh- as Bill gathered her to him in a sandy embrace. With her cheek pressed to his strong chest, she could hear the steady hammering of his heart. A strange, floaty feeling crept over her. None of what was happening seemed real somehow. Was she dreaming it? His lips were moving over her hair, gently brushing agaist her cheek. His mouth closed over hers once again. At that moment they were caught in a sudden surge of white water. It swirled around them, sending up fans of foamy spray. DeeDee forgot how threatening the sea had seemed such a short while agao. Now the water felt teasing and delicious as it fizzed over her body, mingling with the salty taste of Bill’s kiss.

I’ve been reading A Conderacy of Dunces, and for one, wondering why I never read it before now, and two, have taken to having Ignatius J. Reillyesque outburts as I read SVH books. My thought about reading the above passage was “can I believe this revolting offense to literature? What an abortion to the eyes!”

90 thoughts on “Bill Chase: just a fool in love or #8 Heartbreaker

  1. Fraser says:

    So did Elizabeth wake out of her coma between books?

    And while you’re right about the flaws of the cover, is that actually a two-tone bikini or is it a greenish bikini and a robe half falling off?

    I suppose it makes sense that the boys are bland and interchangeable, it happens often enough to the girlfriends in malecentric books.

  2. Jade Wu's Toe Shoe says:

    I basically just shrieked aloud. Bill Chase is SO the Cobra Kai ringleader! AWESOME! I huge puffy heart you, ihatewheat.

  3. Eli says:

    I like how Jess is pulling on his man necklace, like, I guess it is supposed to be sexy? Maybe it would be if she didn’t have an expression on her face like she’d cut a bitch if they blocked her carcinogenic suntanning rays at the beach.

    Bill sorta looks like Leif Garrett here, and is not hot at all.

  4. Sarah C. says:

    I’m stuck on the images of spray and foam and surging, fizzy, delicious, saltiness in the final scene. Are we just talking about the ocean here?

    I always wonder with these books if the ghostwriters are ever laughing up their sleeves and deliberately constructing scenes that can be read on multiple levels.

  5. maybeimamazed02 says:

    I love the mention of foamy white spray when they kiss. Hee hee.

    ihatewheat, the play is Splendor in the Grass. It was an Elia Kazan movie starring Natalie Wood and Warren Beatty. Depressing as all get-out. Although young Warren Beatty is really hot.

  6. Merrie says:

    I had issues with this cover even in 6th grade. Why, oh why, is she cuddling into his armpit? And I always assumed Jess had something wrapped arounf her bikini, but I think you’re right — it’s two-toned!

    The thing I remember from this book is when DeeDee almost drowns and Bill rescues her, he peels of her wetsuit. My chilish mind always thought this meant she was naked underneath, yet the author never said anything about Bill cuddling a naked DeeDee. It wasn’t until years later I learned people wore swimming suits under wetsuits.

  7. MissPinkKate says:

    I bought some books off eBay and I noticed something- in every single book, someone talks to someone “huskily” or with a “husky voice”. Husky? Barf. And it’s every single book! Like they’re trying to play a joke on me.

  8. ihatewheat says:

    Omg, totally! definition ” Hoarse or rough in quality”. I never understood it either when I was younger. The guys were probably trying to suppress their erections.

  9. Amber Tan says:

    “coma-induced slut mission”


    Hey! Is that necklace Jess is wearing supposed to be a “lavelier”?

    Re: Splendor in the Grass…It is actually an amazingly deep work but uber-depressing. William Inge wrote the original screenplay (1960? 61?) and it was adapted to the stage by F. Andrew Leslie. And yes, young Warren Beatty was day-um hawt in the movie!

    “Husky? Barf. And it’s every single book! Like they’re trying to play a joke on me.”

    Nah, MissPinkKate. The GWs are probs just trying to emphasize the “thin is in” meme. I’ll wager dollars to doughnuts that the term is not once used in conjunction with clothing sizes. Wasn’t “husky” the euphemism for “fat” during the 70s?

  10. BadKat says:

    Hell yeah, Karate Kid!

    I think Wet Look swimsuits are those shiny-type of suits. Why didn’t they just say “there goes Jessica shakin’ her ass again in some train-wreck looking metallics. Gross wet look metallics, to be exact.

