The one where someone actually allows Jessica near their children or #101 The Boyfriend War

Seriously, did it really take a 100 books to use this title? I feel like it could be the title of every SVH book.

Ow wow, Jessica and Lila are brutal! First of all, it is nice to see that Jessica has completely forgot about when some crazy lookalike tried to murder her sister and several of her boyfriends died horrible, gruesome deaths. Well, who wouldn’t? it’s Spring Break! WOOO HOOOO!!!! Jessica is bragging to everyone that Lila invited her on a trip to the Carribean to her Uncle’s resort. It totally sounds like its a Sandals resort, which on my list of places to go on vacation, would be my absolute last place to go. Well, second last. Disneyworld is my last.

Liz is staying home working on a school project, because she is a fucking nerd. Todd is away with his parents, so for this book we get a break from his doucheyness. Olivia and Enid are in town, so the nerd brigade goes daily to see old classic movies. Okay, I have to admit, I can’t make fun because I actually wish my friends were organized enough to have a somewhat cool activity like that. But these gals are sixteen, it seems a bit off.

Alice, on the other hand, got offered a consulting job (aren’t all interior designers consultants? I mean, they don’t just keep redesigning the same place over and over again. Anyway.) with Henry Wilson Patman in Chicago, so she is off to there (no doubt filling her days with eating deep dish pizza and seeing the Sears Tower) Bruce has his speedo in knots because his parents are fighting and he suspects that Alice W. and Hanky are having an affair. He’s not upset about his parents, he’s upset that it breaks the perfect image of his family. Omg, that is like sooooo Bruce.

So Elizabeth’s school project is doing some research and a report on a family members life. She is reseacing her mother, because Alice is so fascinating! And successful! And blonde! And this! And could be the twins’ older sister! She finds a wedding picture of Alice and Hank and suspects that they were once married and confirms her suspicions about the affair.

Meanwhile, Jess and Lila arrive at Club Paradise, and Jessica finds that they are to be counselors for the week at the Kiddie Kabana, and Lila tricked her into coming to do it. That was pretty fucking mean of Lila, so she and Lila stop talking. [Why does Lila have to do this? Can’t she get out of working? Doesn’t make sense at all.] Jessica is in charge of seven kids, and they all have names and personalities but honestly I just skimmed because I personally dislike children, and what is this a Baby-Sitters Club book? For real. Anyway, they are unruly, and I honestly can’t blame them because their parents are taking a vacation to an island resort and don’t want to spend time with them. However, Jessica is horrible to them and calls them brats to their faces and yells at them to shut up. Yeesh. They also embarass her when she does her morning perfance (don’t ask).

Of course, she is totally judgemental about the other couselors. They are not pretty enough to hang out with and one of them – OH MY GOD – is overweight. ick! How do they let her walk around in public? Apparently, the only person worthy of being her friend is Lila, but they are still ot speaking and Lila totally has control over her kids. We get a pov from Julia (the chub) and of course she is in awe of Jessica and Lila and the only thing to boost her self-worth is to gain acceptance from them.

So starting with this book, I think they totally overhauled the ghost writing team, because this almost seems like a different book. I am not saying the themes and characters get any better, but for some reason the writing is…a bit snarkier. But the plots get more and more ludicrous, so that’s always fun.

Meanwhile, there is a beefcake windsurfing instructor at the resort named Mick and he is apparetly the most.gorgeous,guy.ever. He is described is being tall and lean, broad shoulders, and incredible tan, and hair that shone like silk. Here’s the first thought that popped into my mind when picturing him: a teenage Fabio. Complete with the accent. So of course all Jessica has to do is flick her hair and put on a skimpy bikini and he runs up to her and professes his love. This, ladies and gentlemen, is why these ruined my childhood. I of course believed that I just had to wait around for a guy to randomly profess his love for me, and it was unecessary to be proactive or show anything about my personality. Unfortnately, my extra llbs and Brenda Walsh bangs didn’t invite this much, so I was a bit crushed.

Mick professes his love to Jessica after 5 minutes on their cheesy date. He speaks in stupid cliches and puns. He is a total ass and Jessica falls for it. Meanwhile, he is also professing his love to Lila. Mick is a alsoa dick and conceited. He’s literally all, “Aren’t I your type? Do you go for tal, attractive guys with great bodies and long, sexy hair?” and “Our kids would be gorgeous and blond, because we are gorgeous and blond”. Gross.

They STILL fall for it, and one day meet each other on the beach and play a game of chicken with Mick and another guy from the club, and they beat the shit out of each other. Hence the cover:

Uh, I presume the guy on the left is Mick. EEEEWWWW he’s got a bowl cut and is wearing bike shorts. Lila looks purty, and I want to smack Jessica, which Lila does. Hard.

