Dear Diary: I’m boring


Sorry all, I gave this a try and I had to stop. It was too horrid. It’s like DVD extras; sometimes you watch the deleted scenes of a movie and you think, wow, there was a reason those scenes were deleted. Do we really need to rehash some of the Saint Elzabeth moments? his is Elizabeth’s secret diary volume three, which means it takes place over bookslike 60-80 or something.

You’d think that hearing about Elizabeth in first person point of view would give more insight into her character but it gives us the insight that she is as boring and condescending as we thought she was. She also constantly refers to Diary by name, like “Diary, you wouldn’t believe what happened today!” Gross.

The infurating thing is that Elizabeth meets Sam first and they have a fling. It’s love at first sight of course, so I am sure he is just as happy with Jessica. This, of course, does not fit in any other plot line, because Liz never again mentions any other times her romantic feelings for Sam, not even when she, um, I don’t know, drives drunk and kills him.

What is that house in the background? is that guy supposed to be Sam? Liz looks like Lauren Conrad. Please shoot me for knowing who Lauren Conrad is.

37 thoughts on “Dear Diary: I’m boring

  1. creolerose1115 says:

    Hideous….these don’t even register to me as actual Sweet Valley High books…I hate these covers and those freakin’ Daniels twins and I pretend all the Elizabeth-n-Sam and Jessica-n-Elizabeth’s-boyfriend nonsense didn’t happen. The diaries make the entire series nonsensical!! I know some of you are gwahaffing at that last, but I really mean it- for all the general craziness of the original series, these diaries damn near ruin that retarded fun!!!!

  2. Merrie says:

    I read the second volume of Jessica’s secret diary a few months ago. I checked it out from the library. It was pure crap. And not in a good way. I don’t think I could make it through a re-cap, no matter how snarky.

  3. Becca says:

    She totally looks like LC in that picture! I know what this is because I just saw The Hills today. That show, btw, is like real life Sweet Valley, imo.

    I can’t remember the last SVH book I read, but it was in HS sometime, like 15 or so years ago, and it is so much fun re-reading them now! It’s like our own online book club. 🙂 Thanks for the diary info though, I doubt I’ll waste my time with it.

  4. Dwanollah says:

    The only thing I remember about this is Liz gooning that if she and Sam get married, she won’t even have to change her last initial. *eye roll* And considering she was also dating Todd Wilkins, it only compounds Teh Stoopid.

    Plus half the population of Sweet Valley has a surname that begins with “W” so I’m sure Liz’d have other chances….

  5. Clementine Bojangles says:

    See, this is why the secret diaries were always my least favorites. They make even less sense than the books that they’re recapping. If that’s possible.

    The twins always cheat with the other’s boyfriend, and it’s always super way lame.

    As if the series needed to get even more convoluted in the time-space continuum?

  6. ihatewheat says:

    you all said it so eloquently. Why were these even written? Why do they make Liz so good if she’s cheated on her boyfriend hundreds of times and with her sister’s boyfriends? Ugh.

  7. BadKat says:

    How did this chick end up being the cover girl for a SVH (or Diary, whatever)? She is that ditzy blond, half-assed actress that is in a bunch of stuff I cannot place my finger on at this moment. Can any blond half-assed actress pose as a Wakefield twin now? Or is that how they get their start in the half-ass acting world? UGH :q

  8. ihatewheat says:

    They are the Daniels twins- they were in a bunch of crap. One of them is on the show “The Game” right now. Another one gave Dawson a BJ on Dawson’s Creek. And one played a tranny on “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”.

  9. megan says:

    Ihatewheat-That was all Brittany Daniel.

    Her twin must not be any good. Even tho I didn’t like how Brittany played Jessica, she really really sucked!

  10. BadKat says:

    “Always Sunny”, That’s right!! Thanks ihatewheat!

    I do not know these twins as the Wakefields as I was spared from watching the television show. I (thankfully) have never have watched one episode.

  11. Beth says:

    Brittany was also in “Club Dredd”. Just in case any of y’all wanted that completely useless info…I had never heard of these secret diaries. But then I also like a little oblivion with my SVH. I stopped reading when Jeffery French came aboard. Liz and Todd were so sickening that I couldn’t imagine Liz with anyone else!

  12. BartTempleton says:

    What the Hell. Do not get me started on the Daniel twins. Please look at the cover of this [crap fake-SVH that I never read] and tell me how this person resembles Liz. She is smirking, twinkling out at us in a very Jessica fashion.
    On the back cover, she’s trying to be more Elizabeth, but it’s not organic.

    We demand Condescension. We must have Concern; Troubled Gaze; and, at times, Righteous Indignation.

    And yes, my entire analysis is based on the covers. Because as ihatewheat has correctly shown, this is not a real SVH book. (But thanks for posting about it).

    And Liz and Sam? Pffffft.

  13. BartTempleton says:

    TO Beth’s point, there needs to be a separate section of this site where posters can list all of the nausea-inducing Todd and Liz quotes.

    The one that sticks in my mind is from an early book (Secrets, perhaps?) where Liz eats fries and Todd drinks a vanilla shake and when they kiss, they comment on how the sweet and salty tastes mingle on their lips.


  14. Alicia says:

    I can’t believe I’m saying this but…
    I love Brittany Daniel in “The Game”. And on “It’s Always Sunny”.

    There, it’s out. Although I do take comfort in the fact that she’s gotten a lot better since her Jessica days.

