The one where Jessica gets a taste of her own medicine or #112 Jessica Quits the squad

Oh great. Another one about fucking cheerleading. Apparently these gals get into motorcycle accidents often because they are always forgetting the way they act. I am glad that I just read#10 recently for a compare/contrast.

I also want to say that I like the pic of the twins on top of these later miniseries ones, I think they actually looks pretty. But, of course, the pics on the main cover look nothing like that. Continuity errors are kind of a theme though.

Yes, that’s Ken Matthews that Jessica is kissing. And he is a hot commodity in this book. They actually ran out of guys to dry hump, so they got back to Ken. And the title totally gives away the ending, because Jessica quits at the last chapter. But I am getting ahead of myself.

So after the Jeremy Randall fiasco, Jessica is feeling mistrustful of love, until she realizes she has feelings for Ken. Weird! You can be friends with a boy before dating him!

Heather Mallone moves to town, and she is totally the Regina George of SVH. She’s super gorge, and everyone falls all over her. Jessica hates her on sight. Mostly because she is jealous. Thanks for perpetuating this mean-girl mentality. Everyone is all up in Heather and the boys in the school actually pant over her. Literally. I really don’t blame Heather for being a total beotch right back to Jessica, because Jessica is hate-worthy. If they had made friends right at the start, they’d be bffs and doing lines of coke off Bruce Patman’s crotch together. But Heather is a total asshole. She points out how much fat is in Jessica’s lunch. oooo, burn!

Heather was also a cheerleader at her old school, and so good that the squad, with the exception of Jessica, decide they want her on the team. Uh, don’t they have a process? Anyone can walk on? Can someone please get these girls an adult to coach them and supervise them?

So Jessica, being Jessica, decides to put Heather through a series of tests to see if she’s “fit” to be a cheerleader. Um, HAZING? ADULT SUPERVISION, PLEASE? One is to be seen talking to the chess club. Heather does it and has no qualms about it. Jessica is miffed. She makes Heather wear a hideous outfit to school, consisting of patchwork overalls and an orange cowboy hat. Everyone ooohs and aaahhhs over her, claiming that grunge is so in right now. [Checked the publish date. 1994. Yup, that sounds about right]. Finally, Jessica makes Heather sing the national anthem during homeroom. She does and makes it jazzy and rappy. Whatever that means. HAH! I love seeing Jessica defeated. Everyone, inclusing Lila, seems to love Heather.

Suddenly, Robin Wilson learns that she has to move away to Denver. Everyone is all sad and Robin is crying over missing all her best friends on the team. Robin, are you really that upset? Are these really your friends? Amy throws a going away party for her and Heather arrives and flirts with Ken Matthews. Jessica accidentally on purpose pushes her in the pool. Yea, that’s an original storyline.

For real, Jessica is a sociopath. And not in the she-s just such a bitch way, but in the actual clinical way. I know she may have secretly always hated Robin, but her first thought was when she heard Robin was moving away was, good, I get to be the sole captain of the team, and her second thought was great, I get to buy a new sexy dress for Robin’s going away party. Jeez. So the gals on the team totally drank Heather’s Kool-Aid, and automatically make Heather the other co-captain.

Now, Heather starts beating Jessica at her own game. I have to say, it makes me like Heather, even if she is supposed to be the enemy. She keeps showing up Jessica at practice and showing the gals cooler moves that are more dance-y hip-hoppy than Jessica’s stuff. Jessica is sick for a meeting and kicks Maria Santinelli and Jean West off the team. Heather also institutes a new diet, which consists of:

You can start with one half a grapefruit for breakfast and a big glass of water. For lunch you can have any kind of vegetables you want as long as you don’t put anything on them. You can even eat rice with your vegetables as long as it’s brown rice. For dinner you can have a salad, but you have to use lemon juice for your dressing. Oh, and in the afternoon, you can have a piece of fruit OR a carrot stick.”

Uh, how many girls followed that diet after reading this? And subsequently started growing fine hair all over their bodies and stopped mentruating?