So finally, they find out about his two-timing and make up so they can scheme. Turns out Mick is also dating about 6 other girls at the time, including Julia and omg HOW DUMB of her to think that a guy like Mick could like a chub. Take that lesson home, folks. They get back at him at the camp talent show and use him in their magic act, and chop of his prized locks and dye it purple. Don’t tease the queens of all teases, folks!

We end with Liz imgining Alice and Hank getting married, and she and Jess becoming Bruce’s stepsisters. Now THAT is a book I’d want to read.

Other thoughts:

I hate Jessica. Just so you know.

Amy Sutton wants to be a pain in the ass and borrow Elizabeth’s great great grndmother for her own project- the bitch who was in the circus. We totally get reference to the Sweet Valley Saga, where we hear about all the perfect, size six blonde ancestors of the twins.

Finally, after about 95 books, Bruce acknowledges the amnesia incident:

Bruce had never liked Elizabeth Wakefield- in fact, he thought of her as one of the most uptight, sanctimonius kids at schoo. [I’d actually have to agree with Bruce there.] Actually, he reminded himself, there was that one time, early in the school year. Elzabeth had amnesia and her defenses were down. Bruce had tried to take advantage of her- what guy wouldn’t?

WTF? Way to excuse yourself from your behavior. Yea, any guy would have probably tried to rape her, so he was just doing what any guy would do, so he is not at fault.

Grade: B+

Poll: If you could have SVH do a crossover with other dumb YA series, what would it be? I’d like to see a Sunset Island crossover series, where Jessica and Samantha would dress is hideously slutty 80s outfits and fight over the members of Flirting With Danger. And Liz and Carrie can nerd out together. And Lila and Emma can play “who’s richer?” I should start writing fanfiction. Or not.

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22 thoughts on “The one where someone actually allows Jessica near their children or #101 The Boyfriend War

  1. Magenta Galaxy says:

    I just discovered your blog and loved every minute of catching up on the old entries!

    I am so glad you hate Todd too…the only thing I hate more than Todd is Todd and Elizabeth. Booooooooring! Sixteen year olds don’t act like that in reality. No one does. What a tool!

    I never really read any other YA series (I read Baby-Sitters Club books, but those aren’t really YA). I’m not sure SVH could get much dumber, even if you did a cross-over. I loved the books in my adolescent years, but I love seeing how awful they are now that I’m an adult.

  2. Shannon River says:

    Sunset Island!
    I need to send you a bill for my therapy. Honestly. LOL

    Man… I remember how in SI Samantha started designing clothes, but she couldn’t SEW so she had to use a lot of safety pins and shit. Wow.

    Anyways, I think you are right about the ghost writers… these later books DEFINITELY had a different vibe to them.

    How the hell did Pascal get credit for these books? I don’t understand this. “I’m going to create a fabulous series, make lots of money, have my name on the titles, but I’m not going to write ONE DAMN WORD!”

    *confused*

  3. nichole says:

    Excellent post – its nice to see what happened after I stopped reading the series. If I had to do a cross-over it would be with the series “All That Glitters”. It was a bout a blond teenage soap actress who lived in New York. I could totally see her (I don’t remember her name, I do remember she had a younger sister – not blond – named Jewel) and her sister switching places with the twins for a week and living each others lives.

  4. Kate says:

    I love this blog. I get all the benefit of reading the books with snarky commentary!

    I didn’t read too many other YA series. I did read a couple of the Ocean City series where these characters share a house and work at the beach for the summer. Elizabeth and Kate can be all self righteous, Jessica can flirt with the token bad boy, and Lila can get a smack down by Grace and Charlotte.

    Plus there will be all the required arguing over with coast is better and blah blah blah.

  5. kiwimusume says:

    Hee, I forgot about this book – I remember the marimba bit, though. I remember when Lila took marimba lessons earlier in the series for reasons I’m not really sure of, everyone was all, WTF!! MARIMBA LOL!!! but in this book she totally pwned Jessica with it.

    My personal favourite in kid-related pwnage, though, is #123, the first of the camping books. Elizabeth is all, I’m so smart and understanding of other people and good at solving problems so I’m going to be the perfect counselor lalalala, then when they get to camp Jessica’s kids are little angels who think the sun shines out of her ass, while Elizabeth’s kids are little brats who call her Dizzy Lizzie and embarrass her in front of the whole camp with their badassness. Ha!

    The Julia chapter! SO MUCH HATE! You KNOW she wouldn’t so much be in awe of Jessica’s perfect size six figure and blonde hair as “OMFG, can someone fucking kill this snotty bitch, already?!” And probably also “Hahaha, she can’t control her kids!!! Serves her right!!!” Stupid Francine.

    As for the YA series crossover…defo Replica. Maybe the reason the Wakefield twins are good at everything they do (as well as being identical) is cause they were built in a lab! Come to that, one of the Replica books had this process that took away the clones’ emotions, so that could be why the twins never grieve for long when one of their multitude of boyfriends dies, or turn into basket cases after someone tries to kill them for the 3487654378564387th time, while the death of their brother’s girlfriend turns him into a wreck and gives him wicked issues for a much more natural length of time.

