The one in which Elizabeth awakens from the coma to become a nymphomaniac, or #7, Dear Sister

First things first: I remember thinking that Jessica was sooooo pretty on this cover. It is one of the better pictures of her, but that hair! It’s the combover! That’s what my hair looks like if I wash it but let it air-dry.

Ok, so Liz is still in a coma at the Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital. I mention the hospital’s name because the name is mentioned every time they talk about the hospital. Obvi, it’s a relative of Lila’s.

So, Liz finally wakes up only she’s not Liz, she’s basically…Jessica. Or a selfish nymphomaniac. In other words, Jessica. Of course, first thing she does when she wakes up is flirt with her doctor at the Joshua Fowler memorial hospital. And the doctors and nurses can’t shut up about how gooooorgeous the twins are. Is it really appropriate for a neurosurgeon to comment on? Haven’t I learned suspension of belief yet?

Ooooo, clever literary device. The doctors had suggested that if Jessica talks to Liz, she may wake up. This allows Jess to recap everything that’s happened in the series so far.

So Liz returns to school and snubs both Enid and Todd and declares that she has no time for them. Todd thinks Liz is holding a grudge against him for almost killing him on the motorcycle. He mopes around a lot but accepts it. Oh, Todd, you are too good for this! Move on!

Ned and Alice let the gals have a pool party at their house, as a welcome back to the world for Elizabeth. Elizabeth wants to invite only boys. Hah! I knew someone who threw parties for guys only. Although it was in college. Elizabeth tricks Jessica into doing all the work for the party while she uses the “I’m tired and still recovering excuse.” Jessica, you have tasted your own medicine AND IT IS BITTER! Elizabeth spends the whole party amidst a gaggle of guys that seem to be encircling her and laughing at everything she is saying.. The ubiquitous Ken Matthews is there and she uses some sort of double enttendres to flirt.

Ok, some side story about some twin girls that stay with the Wakefields and Elizabeth always dumps the responsibility onto Jessica. She even is forced to take them on her date to the drive-in. Comic relief…I guess?

Elizabeth continues to do horrible things to good people- she writes something in Eyes and Ears about Ken cheating on his girlfriend in the hopes that they break up so she can have him. She even makes Winston do her homework for her. Nooooo, not Winston!

Wow, we get a whole chapter from Todd’s point of view. Usually there are side characters that get some perspective, but rarely Todd. My god, he is such a snore. No juicy tidbits about his kinky fantasies about dating a twin or descriptions of the guys in the locker room. Just more brooding about Elizabeth.

Lila has a theme party, with two themes, a costume theme and a “pickup party” theme. Where people pick each other up. Uh, as opposed to other kinds of theme parties? Jessica and Elizabeth go as sexy matadors. Don’t ask.

Elizabeth flirts with Bruce and he thinks it is Jessica wanting another chance (he wishes). When he finds out she is Elizabeth, he gets his designer boxer shorts in a twist with excitement because Elizabeth is the only girl he has yet to “conquer.” And by “conquer” he means forcibly have intercourse with. He starts getting her drunk on wine and before they are about to leave, Todd stops them and takes Liz home after she passes out. Because even though he treats her like crap, deep down he loves her and can’t wait to have another frivolous fight with her.

Meanwhile, Bill Chase, the Sweet Valley surfer/stoner, gets caught in Elizabeth’s whirlwind cock-teasing. He’s always been in love with her from afar but afraid to talk to her. So when she shows interest, he asks her out. Bruce also wants Liz to come to his private beach house, so she plans on blowing off Bill. Jessica apparently suddenly is in love with Bill so she poses as Elizabeth and goes out with him. They do stupid date things like walk on the beach and whisper sweet nothings and Bill confesses his love for Liz. Blech

Meanwhile, Liz snuck out with Bruce to his lair of seduction. They make out and shock!!! Bruce feels her boobs. That Bruce is such a boob-toucher. Finally they make it upstairs and to the bed. Bruce runs downstairs to get more wine (i.e. rufies) and Elizabeth gets up and hits her head on the table, suddenly turning back into the real Elizabeth, and does not remember anything from the time she woke up from the coma. Omg! Just like Kyle Baldwin on The 4400. Was Liz used as a vessel for the future humans to talk through also? Doubtful. Can I get a medical explanation for what happened? Anyway she does the requisite slap-Bruce-across-the-face ands runs out onto the beach where she finds Todd and instantly he knows she is now back to normal. Ah, young love reunited!

