Trouble at Home, as acted by the cast of Tommy Wiseau’s “The Room”

Picture provided by L.L.Bean's special emo edition


Ned: Oh hi Alice.


Alice: Oh…hey Ned.


Ned: Wow, you look really sexy.


Alice: I guess. My mother has breast cancer. And I just got a big interior decorating design job at the mall, so I won’t be around more.


Ned: Wow, that’s great Alice. Haha.


Alice: Did you get the big case at work?


Ned: No.


Alice: You didn’t get it, did you?


Ned: No, it’s not fair. I have to work harder. But I bought you something.


Alice: Flowers again! I love you!


Ned: I love you to, Lisa. Let’s do it.

—–

[The next day...]


Alice: Hey everyone, sorry I’m home late. I was spending lots of time on my important architecture project.


Steven: Hi everyone.


Ned: Oh hi Steven!


Steven: I’m home from college.


Ned: Oh that’s nice. Your mother and I are going upstairs.


Steven: Can I come?


Ned: Oh, Steven, you are so funny. Haha.


Alice: Steven, I told you not to!


Steven: I just like to watch you guys. You are like the perfect couple.


Alice: btw, the way, I have to work tomorrow also.


Ned: Alice, YOU ARE TEARING ME APART! You don’t care about this family at all!


Alice:  I don’t want to talk about it!

—-


Maria: Oh my god Liz, my father, the mayor, was framed as a briber. Now he will go on trial. He needs a lawyer.


Liz: My dad will probably do it.


Maria: Thanks Liz. Your dad is my dad’s favorite lawyer.


Ned: That’s me!


Liz: Dad, are you going to defend Mr. Santelli in his bribery trial?


Ned: Yes. No one hurts Peter. Those motherfaaaaakers.


Steven: Thanks for meeting me for coffee. So Dad, how’s your sex life?


Ned: Oh Steven, not so great. Maria Santelli’s father, the former mayor, asked me to defend him in his trial. I’m a very important lawyer, who can practice every type of law. Although, this will cause your mother and I to see each other even less.


Steven: Oh that’s too bad. Well, I have to get going.

—-


Liz: Oh my gosh! Mom and Dad fighting is awful. It makes me not believe in love.


Enid: Oh hi Liz, I didn’t know that was you. You are my favorite friend.


Liz: Yes, that’s me. I am so glad we are going on vacation as a family. It will finally reunite my parents. No work will be involved. Although, I did give my mom’s secretary the number at the cabin just in case they need her.


Ned: Oh wow, we are taking a vacation and you invited the whole family. What a good idea.


Alice: Yes, but I just have a little work to do.


Steven: Mom, you promised!


Liz: Mom, the front desk says you have a call from your secretary.


Ned: That’s it! Everyone deceived me! I hate everyone! Goodbye world!


Liz: I can’t believe Mom’s secretary called us on vacation and Dad got so mad he said they were getting separated!


Jess: Oh Liz, stop being judgmental. I can do what I want. In fact, since Mom and Dad are barely paying attention to us anymore, and I wanted to something that will impress Lila, I’ve been calling a party chat line, and I’ve met someone!


Liz: Wow, that’s great Jessica. What’s he like?


Jess: Well, we haven’t actually met yet….

[flashback to the teen line]**


Charlie: How’re you doing gorgeous? I’ve been thinking about you all day long….I’ve been building a mental picture of you today. I’ve decided- just from your voice- that you’re blond. Am I right?


Jess: [giggling] You’re right.


Charlie: I could tell. You have the blondest voice I’ver ever heard.


Jessica: [thinking] Imagine how thrilled Charlie was going to be when he discovered how blond she really was! I can’t wait until we actually meet. It will be perfect.

**This scene contains the actual dialogue from the book.

—–

For those not familiar with with the masterpiece that is The Room, check out info  here and here.  Even if you don’t, there is nothing in this book that is important, except that Ned and Alice break up after squabbling. Ned is allowed to work at all hours, but once Alice starts putting more time into her career, she is neglecting her family. Good old fashioned family values. We know that Liz makes it all about her by running away and Jessica doesn’t give a shit about Charlie after she meets him, and prefers his hot but stupid impostor and then the twins get their parents back together whilst exposing a political scandal.

Steven’s Bride: The Condensed Version

[Cover courtesy of The Closet]

Steven: Oh noes! Cara is moving to London!

Jessica: Why don’t you marry her? That way she won’t have to move.

Steven: What a great idea! Jess, your ideas always work, so I will do it!

Steven: Cara, will you marry me?

Cara: Marriage! That means my own apartment, I can have parites when I want and stay up as late as I want! Why yes Steven!

