So, Julie Porter is a total nerd. She’s mousy, a brunette (which is the kiss of death in Sweet Valley) and she likes to play music. The recorder, actually. Ok, before you judge, my mother runs a recorder ensemble and it’s pretty hardcore. They really practice a lot and perform all over Florida. My mother is also 63.Of course,Liz is friends with her. In fact, they stay after school and play recorder duets together. Ok, again before you judge, I used to stay after school to hang out in the music wing and play string quartets. Then again, I was a fucking loser in high school.
Josh Bowen, another character we haven’t met before this, is a friend of Julie’s and is currently pledging Phi Epsilon, the fraternity. Bruce is being a total dick and giving all the pledges are hard time. They do typical pledge stuff. Ok, everyone say it with me: WHY THE HELL IS THIS ALLOWED? Josh totally hates it but his older bro was in the fraternity, so he wants to get in.
Julie looks about twelve. Josh looks hot, 25, and basically like a gay Abercrombie model. You can’t really tell from this picture, but Bruce’s eyebrow is raised to his hairline. He’s also wearing a sweater cardigan. Which would make him a hipster by today’s standards. Speaking of Bruce, I had mentioned that I was getting a James Marsden vibe, so here are some pics looking all Bruce Patman-esque.
Blah blah blah, Julie hates that Josh is pledging the fraternity. Bruce, for some reason starts flirting with Julie. Because she has zero self-esteem, she goes for it. She invites him to the frat party at his house, and despite every telling her that Bruce is a dick, she goes with him. So, Bruce brings her to this dark room and starts macking, but then gets up to go to the bathroom somewhere. Then someone she thinks is Bruce comes in and they start making out. SURPRISE! It’s Josh, not Bruce. Bruce set it up as a pledging prank because….I don’t know. I don’t even know why it was funny or clever. It turns out he told Josh there was a girl in the room who would be judging them to see who was the best kisser. I think Francine didn’t know how to end the story.
Ok, so the next day at school in the caf, Bruce gives Josh another pledge task: mash a whole bunch of jello together and give it to Julie. That’s uh…horrible? Josh doesn’t want to bother Julie again, and Bruce keeps egging him on, so Josh throws the plate of food on Bruce. Um, chyello? Isn’t that how Jessica got back at Bruce as well? Bruce seems to always have food thrown on him. The manuscript editors should have caught that one.
Ok, stupid sidestory: Jessica wants the lead in the school production of You Can’t Take It With You, but never reads the script and worries about having a good ballet routine. Well, she fucks up the audition, but gets the lead anyway, because the character she is playing is supposed to be clumsy. Jessica, always the brat, throws a hissy fit that she doesn’t want to be portrayed that way. However, she get s standing ovation, and because she is an egomaniacal beast, comes out on top at the end. I HATE when Jessica gets what she wants. Which is like, aways.
Bruce wears a gold watch and Italian glove-leather loafers. Not only is he in high school, he’s also a mob kingpin.
God, do these kids really talk like this? Jeffrey and Elizabeth are making out in the hallway, and Enid yells, “Hey, let go of that woman before I report you with intent to kiss!” Elizabeth responds, “Just in time to save me from the Sweet Valley Maniac!” and then Enid says to Jeffrey, “This is a high school, not a professional wrestling arena, you know.” God, I cringed just writing that.
At Bruce’s party, the pledges have to walk around in ridiculous costumes and act as servants. Josh has to dress up like a woman and Bruce keeps telling him he’s made a good housewife. Uhhhh….
My grade: D+