The one where yet again no boy can resist Jessica or #107 Jessica’s Secret Love

Jessica’s guy looks like an insurance salesman.

Wow, I gess after the whole getting chased by lunatic werewolves, I guess plots that matter are hard to come by. This was written by a 12 year old. Sigh. Another book where Jessica is validated simply for being a skinny blonde. So the twins are home from a stint in London and are at the beach, and some guy hits Jessica on the head with a frisbee! He come over to apologize and BAM! within three seconds they decide they are soul mates. Maybe I am just too old and cynical to buy this. So they make out after saying 2 words to each other. Then the guy runs off and says he can’t be with Jessica. After this encounter Jessica decides that Mystery Beach Man is the most. important. man. she’s ever. met. She claims to care for him more than she did for Sam, the alleged love of her life that Elizabeth killed when she was driving drunk. Who boy. So Jessica mopes around and Liz totally enables her.

So if you are still awake to be involved in this plot, Sue Gibbons is Alice’s friend’s daughter who is coming to Sweet Valley to get married. And she’s eighteen. And her mom just died so she decides what better to share her wedding joy with than complete strangers. And the Wakefields are totally the Ingalls here. In case you don’t have the intelligence of at least a first-grader, I don’t have to tell you that Sue’s fiance turns out to be the beach guy. And his name is Jeremy Randall, and he’s twenty-three. And works for a nature non-profit in nyc. Okay, so I am sure he finds some hot blonde teenager while visiting CA and decides that she is the love of her life, rather than some girl he wants to bone. We further learn why J & J are menat for each other: they both like the same engagement ring, they both want a wedding on the beach, and their names begin with the same letter. Yes, for real.

Sigh. What else? Jess convinces Bruce to take her to the same restaurant Jeremy and Sue are at and to pretend to be her date so make Jeremy jealous. She tricks Jeremy into taking him in to going to Miller’s Point (what a cock tease). Oh, and Lila falls in Lurve with Jeremy’s friend Robby who pretends to be rich to pretend to impress Lila, but in fact he is bone broke and then Lila’ all conflicted about it.

Jess somehow tricks Jeremy into trying on his tux and then she puts on Sue’s wedding dress and that’s when they realize they were really meant to be. There is some sobbing and ego-stroking galore.

The whole werewolves in London thing happened right before this, and Liz is traumatized because she fell for a serial killer. So she starts going crazy with self-help books and attending “Primal Woman” seminars. During the seminar Liz picks a new name, which is Runs-with-the-Wind. She suggests the name She-Who-Shops-A-Lot for Jessica. See? Once every few hundred books there is something REMOTELY funny.

Jessica’s outfit choices for her fake date with Bruce: white palazzo pants, sheer babydoll dress over leggings, or a fitted coral suit. Hawt. She ends up wearing a silk aquamarine dress with an elastic back holding the bodice in place, with a matching bolero jacket piped in white. SWEET! I think I wore that at my Bat Mitzvah.

Oh, it magically happens to be summer again. Love how the time warp continuum works in Sweet Valley.

Sue Gibbons is annoying. She supposedly works for an environmental group but is quite shallow and materialistic. Liz is all condescending and points that out, and for once I have to agree with her.

Aother thing: when Jessica raids Elizabeth’s closet, she chooses the dress that Elizabeth wore to the jungle prom. THE ONE THAT SHE WAS WEARING WHEN SHE KILLED JESSICA’S BOYFRIEND. And she doesn’t bat an eyelash. ghostwriters, get a grip! Copy Editor, get on your game!

Also, this whole love thing was insulting. They really throw around the word too much. I can understand that Jeremy and Jessica may want to fool around with each other, but this whole true love thing in ridiculous. And he’s twenty-three, so ew.

You know what? Bruce Patman was eerily charming in this book. He agrees to pose as Jessica’s date then kind of makes fun of her and makes her pay for his dinner. It’s a sad sick world when Bruce is the character I am enjoying.

Grade: F (I would go lower if I could)

This mini-series drags on for like another four books, and I don’t know if I can bear it. Just by reading the backs it looks as if Jeremy is faking with Jessica to somehow get Sue’s inheritance, and I don’t understand the logic of that and quite frankly I don’t care.

Also, didn’t the Wakefields have a dog? Did something happen to it or is it lazy writing?

On deck: the Pom Pom wars, some AJ Morgan action, Annie Whitman slutfest, Club X, Steven Wakefield drama….

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31 thoughts on “The one where yet again no boy can resist Jessica or #107 Jessica’s Secret Love

  1. Magenta Galaxy says:

    Hmmm…Prince Albert supposedly runs away after the earthquake, so perhaps at this point they are just seriously neglecting him?

    I always loved/hated this miniseries. It is horrendously written, and absurd, but it’s bad to the point that it’s almost fun. I can just see my dad if I announced I was marrying a 23 year old when I was 16. He’d have the cops arresting the dude faster than you can say “statuory rape.”

  2. Merrie says:

    This book was “written” (if you can call it that) years after I gace up on the series, which was around the time Poor Formerly Deaf Regina Heroically Died from cocaine, but managed to say a lot of final words before lapsing into a coma. I’m curious to know how Sweet Vally life continued in my absence. Vehicular homicide, warewolves, Bradu still being friends with the Wakefield despite attempting to rape them (seriously, does he now hang out with any seniors?), earthquakes, Olivia dying by refrigerator, a bear on an island … Thank you so much for letting me know what I missed! Awesome recap, as usual.