Lila: Cara, we are throwing you a bridal shower. Any excuse to throw a party at my house. My housekeeper gets bored so I have to give her stuff do do.

Amy: Here, I got you a sexy negligeee!

Cara: Gulp. Oh yea, I guess if we are married, I have to have sex with Steven. I had not thought of that until just now.

Jessica: Here! I got you dishes!

Cara: Gulp. Oh yea, I guess if I get married I have to have responsibilities and do housework. I hadn’t thought of that until now.

Steven: Whoa is me. I just got into a the pre-law program at college but I can’t do it because I have to get a part time job to support Cara and our shitty apartment. I really think this marriage is a bad idea but I’m just not going to say anything.

Cara: Yikes. I’m afraid to get married because I’m young and it is pretty much a felony so I am just not going to say anything.

Jessica and Elizabeth: We are going to do something we never do: go to our parents when we need help.

[The Wakefield fam stop the wedding just in time for Cara to get cold feet at the altar.]

Cara: Apparently, I do have to move to London because my character is probably too boring for this series.

Jessica: I am a sociopath devoid of all human empathy so I’m actually not that sad that my supposed best friend is moving.

Elizabeth: I am awesome because I totally know what’s right for everyone.

Steven: I’m a massive tool.

The End.

Who’s to Blame…for this steaming pile of crap called a book

Jimmy really earned his paycheck on this cover. Love how Liz is wiping away the single tear.

Previously, Ned and Alice were having marriage trouble. Ned has moved out temporarily to try and work things out or something. They keep mentioning that it is temporary, so why is everyone all upset? On the other hand, I can see why they may be a little upset, because in Sweet Valley, if your parents are divorced or you do not have a hetero-two parent family, you end of as a raging slut, have ‘roid rages, have really bad self-esteem, are dirt-poor, are pathetically boring, are distrustful of men, die of some terrible diseasedrop out of school,  just to name a few. So yea, I guess I’d be upset.

This fight brings out the absolute worst in the twins. Shall we start with Liz? First, she thinks the break up is all her fault because back when the fam tried to take a ski weekend, she gave her mom’s secretary the number where they will be and when then the secretary called, it caused Alice to leave and make Ned mad. So Liz has the gall to think that she is so INFLUENTIAL that she is the CAUSE of her parents breakup. So she mopes about it the whole time in a whoa is me fashion. She totally martyrs herself and cancels all her plans to TAKE CARE of her mother, because forgot the fact that Alice is an adult that can take care of herself. And then, her parents breakup makes her GIVE UP ON LOVE and if a couple so perfect and in love as her parents can’t survive, how can any relationship survive? So she breaks up with Todd for no reason and pulls the histrionics all day. I can see her walking around, and when anyone approached, heaving a HUGE sigh and waiting for someone to ask her what is wrong.

I am not sure who is worse, Elizabeth or Jessica. Jessica doesn’t care about anyone in her family, and sees the separation as a good thing. When Jessica gets in trouble with her mom, she runs to her dad to complain and has her Dad call her mom to debate the punishment. And then she uses her Dad’s guilt to get money from him to buy a new outfit. But should we expect less from Jessica?

Finally Jessica and Steven find out she gave Alice’s secretary the number to where they were vacationing, and Jessica and Steven get mad and oh my god! How dare Elizabeth be so important as to ruin an adult’s marriage! She needs to get away from them! She doesn’t have the balls to pull a Jessica and actually run away, so she goes to stay with Enid, who of course is foaming at the mouth over the opportunity to have Liz stay at her house and get all of her attention. Liz doesn’t want her parents to find her, so she takes Enid’s phone off the hook without telling Enid or her Mom for the whole weekend. Wtf? And Mrs. Rollins doesn’t get pissed at that? Enid on the other hand, doesn’t care, and sleeps clutching the sheets that Elizabeth slept on.

The secondary storyline only serves to enrage me even more. Jessica has been calling a teen party line. Remember party lines? How trashy. She’s met a guy through one of them, Charlie, who has a sexy voice and who she has hit it off with.Although he is hesitant to meet her in person, but finally agrees. They meet at the roller rink, but the guy who meets her there is cute but boring. It takes like three more meetings for Jessica to realize that this is not the same guy that she has been talking to on the phone. Turns out he thinks he’s not that great looking. Despite being totally into him when they talk on the phone, Jessica doesn’t even CONSIDER meeting him and instead comes up with this brilliant plan:

Suddenly, a wonderful idea came to her. Amy had called this morning and said the guy in her tennis class had turned her down. So she didn’t have a date eithetr. Why not get Amy and Charlie, the real Charlie, to go to the dance together as blind dates? Jessica could go with the other Charlie, the handsome one. What was his name anyway? And the four of them could double-date. That way Jessica wouldn’t be mortified by being caught out in public with someone who wasn’t good-looking. And at the same time she would be able to enjoy the benefits of being with bothy Charlies and having both of them be in love with her! It was the perfect plan!

