It’s a ho-down, literally, or Super Edition: Spring Fever

Jessica seriously needs a bra.

I kind of like the ones where they travel. And by like I mean are horrified by the way they make every place they travel into a horrid, cliched version of the actual place. This time: the twins tackle the midwest!

It’s Spring Break AGAIN and the gals are off to spend a week with their great aunt and great uncle, The Walkers in Walkersville, Kansas. Their relatives own the fucking place and run everything in it. Their great-uncle is the mayor. It’s basically like the town in Pleasantville, and Jessica is the one that brings color to the people. Or something.

Also, many of the cliches are for southern towns, not midwest, so I think they may have even screwed up in their offensiveness. There’s barns a plenty and five and tens, and a soda shop. Apparently anywhere outside of Southern California also is in a time warp. The gals just think it is adorable, and oooohhh and ahhhh throught their Southern Califorinian entitlement. I this were real life they’d be complaining that there is no In ‘n Out Burgers. Whatevs. The Walkers (their great aunt and uncle, no relation to Cara) are pretty old fashioned and want the girls to act like proper ladies. You and me and everyone else do too. Seriously. Jessica is all pissed at the oppression. They go the carnival and Jess rubs herself over one of the carnies who runs a corral. She sneaks out at night to see him as he teaches her to ride his horse. Of course, after one date, Jess is using the l-word. Seriously, this falling in love business is annoying. The guy, Alex, has a twin brother Brad, who may be perfect for Liz. If you can’t predict how this will turn out, you’re a moron.

Meanwhile, the gals of the town totally hate the twins. Mostly because the Walkers have talked them up so much as sophiticated Californians and the gals feel threatened. Annie Sue Sawyer (what a hick name, ghostwriters) especially hates them. Meanwhile, other gals in town start copying Jessica’s cutting-edge, California fashion sense. Even the chubby girls in town. How dare they! What is Jessica’s cutting-edge fashion? A headband. With rhinestones. Seriously.

The twins works for an afternoon at the soda shop. They milk cows on a farm. Blah blah blah. Jessica is a total brat for disprespecting the Walkers and sneaking out each night. They are so UNREASONABLE to expect her to be in by nine every night. Of course, Liz bends over and takes it and covers for her. Sigh.

Annie Sue sees Jessica with Alex, and blackmails her so she won’t tell the relatives about her hanging out with a “carnie”. She blackmails her by making Jess give her her hideous accessories. In a storyline totally ripped off from Little House on the Prairie, Annie Sue’s Dad buys her the horse that Alex has been training and Jessica has bonded with. Annie Sue insists on riding her and the horse gets out of control, but Jess saves the day by fucking getting on another horse and rescuing Annie Sue from the crazy horse. From then on Annie Sue totally forgives Jessica and admits she hated her because she was jealius. They make up and are bffs. Annie Sue has a party for the twins at her house and there is a big toast to Jessica and she is the hero. The Walkers totally forgive her for sneaking out and acting like a brat the whole week because she saved the day. Note to everyone: STOP VALIDATING JESSICA’S BULLSHIT!

So there is a big town squaredance and the twins want to double-date with Alex and Brad. Their grandparents don’t want them going with boys they don’t know. Jessica declares that this is the worst. thing. that’s. ever. happened. Elizabeth agrees. I know this is early in the series, so they don’t have the gang wars, werewolfs, vampires and killing each others boyfriends while driving while intoxicated. However, Elizabeth discovers theor boyfs secrets! He’s really one person! FUCKING SURPRISE! Did they not realize it the second they also realized they never saw the two together! Alex declares he feels like two people and wanted to get to know both of them. Liz doesn’t tell Jessica so she can remain happy. They all squaredance off into the sunset.

Other stuff:

When they arrive in Walkersville, Liz muses, “this is what I imagined when I read about the pioneers moving West.” Seriously, get a grip. It’s not like they use outhouses and covered wagons. There is life outside Southern California.

Jessica, of course, packs like 10 suitcases, including her new favorite outfit: a jumpsuit with rhinestones all over it. Sweet!

When Liz is hanging out with “Brad”, he tells her he’s never seen the ocean before, but looking into her aqua-blue eyes is like seeing the ocean for the first time. BARF!

I love (aka hate) how when they travel, they use every cliche about the place they travel. What’s next? A trip to Alaska where Liz rescues some abandoned huskies, and three days later wins a dogsled competions, and Jessica falls in love with an “eskimo” and convinces them to decorate their igloos pink?

Grade: B

19 thoughts on “It’s a ho-down, literally, or Super Edition: Spring Fever

  1. Club X says:

    I remember Annie Sue’s boyfriend (Dennis I think his name was??) is staring at Jessica’s jumpsuit at the carnival. He says something like, “Excuse me, um…are those REAL DIAMONDS??”
    Wow…that ghostwriter really wanted to make sure we knew that these people were just a bunch of dumb hicks.