Woops, I gotta back up. So Ken and Jessica are totally hot and heavy. Problem Liz is SUPER JEALOUS because she once had a fling with Ken. We are told it was when Todd moved back to Vermont for a short time. Wasn’t that say…a hundred books or so ago? AND WE NEVER HEARD ABOUT IT??? And what about Jeffrey French? Did he just never exist!! ARRRGGHHHH continuity! Liz acts like a complete and total douchebag. Even worse that Jessica would. She mopes around and is totally rude to Todd, and tries to bring Jessica down and convinces her to be mistrustful of Todd. When Jessica is getting ready for her date with Ken, Liz tells her she looks fat. Nice. Real nice.

Apparently Ken and Liz would spend hours talking about books and movies. Ken? Ken Matthews? The same one who hated cultural stuff and only liked football? And were totally in love. Although, Ken seems to be in love with Jessica because he takes her to the Box Tree Cafe (natch) and makes a picnic for her with brie cheese. Who the fuck does that? If someone did that for me now, at my age, I’d laugh at them. But maybe that’s just me, and you could charm your way into my pants in about five minutes by talking about obscure British comedies. But I digress.

At the end, Jessica finds out about Liz and Ken because she finds a framed picture of Ken and Liz doing those stupid carnival photo booth things. And is peeved. Plus, Heather pulls the last straw at the big game by leading the girls in a cheer that Jessica never learned, leaving her lookin stupid. So Jessica quits and huffs off the field, thus fullfilling the title of the book. So really, the titles gave away what happens in the last chapter, so that was pretty dumb.

I also want to point out that Heather moves to town, joins the squad, Robin learns she is moving away, actually then moves away, and Jessica quits…all in the span of a week.

Oh, you can bet I’ll continue this miniseries. Seriously, caring about cheerleading issues is at the top if my list.

Other thoughts:

When Heather is announced as cocaptain, guys call out “Babe-ormama! What a dish!” Seriously, Francine. Have you ever actually heard teenagers talk?
Lila actually gives Jess a pep talk and tells her that Jessica is better than all this crap, and that Lila is on her side. Aw, see, Lila does come through sometimes.

Can Annie Whitman please run up to Jessica and say NOW YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS, BITCH!

Grade: A-

Poll: who is the blame? Jessica or Heather? Who is a more annoying couple? Jessica and Ken, Liz and Ken, or Liz and Todd?

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34 thoughts on “The one where Jessica gets a taste of her own medicine or #112 Jessica Quits the squad

  1. Shannon River says:

    Wow. First of all, even though their faces are squashed together for a kiss, those two actually resemble high school students!

    And second of all, I always hated the new illustration of the twins at the top of these books. Good grief, who approved those drawings?

    I never read this one! Thanks for reviewing it.

  2. Shannon River says:

    LOL. I just reread the post again. Yee Haw! I wanted to laugh at the “She’s a dish” line too. That’s freaking hilarious.
    And continuity errors always bother the total heck out of me too.

    Frankly, in a way, I think Liz with any man is annoying. And we may as well be stereotypical all the way and say that the (ex) captain of the cheerleaders and star football player should be together. Why think out of the box?

  3. Duck says:

    Liz and Jessica are a pretty annoying couple. In a way.
    Jessica, however, seemed less annoying than ever with Ken. Liz should just become an old maid and never speak to another man again.

  4. Magenta Galaxy says:

    In my mind, in the history of the world of YA novels, there has never been, and may never be, a more annoying couple than Liz and Todd.

    As for the Liz/Ken thing, wasn’t that in one of Elizabeth’s Secret Diaries? I’m 99% sure it was, but I don’t remember which one. Kinda shocking that they tie this storyline in again, since SV is not exactly all about the continuity.

    I would think if you ate Heather’s diet, you’d weigh about 16 pounds. There’s no protein in it to help build muscle for cheerleading. What a stupid food list.

  5. kiwimusume says:

    You know what I love about those tests Jessica gave Heather? As I think Robin pointed out, Jessica would flat out fail them if she had to do them. I mean, JESSICA testing someone to check that they’re not superficial? XD Hello pot, meet kettle.

