The one where cheaters always win, or #27 Lovestruck


Ken doesn’t really look that Lovestruck. In fact, he looks annoyed. Maybe it’s his wavy hair. Or hint of some man-teats.

Oh, it’s tough being a popular jock. All the pressure of being the star quarterback. It can really make high school pretty tough. Ken is dating Suzanne Hanlon. Suze is rich of course, and is uber-sophisticated. You know why? She likes “films” not movies. She also goes to art shows and poetry readings. She hangs out with people who wear black berets. Ken lurves her and pretends to like what she likes. Mostly he just hangs out with her with a blank expression on his face. It’s rully entertaining. Suze’s sophisticated friends hate on Ken for being a jock, but deep down that really hurts Ken. Yea, jocks really have it tough, especially during high school. Cry me a river, Mathews.

Ken goes to Suzanne’s house for dinner, and of course it’s a huge deal with maids serving trout and a butler waiting on them hand and foot. It’s very Upstairs, Downstairs. I’ll bet a hundred bucks the maid was wearing one of those white aprons. Suzeanne’s dad talks about how stupid football is of course and inside that makes Ken MAD! He wants to show everyone that playing football is respectable. Excuse me while I don’t give a fuck.

So, also, Ken is in danger of failing English. If he fails, he can’t play in the big game against Palasades High. And everyone is counting on him! It’s so hard being Ken! The only thing that will help him pass if he complete’s Mr. Collins assignment, to write a short story. I’m not one to defend Ken, but having high school juniors write a good short story is pretty tough. Nonetheless, he totally procrastinates and Suzanne keeps asking him to do stuff and he doesn’t want to refuse because he lurves her.

So this is the kicker. Elizabeth hears that Ken is having trouble so she is all “I should call him and offer my help cuz I’m rully good at English.” BUTT OUT! Gawd, she is so condescending. Ken’s all, uh, ok. Which pretty much sums up his personality. She shows him a short story she wrote and shows him how she created an outline and notes for the story. Which, I hate to say, is a pretty smart thing to do. At the last moment, Ken chokes and can’t write his story. So…wait for it…he submits Liz’s story as his own.

So everyone makes a big deal and actually they want to publish the story in the Centenniel Edition of The Oracle (cuz Sweet Valley is celebrating its centenniel. Woo-fucking hoo.) Liz just takes it and doesn’t put up much fuss. Asshole. She shouldn’t have shoved her way into the situation either. She confronts ken and he’s all, uh, okay. At the last minute Ken write a story about how a high school student is having trouble and cheats on an exam. See what he did there? He admitted what he did without actually admitting it. How Ernest Hemingway of him.

Ok, so Chrome Dome and the football coach call him in and are all, you cheated and anyone else who did it would get expelled, but Mr. Collins is all, I’ll give you a C for the course so you’ll still pass and can play in the big game. WTF? Why is he let off so easy? He wins the big game and everyone metaphorically sucks his cock. Suzanne is all, let’s get out of here football’s boring and he’s all, fuck off Suzanne if you hate football I can’t date you. The moral is: be yourself. And if you are popular and good-looking enough, you can get away with anything.

Stupid subplot: Jessica is in charge of planning the Centenniel picnic and drives everyone crazy in the process. She forgets to order the food and makes about five thousand pbj sandwhiches. It’s a total success anyway and she gets tons of praise. So the moral of this story is: if you are beautiful, it doesn’t matter if you fuck up. Great.

Ok, maybe there was a bit of humor in the book. Jessica keeps getting Lila to do tedious tasks for the picnic by telling her she’s the co-chair and giving her other fake titles. Lila totally goes for it. I didn’t say ha ha funny, I meant amusing funny.

Other thoughts:

Holy shit, it was painful to read stuff from Ken’s perspective. He is fucking boring moron. When he talks about Suzanne, he’s all “ooooo, she’s so pretty, I like her soooooo much.” Yes, that is the way that sixteen year old boys talk about girls.

