First things first: I remember thinking that Jessica was sooooo pretty on this cover. It is one of the better pictures of her, but that hair! It’s the combover! That’s what my hair looks like if I wash it but let it air-dry.
Ok, so Liz is still in a coma at the Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital. I mention the hospital’s name because the name is mentioned every time they talk about the hospital. Obvi, it’s a relative of Lila’s.
So, Liz finally wakes up only she’s not Liz, she’s basically…Jessica. Or a selfish nymphomaniac. In other words, Jessica. Of course, first thing she does when she wakes up is flirt with her doctor at the Joshua Fowler memorial hospital. And the doctors and nurses can’t shut up about how gooooorgeous the twins are. Is it really appropriate for a neurosurgeon to comment on? Haven’t I learned suspension of belief yet?
Ooooo, clever literary device. The doctors had suggested that if Jessica talks to Liz, she may wake up. This allows Jess to recap everything that’s happened in the series so far.
So Liz returns to school and snubs both Enid and Todd and declares that she has no time for them. Todd thinks Liz is holding a grudge against him for almost killing him on the motorcycle. He mopes around a lot but accepts it. Oh, Todd, you are too good for this! Move on!
Ned and Alice let the gals have a pool party at their house, as a welcome back to the world for Elizabeth. Elizabeth wants to invite only boys. Hah! I knew someone who threw parties for guys only. Although it was in college. Elizabeth tricks Jessica into doing all the work for the party while she uses the “I’m tired and still recovering excuse.” Jessica, you have tasted your own medicine AND IT IS BITTER! Elizabeth spends the whole party amidst a gaggle of guys that seem to be encircling her and laughing at everything she is saying.. The ubiquitous Ken Matthews is there and she uses some sort of double enttendres to flirt.
Ok, some side story about some twin girls that stay with the Wakefields and Elizabeth always dumps the responsibility onto Jessica. She even is forced to take them on her date to the drive-in. Comic relief…I guess?
Elizabeth continues to do horrible things to good people- she writes something in Eyes and Ears about Ken cheating on his girlfriend in the hopes that they break up so she can have him. She even makes Winston do her homework for her. Nooooo, not Winston!
Wow, we get a whole chapter from Todd’s point of view. Usually there are side characters that get some perspective, but rarely Todd. My god, he is such a snore. No juicy tidbits about his kinky fantasies about dating a twin or descriptions of the guys in the locker room. Just more brooding about Elizabeth.
Lila has a theme party, with two themes, a costume theme and a “pickup party” theme. Where people pick each other up. Uh, as opposed to other kinds of theme parties? Jessica and Elizabeth go as sexy matadors. Don’t ask.
Elizabeth flirts with Bruce and he thinks it is Jessica wanting another chance (he wishes). When he finds out she is Elizabeth, he gets his designer boxer shorts in a twist with excitement because Elizabeth is the only girl he has yet to “conquer.” And by “conquer” he means forcibly have intercourse with. He starts getting her drunk on wine and before they are about to leave, Todd stops them and takes Liz home after she passes out. Because even though he treats her like crap, deep down he loves her and can’t wait to have another frivolous fight with her.
Meanwhile, Bill Chase, the Sweet Valley surfer/stoner, gets caught in Elizabeth’s whirlwind cock-teasing. He’s always been in love with her from afar but afraid to talk to her. So when she shows interest, he asks her out. Bruce also wants Liz to come to his private beach house, so she plans on blowing off Bill. Jessica apparently suddenly is in love with Bill so she poses as Elizabeth and goes out with him. They do stupid date things like walk on the beach and whisper sweet nothings and Bill confesses his love for Liz. Blech
Meanwhile, Liz snuck out with Bruce to his lair of seduction. They make out and shock!!! Bruce feels her boobs. That Bruce is such a boob-toucher. Finally they make it upstairs and to the bed. Bruce runs downstairs to get more wine (i.e. rufies) and Elizabeth gets up and hits her head on the table, suddenly turning back into the real Elizabeth, and does not remember anything from the time she woke up from the coma. Omg! Just like Kyle Baldwin on The 4400. Was Liz used as a vessel for the future humans to talk through also? Doubtful. Can I get a medical explanation for what happened? Anyway she does the requisite slap-Bruce-across-the-face ands runs out onto the beach where she finds Todd and instantly he knows she is now back to normal. Ah, young love reunited!
Seriously, this was a good one. I think this ghostwriter got a BA in creative writing from Harvard.
Francine continues to hate the fatties. When Jessica is getting ready for a date, she muses that she is glad she lost weight recently because Danny Stouffer would not want to date a “blimpo”. Uh, random and uneccesary.
What the hell is with all the dumb nicknames people have for each other? Elizabeth calls Ken Matthews “All-American.” Ugh. Mr. Collins calls Liz “Brenda Starr”. Ugh. Todd’s nickname on the basketball team is “Wizzer” Wilkins. Because he has to pee a lot? If so, that should be my nickname.
Are we really to believe that Bruce has actually slept with a lot of girls? People at Sweet Valley seem to have no genitals, they walk around with Barbie Doll crotches. None of the guys that Liz and Jess usually date ever MENTION sex. I’ll bet Bruce has slept with some MILF at his parents’ country club.
My grade: A