    As for the polls…when I first read the series, I totally sympathised with Jessica, but now I’m totally loving seeing Jessica get outdone. And I love that her usual bitch tactics are completely falling flat. Bitch has met her match! But on the other hand, Heather’s diet is somewhat disturbing, and her kicking out Sandra and Maria is kinda on the cheertator side. So, they’re both bitches!

    In my mind, in the history of the world of YA novels, there has never been, and may never be, a more annoying couple than Liz and Todd.

    Amen!

    It’s like whenever they want to give Liz a plotline so that the readers don’t forget there are TWO size-six Mary Sues with sunstreaked blonde hair and eyes the colour of the ocean, but Elizabeth is too boring and saintly to actually DO anything, they have her have ANOTHER fight with Todd. Get some new ideas for plot filler, already!

  6. Sandy says:

    Heather’s diet is so dumb. I used to hate how they constantly ate fries, burgers, and ice cream at the Dairi Burger though, and stayed in such great shape, though. And “what a dish” as a cat-call at Heather? WTF???????

  7. grace says:

    Yup, Liz and Ken made lovey eyes at each other in one of Elizabeth’s Secret Diaries. Of course nothing was mentioned about it at the time because the diaries came out way after when they were supposed to be taking place (I think each secret diary spanned 10 or 20 earlier books).

    In one of Jessica’s secret diaries, she starts up a long distance romance with Todd while he’s in Vermont and he even comes to Sweet Valley just to see HER, not see Liz. Seriously, diaries are awesome. But only awesome in a SVH kind of way.

    Worst couple? Mr. Collins and Liz. Wait, that wasn’t an option?…

  8. Deathy says:

    Poll: who is the blame? Jessica or Heather? Who is a more annoying couple? Jessica and Ken, Liz and Ken, or Liz and Todd?

    Liz and Todd will always top that poll. ^_^

  9. Heidi says:

    Jessica is a psychiatrist’s wet dream. Mr. Collins, time for a career change?

    As for the couple, without a doubt it’s Liz and Todd. Although I missed when Jessica and Ken got back together?? What a cliche.

  10. greer says:

    Thanks so much for linking my blog! I never read Sweet Valley as a kid–just some twins books, Elizabeth’s Diary, and one from the “modeling” trilogy–but your blog makes me seriously consider starting.

  11. Winnie Egbert says:

    *** In my mind, in the history of the world of YA novels, there has never been, and may never be, a more annoying couple than Liz and Todd. ***

    Oh, SNAP!!! Kiwimusume nailed it : the ghostwriters all just use Liz and Todd fighting as a secondary (and very weak) plot device. Ugh! What do they even like about each other if they can’t go five minutes without bitching and breaking up?

    It’s nice to see Jessica taken down a peg, but it would be nicer if it was courtesy of one of her innocent victims – Olivia or Robin or Annie, for instance.

  12. Merrie says:

    I so wanted a boyfriend like Todd — WHEN I WAS 12! Now I cringe when i remember how I thought he was perfect. Not that some of the guys I dated in high school were much better. 🙂

    Annoying couple = Liz and Todd.

    Mainly because I flipped through SVH Super Special “Special Christmas” at the library this weekend. Todd is visiting from Vermont and prior to his arrival, talking to Liz on the phone, he says “I’m going to hug you so hard.”

    Yeah, because 16-year-old boys actually talk that way.

  13. Kate says:

    “The Heather Malone Diet”- love it, Rosemary Conley wouldn’t stand a chance!

    I too quite like the pic of the twins at the top- she may be a complete headf**k, but Jess looks the prettier one (and of course that’s the most important thing…)

    I really really really really want to read this one- might have a scout round Amazon asap…

  14. Abby says:

    The first time I read this book, I really disliked Heather, and sympathized with Jessica. In all fairness, I was 11. However, while it’s funny that she stuck it to Jessica, she was also a pretty big bitch. I just hated it how any girl who didn’t love the twins (with the exception of Lila, who always got to rag on them) was always the bad guy. Like, god forbid someone not like them who’s not a raging bitch with some evil agenda.

