Patmans of Sweet Valley: cross-dressing, oil, and Wellesley

I found a scan of the inside panel, and I don’t mean to be a perv, but I am interpreting a lot of it in a sexual way. The large picture in the middle is obvs Sophie and her “as you wish” stablehand Henry Patman. From where her eyes are and how he is standing, it looks like he is letting it hang out for her. On the left is our friend James Patman who discovers an oil well on his land, but UPC bar is strategically placed. Looks like he is taking a good pee after holding it in.

Previously on….

We pick up with John Patman, who after losing Katherine, is now a rodeo champion in Texas. He meets a “boy” who seems to win every competition, but turns out to be Samantha Parker, who competes in drag. Well, that could have been an interesting story about her life. They could have mentioned the oppression she received as a result of her gender variance, or the struggles she had. But nope, she takes one look at John Patman and lets down her flowing blond hair and shows off her slender waist and suddenly wants to marry him and fornicate like rabbits with and have lots of babies. Because who can resist a Patman?

Also, this section is written in what I think the ghostwriter thought of as “cowboy” language, and it’s really obnoxious. “She reckoned he was handsome, with his unruly black hair and intense eyes. But she wasn’t about to let him know that. Every cowboy she’d ever met already thought he was the biggest toad in the puddle. They were all conceited as blazes. And she’s be crazier than a peeled rattlesnake to get herself involved with any of them.” Oh, shut up.

Skip ahead a few years, John and Samantha are living out on open land and running out of food and crops. Randomly one day John strikes oil. They get super rich and pop out more children.

Their youngest son, William, is about to graduate from Harvard in 1924. he has a thing for Helena Howard who is a senior at Wellesley, but at first she rejects him because he is a “hick” from Texas and not someone a well-bred girl like her deserves. He’s also “nouveau-riche” because his family just got rich from the oil. Finally she “gives in” and starts to date her. Wow, these Patmans have a way with forcing women into things they don’t want to do, don’t they? He rides into the Wellsley dining hall on one of those old-fashioned bicycle with a marriage proposal for Helena.

Jeez, this one is dragging.

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23 thoughts on “Patmans of Sweet Valley: cross-dressing, oil, and Wellesley

  1. 1979semifinalist says:

    wow. i don’t know how you’re making it through that “cowboy language” i didn’t think these books could get worse, but that sounds much much worse.

    sidenote: i emailed popcandy about you today. i’d been thinking about it for a while actually, but when i read your funny bit on facebook i decided to just go ahead with it. don’t worry, i made sure to plug my own blog as well, which will likely get us exactly nowhere, but here’s hoping!

    ~1979semifinalist

  2. Amber Tan says:

    “Looks like he is taking a good pee after holding it in.”

    Wahl, I’ll be a hoppin’ horned toad iffen you ain’t right, liddle lady. It shorely does look a might like the boy is puttin’ out the fahrr.

    [ducking and running]

  3. megan says:

    If the guy in the cowboy hat is John then ummm yea, I would have went out with him too, and I wouldn’t care if he was poor or new money or whatever haha.

  4. nichole says:

    How did William meet Helena? Harvard and Wellesley are not exactly next door to each other, especially in 1924, the T was not what it is today. I never read this one, so I don’t know, but it would have made more sense if Helena was at Radcliffe…

    I guess that the moral of the story is that no matter what, a Patman always gets his woman, despite the distance between them, or her protests.

  5. Shoshana says:

    “She reckoned he was handsome, with his unruly black hair and intense eyes. But she wasn’t about to let him know that. Every cowboy she’d ever met already thought he was the biggest toad in the puddle. They were all conceited as blazes. And she’s be crazier than a peeled rattlesnake to get herself involved with any of them.”

    This sounds like it’s directly ripped from Rodgers and Hammerstein’s “Oklahoma”. I directed that show last year, and all the dialogue sounds exactly like this. I kind of want to write a song with these lyrics. I think some theater head should have to sing the words “toad in a puddle” and “crazier than a peeled rattlesnake” at some point in their lives. I’m on it.

  6. Eli says:

    Oh my, is that Hank Patman sporting a porn stache and suede blazer while kissing the hand of Hippie Alice in the lower corner? Ew. I’d rather have Cowboy John. Or the one w/the low riding pants. No wonder Hippie Alice looks repulsed and later threw him over for good ol’ Ned “No Porn Staches Here” Wakefield.

    And…I guess I shouldn’t admit this given everyone else’s posts, but I thought William and Helena’s part of the saga (saglette?) was kinda cute, at least until (spoiler) tragedy strikes and she becomes neurotic.

  7. kiwimusume says:

    From where her eyes are and how he is standing, it looks like he is letting it hang out for her.

    LOL! And her expression looks like she’s coolly evaluating whether it’s big enough, long enough and aesthetically pleasing enough for her to get with. Maybe she’s giving it marks out of ten in each category.

    No wonder Hippie Alice looks repulsed

    Hee, I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought that. It’s like “Ew, Mr Porn Stache is slobbering on my hand!!!”

    Anyone else think Hippie Alice looks like Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

  8. kiwimusume says:

    Or, to continue with the schlong theme, Hippie Alice’s eyes are at about that level too. Maybe she just caught a glimpse of Mr Porn Stache’s unappealing nikubou!

  9. Amber Tan says:

    “is that Hank Patman sporting a porn stache”

    Jimmy strikes again! 😉

    “I’d rather have Cowboy John.”

    Agreed. He looks like he can hang on but good. 😉

    ” to continue with the schlong theme”

    BWAHAHAHA! May I borrow this line, kiwimusume?

  10. AltoidsAddict says:

    When were they in the rodeo? It’s not like women in the rodeo, heavens, even competing in it would have been all that shocking prior to the 1920s. Some of the biggest early bronc-riding stars were female, and Buffalo Bill’s Wild West show poked fun at the weak-woman stereotype by having gender-switching and cross-dressing in some of the more dangerous acts. People loved it and he kept hiring strong women for their skill and women kept riding in the rodeos with nary a peep until some conservative movement got all mad about one of the women accidentally dying. (Which is like banning men from bullriding because of Lane Frost.) Not like rodeo was a big gender-equal lovefest, but early competitive rodeo gave a hell of a lot more respect to female competitors than the PRCA ever did.

    I should be expecting historical accuracy from a Sweet Valley novel? Sigh.

  11. kiwimusume says:

    I think you should know that I finally got around to reading this book, and the moment I picked it up and opened the cover I thought “THE PENIS BOOK!!!!!!”

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