  15. Laura @ Hungry And Frozen says:

    Now that you mention it I’m pretty sure she was, Aimee…and wasn’t she also in Joe Dirt? Look where Sweet Valley can take you…

    I remember reading this (oh those mid-to-late-nineties sparkly hairclips) and thinking “wtf” with Sam too – is it an unwritting SV law that Jess and Liz have to test-drive each other’s boyfriends?

    I hate it when people (or should I say novel characters) talk to their diary literally. Ugh!

  16. Magpie says:

    BartTempleton, I just laughed for a solid 5 minutes at your reference to that nauseating Liz and Todd moment. Yep, that’s got to be one of the worst. I actually feel slightly queasy thinking about it.

    I completely agree with all the disapproval of the Daniel twins as the Wakefields – they have never been, and will never be, Elizabeth and Jessica in my mind.

  17. Merrie says:

    One of the Daniel twins also had a role on the short-lived teen soap “Swan’s Crossing.” Oh, that show was horrible, yet I could not stop watching it. It was like Saved By The Bell on crack.

  18. Amber Tan says:

    “pretend all the Elizabeth-n-Sam and Jessica-n-Elizabeth’s-boyfriend nonsense didn’t happen.”

    Words to Live By, creolerose1115! 🙂

    “it only compounds Teh Stoopid”

    Hee — great tag-line potential, Dwanollah! 🙂

    “We demand Condescension. We must have Concern; Troubled Gaze; and, at times, Righteous Indignation.”

    Raise high the banner, BartTempleton! United we stand! 🙂

    “It was like Saved By The Bell on crack.”

    Bwah, Merrie! Forget TV Guide, this is the most accurate description of Swan’s Crossing EVER. 🙂

    Also, I have no idea who Lauren Conrad is nor why knowing her is a shootable offense.

  19. Amy Slutton says:

    Count me in as another Secret Diary-hater. I used to actually own one of Jessica’s but I gave it away. They are utter garbage! Most of them are comprised of cut-and-pastes from the original books to top it off! Plus by this point they were all 90’s out anyway. Original 80’s SVH all the way!

  20. BartTempleton says:

    AmberTan, thank you for joining the Revolution.

    Magpie, I remember thinking, “If you wanted to get the salty and sweet tastes together why didn’t you just…eat the fries and sip the shake at the same time?”

    It speaks to the heart of what is hateful about Tiz/Lodd and similar couples: they are so enamored with the fact of their coupledom, that they must always comment on it, and in the most infantile of fashions. Siociobiologists tell us that adults talk baby talk to each other and feed each other while pair-bonding to simulate the nurtuting parent-child r’ship.

    Did Kate William/ghostwriter of the month read _Biology Today_ in her spare time? Was this a meta-commentary on the state of American r’ships in the 80s?

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  21. Catbob says:

    Those Daniel twins never ever convinced me as the Wakefields either. Why, they didn’t even have Pacific coloured eyes! I seem to remember they looked hazel or something. Plus they looked way older. They may as well not have bothered with that TV series.

    “We demand Condescension. We must have Concern; Troubled Gaze; and, at times, Righteous Indignation.”
    ^ Exactamentally! She’s not even *trying* to capture the essence of the Liz. Apart from the fact she doesn’t look anything like her, she could at least lay her hand on someone’s shoulder and fake a bit of sympathy. She can’t even get the coordinating hairslide malarkey right. Jeezy Creezy.

    PS, been reading this blog for about 5-6 months and love it. :¬) Great jorb!

  22. Amber Tan says:

    Happy to be of service, Comrade BartTempleton. 🙂

    “…adults talk baby talk to each other and feed each other while pair-bonding to simulate the nurtuting parent-child r’ship.”

    Blechh. IMO this type of behavior is even worse than the french fries-milkshake combo. Perhaps the nauseating kiss is intended to be a metaphor for Liz and Todd’s relationship.

  23. calico drive says:

    * explitive deleted* Brittany Daniel. grr . and VERY lame cover for this one – pseudo-Liz. summary of this book…”dear diary i am a total whore. hope Jess/Todd never find out. OOPS Sams dead never mind ill screw around with all of jessica’s boyfriends im sure at least some of them will stay alive for the next few books..”

  24. Sophie says:

    Nthing the idea that the Daniels twins were not good at all for the parts of Liz ‘n Jess. I think I mentioned it before-they look like porn stars.

  25. Shannon River says:

    LOL. Yeah, I think that’s supposed to be the Wakefields “Spanish tiled” home.

    I never read these books either, and I know they’re trying to make them juicy and whatnot… but what I’m really gathering here is Lizzie is a SLUT. She seems to have flings and romantic feelings for EVERY GUY.

  26. KimmyMac says:

    One of the Daniel twins also had a role on the short-lived teen soap “Swan’s Crossing.” Oh, that show was horrible, yet I could not stop watching it. It was like Saved By The Bell on crack

    OMG I loved that show. I had a huge crush on Shane McDermont. I haven’t seen him on screen since Airborne[sad face]

  27. Jennifer says:

    I never really understood what the point of the secret diaries were, unless they were a way for someone to own the entire first part of the series by owning six books.

    As for the Daniel twins, I like them, just not as Liz and Jess. Not to mention that if they had made a tv show in the 80s instead of the 90s after allthe original readers stopped reading, it would have been better (besides, the girl who played Caroline in Sixteen Candles could have played the twins.) I always thought the show would have been better with one person playing a double part, since htey were supposed to be so identical and all, and I could tell them apart across the room. Sigh….

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