Todd is from Mars and Liz is from Venus, or #78 The Dating Game

Suddenly, all these other SVH students come out of the woodwork that we’ve never heard of before. Scott Trost, Danny something, Zach something, all football players. You’d think Jessica would have dry humped them all by now. I think the enrollment of SVH just tripled. Why haven’t we heard of them before? Especially since so many of them are on the football team???? Why am I still under the assumption SVH storylines are logical?????

Sigh. Here we go. Jessica is having reocurring dreams about some guy named Jackson who lives in Hawaii and feels she is meant to be with him. Gross thing is, she tells her parents all about it. I still can’t talk to my mother about boys, and I am 30. Alice agrees that if she can earn the money to go to Hawaii, she can go and look for this guy. In order to make money, she offers up her services as a dream interpreter. So we spend a lot of time hearing about the cheerleaders dumb dreams. Befoe you call Alice a bad mother, she probably figures out that Jessica won’t end up making the money. Somehow I am hoping that this guy Jackson actually turns out to be Jackson Ripner.

Meanwhile Liz tried to be all investigative reporter and is doing a feature for the Oracle on what attracts men. Yes, you heard that correctly. Mr. Collins, can you please do you job correctly and put a stop to this? So she makes up a survey to give out. The other suggest that a picture of she and Todd go with the article because they are “the perfect couple”. We are on book 78- shall we tally up the fights and indescretions? Nothing I love more than heterosexism and validation about a social contruct. Liz claimes that guys only go for looks, while women look for deeper reasons. Todd disagrees and writes a letter anonymously claiming that both women are equally shallow. Viva La equal rights.

That’s really the secondary storyline, because there is an inane plot about Jean West and Claire Middleton (the gal who tried out for the football team- don’t actually know if that worked out). They both go one Saturday night without a date and suddenly they are old maids. They both get the same cheesy love letter from Scott Trost, the quarterback, who we’ve barely heard of until now. They both realize they’ve been two-timed, but instead of confronting him, they play along with his game. Finally, when they confront him about it, he decides that there should be a contest between them about who is a better dater and the prize is him. They plan to go along with it and when he announces the winner at a fucking school assembly they will both turn him down. Although somehow, Jean still has the hots for him. They go on several cliches dates, so the ever fancy Box Tree Cafe and mini-golfing. Yes, there is nothing hotter than some manipulation and oppression. So Scott explaines that he only asked out both of them because there was pressure from his teammates to be macho. That only makes Jean want him more. They fall in love. The end.

Meanwhile, Claire really loves Danny Porter. I don’t know what happened with that, the whole plot of this book is so fucked up, like the ghostwriter wasn’t even trying. Seriously, nothing made sense.

Meanwhile Jessica won’t shut up about her dream, and even her father wants her to shut up. She goes in to business as a dream interpreter. It turns out that her dream was only because she saw a magazine ad about Hawaii. I think that storyline was for comedy. I’m not sure.

Other thoughts:

Jeez, these kids are so date-y. As in the guys wear suits and they go out to dinner. Did sixteen year olds EVER do this? You see this a lot in 80s teen movies too. Maybe I am just jaded, because nowadays sixteen year olds have orgies in their finished basements.

Check out this nugget of feminism from Jessica: “If you think about it, when someone asks you out, it means you’ve won a competition , with all the other girls he could have asked out. We’re competing all the time!”

Another great quote: “It’s just that I don’t know what people do who don’t go out do on Saturday nights. Are there special shows on television for them, or something like that?” Yes, Jessica, it’s called Battlestar Galactica, and it’s fucking amazing.

And now it’s time for a new segment I like to call When Todd Says Things That Make Him Sound Gay. You’d be surprised, it happens a lot: [about Scott Trost]

“He’s a hard worker, and also a terrific team player.” He winked. “And even you can’t deny that he’s attractive”.

What’s with the wink, Todd? Are you trying to tell us something?

My grade: D-

Today’s poll: isn’t the Gossip Girl show a piece of shit? I wanted to give it a try to perhaps be one of my guilty pleasures, and thought it would be more sardonic, like Mean Girls. The books are for the generation that came after me, but I assumed they were like SVH. I mean, in the first episode alone, there was a character who attempted to sexually assauly two girls. Please make this go off my television.

p.s. Since I had a great response to my Sleepover Friends post, I am thinking of recapping some other series on here. I just had my parents ship me a whole carton of my books from when I was a kid/teenager. Don’t worry, I am still loyal to our aqua-eyed. sun-streaked twins.

