ode to Sweet Valley

In some of the books, there is a “reader of the month” section where readers send in essays kissing Francine’s ass and they publish them. This one was in the back of one of the current one I am reading, and it had to be shared. This was written by Robbenmarie _____ of New Jersey. I hope she does not do a google search of herself, because I feel bad for making fun of her, but really, she put herself out there, so all’s fair I guess. Anyway, she wrote a poem, and I wish I wrote it myself.

Tell me a place where the romance is hot:
Where the parties never stop:
Where I can find so many gorgeous guys.
And identical twins with blue-green eyes;
Where sports cars are fiery red,
A Saturday night without a date
Is cause for dread!
Still haven’t guessed?
I’ll tell you on the sly,
I’m talking about Sweet Valley High!
It’s so fun to read;
It has all the dating tips you need!
In the end, the good guys always win,
With a little help from the Wakefield twins.
If you are looking for fun, the come on!
We’ll go to Beach Disco
And hear the Droids play their newest song.
Don’t get hurt
When Jessica decides to flirt with your guy;
But Elizabeth’s there
And on Jessica she’ll keep a close eye.
Come along if you choose;
This is Sweet Valley High
You’ve got nothing to lose!

Yea, well, there it is. I hope Robbenmarie has kept this poem to justify the hours of therapy she will need as an adult. And also, her rhyming pattern isn’t consistent. And there is some awkward passive voice in there. I think Mr. Collins would write a red “see me after class” on this one. Maybe the droids could set this to music.

Edited to add: thanks to Erin, we learned that Robbenmarie is actually a practicing lawyer. I took out her last name at the top to save her the humiliation and a possible libel suit. But congrats on being a lawyer! See, SVH didn’t ruin her life like it did to mine.

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12 thoughts on “ode to Sweet Valley

  1. Shannon River says:

    Or perhaps Mr. Collins should write in a glittery red pen “Please come to my house tonight so we can discuss this paper and what we can do to improve it.”

  2. kiwimusume says:

    Dammit, Shannon, you beat me to it!

    And wow, I forgot about those! I hope there’s a bunch of them in the stash I’m getting shipped from America. Which book was the poem in? *hopes it’s in my stash, if it’s not I’ll be adding it to my next stash just for the comedy value*

  3. Erin says:

    So I googled the chick that wrote this and she is a lawyer now. Ha ha ha. Hope her writing has improved. Or else there’s some really funny legal documents out there.

  4. Dwanollah says:

    [i]Don’t get hurt
    When Jessica decides to flirt with your guy;
    But Elizabeth’s there
    And on Jessica she’ll keep a close eye.[/i]

    *sporfle* Poor Robbenmarie, esq. We all have our SVH burdens to bear.

  5. Magpie says:

    SVH has good dating tips? That’s news to me. But then again, I guess if you reverse everything the characters ever do, you might be on the right track…

  6. Amber Tan says:

    ” if you reverse everything the characters ever do, you might be on the right track…”

    Yeah, Magpie — kinda like opposite day on steroids! 😉

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