    Also, Ken Matthews acted totally gay in this book.

  15. nichole says:

    “So the gals on the team totally drank Heather’s Kool-Aid, and automatically make Heather the other co-captain.” Loved that line – had me laughing out loud at work. Luckily everyone else is at lunch. I never read this one, but I always hated the books where the cheerleaders were the main plot point. I was just annoyed by the whole “cheerleaders are the prettiest, most popular girls” at SVH thing.

    Liz and anybody is the most annoying. I remember one of the books where she was dating Jeffrey and he complemented her on her scent/perfume and she was like, its just good old-fashioned soap. Which apparently, made Jeffrey love her even more???

  16. Amy says:

    Gah. The illustration of the twins at the top is insane. They look like they’re…plotting. Also, 1994 baby Spice wants her hair back.

    Heh, I remember this diet. I tried it for one day before giving in to a Regina George “Whatever. I’m getting cheese fries” style failure.

  17. onnie says:

    Man oh man – i have been so busy lately, that when you finally got to this book, i missed your review!!! i looooved this book! and don’t you know it! and all those SVH boys were losers – well, all of them except winston – he is funny and nice and great personality…not a douche like the rest of them. jessica missed out when she had the chance. her loss!

  18. KittenWhitman says:

    Blech, I hate the cover twins’ greasy bangs and limp, stringy ‘dos. Do you think Jim painted those? I miss the circle covers!
    And right after the “what a dish” comment in the Dairi Burger, Jessica brings the attention back on her by “booth dancing”. The fuck…?

  19. Cara Walker says:

    Yeah, the booth dancing cracked me up, too. WTF??? Francine/GW has the worst sense of what teenagers would consider cool. Btw – Jess ids the most narcisistic biatch ever! Always has to have the attention on her.

    • Deitra says:

      Oh my god you are so right,I’m rereading this book again and I must say that Jessica is a total egotistical little biotch,who literally thinks the world revolves around her.I like Heather ,she was an interesting character even if she was set up to be a bitch,at least she took Jessica down a few pegs and as for Todd and Elizabeth = zzzzzzzzz,and I hate how Elizabeth doesn’t even make even the smallest effort to dress up on a date. The one part that really stood out was when the writer was describing Jessica’s blouse how it looked like it was from the sixties and Heather compliments her by saying it was retro and stupid Jessica gets upset,”Since when was trendy a compliment”.I don’t know what planet you live on Jessica,but trendy always been a compliment

  20. RollingStone says:

    If all the cheerleaders have to be on a starvation diet like that, then THANK GOD Robin’s moving! Considering her anorexia in #74, I’m surprised that she’s still alive by #112!

  21. Mindy says:

    Actually Heather kicks off Maria and Sandy (not Jean west). I actually kind of like Heather’s character, only because its so annoying to watch Jess always get what she wants.

  22. Karla Keffer says:

    Heather’s diet is so dumb

    Word, Sandy. Why doesn’t Heather just tell the cheerleaders to stick to cocaine and marathon sex? That would be much more fun (and nutritious, wink wink, nudge nudge).

  23. PrincessL says:

    i read this cheerleading series when i was on holiday aged 11, they were some of the first sweet valley books i read (id read 2 or 3 previously i think), anyway i LOVED it – embarassing to admit now but i did.
    really i liked any of the books which contained cheerleading, i had a bit of a fascination with it (ironically i eventually became a cheerleader in my later teens haha)

    i liked heather – even tho she was meant to be the bitch – but i couldnt decide who i was rooting for throughout the book, her or jessica.

    i agree the baborama-what a dish line was incredibly gay, no real teenage boys would ever say that, surely not even in the 90’s ??

  24. Deitra says:

    I actually have this one and I’m ashamed to say it,I got it last year when I was 22 it was free att he library and let’s just say I love free books,Jessica’s an idiot and Elizabeth annoys the crap out of me,I actually like when new people outshine the twins

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