Douchebag of the Month

The SVH I’m currently reading has another “reader of the month” submission and I totally had to share it. I googled the person who wrote it and she is a former college soccer player and a graduate of Columbia Teacher’s College. Thank god another victim of SVH has moved on and made something of herself. Therefore, I’m not going to use her last name here. That’s something Jessica would do.

I sigh with happiness, close my novel, and put it in my bookcase. My name is Kari _____, and I have just finished a Sweet Valley High book.

My whole family has become used to this process, because I’m a big fan of the series. In fact, I’m known for buying a Sweet Valley book at the mall and finishing it before I get home! [Known for it? Known around where?]

You must think me a terrible bookworm. [No, I am actually thinking you are something else….]

Actually, I have a lot of interests. I love to dance, act, baby-sit and write, and also like to play basketball and volleyball. I don’t really look like a bookworm either- I have blue eyes and light brown, curly hair. [Really? What does a bookworm look like? Anything over a size 6?]

I guess the reason I love Sweet Valley High so much is that I grew up with them. My mom purchased two for my friend’s birthday, but I begged her to let me keep them if I promised to by my friend something else! When I tried the books, they were so good, I’d stay up late, wanting to read more! Kate William is a super writer, and she has a very good perception of high school students- so good a writer that I have not missed one of her books. And that is why, even if I don’t win this contest, Sweet Valley will be tops with me.

Oh, poor misguided child. Even thinking Kate William is a real person. I think they printed this essay to keep up the illusion that she’s real.

Also, you should try reading this out loud as a dramatic reading. I think I am going to use it as a monologue for my next acting class.

17 thoughts on “Douchebag of the Month

  1. Shannon River says:

    LOL!!! You totally should read this at an acting class. That would be hilarious!

    Ok. But I have to play dumb for a minute here.
    So Kate William is just a name that all the ghost writers used? Why do books use ghost writers in the first place? And why does Francine get this great credit just for “creating” the series?

    It’s all very baffling to my little naive head.

  2. Abby says:

    Ha, like that letter impressed Francine. Everyone knows having brown hair is a one way ticket to sidekick land. And plain blue eyes? Not blue green or blue violet? Lame.

  3. Kate says:

    And the really depressing thing is I totally remember that essay, and even which book it was in: wasn’t it the beauty contest one?

    The part I always liked was finishing the book before she got home. How, pray tell, did she manage that? I always tripped and fell when I tried to read and walk at the same time.

  4. ihatewheat says:

    yes, it’s from Miss Teen Sweet Valley, a total train wreck of a book.

    My family used to have mall outings (I grew up on Long Island) and I would get a Sleepover Friends book and finish it while I waited for my Mom to shop at JC Penny’s.

  5. kiwimusume says:

    Also love all the totally irrelevant information – woo, she loves to dance, act and babysit (can anyone guess what other series she’s addicted to?) and she has blue eyes and curly brown hair!!!!

    The bit about not looking like a bookworm totally fits the attitude of Sweet Valley. In Sweet Valley, if you like something nerdy like reading then you must be fat, plain (or downright fug) and dress like a nerd, complete with glasses (cause glasses are nerdy, dontcha know!) and pocket protector, and spend all your Friday and Saturday nights holed up in your room reading (which is of course far worse than snorting cocaine off Bruce Patman’s ass or cockteasing college guys.) Unless, of course, you are Elizabeth Wakefield. And then you are either somebody’s sidekick for the entire series, or else Elizabeth/Pervy Collins/both go into Little House mode and totally revamp your life and you suddenly realise that what you REALLY want to do is be in Pi Beta Alpha, because the only way to be worth anything is to belong to Pi Beta Alpha (even Elizabeth belongs to Pi Beta Alpha!) So you get a full makeover, including slimming down to a perfect size six over the weekend and switching to contacts cause they’re sooooooo much cooler than dorky old glasses, and you suddenly blossom into a total babe despite your previous plainness/fugness, and you never touch another book again, cause books are for nerds, dontcha know! And, because the only important thing in life is having a hot boyfriend, you show up to school with your hot new look and personality and instantly land yourself THE hottest guy in school (apart from the Wakefield twins’ boyfriends, because nobody is hotter than them), possibly Pervy Collins, and the two of you ride off into the sunset.

  6. Jessa Fields says:

    Re: Kate William — yes, she’s more than one person, and I’ve actually talked to a couple of them! Long story short, I used to work as a journalist and at one point I decided I was going to write an article about Sweet Valley and what it was like to be a ghost writer for the series. (And, along the lines of this website, learn once and for all what the rationale was for half these plotlines.) So I tracked down a couple of the writers.

    And one is Elieen Gouge, who you can read about here:

    Allegedly, Tom Perotta was another, but I’ve yet to find proof of that. (Although he’s suspicously well-versed in the series in “Election”.)

    Anyway, I interviewed both of them in early September 2001. Suffice it to say, something happened that month that made the world less than interested in my “Sweet Valley High” expose.

    I don’t know where I put the interview transcripts; for the life of me I can barely remember anything the two of them had to say. Hopefully I remembered to ask whether they, too, were a perfect size six. If I find the transcripts I’ll share them here.

  7. ladyjaye says:

    I was trying to figure out why the name Eileen Goudge sounded so familiar, but since I used to work in a library, I thought maybe her adult books would ring a bell… Nope.

    What I remember her for (unknowingly) is that series of teen romance novels (called Seniors and Super Seniors). They came out in French here in Quebec, by the same publisher as the local French distributor of Archie, DC and Marvel comic books. They were popular when I was a tween and in my early teens, so I remember being in junior high and reading them.

  8. Amy Slutton says:

    I’m surprised she mentioned she has curly hair. Isn’t curly hair something that is relegated to the “nerdy” Sweet Valley charaters? Enid Rollins, Caroline Pearce, Olivia Davidson…

  9. Rio says:

    “I sigh with happiness, close my novel, and put it in my bookcase.”

    Christ. Has she been taking essay-writing lessons from Elizabeth Wakefield? And how often is a novel enough to elicit a sigh of happiness? That girl needs to take that pole out of her ass and replace it with —

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