vomtastic

Thanks to all of you that asked, I decided to name my cat Regina Morrow. Because of the heart murmur, and get this…I can’t believe I didn’t make the connection before…she has a gray face with a little bit of a white spot under her nose…like she has just snorted cocaine! It was just too perfect!

I started reading Rosa’s Lie, but I had to share this reader of the month. I think she thought that she was writing a Sweet Valley Saga. You ready?

As I curl up in front of the blue-gray woodstove on a chilly winter night or lie on my bed under the ceiling fan on a hot, lazy day, I drift over to another place. [Does it matter what the color of the woodstove is? Seriously.]
Francine Pascal can take an ordinary situation and elaborate it into an introguing novel. The printed lines in her books provide a perfect mental picture of Sweet Valley and its inhabitants. I am transported into the California dream. [The California WASP dream, that is.]

I escape from my worries and pressures to Jessica’s exciting schemes [sociopathy] and Elizabeth’s continuous rescues of her sister [doormattopathy] and her drive to do better.

Francine’s books furnish me with dreams and an attitude to do my best [i.e., be really thin and blond]. After finishing a book I feel relaxed and ready to tackle the obstacles in my life [if those obstacles include winning a cheerleading competition and/or escaping a deranged kidnapper].

I feel Francine’s books not only provide pleasurable liesure time but also give me insights on how to live my life.

That was from Becky, and when I googled her full name, got nothing. If you are not googable, you are nothing.

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19 thoughts on “vomtastic

  1. Amber Tan says:

    Hooray, Regina Morrow! Thanks for the closure, ihatewheat. 🙂

    “[Does it matter what the color of the woodstove is? Seriously.]”

    At least this poor deluded individual didn’t write about how the woodstove matched her sparkling Caribbean blue eyes. 😉

    For proof of said delusion, we need only reference this statement: “I feel Francine’s books not only provide pleasurable liesure time but also give me insights on how to live my life.”

    And, given the context, ‘liesure’ is definitely the most Freudian spelling error I’ve encountered recently. 😉

  2. Abby says:

    I realize there was a word limit on each Reader of the Month essay, but I would have really loved Becky to elaborate on what insights on how to live her life she picked up on…my guesses are, 1. dark hair=bad, (unless you’re extremely rich in which case you’re cool but still will always play second fiddle to your blond friend), 2. When a guy kidnaps or attempts to rape you, he’s not a criminal…he’s just REALLY into you and you should be flattered you inspire such passion in someone, 3. ALWAYS try to coordinate your outfits to match your eyes, and 4. Sex=bad, raging cocktease=good, and finally 5. As long as you’re in a monogamous relationship and get good grades you can be free to be as judgemental and bossy as you please yet still be eligible for sainthood.

  3. Sarah C. says:

    Becky “drifts” and “is transported”; she also has “mental pictures.” After finishing a book she is “relaxed,” yet, oddly enough, also confident (“ready to tackle the obstacles in my life”). SVH is sounding a lot like a controlled substance.

  4. NIUiceprincess says:

    This has made me LOL at work! How can SVH give you “insights on how to live life”? Too bad you didn’t find anything on her via google, it would be interesting how she turned out.

  5. Amber Tan says:

    “SVH is sounding a lot like a controlled substance.”

    If only Nancy Reagan had addressed the evils of SVH during her ‘Just say ‘no’!’ campaign, then Becky could have been saved. She might even have even become google-able. O the humanity!

    “How can SVH give you “insights on how to live life”?”

    Well, it could serve as a cautionary example , i.e. What Not To Do/ How Not To Behave

  6. Ellie says:

    I don’t know what you all are talking about. SVH TOTALLY gives me insights into my life. When I’m dealing with a difficult issue at work, I just have to think to myself, what would Jessica do? Then tackle it accordingly. I have won MANY a cheerleading, surfing, beauty, and ditzing contests that way.

    In dealing with my personal life I adopt the wise adage 4. Sex=bad, raging cocktease=good and my cats and I are very happy thank you very much.

  7. Abby says:

    Ellie- just Jessica? How will you ever win essay contests and writing awards, and how will you ever save the lives of wayward minorities and gays (or worse– girls who have to wear glasses)?

  8. Beth says:

    HA! “WWJD”- what would Jessica do? Nice….
    I could also see good ole Nancy Reagan warning people against the dangers of SVH addiction- “DARE to keep kids off drugs and Wakefields” (sorry, guys- I am sitting here trying to ignore someone and LOOK busy, so please work with me here and deal with my delusions, k?)

  9. kiwimusume says:

    I “escape from my worries and pressures” by having “mental pictures” and “drifting over” to a world more perfect too. I am also currently having to face the fact that I have something that sounds suspiciously like narcissistic personality disorder (and if not is still headfuckage that needs to be looked at as soon as I can get an appointment with an English-speaking psychiatrist.)

    Just sayin’, is all.

  10. Amber Tan says:

    “HA! “WWJD”- what would Jessica do? Nice….”

    Please tell me that someone, somewhere has created fugly lavolier-bead necklaces like the twins received as b-day gifts but with this slogan on it.

    Only maybe it should be “WWJWD?” for “What Would Jessica Wakefield Do?” which would distinguish it from the Jesus (WWJD) and Joan (WWJJD)…Jet versions. Whaddya think?

    And, Beth, you ARE busy — no need to pretend since you’re currently engrossed in brainstorming marketing strategies for ihatewheat’s future product line: Sweet Valley Life’s Insights Tchotchke.

    “I “escape from my worries and pressures” by having “mental pictures” and “drifting over” to a world more perfect too.”

    Not that there’s anything wrong with this in particular; we all engage in fantasies to some extent. But here’s wishing you the best of luck in getting an appointment — hope it helps the headfuckage… sending hugs and encouragement to you, kiwimusume! 🙂

  11. breyerstable says:

    Hi! It’s me, Enid Rollins! On my unusued account, Lol.

    This girl is seriously deranged! A Sweet Valley Homage!!!???!!!!??? It gives her insights…pah.

  12. Sarah C. says:

    I second Amber Tan’s good wishes,kiwimusume. If only I could fly Elizabeth Wakefield out to you–she’d know exactly how to help (give you a makeover, throw a dance, publish a special issue of The Oracle. . . ).

  13. Amber Tan says:

    “If only I could fly Elizabeth Wakefield out to you–she’d know exactly how to help (give you a makeover, throw a dance, publish a special issue of The Oracle. . . ).”

    Or maybe getting dropped on her head during a cheer routine, or going to jail for her DUI, or drowning during a surfing competition…Yeah, those are few of the things that Liz could do that would cheer me up, Sarah C. 😉

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