The one where we find out that Enid was a slutty criminal, or #2, Secrets

What’s that pink thing? Is it a…phone? Why is there a cord attached to it? I don’t understand.

Ok, so the title is a little obvious. Enid, Liz’s nerdy best friend, has a secret. She has a police record! And she’s been writing letters to her old boyfriend! She has a new boyfriend, Ronnie, and she doesn’t want him to find out because he’s an abusive prick and she’s a pathetic doormat. Thanks Francine, I learned everything about how boyfriends should treat me in high school from you. Boyfriends are not about talking and joking and making life plans together, they are about not upsetting them and going to makeout point when they want. When we do talk to them, we should only talk in lovey-dovey flirty talk. I digress.

Jessica is an insane, manipulative cunt and she hates that Liz has any other friends but her (but she can hang out with Lila and Cara and the cheerleaders, and it’s okay). So she finds the letters to Enid’s old boyfriend and spreads it around school. Liz is the only one Enid told, so she gets mad at Liz and makes her cry about a thousand times. The funny thing is, the rumor is all over school! People actually give a shit that SOME GIRL WRITES LETTERS! Again, this is social suicide for Enid, because everyone in SVH are the uptight moral police.

So, blah blah, Enid reunites with her old boyf George who is now hot and has cleaned up his act, and Liz gets back at Jess by makinf sure that the class nerd Winston Eggbert wins Homecoming King so Jessica has to dance with him when she wins homecoming queen.

What, another dance? I think that SVH holds dances every night.

Francine has also introduced us to the timeless madonna/whore theory, best illustrated by the twins. Once can either be completely pure and no backbone and a pushover, or a raging slut with no other thoughts or ambitions.

When I first read the books, I imagined the characters as the drawings, but I am getting a Jake Gyllenhaal vibe from Todd.

God Francine, we GET IT! The twins are beautiful. You don’t have to make all the characters mention it all the time. If I hear one more thing about “perfectly toned legs” or sea-green eyes, I will scream. Funny, but today’s standards, the twins are LARD ASSES. Size six? Omg!!! Not size zero? Seriously.

I also love how this takes place about 5 seconds after the last book, and Todd and Elizabeth already have regular places and places they frequent. I think they’ve been dating for about a day.

Elizabeth is a fucking grandma. To cheer Enid up, she invites her over on a Friday night to bake cookies. Ok, so I think I did that last week, but believe me, it’s so dumb! “Enid Rollins was spending the night at the Wakefields’, and Elizabeth initiated Project C.C. Cookie in the hope it would distract Enid from whatever it was she’s been so jumpy about.” Oh my god, so stupid. Francine, hire a better ghost rider.

My grade: F

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8 thoughts on “The one where we find out that Enid was a slutty criminal, or #2, Secrets

  1. Dwanollah says:

    The back story with Ms. Dalton supposedly having an affair with Ken Matthews was horrific. Nice how Ms. Dalton’s rep is ruined, but not Ken’s. Of course, it’s always the girl’s fault.

    I think every book in the first, like, 20 SVHs have some kind of attempted date rape, like Ronnie with Enid.

  2. BurtonFanatic says:

    “Funny, but today’s standards, the twins are LARD ASSES. Size six? Omg!!! Not size zero? Seriously.”
    SOOOOOO TRUE. Time for more water ballet.

    Is this the same Enid that broke off her fruendship with Liz in the 1st book cause she thought it was Liz getting out of the police car? Yeah, then she’s a fucking hypocrite and it serves the bitch right.

    I hate Jessica. She needs to be medicated.

  3. Emily says:

    wasnt this the one where Cara tells Jessica she looks like Bo Derek in 10? I remember reading that, at age 10, thinking WTF is 10 and who is Bo Derek? ahhh the 80s.

    Thank God the pop culture references dwindled.

  4. Vanessa Saxton says:

    So I bought “Secrets” book on tape (Ebay treasure) I love it. It’s so awful. There are amazing Robert Redford references and a few mistakes (the narrator calls Lila “Lola”). And, best of all, Bruce sounds like a child molester. LOVE IT!

  5. Rio says:

    Dwanollah, of course Ken’s rep didn’t get trashed. Considering he’s the all-American, blond-haired, blue-eyed captain of the football team, he can do no wrong. If the SVH guys (except Bruce Patman) had sex drives, they’d just be saying, “DUDE! SCORE!”

  6. Enid Rollins says:

    Guys, guys. You know how in the original, someone had written on Ms. Dalton’s chalk\whiteboard “if you want to know what a French kiss is, ask Ken?” Now in the new, reissued, rewritten Secrets, someone Photoshopped pictures of Ken’s and Ms. Dalton’s heads onto a picture of a naked couple in bed, blew it up and hung it in the classroom…

  7. Karla Keffer says:

    So I bought “Secrets” book on tape (Ebay treasure) I love it. It’s so awful. There are amazing Robert Redford references and a few mistakes (the narrator calls Lila “Lola”). And, best of all, Bruce sounds like a child molester. LOVE IT!

    Am sitting here HYPERVENTILATING because I bought that tape at a way pre-Sam’s Club discount place when I was thirteen! I’m kind of kicking myself for destroying it a couple years later.

    Did you notice how Enid’s mom sounds like a 75-year-old chain smoker?

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