21 thoughts on “Todd is from Mars and Liz is from Venus, or #78 The Dating Game

  1. Caroline says:

    I also loved the Sleepover Friends recap. All I remember from that series is that they would prank call boys and make coke floats. Ewww, coke floats at midnight? How were their parents allowing this every weekend? Speaking of other series, does anyone else remember Cranberry Cousins or Merivale Mall? I recently re-read one of my Merivale Mall books (to my husband, no less), and I have to say that the “lessons” from that series were maybe even worse than the ones in SVH.

  2. kiwimusume says:

    Ack, how is this not in the Thriftbooks order I’ve got coming? Maybe that was one of the few books they were out of…

    Hee, you know Mr Collins gave Liz a TON of help with that article…

    when he announces the winner at a fucking school assembly

    Why does this stuff no longer surprise me?

    And oh wow. Poor Todd. He’s so desperate to not get written out of the books that he’s hiding in the closet. XD

  3. Magenta Galaxy says:

    I remember the part where Claire and Jean go shopping together for their dates, and LITTLE DO THEY KNOW that they are shopping for a date with the same guy!!!!!!!! omg!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, it was weird that neither of them thought to ask right away exactly who the other was going out with, they just referred to him as “my date” or something.

  4. Diane says:

    “Yes, Jessica, it’s called Battlestar Galactica, and it’s fucking amazing.”

    BSG!!!!!! Much better than getting felt up at the Beach Disco by misogynist football players!

  5. Jennifer says:

    At our school, if you weren’t a steady couple, there were no “dates”. That was only for the prom, or maybe the Christmas formal. I can’t imagine trying to find a date for every single party every single weekend. Maybe that SVH dating stuff is what makes Jess a psychopath (but I doubt it). I am reading #56, Lost at Sea and praying that she gets eaten by a shark.

  6. Winnie Egbert says:

    Almost all of the dates I went on in jr high and high school were about as lame as Elizabeth and Jeffrey French’s dates, with guys who usually turned out later to be gay… hey!!!

  7. Stellanova says:

    Oh God, this was one of the most illogical of these ridiculous books (which is saying something). What crappy sort of revenge plan involves being made a fool of by the sleazy “victim”? So stupid! As was the introduction of the never-seen-before classmates.

    Fabulous site, by the way. I have long meant to do something similar myself but only ever got as far as The Patmans of Sweet Valley and the equally crazed Fowlers of Sweet Valley. I must do the Wakefields saga some time, as it’s possibly the maddest of all – after the one in which the Wakefields and Lila and Enid go to a health spa and discover they have been lured there by a crazed doctor who is obsessed with Alice and plans to STEAL HER FACE. What with that and werewolf trilogy, the later SVH books really were demented.

  8. Heidi says:

    Stellanova, I just ran across that particular piece of shit in a thrift store and talked myself into buying it since it was only a quarter and I’d never even heard of it before (along with Jessica Takes Manhattan [actually readable] and Falling for Lucas [beyond horrible]). I couldn’t believe how awful it was. BTW, if anyone wants them, I’d be happy to get rid of them.

    I do love the sagas though. According to The Fowlers of Sweet Valley, Lila was two years old in 1975. Awful specific for Sweet Valley.

  9. olivia says:

    I never understood the whole premise of getting dressed up and going on datey-dates all the time, either. The closest we got to “dates” in high school (if you weren’t part of a serious couple) were group trips to the movies/a party/other place of amusement. And no one ever wore anything except jeans. Maybe cargo pants.

    I guess I just had a deprived childhood, according to Jess. Oh, the humanity.

  10. Sparkle Pants says:

    See, I like Gossip Girl so far. But I’m also in love with Kristen Bell and Blake Lively. What makes the show even better are the TWoP recaps. Of course, TWoP recaps make every show better.

  11. ladyjaye says:

    Heh, how about Teen Witch? Ever read those? I had a couple of books (no longer do, unfortunately) that I bought back in grade 8 or so. We used to get the Scholastic catalog in our English class, and those were among the books I bought (or rather that my parents bought).

  12. katie says:

    Elizabeth really that annoyed me in that book. She says that guys are shallow…well so is she. Hasn’t all the guys she dated were goodlooking? Looks are usually the first thing she notices too. And Jess…god.

    Claire looked rele pretty in the cover.

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