The Patmans of Sweet Valley: All the world’s a stage

Previously on our epic Patman saga…

So Emma Elliott, in 1846, who is Sophie’s daughter, who is now sixteen, wants to be an actress after seeing one play. Her father does not approve but her mother gives her a wad of money and tells her to follow her dream to London. She says that it is because she has too many regrets in life and tells her daughter about almost eloping with Henry Patman.

So Emma changes her name to Vanessa Saxton and tries to get jobs with theater companies in the “big city”. To show she is a naive, stupid woman, and to illustrate to all of us that women who venture out on their own deserve what they get, she goes to an audition “after hours” at a theater company and the guy tries to full on rape her. She runs out the street and uh oh, is basically raped by two thugs on the street. Seriously, women should know better! They need to stay in their place!

Some nice “bobby” rescues her and takes her in the live with him and his family. He is an Irish man named Patrick O’Sullivan, and he embodies every stereotype of an Irishman. I’m surprised they don’t have him walking around with a freaking cauldron of gold coins and a little green hat. And also, let’s talk about the improbabilityof that happening- I hate when that is used as a plot device. In reality, when does anyone just take someone in and care for them? It just happened in Enchanted, it happened in Showgirls, and in countless other movies I can’t think of at the moment. Bobby Patrick is of course in love with Vanessa and she agrees to marry him because hey, he’s there and has a pulse. A little while later she meets Grady Phillips who runs a theater company and after a three-second interaction invites her to join his company and tour the world. They end up falling in love later and getting married. Patrick O’who?

This segment was boring and pointless, and annoyed me because Vanessa’s success was due to incredibly lucky situations and others swooping in and rescuing her, and nothing she does for herself.

What does this tell us about Bruce Patman? He was a flair for the drama? I don’t know.

After this it gets really good, I promise. We get into civil war politics and the underground railroad. For reals.

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17 thoughts on “The Patmans of Sweet Valley: All the world’s a stage

  1. Stacy says:

    “I’m surprised they don’t have him walking around with a freaking cauldron of gold coins and a little green hat.” Again, laugh out loud funny.

    What the hell is that “P” thing on the cover? Is it supposed to be their family crest? It looks like a crappy badge. Also, that cowboy on the cover creeps me out.

    I’ll admit that some of the things I’ve come across have made me want to read the diaries, but as far as the Patman saga goes…your reviews will do just fine. What a bunch of assholes. Tiny speedo.

  2. kiwimusume says:

    If it’s Vanessa, I think what this part says about him is the fact that he got incredibly lucky in life without actually doing anything.

  3. Redstar says:

    When I went home at Thanksgiving I found my SVH books sitting out in a box in my mom’s office!!! (I don’t believe she was reading them, but she did tell me she thought of selling them. NOOOOOOO…..)

    Anyway, I have been having an absolute party by myself reading them over the last week. I know you’ve pointed this out before, but 20 years later, some of the outfits they describe def. seem relevant again. All blousy softness and belts.

    More SVH RECAPS PLEASE!!

  4. James says:

    umm..if i met a damsel in distress in the middle of the night who happens to be gorgeous i’m most definitely taking her in!

    i think most single men would agree.

    i remember reading in one of the old SVH books that the Patmans were proud of their legacy because one of their ancestors was pivotal in helping slaves move along the underground railroad. It’d be neat to see how one could accomplish this from California, since the books allude to the patman presence in sweet valley being several hundred years old

  5. The Kuus says:

    I’m looking more in askance at the damsels who go home with strange men (and the people who write stories sending the message that this is a good idea for girls to do) than the men who take them in. That sounds like a recipe for being killed and turned into a lampshade.

  6. James says:

    Taking in strange beautiful women in the middle of the night probably isnt such a good idea either; their accomplices will make sure you wake up the next day hog tied, stiffed in a closet, with all of your valuables gone. Or so i’ve heard

  7. maybeimamazed02 says:

    Okay, so I just had a horrible day at work, and I came home thinking, “please let there be a new post on The Dairi Burger,” and HERE IT WAS! A Patman post, no less!

    I can’t get over how much sexual assault is in these books. Methinks Francine Pascal/”Kate William” had some issues.

    The only saga I ever read was the twins’ mom’s side, when I was in seventh grade. Of course I lurved it. Because all of the ancestors were a perfect size six, of course!

    Anyway, Ihatewheat, I give thanks (a week late, but it’s the thought that counts, right?) for you and your awesome blog.

    Keep on recappin’!

  8. Onnie says:

    Speaking of Patmans, does this book get into why Roger’s dad and Bruce’s dad had a falling out and Roger never knew he was a Patman until his mom died?!? I was never too clear on that….

  9. Deathy says:

    Speaking of Patmans, does this book get into why Roger’s dad and Bruce’s dad had a falling out and Roger never knew he was a Patman until his mom died?!? I was never too clear on that….

    Unfortunately no, but that would’ve been a very relevant thing to put in there. A lot more interesting than Henry and Marie’s drama.

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