Firstly, I love the way people find their way here through internet searches.
Here are the most popular searches that have gotten people here:
- Jessica boobs
- touching boobs
- Amy Wilkins (some fanfic maybe?)
- bulimia tips
Nice, guys. Nice.
This one comes right after the whole Jeffrey French hoopla. Jessica is getting all pissypants after maybe one or two people mistake her for Liz. She is wearing Liz’s peach sweater knit dress (ew) so what should she expect? She feels she doesn’t have her own identity (I could call her some things that could give her an identity) so what better to solve this than…A MAKEOVER! Makeovers give her a sense of control in a world of chaos. Luckily, Lila’s Dad just recently tried to buy his daughter’s respect by bringing her back tons of stuff from Paris. I am surprised she lets Jess borrow it.
So Jessica’s makeover consists of:
- dying her hair black
- appearing paler
- losing more weight to be “gaunt” (those exact words)
- speaking in a “slightly” British accent (wtf?)
- reading European fashion magazines
- sipping capuccinos at Sweet Valley’s Eurotrash coffeeshop
- renaming herself “Jessa Fields”
Of COURSE she makes a splash at SVH. I hate how Jessica always gets so much attention, it totally validates her borderline behavior. And the kids of SVH (all 5 of them) canNOT stop talking about Jessica. In fact, the day she shows up in school with her new look, “girls were jumping up to surround Jessica, touching her hair, walking around her to inspect her outfit, exclaiming excitedly”. Fucking please. And Ms. Dalton totally allows it.
One of the best.covers. ever!
Liz is rocking the Mom jeans. And the goddamn barettes, again. This is the sad part- Jessica’s outfit is kind of what people are wearing lately. In fact, I am a lil ashamed to say I wore something similar yesterday, A Blazer over a tunic with a chunky beaded necklace. Don’t worry, I’ll burn it. The belt over the shirt is even “back in”, as they say. I still don’t like it, I can’t stand clothes that defy functional purposes. And the hair would look good if it weren’t for those awwwwful bangs. I hate how it makes the wave over the forehead. It’s almost a little Donald Trump-esque.
Also, the one disappointing this is that SVH never really detailed outfits, which was my favorite part of most YA novels (I had a field day with Claud and Stacy’s outfits from the Baby-Sitters Club, and loved Sam’s stupid Mickey-Mouse boxes, suspenders, and red cowboy boot ensembles in Sunset Island) but here we get full descriptions!
- “She had tied her hair back in a lose ponytail, and a few tendrils curled in wisps at her cheeks [I hate this look. Very Laura Ingalls Wilder]. Her eyes were drakened with lavish makeup- definately sultrier than her usual look. White powder helped achieve the ethereal , pale effect she was striving for….she was wearing an olive green leather skirt with a slit up the back. The skirt was so straight it was hard to walk. Matching hose with a lacy pattern and three-inch heels…a silky, oversized blouse and green leather belt worn on her hips…a chunky necklace and big gold earrings” ICK! So matchy-matchy!
- “a black silk jumpsuit [cameltoe central] and red high-heeled boots…a red scarf completed the look…along with oversized earrings that Elizabeth thought were a but much for everyday.”
- “a new outfit from Lisette’s [where else?]…a white, really slim-cut skirt that that was several inches longer than what she usually wore, with a white sweater with sequins on it. A white beret completed the look”. [I think this was the outfit I wore to my sixth grade class photo].
Liz gets really upset because she loves being a twin…I guess she forgot all the times Jessica fucks her over and stole her boyfriends. Liz even thinks Jeffrey likes Jessica’s new look and they have a dumb fight and Jessica even tries to make a move. Blah.
How many books does modeling have to be a central plot point? So everyone obvs tells Jess she should be a model so she goes to a photographer who tells her about a gig in the local dept store, but then they see Liz and they’re all, THAT’s what we want, a gorgeous, perfect size six California blonde with silky blonde hair and blue-green eyes. Well, not in those words, but you know what I mean. So finally Jess drops her look so she could be in the show, and then the twins BOTH get to be in the show! Yay! Happy ending! The moral is, beauty is more than skin deep. And by that I mean, you should always base your appearance on what a model casting agent tells you.
I was feeling very listy today!
Jess uses shampoo-in black dye that supposedly washes out after 2 washings. Uh, wouldn’t that rub off everywhere? And does that mean she didn’t wash her hair throughout the whole book?
Jessica thinks her new look makes her look “slightly Eastern”. Does she mean Eastern European? Middle Eastern? Wtf?
Oh, there’s a subplot where Liz thinks she loses her diary. Snoozefest 2007.
When complaining about her chores to Cara, she assumes Cara does the dishes and her brother takes out the trash. Obvs, how dare we go outside the gender norms.
Mr. Collins recognizes the peach dress that Jessica is wearing as the one that Liz wore a couple days ago. Why in the hell does he remember that? Dirty old man.
Jessica’s white outfit, the whole thing, cost $67. I know there’s inflation, but I thought Lisette’s was high-end fashion, not a loosely veiled version of Mandee.
Fun fact: the twins’ grandmother has a PhD in history. Random.
Also, I just realized that this book contained no school dance/picnic/auction/big game/danceathon! Omg! How did they survive?
Grade: A + +
Today’s poll: was there ever an outfit from tv/movie/books that you tried to emulate? Many of you know that I rocked the Brenda Walsh bangs through much of high school and college. I also was OBSESSED with the outfit MaryAnne Spier wore to the dance with Logan- the skirt with pictures of the Eiffel Tower and the words “London” and “Paris” and whatnot. I wanted one so bad, so my mom bought me some E.J. Gitano version of it. I can’t believe I admitted that.