Oh great. Another one about fucking cheerleading. Apparently these gals get into motorcycle accidents often because they are always forgetting the way they act. I am glad that I just read#10 recently for a compare/contrast.
I also want to say that I like the pic of the twins on top of these later miniseries ones, I think they actually looks pretty. But, of course, the pics on the main cover look nothing like that. Continuity errors are kind of a theme though.
Yes, that’s Ken Matthews that Jessica is kissing. And he is a hot commodity in this book. They actually ran out of guys to dry hump, so they got back to Ken. And the title totally gives away the ending, because Jessica quits at the last chapter. But I am getting ahead of myself.
So after the Jeremy Randall fiasco, Jessica is feeling mistrustful of love, until she realizes she has feelings for Ken. Weird! You can be friends with a boy before dating him!
Heather Mallone moves to town, and she is totally the Regina George of SVH. She’s super gorge, and everyone falls all over her. Jessica hates her on sight. Mostly because she is jealous. Thanks for perpetuating this mean-girl mentality. Everyone is all up in Heather and the boys in the school actually pant over her. Literally. I really don’t blame Heather for being a total beotch right back to Jessica, because Jessica is hate-worthy. If they had made friends right at the start, they’d be bffs and doing lines of coke off Bruce Patman’s crotch together. But Heather is a total asshole. She points out how much fat is in Jessica’s lunch. oooo, burn!
Heather was also a cheerleader at her old school, and so good that the squad, with the exception of Jessica, decide they want her on the team. Uh, don’t they have a process? Anyone can walk on? Can someone please get these girls an adult to coach them and supervise them?
So Jessica, being Jessica, decides to put Heather through a series of tests to see if she’s “fit” to be a cheerleader. Um, HAZING? ADULT SUPERVISION, PLEASE? One is to be seen talking to the chess club. Heather does it and has no qualms about it. Jessica is miffed. She makes Heather wear a hideous outfit to school, consisting of patchwork overalls and an orange cowboy hat. Everyone ooohs and aaahhhs over her, claiming that grunge is so in right now. [Checked the publish date. 1994. Yup, that sounds about right]. Finally, Jessica makes Heather sing the national anthem during homeroom. She does and makes it jazzy and rappy. Whatever that means. HAH! I love seeing Jessica defeated. Everyone, inclusing Lila, seems to love Heather.
Suddenly, Robin Wilson learns that she has to move away to Denver. Everyone is all sad and Robin is crying over missing all her best friends on the team. Robin, are you really that upset? Are these really your friends? Amy throws a going away party for her and Heather arrives and flirts with Ken Matthews. Jessica accidentally on purpose pushes her in the pool. Yea, that’s an original storyline.
For real, Jessica is a sociopath. And not in the she-s just such a bitch way, but in the actual clinical way. I know she may have secretly always hated Robin, but her first thought was when she heard Robin was moving away was, good, I get to be the sole captain of the team, and her second thought was great, I get to buy a new sexy dress for Robin’s going away party. Jeez. So the gals on the team totally drank Heather’s Kool-Aid, and automatically make Heather the other co-captain.
Now, Heather starts beating Jessica at her own game. I have to say, it makes me like Heather, even if she is supposed to be the enemy. She keeps showing up Jessica at practice and showing the gals cooler moves that are more dance-y hip-hoppy than Jessica’s stuff. Jessica is sick for a meeting and kicks Maria Santinelli and Jean West off the team. Heather also institutes a new diet, which consists of:
You can start with one half a grapefruit for breakfast and a big glass of water. For lunch you can have any kind of vegetables you want as long as you don’t put anything on them. You can even eat rice with your vegetables as long as it’s brown rice. For dinner you can have a salad, but you have to use lemon juice for your dressing. Oh, and in the afternoon, you can have a piece of fruit OR a carrot stick.”
Uh, how many girls followed that diet after reading this? And subsequently started growing fine hair all over their bodies and stopped mentruating?
Woops, I gotta back up. So Ken and Jessica are totally hot and heavy. Problem Liz is SUPER JEALOUS because she once had a fling with Ken. We are told it was when Todd moved back to Vermont for a short time. Wasn’t that say…a hundred books or so ago? AND WE NEVER HEARD ABOUT IT??? And what about Jeffrey French? Did he just never exist!! ARRRGGHHHH continuity! Liz acts like a complete and total douchebag. Even worse that Jessica would. She mopes around and is totally rude to Todd, and tries to bring Jessica down and convinces her to be mistrustful of Todd. When Jessica is getting ready for her date with Ken, Liz tells her she looks fat. Nice. Real nice.
Apparently Ken and Liz would spend hours talking about books and movies. Ken? Ken Matthews? The same one who hated cultural stuff and only liked football? And were totally in love. Although, Ken seems to be in love with Jessica because he takes her to the Box Tree Cafe (natch) and makes a picnic for her with brie cheese. Who the fuck does that? If someone did that for me now, at my age, I’d laugh at them. But maybe that’s just me, and you could charm your way into my pants in about five minutes by talking about obscure British comedies. But I digress.
At the end, Jessica finds out about Liz and Ken because she finds a framed picture of Ken and Liz doing those stupid carnival photo booth things. And is peeved. Plus, Heather pulls the last straw at the big game by leading the girls in a cheer that Jessica never learned, leaving her lookin stupid. So Jessica quits and huffs off the field, thus fullfilling the title of the book. So really, the titles gave away what happens in the last chapter, so that was pretty dumb.
I also want to point out that Heather moves to town, joins the squad, Robin learns she is moving away, actually then moves away, and Jessica quits…all in the span of a week.
Oh, you can bet I’ll continue this miniseries. Seriously, caring about cheerleading issues is at the top if my list.
When Heather is announced as cocaptain, guys call out “Babe-ormama! What a dish!” Seriously, Francine. Have you ever actually heard teenagers talk?
Lila actually gives Jess a pep talk and tells her that Jessica is better than all this crap, and that Lila is on her side. Aw, see, Lila does come through sometimes.
Can Annie Whitman please run up to Jessica and say NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS, BITCH!
Poll: who is the blame? Jessica or Heather? Who is a more annoying couple? Jessica and Ken, Liz and Ken, or Liz and Todd?