  3. Club X says:

    The whole Robbie thing bugged me. Supposedly in the beginning of the miniseries they were best friends (i.e. best man at the damn wedding) and then Robbie admits that he doesn’t really know him that well at all. Quite the con artist, that Jeremy.
    Plus, the whole Robbie/Lila relationship was annoying. I like Lila but those two together made me sick. There’s one part when they’re discussing what they’re going to do for dinner and Robbie says “How about some roast Lila with barbecue sauce”, then tries to bite her. How nauseating.

  4. Al says:

    I’m pretty sure Robbie also goes from being 20 in the first of these books, to 18 shortly thereafter, to disappearing to “art school” sometime in the future. He’s quite the mystery man…

  5. Al says:

    They never actually break up for good (they break up a couple times and get back together during this miniseries), but you hear nothing about him once this miniseries is over until maybe the camp miniseries. I think that’s where there’s an off-hand mention of Robbie going to art school. I don’t think he’s mentioned at all in the miniseries in between (I could be wrong though).

  6. kiwimusume says:

    This is one of the few miniseries that I just could not get into at all. IMO it went on for several books more than it should have.

    There’s one part when they’re discussing what they’re going to do for dinner and Robbie says “How about some roast Lila with barbecue sauce”, then tries to bite her.

    I only read this book once, prior to several years of reading Cosmo, and now that line makes me think of kinky sex where they lick barbecue sauce off each other…

  7. katee says:

    Prince Albert was the dog right?

    Even in middle school I thought that was the most pretentious name for a dog.

    Couldn’t the ghostwriters come up with a better name?

  8. Kellie says:

    Particularly since Prince Albert now has another meaning. That was just a bad name all round.

    I remember when I first read this book as a 13 yr old… I thought it was so intense and passionate. Lolz.

  9. Tara says:

    Ha I’ve just finished the book that comes after this, but I don’t have any others in the mini-series. How did it basically all turn out?

  10. Sandy says:

    Jessica stops Sue and Jeremy’s wedding during the ceremony and a few days later, Jeremy proposes to Jessica, who says yes. He’s 23, she’s 16…yeah, that’ll work well. Anyway, turns out Sue had a large inheritance from her mom that she wouldn’t get if she stayed with Jeremy, so now she’s going to get it since they broke up. And, it turns out that Sue and Jeremy plotted the whole thing. Jeremy fake-kidnaps Sue to try to get money out of the Wakefields for ransom, and then they plan to run off with the ransom and the inheritance that returned to Sue. Then Liz figures the whole thing out, and they use Jessica to try to get Sue’s inheritance back (because no one is mad at Sue even after she admits her role in all of this), and Jeremy tries to kill Jessica in a fire. But of course, all turns out well for Sue and the Wakefields.

    I remember clearly a fabulous scene where Robbie, Todd and Lila think the Wakefields are being held hostage (while Sue is kidnapped) and instead of calling the cops, they dress up as workers from the power company to get inside the house. Hi-Larious!!!

  11. Sandy says:

    It’s a seriously horrendous yet funny miniseries…plus it stretches out so long (7 or 8 books, I think?) Jeremy is SUCH a sleezebag. The Wakefields are hilariously inept and stupid. Jessica almost sleeps with Jeremy, which means there is some fabulously pedophile-like talk from Jeremy and a funny scene where she takes Lila to help her pick lingerie. So many classic SV moments…

  12. Club X says:

    My first thought when I got to the end of that miniseries was “WHY??” And I don’t just mean why did they write it. Why the hell did Jeremy & Sue come up with such a weird, drawn out plan to get the inheritence back?? I understand they had to prove that they broke up but did they have to fly all the way to California to do it???? And it all hinged on them knowing for DAMN SURE that Jessica would speak up instead of forever holding her peace at the wedding?? Oh, and one of the best parts is when Sue explains the whole sick plot to Jessica and she says that Jeremy knew Jessica would do what she did…..because….he knows her SO WELL from reading old letters that Alice sent to Sue’s mom?? Huh???!!
    Sorry for over punctuating but this one really makes my head spin.

  13. Jo says:

    Oh. My. God. I didn’t think I’d read this one until:
    “I remember clearly a fabulous scene where Robbie, Todd and Lila think the Wakefields are being held hostage (while Sue is kidnapped) and instead of calling the cops, they dress up as workers from the power company to get inside the house. Hi-Larious!!!”

    I remember that. Lila in overalls. Wow, memory blast.

    Love the site by the way! Am spending a hungover Sunday reading ALL of the SVH recaps and annoying my friends over MSN by sending them extracts of the funniest bits, of which there are many.

    These books were deeply weird – parallel universe style, almost. What a wonderful consequence-free place SV is.

  14. Janelle says:

    So, I know it’s been forever since this one was reviewed, but I just read it myself and noticed a difference. My copy says that the dress Jessica borrows is the one that Liz wore to Enid’s sweet sixteen party- not the jungle prom- maybe they changed it in a second printing or something?! I haven’t read the rest of the mini-series yet (not since I was 13 anyway…) but the back of the next one says that Sue comes down with some deadly disease which made me just about die laughing!

  15. Sonnie says:

    I use to instantly fall in love with boys after the first 3 seconds. But that was before I was born. My score on this book. Ghey!

  16. notemily says:

    Oh dude, I remember Jeremy Randall. Doesn’t he turn out to be TOTALLY EVIL and maybe living under a fake name? I loved these later “miniseries” books for some reason.

  17. Anonymous says:

    It was actually Liz’s dress from Enid’s sweet sixteen party where she had her motor bike accident and it ended up ripped and covered in blood but I guess reviewers speed read these books. Still pretty gross. I actually liked Robbie and Lila together, they were quite cute and he was a challenge for her materislitism. Sue was really annoying. I thought she was fake even before I knew about the inheritance plot. And yes if I did go out with a 23 year old at 16, my parents would have him charged with pedophilia. Gross

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