  11. Colie says:

    Omg! Anyone ever read Deenie by Judy Blume? That’s totally the play they’re talking about in it. For some reason i never made that connection.
    I never realised that was a bikini, thought it was a really low cut dress. huh.

  12. patience says:

    That cover is certainly an abortion to the eyes. I didn’t catch on that it’s a two-toned bikini. I thought Jessica had a towel half draped over her.
    How is it that Francine allowed a famous movie producer’s daughter to have brown hair and freckles?

  13. Magpie says:

    I read someone’s opinion of this book a while ago that was all about how Bill seems to get turned on by the half-drowned DeeDee at the end. Now that’s all I can think about in relation to this book.

    Also, I noticed that thing about husky voices, too! As a kid, I always blindly believed that must be really attractive, but now I think they’d just sound like they all had colds or something.

  14. LucyHoneychurch says:

    Splendor in the Grass is a wee bit high-handed and kind of adult for a high school to be putting on, isn’t it??? Isn’t the whole thing basically an exploration of teenage sensuality?

  15. me says:

    God I look fwd to your posts!!! I literally laugh outloud everytime, which I hardly ever do, espeically working 10 hr days in finance!! Thanks for always brightening up the end of my days!!!! My fave line was “Has Todd been reading the other books?”

  16. Tannaqui says:

    Tis the mighty aryan teen baddie fo sho!

    Watched ‘Just One Of The Guys” the other day. Classic ‘80s trans-gender/table lifting fun.

    Has there been cross dressing in SV? Besides by the jocks of course. Which is ALWAYS HILARIOUS.


  17. calico drive says:

    believe that Lois is mentioned again in #74 the perfect girl – both robin and jess are all damn that girl needs to diet but liz is all clutching her pearls, Lois is a lovely person etc etc. barf.

  18. Ellen Riteman says:

    Poor Lois. I’m surprised she never tried to pull an Annie Whitman. They’ve been torturing her since middle school. Didn’t Jess feed her a shaving cream sundae in the first SVT book?

    Also this is one of the first of a trillion SVH books were the dude falls in love with a Wakefield, only to be dropped and forced to see the inner beauty of a brunette.

  19. amandapea says:

    I just wanted to say that I used to stare at this cover obsessively. There’s just something about it that’s so wrong, yet so mesmerizing…

  20. Renee says:

    Yeah, um young Warren Beatty was ridiculously hott, holy shit. I could never share that with anyone when I was a teen. When you’re talking about guys with your friends and they’re like “Shelley what famous person do you think is hot?” and I’m all like “Hey, you know Warren Beatty? well he’s about 60 now, but when he was young he was in this old movie…and I’m a little obsessed with him, well his younger version of himself and I secretly wish that I was born decades earlier so we could have met and I could have his baby.”


    He’s the only reason I watched that damn “Splendor in the Grass”…4 times…I feel like I shouldn’t be admitting this lol.

  21. Amy says:

    Renee, he was wicked hot.
    People should look outside of their own generation, honestly.

    I once said James Spader was hot, back in the day. (Pre-bloat) Only to get faces turn to me, twisted with ‘wtf?’
    One girl came up and was all “No, Tannaqui, no.”

    Only recently have been backed up with the Spader love. No longer a freak ^_^

  22. Amy Slutton says:

    OMG, thinking about it, I think this is one of the SVH books that affected me the most. I thought Jessica looked soooo beautiful on the cover. And to this DAY when I go out for a burger I always get the cheeseburger, fries and chocolate milkshake, without fail mentally reciting “I shouldn’t, but I can never resist.”
    I was also scared for life out of surfing for fear of getting knocked out by my surfboard drowning.
    And let us not forget the infamous scene where Jessica appears, having changed into her pale blue sundress, wearing that lipstick with the faint perfumey smell…

    LOL MissPinkKate, I noticed that too, and also how the girls would say something “silkily”.

    Or “crooning”. WTH?

  23. maybeimamazed02 says:

    Oh crap, I just wrote a YA novel and used the words “husky” and “croon.” Although the latter was referring to singing, so I think that actually makes sense. *smacks forehead* Damn the lifelong effects of SVH books!

    If you want young, ridiculously hot, and from another generation, also check out Robert Redford in Barefoot in the Park. Wowza.