  6. Merrie says:

    OMG, not only to I get a recap of probably the “greatest book ever!”, but you mention Sunset Island and someone else mentions All That Glitters. I so loved both of those series and think they are the ideal crossover. Then again, any of the Fear Street books or Christopher Pike stories would be interesting, too.

  7. Heidi says:

    I like the Christopher Pike idea. Then the stupid twins could really get drunk and some hot cock action instead of just being felt up. I started reading the Pike books when I noticed they drank, smoked, swore, and had sex. The Fear Street books were too goody-goody uptight (unlike SVH).

  8. Winnie Egbert says:

    OMG I forgot about the Christopher Pike books! I used to sortof hide when I read those and the VC Andrews books because there was so much dirty dirty sex.

    Would be great to see some of the SVH peeps get their comeuppance through convoluted plots of faked and real deaths. Then again, they never seemed to learn much through all the kidnappings and Margo and everything else, so whatevs…

  9. Shannon River says:

    About a possible Sunset Island blog… that would be pretty neat! I would totally love it if you did it.
    Or maybe just do a couple of your “favorite” books here and there, take a little break from Sweet Valley, home of the sociopaths. 🙂

    Samstyles. Cringe.

  10. Deathy says:

    I just found your blog. I’m reminded why I love these books so much. ^_^ The addition of the romance cover for this one really makes me laugh. I remember when me and my best friend were kids we’d walk to the bookstore to buy the latest svh and fear street books we’d wander around the romance section and find books with pictures of our favorite couples on the covers. ^_^ I even bought one because it looked like Bruce and Liz on the cover.

  11. BurtonFanatic says:

    “They get back at him at the camp talent show and use him in their magic act, and chop of his prized locks and dye it purple.
    Purple hair? Actually sounds kind of… HAWT!

    “Amy Sutton wants to be a pain in the ass and borrow Elizabeth’s great great grandmother for her own project”…
    This makes me hate Amy Sutton…
    “The Wakefields’ ancestors are so much better than ANY of my ancestors! All my ancestors were *gasp* brunettes and *double gasp* size 10!”
    BITCH PLEASE! GET OVER THE WAKEFIELDS ALREADY!

    I only read the BSC and Sweet Valley, so I’d have to combine those 2…
    Dawn, Stacey, Jess and Liz in a winner-take-all cage match.
    I’d love to see those 4 battle it out.
    However, Stacey and Dawn would be too busy babysitting so that’d narrow it down to the Wakefield twins… and we all know that Jess is such a sociopath that she’d take out her sister no problem.
    I wonder if Jess would try to steal Mary Ann’s b/f.
    Kristy Thompson would be out of luck in SVH… a brunette tomboy? Then again, her step-daddy is a millionaire…

  12. Naomi says:

    This is a really weird suggestion, but I’ve been into the zombie fic–so what if SVH was overrun with zombies and students were being zombified left, right, and centre. Jessica would be happy every time a girl was zombified because she would think ‘great, now the bitch is dead I get all her clothes’. And Jessica would only worry about being zombified because it would mean she would have an insaitable hunger for human flesh, which we all know is FATTENING.

  13. Bec! says:

    Elizabeth often cheated on her boyfriends, although every time it was said to be uncharacteristic of her, despite the number of times it actually occurred.-Wikipedia

    Also, Jess is so ugly. Why the heck does everyone thinks she’s pretty?

  14. Vanessa Saxton says:

    I love the references to the Saga. I never understood why there is a wedding picture of Alice and Hank. The wedding never happened so how could a picture surface? She left the ceremony before it started, therefore no picture would have been taken (they seem “traditional” in the sense that they wouldn’t see each other before the ceremony). And who the hell does pictures with each other beforehand?

  15. Elizabeth says:

    Not only does Franny P. make us think that a girl with a figure that’s bigger than size 6 is revolting. She never mentions other body types. For instance, I’m small for my age and was called a midget in HS. Why does everyone have to be 5’8″ and perfect? Can’t they be small and cute too? Way to ruin 99.9% of the teens out there who once read these books. Boy to me in high school in SVH world. “Hi, Elizabeth. You’re cute, but frankly I could never date a walking blow job. Wait…on second thought.”

  16. katie says:

    I hate how Jess is trying to steal other people’s boyfriends/crush….what an insecure bitch. I loved how the kids treated her like shit.

    Mick..urgh! So conceited and self-absorbed. If a guy says stuff like that to me, I’d shave his balls off.

    Oh yeah, if you’re beautiful, all the guys would love to take an advantage of you -_-

  17. notemily says:

    I must have read this book, because I recognize the cover, but I didn’t remember the plot AT ALL. Just Lila and how hott she looks in that green swimsuit.

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