Seriously, this was a good one. I think this ghostwriter got a BA in creative writing from Harvard.

Other thoughts:

Francine continues to hate the fatties. When Jessica is getting ready for a date, she muses that she is glad she lost weight recently because Danny Stouffer would not want to date a “blimpo”. Uh, random and uneccesary.

What the hell is with all the dumb nicknames people have for each other? Elizabeth calls Ken Matthews “All-American.” Ugh. Mr. Collins calls Liz “Brenda Starr”. Ugh. Todd’s nickname on the basketball team is “Wizzer” Wilkins. Because he has to pee a lot? If so, that should be my nickname.

Are we really to believe that Bruce has actually slept with a lot of girls? People at Sweet Valley seem to have no genitals, they walk around with Barbie Doll crotches. None of the guys that Liz and Jess usually date ever MENTION sex. I’ll bet Bruce has slept with some MILF at his parents’ country club.

My grade: A

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29 thoughts on “The one in which Elizabeth awakens from the coma to become a nymphomaniac, or #7, Dear Sister

  1. Merrie says:

    You are awesome. I just found this site from a BSC recap and had to read everything. I was so addicted to these books when I was 12! Seeing them as an adult — man, do they suck.

  2. coquelicot says:

    Thanks for making my morning! Found you the same way Merrie did. Trying to stifle my laughter here at work. You’re tempting me to try to find some of the SV books at the library or Goodwill. More, more!

  3. sally says:

    I love these! I can’t believe you didn’t mention the part where Jessica basically says she is going to have to sleep with Danny in order to get him to forgive her for bringing the twins on their date. Something about reclining leather seats in his car?

  4. Onnie says:

    this was my favorite one!!! i remember how i used to think this one was so racy and i loved the fact that liz was becoming such a naughty, selfish bitch!!! her goody-two shoes ways are so irritating. just do all the trampy ones, ok? but one note – how pathetic that liz “suddenly” recovers her memory just like that?!? i dunno – i need to verify that with a medical professional, but I didnt know just banging your head on the floor can recover your entire memories and yet make her forget all that recently happened before?!?! wtf

  5. erin says:

    Dear Wizzer,

    Love it love it. It’s so funny how they constantly allude to sex and seem trampy, but as soon as someone (Bruce) touches a boob, it’s over. Does anyone ever ACTUALLY have sex in any of the books?

    • Janeth says:

      Buck Lake Live & 65 … that is 65 years in the making.Buck Lake Live is hiavng a MILITARY APPRECIATION DAY, Saturday evening, June 30th at 7 pm at Historic Buck Lake Ranch, Angola, Indiana.To begin the program, the AMERICAN LEGION POST 31 will POST THE COLORS, with the traditional flag ceremony.Glenn Flint of Fairview Missionary Church will sing a MEDLEY OF ALL THE MILITARY ANTHEMS followed by some original PATRIOTIC SONGS by Nod Arvefel.“DEDICATION” (A Southern Gospel Quartet that appeared on a Gaither Homecoming Video) will give an hour of music and personal testimony. Then the AMERICAN LEGION will do a MILITARY GUN SALUTE and PLAY TAPS.Buck Lake Ranch will top off the evening with a FIREWORKS DISPLAY.Come and hear great entertainment and personal testimony! Relive the memories of historic Buck Lake Ranch in Angola, Indiana.ADMISSION and PARKING are FREE and there is always a new program every Saturday night.Mark your calendars for Saturday, June 30th at 7 pm, for “MILITARY APPRECIATION DAY” atHistoric Buck Lake Ranch2705 West Buck Lake RoadAngola, IN 46703.It is going to be an awesome time … See you there!

  6. olivia says:

    this was the first SVH book I ever read, and the parts about boob-touching and stealing people’s boyfriends seemed so scandalous to my 5th-grade mind that I couldn’t wait to get my hands on more. Unfortunately that trend did not continue and by the time I was actually in high school (mid to late 90s) the books were completely LAME. Aww. Great site!

  7. Amanda says:

    You missed the part where Jessica says something to Todd, along the lines of “Who cares about Whales, Todd”. And then the next line is “He did, but he let the comment slide…”

    So random. Todd cares about whales? I almost died laughing re-reading that part.