  24. tinypants says:

    It’s not just the guys — I feel like Jess is always using a husky voice too! I was looking yesterday at… I think it was the one with the tennis player, Kristin, it’s in the low 50s (maybe #51). And this one scene ends with “Jessica grunted and left the room” or something like that. Grunted!? What!!?

    And yeah, I always thought she was seductively letting her ugly yellow towel slip off on the cover. That seems a bit too steamy for these covers tho, so I think the two-tone bikini makes more sense. Paging American Apparel!

    And Amy — James Spader is hot in the 80s!! Honestly, they could have done a sequel to “Pretty in Pink” that was just about his character and I would have loved it. And in “Less Than Zero,” when he’s using that giant cordless phone in the hot tub — love it, love it! And not ashamed to say it!

  25. Amber Tan says:

    “yes! For girls, it was “pretty plus”. I frequented that section often.”

    Hey me too! I thought you looked familiar, ihatewheat. 😉

    “I’m a little obsessed with him, well his younger version of himself and I secretly wish that I was born decades earlier so we could have met and I could have his baby.”

    Hee, Renee! You have excellent taste no matter what your teenage gal pals might have told you. Not only do I concur re: the ABSOLUTE HAWTNESS of young Warren Beatty, I’ll even add Sean Connery and Paul Newman to the list for good measure. Frankly, no matter what his age, I still wouldn’t kick Sean out of bed for eating crackers. He’ll always be James Bond to me dammit! 🙂

    “James Spader is hot in the 80s!!”

    Sex Lies and Video Tape. That is all.

  26. Count Tisiano says:

    re: 20/20 vistion- wasn’t there a SVT book in which Jessica got glasses? (Or am I hallucinating since the idea of “Francine” giving the twins a single flaw is outrageous?)

  27. amandapea says:

    Speaking of weird crushes (not to completely hijack the thread), but I totally am into Gregory Peck in the movie version of To Kill a Mockingbird–and, sadly, the guy who plays Captain Von Trapp in The Sound of Music.

    Sick, I know. (and to add to the weirdness, I swear that even as we speak–er, type–I am wearing a t-shirt that says, “Old guys rule!”)

  28. Amy Slutton says:

    Maybeimamazed — I think crooned is supposed to be with reference to singing; but I have seen it used in SVH where there is no singing going on. In that context it almost sounds creepy!

    And oh yes to a young Robert Redford — has anyone seen him in that episode of The Twilight Zone called “Nothing in the Dark”? That may have been when he just appeared on the scene. He was clearly the Brad Pitt of that time!

    Which leads me to a little tangent… has anyone else had the feeling the ghostwriters were nowhere near being teenagers in the 80’s? There are so many references to things that were “cool” way before the SVH gang came of age.

  29. Amber Tan says:

    “I totally am into Gregory Peck in the movie version of To Kill a Mockingbird–and, sadly, the guy who plays Captain Von Trapp in The Sound of Music.”

    Amandapea — I heart Gregory Peck too. The Sound of Music dad was Christopher Plummer. And as a dirty-minded teen, I probably would have jumped when he whistled. 😉

    “has anyone seen him in that episode of The Twilight Zone called “Nothing in the Dark”?”

    Oh yeah, good call, Amy Slutton! I’d totes forgotten Redford was ever in The Twilight Zone.

    Oh my! The list of “young, ridiculously hot, and from another generation” list is growing at an exponential rate. If y’all continue in this vein, I’m gonna have to take a cold shower. 😉

  30. ihatewheat says:

    I have a “hot guy in old movies”- we watched the Roman Polanski version of Macbeth in high school, and I was all, “why do I feel funny down there?” because of the guy who played Macbeth.

    I also had a thang for Leonard Whiting in Romeo and Juliet. Totally looked like Zac Efron.

    • Vanessa Saxton says:

      I showed that movie last year to my 9th graders when we were reading R&J. They totally thought he was Zac Efron.

  31. Dwanollah says:

    “And oh yes to a young Robert Redford — has anyone seen him in that episode of The Twilight Zone called “Nothing in the Dark”? That may have been when he just appeared on the scene. He was clearly the Brad Pitt of that time!”

    Young Robert Redford was almost as gorgeous as a young Linda Ronstadt. 😉

    I loved this book so freakin’ much when I was in jr. hi. I thought Bill was super dreamy. Ihatewheat, however, has forever ruined him by comparing him to Zabka. *shakes fist*

    And Patsy’s hair was the bomb-diggity back in 1983! What do you kids know?!