Suzanne gives Ken some classical music to listen to and he pretends to like it in front of her. When she is not there, he thinks it is lame and wants to ROCK OUT so…he puts on the Rolling Stones. Oh, like they are so hip and current? Douchebag.

When Ken goes to Suzanne’s house, he thinks the butler is her father. Oh, stupid proletariat.

Elizabeth’s short story is called “The New Kid” and it about a boy who moves to Sweet Valley who hates it at first but then discovers how wonderful the town is. Can these kids shut up about their town?

My Grade: F

And now another douchey clip from the SVH tv show. Did they do the Liz in a coma plot? This may be part of it. Check out what a tool Todd is.

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16 thoughts on “The one where cheaters always win, or #27 Lovestruck

  1. kiwimusume says:

    Re high school students writing short stories: I remember having to do a short story for at least the first three years of high school English, and possibly the 4th year too. And we didn’t even get time at home to write them – we had to dash them off during the exam (we got starter lines, though.) I don’t know how good they had to be, though – I can’t write a story for shit and I always managed to scrape through somehow.

    And argh at Liz’s Little House Syndrome AGAIN! (But then, if she didn’t do that, she wouldn’t have anything to do besides fight with Todd. Bloody boring, annoying Elizabeth. >_<)

  2. coquelicot says:

    We actually had to write SCREENPLAYS my junior year of high school in English class! AAACK! Talk about a tough assignment. Not only did we have to write dialogue and characters’ actions, we also had to include camera angles, fades, etc. I would have loved to just get away with a short story.

    I just wonder if Ken was named “Ken” for a reason. I remember Ken dolls looking a lot like he does on this cover…

  3. Merrie says:

    OMG, that clip was painful to watch! I know one of the girls that plays a Wakefield Twin was also on the short-lived Swan’s Crossing — obviously her acting did not improve!

  4. Onnie says:

    what gets me is – for a public high school, there sure are a lot of rich kids that go there. you would think their parents would send them all to private school – but oh yeah, good ole francine addresses that when we get to #59 when todd comes back…

  5. Jane says:

    Ken gets away with a lot, but it’ll come back to bite him in the ass someday…. Someday he’ll (gasp!) go BLIND!

    (find that book! review it! PLEASE!)

  6. coquelicot says:

    SVH #60, “That Fatal Night.”

    Not to spoil it or anything, but there’s nothing “fatal” about the night.

  7. Eli says:

    Is it me, or does Ken look like a gay John Schneider in this picture? It would have been awesome if there had been an SVH book about Football Ken dating Gay Tennis Guy Tom McKay.

  8. Dwanollah says:

    I totally thought about John Schneider when I first got this book. And that was back when he was still only known for being a Duke.

    The whole poetry reading scene was stupid. Of course, when Jessica writes bad, overwrought poetry, we’re supposed to find it kinda sweet when she’s trying so hard to make AJ like her, but when it’s a friend of Suzanne, all bets’re off.

  9. ladyjaye says:

    Ken on that cover is either eyeing his cute teammate (but shhhh! he’s not supposed to be gay, even though he seems to be wearing eye makeup!) or the fat girl that he’s secretly attracted to but would never date because omg! she’s fat and what about his rep as a jock!

    One thing’s for sure, he wants to be anywhere but with that girl.

  10. Sonnie says:

    I’d totally love to have Mathews cock me a few times, but that’s about it. This story did remind me of my first boyf when I was 16. It was a total of 4 dates, but he was still considered my boyf. Anyway, he played football (running back), and he was a bag of rocks. He was in the same situation as Ken. But get this. His mom did his homework! just so he could keep on playing. The crazy thing was, the the coach called his mom and told her to help do his work cus he’s really good at fb and doesn’t want to kick him off the team. WTF? Let’s just say that I wasn’t at his game when he suffered from a concussion from a badly thrown ball.

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