  8. Dwanollah says:

    The especially annoying thing about Jessica gloating about not being a “blimpo” is that the amount of weight she lost was, like, TWO POUNDS. Wouldn’t she lose that after her morning bowel movement?!

    I also love how the rumor of Liz going to Kelly’s with Rick Andover was enough to just DEMOLISH her rep in Book 1, but her turning into Super-Slut in this book causes nary a blink.

  9. EnidRollins says:

    “Danny has these seats that slide back. Do I need to draw you a picture?” Jess had said, though that’s not the exact quote. Hers was a lot more suggestive. Jessie will get laid in the car…not…

  10. RollingStone says:

    I remember that the back cover was all “without Elizabeth, how can Jessica’s life go on?” etc. etc. so I was disappointed when she woke up after only about ten pages.

  11. Tony Sargent's Publicist says:

    I think it would have been a public service to Sweet Valley if Bruce Patman would’ve just gone ahead and stuffed Elizabeth. A little sexual healing is exactly what that stuck-up goody goody needs!

  12. BartTempleton says:

    Ahhhh, the memories. My aunt accused me of stealing this one from a K-Mart on a family trip. It had recently been reprinted (this was like 1988) and I was so eager to read it, I didn’t wait for her to check it out for me; I used my Christmas pocket money by myself. Her wrath was compounded when she saw it was s Sweet Valley because she’s a librarian and thought they were trash.

    But this one really, really rules. I love how it humanizes Jessica. You really feel sorry for her and impressed at her capacity for self-analysis (“This must be how everyone feels when I’m an irresponsible brat!”) It brilliantly showcases the parental negligence of Nalice (as clueless as owls that Liz is being a sly biotch to their faces) and Todd’s car is described as a beat-up Datsun, in emasculating terms.

    The “warm wine and paper cups” the classy Bruce Patman has stowed at all times in the back of 1Bruce1 still sticks in my mind as a high point.

    Oh, to answer Erin’s question above and to paraphrase a famous line:

    “This is Sweet Valley. No sex, please.”

  13. BartTempleton says:

    Tony Sargent, I quite agree. Only in order for it to work, Elizabeth would have to be fully cognizant of it when she comes to her senses… we’d benefit from seeing her self-loathing and horror unfold over the next few books.

  14. Sonnie says:

    I agree with Tony Sargent’s Publicist. It’s about time someone, like Liz got “stuffed” and stuffed hard! Plus wouldn’t you want to have sex with Bruce since he’s hot? I would. And if he ever called me a slut or something then I would just tell everyone (in the “eyes and ears”) that, “if he’s so rich, why does he suck in bed?” YEAH!

  15. Allison says:

    I always thought it was funny they had a pool party for Liz about a week after she got out of the hospital. She was just in a coma!!

  16. Karla Keffer says:

    Normally I hate the whole “all that uptight chick needs is a good lay” thing, but this is St. Elizabeth of Wakefield we’re talking about, so ROTFLMAO!

  17. Sarah W says:

    “Todd’s nickname on the basketball team is “Wizzer” Wilkins. Because he has to pee a lot? ”

    I just spat my drink all over my screen.

  18. Golden Lavaliere says:

    My favorite few lines of this book are something to the effect of Jessica wearing an ice blue bikini walking past Aaron Dallas & Ken Matthews and “treating each of them to dazzling smiles.” My BF and I used to laugh our asses off about that one. Also, how Jess’ eyes would go from blue-“as blue as a baby’s” and when she got mad “green as a gimlet.”

  19. MJ McStabby says:

    This was one of the SVH books I actually used to own, and I LOVED it. I remember feeling like I’d get in trouble for reading about boob-touching. I used to love Liz because she was the smart one, but now I see her for what she is: a meddling, self-important shrew. Thanks, ihatewheat!

  20. Sey says:

    Lisa Coulter – Very touching. And a betuiaful shot.We knew you were special and had a wonderful gift when I saw your photos and then met you! Your photos capture our special day perfectly, and we plan to do an anniversary shoot with you one day! Your kids are extremely lucky to have you constantly clicking away at them they’ll have wonderful memories for their future as well, looking back at the photos with their [future] families.

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