  32. amfairie says:

    Eli said: “I like how Jess is pulling on his man necklace, like, I guess it is supposed to be sexy?”

    Aha! So THAT’S what she’s doing! I feel silly now. I though she was doing some sort of ‘come hither’ motion with her finger, only was too stupid to realize that she was standing in his armpit already. Totally missed the necklace.

  33. amandapea says:

    patience and ihatewheat, are you talking about the 70’s-era version of R&J where Juliet has HUGE boobs that are always heaving? I was so distracted by that (and not in a good way–I was mortified and waiting for them to fall out) and Romeo’s poofy sleeves that I couldn’t focus on anyone’s attractiveness.

  34. maybeimamazed02 says:

    I remember watching Romeo and Juliet as a Catholic school 9th grader…you saw Romeo’s butt, and it was soooo scandalous! Also, during the balcony scene, the immature boys in my class yelled “suck-face!”

    Loved the movie, though. And Leonard Whiting. Not to mention young Michael York as Tybalt–pretty cute (AND English accent, yay!).

  35. Amber Tan says:

    “Ihatewheat, however, has forever ruined him by comparing him to Zabka. *shakes fist*”

    Yeah, Dwanollah– the resemblance between Bill Chase and Zabka is uncanny. Try not to dwell on it — just focus on Young Hawt Linda Ronstadt instead. 😉

    “And Patsy’s hair was the bomb-diggity back in 1983! What do you kids know?!”

    Ah, 1983 — the year that ushered in the era of New Wave music and introduced avant-garde hair products such as “gel” and “mousse”. Maybe Patsy went to same stylist as the Thompson Twins. 😉

    “ah yes…that was very awkward to watch in the mixed company of my seventh-grade peers.”

    Seriously, amandapea!? Dude. I *knew* I was missing out on all the juicy stuff by attending Catholic school! Did you have to watch it for English Lit or something?

  36. Renee says:

    You guys rock! Thanks for validating my weird love for “men from another generation who used to freaking gorgeous” 🙂 I can hold my head up proudly now while I drool over “seasoned” gentleman lol.

    p.s. totally LOVED that version of Romeo and Juliet, omg. I didn’t realize the chick who played juliet was only 15 at the time. I thought she was so beautiful…although, sadly she hasn’t aged all that well. I was a little shocked.

  37. BadKat says:

    I second the nomination for Paul Newman. To me, he was way more of a hottie. I fell in love with Cool Hand Luke in 9th grade Social Studies. I also think his salad dressing and cookies are delicious.

  38. Tannaqui (Amy) says:

    Omg! Zefferelli’s Romeo…..much love.

    I swear he was the best thing about year 10 Lit.
    The first camera close up of him, all the girls in the class literally drew breath.

    And I’ll add Gabriel Byrne to the list.
    Old man hot.

  39. Cheryl Slade says:

    Wow, aggravated by page 7, that’s got to be a new record. “Immediately Elizabeth felt guilty for suspecting the worst. Patsy was probably very nice.” Elizabeth. YOU JUST SAW SOME HEIFER DRESSED LIKE JESSICA PUSHING UP ON YOUR MAN. GROW SOME STONES ALREADY.

  40. BartTempleton says:

    “Or is she just there as a cautionary tale of what happens when you are not a Wakefield?”

    Thank You.

    And I cannot believe I’m the only one who loved, loves, and will continue to love the idea of a bronze wet-look (i.e. lame’ ?) swimsuit. It makes me think of a Bo Derek goddess-type slinking around the beach.

    Excellent analysis of the salty spray, Sarah.

    “Now the water felt teasing and delicious as it fizzed over her body, mingling with the salty taste of Bill’s kiss.”

    –This must have been the same g.w. who wrote the immortal Liz-Todd milkshake-n’-fries kiss scene burned into my cerebrum. She likes her salty kisses, doesn’t she? Makes me wonder why…

  41. Sarah says:

    I vote for Paul Newman too.
    I clearly had/have a thing for blue eyes cuz I was also completely smitten by Peter O’Toole in How to Steal A Million when I was 12 – er the movie came out long before I was born. He spends a good chunk of that move locked in a closet with Audrey Hepburn. I think every viewer was jealous of one or the other.