  2. Club X says:

    By the way…thank you for posting something every day…your website really gets me through a long day at work and I love it. 🙂

  3. Ariel says:

    Can you say “The Simple Life”?

    I remember LizJess working at the soda shop. “Liz, these hamburgers are sticking to the stupid grill!” “Flip them over.” Uh, Liz, I think that’s what she was TRYING to do when she found out they were sticking?

  4. Amber says:

    They definitely confused stereotypical Kansas with stereotypical backwoods Arkansas, I think (that “Ar” in the beginning can be just so dang confusing!)

    You should write the book about Alaska, that is a hilarious plotline.

    And THANK YOU for pointing out that they fall in love with every guy they lay eyes on. I know at 16 the whole love-vs-hormones thing is probably confusing, but sheesh!

  5. Magenta Galaxy says:

    You know what would be a good poll (although not really relevant in this book)? Something about Miller’s Point. Is it trashy or hot to go make out in a car overlooking the town while 10 other couples are doing the same thing? And does anyone’s town actually really have a make-out spot like that where multiple people go at once? Always kinda grossed me out…guess I thought of it b/c of your summary about how their aunt and uncle were so strict, and I thought, but in SV, they’re always going off to get busy in BMWs at Millers Point and Ned and Alice never say a thing…

  6. EnidRollins says:

    Magenta: Makeout spots exist if you know where to find out 😉 It’s always in the Homer\Marge dating flashbacks from ‘The Simpsons’…

    Anyway, how did Jessica get SO good at horseback riding in one spring break? Give me a break!!!!!!! It’s like Liz and the surfing competition. And I can’t imagine Jessica milking cows or riding horses even for a boy, because they might get her perfect size-six figure smudged.

  7. Winnie Egbert says:

    Stop validating Jessica’s bullshit indeed!!
    This book totes brought back the summer I was fifteen and stayed in a SD farm town, pop. 70. I was the rad, bell-bottomed Cali chick and the “bad boys” in town who’d “had sex with GIRLS” sought me out and my cousin tried to “rescue” me. They had no idea what a total dork I really was. Never did get taken to the *point* back home.

  8. Heidi says:

    Carnies, ew. Jessica would actually touch one of those sleazebags? Nice ruffles, Jess.

    I seem to remember reading this one and taking offense at their description of life in the midwest — I grew up in Minnesota. Even at age 11 I knew the book was snubbing us farmers. We are not inbred hicks, you asshole ghostwriters.

    I don’t recall any particular make-out point. Most couples just went home I guess, or a boat landing at one of the lakes. Nowhere “communal” comes to mind.

  9. Dwanollah says:

    That jumpsuit should’ve totally gotten “also starring” status in this book.

    I also find it hard to believe that Jessica, of all people, would be so hepped to wear a Grand Ol’ Opry-style square-dancing dress. Liz, totally. Jess? Fuck no!

  10. kiwimusume says:

    The Walkers (their great aunt and uncle, no relation to Cara)

    Don’t you mean “no relation to CORA”? Or had they fixed that spelling mistake in your edition? Cause in the original edition, for reasons best known to the ghostie (especially since A and O are on opposite sides of the keyboard) Cara’s name is spelled “Cora”. Even now I remember WTFing at that.

    And once again, everyone loves the Wakefield twins. Of COURSE the reason all the girls hate them is cause they’re jealous. Because there is no other reason why anyone could hate the Wakefield twats twins.

  11. kiwimusume says:

    Oops, looks like strikethrough doesn’t work on here (or I did it wrong.) “Twats” was supposed to be crossed out.

  12. Winnie Egbert says:

    Heh. No, I think you should strike through the twins bit… I would totes read more about the Wakefield Twats, with their perfect size-16 figures, greasy hair, dead eyes and total inability to make or keep friends due to their bloated sense of self and sociopathic tendencies. In fact, I think I might write my first fanfic about the Wakefield Twats.

  13. NIUiceprincess says:

    I never read this book but i enjoyed the recap. I wonder if one of the producers for The Simple Life was a closet SVH fan years ago…the show came to my mind while I was reading this!

  14. janeprimrose says:

    You totally know the sides of that ruffled dress are open.
    I know Alice supposedly gets mistaken for the twins’ big sister, but Elizabeth really looks like Jessica’s mom on this cover. And… quite a lot wider than a size six… that square white blouse is doing her no favours.

  15. Vanessa Saxton says:

    Okay, I never knew this Super Ed existed!!! I ordered a random lot on ebay and this came with it. I am only on page 17 and it’s horrendous! I also noticed the “Cora Walker” mistake. Love the jumpsuit, though. What’s up with the ghosties obsession with jumpsuits?

  16. Olivia says:

    I’m from Kansas and when I first read this book I was really offended. As I recall when they were getting ready for the aware dance at the end of the book one of the twins say that they would like to wear a gingham dress and Annie Sue said something along the lines of ” you can have one of mine, every Kansas girl has at least 3″ I remember going WTF? For the record I have never owned or even worn a gingham dress or even heard of a square dance happening anywhere near where I live.

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