  42. BartTempleton says:

    I went to Catholic school and we watched the Italian R&J in 9th. Our crusty late fifty-something male teacher reached out to cover the screen when the bedroom scene came on–but about 30 seconds too late. The class went postal, especially the boys over J’s bosomz.

    Something about Teach’s reaction was completely disingenuous and indicated that he had watched that scene many a time on his own.

    LOL over those who think of James Spader as an older guy. I actually was watching him in real time during his 80s hearthrob years…only I always found him extremely off-putting…something reptilian about his eyes…The only time he ever used his creepiness to good effect was in _Secretary_.

  43. Enidrollins says:

    I loved this one–loved to hate it, that is!!! The whole treat-Deedee-like-shit-until-she’s-dying thing! And the near-sexual kiss scene at the end! And Doormat Liz! And the whole you’re-shit-if-you-aint-gotta-man sydrome!

  44. Amy Slutton says:

    I try to envision Patsy’s hair, and I keep coming up with a curly version of Posh Spice’s longer in the front, boy-short in the back bob. Am I way off?

  45. Amber Tan says:

    “I try to envision Patsy’s hair, and I keep coming up with a curly version of Posh Spice’s longer in the front, boy-short in the back bob. Am I way off?”

    Amy Slutton, I think we’re stumbling closer to the Truth About Patsy’s Hair. I’m picturing something like the Thompson Twins.



  46. Merrie says:

    Speaking of Zabka, did anyone see the video “Sweep The Leg” by No More Kings? It features the cast of the original “Karate Kid” including Johnny. I think he actually directed it, but I could be wrong …

  47. Dwanollah says:

    Damn… Zabka IS still kinda hot. Can’t get on board with Spader, neither. He was always too creepy for me.

    Romeo, however…? *sigh*

    None of them were as hot as Tom Bailey from the Thompson Twins, though… Patsy-hair or no!

  48. Jade Wu's Toe Shoe says:

    I can’t believe no one has mentioned Charlton Heston! (God rest him.) A friend of mine jokes that she married her husband because when she first saw him (at Mass, incidentally) he had an uncanny resemblence to a young Mr. Heston, and she immediately thought, “Moses!” Bwahaha.

  49. Christopher says:

    I liked Spader in pretty in Pink, but Andrew McCarthy was the hottest one in that movie. I had a crush on Michael J. Fox from The Back To The Future era…loved the first movie so much I went to the theater 19 times to see it.

  50. Suzanne Devlin says:

    The first thing I thought when I saw that cover was, “Bill Chase looks like the mean dude from Karate Kid.” Then I read your post and died laughing.

  51. Laura @ Hungry And Frozen says:

    Amy and Tinypants – I feel so validated now 🙂 everyone in my flat thinks I’m mad for thinking young James Spader is all kinds of hot. He may look like a bloated cherub now, but he used to have cheekbones and come-hither eyes, damnit! (Although seeing him in Crash – not the recent one – put me off for a looong time)

    The idea of a straw-slim skirt always confused the hell out of me, as did a leather sash. Aren’t sashes by nature, soft and flowy whilst leather is stiff? Am I overthinking again?

    You’re right, Jess is alarmingly sociopathic in these early books. Fun readin’ though!

  52. Amber Tan says:

    “the guy from Simply Red”

    Mike Hucknall —

    “…A friend of mine jokes that she married her husband because when she first saw him … he had an uncanny resemblance to a young Mr. Heston, and she immediately thought, “Moses!”

    Hee! That’s too funny, Jade Wu’s Toe Shoe. I like to remember Young Charlton as The Omega Man. Or wearing his loincloth a la Planet of the Apes. And I can think of worse reasons to marry someone. 😉

    “he used to have cheekbones and come-hither eyes, damnit!”

    Hey, Laura @ Hungry And Frozen! Show this to your flatmates and they will be forced to capitulate to the Hawtness of Young James Spader —

    “Aren’t sashes by nature, soft and flowy whilst leather is stiff?”

    Yes, sashes are but the textures and pliability of leather depends on the hide and how it’s processed. I own two coats and a dress that are made of very soft, supple leather as well as a pair of trousers and another coat that are made of much stiffer, shinier leather.

    And I’ll thank y’all now for not ratting me out to PETA. 😉

  53. Jen S says:

    Damn, Amber Tan, James was Hottie McHott in that! Was he all nude in the bed in that one scene where he’s going through her purse? Damn, he could go through my purse nude any time! Hah, listen to me, I’ll be writing for SVH soon.

    The young Charleton Heston was also a flawlessly magnificent specimen. You know that if he wanted you, he’d just stride across the room, sweep you into his huge, muscle-y arms, press you to his manly chest, and kiss the hell and protests right out of you. Purrr……

    Back to the book–yeh, Splendor in the Grass is a little heavy–but when I was a teen drama geek, every high school in the country was doing Our Town and The Crucible, which really weren’t kid-friendly either.

  54. Amber Tan says:

    “James was Hottie McHott in that!”

    Yah, he sure was, Jen S. Apparently 1994 was A Very Good Year for James.

    “Was he all nude in the bed in that one scene where he’s going through her purse?”

    Ya know, I re-played that part over and over again but still haven’t reached a satisfactory answer to that question. I’d better go look again… 😉

    “Damn, he could go through my purse nude any time!”

    From your mouth to the Goddess’s ears, Jen S. Only be sure to specify Young Hawt James Spader or you could end up with the cherubic bloated version. 😉

    “every high school in the country was doing Our Town and The Crucible, which really weren’t kid-friendly either”

    Good point, Jen S.! I also remember that my HS did “Grease” and some of the ‘rents were really surprised to see the student actors smoking and swearing.

  55. Jen S says:

    I don’t think I’d mind Chubby Cherub James either, at least not his character on Boston Legal. He just loves the ladies–tall, short, fat, thin, young, old, he finds them endlessly beautiful and fascinating. I adore the endless crush he had on Shirley. (Of course, she was Candice Bergen, so who could blame him?)

  56. Amber Tan says:

    “I don’t think I’d mind Chubby Cherub James either, at least not his character on Boston Legal.”

    I’ve never watched Boston Legal but his character sounds delightful. I heart Candice Bergen too. 🙂

    ETA: After a careful examination of the video in question, the jury has reached the verdict that Young James *is* naked in the bedroom/ purse scene. The Bench thanks the jury for its tireless efforts in resolving this important issue.

  57. Amber Tan says:

    I dunno, Dwanollah. Maybe that and the fact that the cast size for both shows can be expanded to include extra players. But since I was just the humble stage manager and not privy to the decision-making of the hot shot director, I really don’t know. None of the directors I dealt with seemed to consider scenery construction in choosing the plays. After all, *they* didn’t have to do the actual building. 😉

    IIRC, the most elaborate sets that we ever built were for “Anything Goes” and “Auntie Mame”.

  58. Fraser says:

    Amber, most directors I’ve worked with (nonprofessional theater) will consider set difficulty as a factor–otherwise we wind up with very bad sets and pissed off set-builders.

  59. Amber Tan says:

    Hi Faser! Sounds like your theatre is a far more professional outfit than our poor underfunded Catholic HS was. Our directors were decidely 3rd tier for the most part and were of the “make it so” mentality. 😦

  60. Sonnie says:

    So I looked up what “wet bikini look” was all about. And it’s just a name for the material they made it from. Kinda like a cross between vinyl and the stupid shit that all of American Apparel is made from, lame frabric. GHEY!

  61. katie says:

    Ew. The cover is hideous. The Twins usually look boobless…but on Bill? He looks like a rapist.

    I really hate Jessica. I like how it gets back at her in the end.

    Seriously…all that detailed description of kisses,,saltiness…tender…*gag* It’s so friggin cheesy. And I swear almost all the guys from SVH are gay. Most of them are romantic/sweet/very loving/ sweet talk…yeah…that’s exactly what the guys are like in todays society.

  62. Karla Keffer says:

    Oh, Leonard Whiting in R&J! HAWT! We had a cool English teacher in 9th grade and he didn’t fast forward past Leonard’s bare ass and I was ALL hot and bothered…this may well have been the first time I thanked god I was not a boy, because if I were I’d have to hide my boner behind a Trapper Keeper. :-p

  63. Anonymous says:

    Guys, I have found the Wakefields’ weakness… they are SHORT! Because when Liz is lamenting how perfect Patsy seems, she notes that Patsy is the perfect height for Todd, while she gets a crick in her neck from trying to look up at him all the time. HA!

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