Seriously, I still can’t figure out if the ghostwriters are aware that Jessica is a pain in the ass selfish brat, or hope that readers will find Jessica’s actions endearing. It’s keeping me up at night.

A Sorta Fairy Tale; #91 In love with A Prince

Dana: Ugh! Everyone is fawning all over the Prince of Santa Dora that has come to Sweet Valley. I’m so disgusted. Because I’m an individual.

Prince Arthur: My oh my! Dana is such a spunky American woman! She’s getting my royal britches in a bunch.

Dana: I am a spunky individual! Therefore, I need to totally hate on aristocracy!

Mr. Collins: Great! I was too busy fondling a lock of Elizabeth’s hair last night to do lesson plans, so let’s host a debate! Prince Arthur, I’m not sure why you are even in class, since you are just visiting. But I guess I’ll go with it to advance the plot.

Dana: Oh, the Prince totally pwned me in the debate. But what is this I’m feeling?

Prince Arthur: Oh Dana, I am so glad that you now like me. And how flattering that you are wearing the flag of my home country as an outfit.

Dana: Oh this dress? I got it on sale at Dress Barn.

Prince Arthur: Oh never mind. Will you marry me?

Dana: Oh yes, of course! And everyone totally supports it! Nevermind that I’m sixteen, since you are rich it’s all good!

Lila: Since I was just almost raped in the last book, I have to act as a desperate, torn woman and creepily stalk Prince Arthur and force him to pay atrention to me. To get back at Dana, I will reveal the Prince’s secret: that he must announce his engagement before he turns seventeen! He was just settling on Dana!

Dana: No! I’ll never love again! I hate Prince Arthur!

Dana: Prince! I had to see you before you left! And because this book’s plot really had no focus, so we have to wrap things up in the last few pages!

Prince Arthur: Oh, Dana, your American spunkiness has taught me so much. I will stand up to my whole country and abolish this archaic tradition. Thank god for the people of Sweet Valley to tell me how to run my country!

Dana: Ok, one second I was ready to marry you, now I’m fine with you leaving! I guess I’ll have to count on getting a part in a Super Edition to see you again.

————

Seriously, I have to give them credit: Dana and Prince Arthur are one of the only couples in SVH that actually have interesting things to talk about- they actually talk about politics and even a bit about each other. Although, Prince Arthur talks like a 60-year-old butler. Of course, Todd gets all jealous because he’s Liz’ pen pal (seriously, they actually referenced something that happened in a Twins book. And there was a even a mention of the Unicorns!). Jessica is vile, and so convinced that the Prince will fall instantly in love with her and doesn’t give a fuck about hitting on the Prince right in front of Sam. Lila’s a mess, because she can no longer have a functional relationship because she was dumb enought to almost get herself raped. Sigh.

Lynne Henry makes an appearance! I thought she disappeared. She hangs out with The Droids and writes songs. She wrote one for the Prince called “Rule my World”. And Dana sings it to the Prince. Do they actually charge for gigs? Or do they just drop everything when Lila has a party?

Dana = still really boring. For a singer of a band, I couldn’t give less of a shit about her.

The Patmans of Sweet Valley: An English country estate

Have you been up at night wondering about the accomplishments of an incredibly privileged and hateful family?

Look no further. We get to meet the people that have built the Patman social strata. This one is a magna edition, which means it is over two hundred pages. I am going to split it up because the drama is so overwhelming!

So we start in an English country estate. Sophie is the daughter of the Duke. She is going swimming in her underwear. TROLLOP!! JEZEBEL!!! I am not even sure what trollop means.

So while she is swimming around, reflecting on her privileged life, a guy pops out of the trees. They have a convo that I am gonna summarize for you:

Sophie: hey, who are you?
Henry: Oh, I was just perving at you behind this tree. You look like a mermaid.
Sophie: well maybe I am
Henry: well I can see your shoes and stockings over there so you’re prolly not
Sophie: yea prolly lol
Henry: I’m Henry Patman
Sophie: I’m Sophie Edmonson
Henry: oh you’re the duke’s daughter, cool
Sophie: yea
Henry: ok gotta go, ttyl
Sophie: k bye

And from that stimulating conversation, Sophie decides she’s in love. They really really throw the word love around too much in these books. Sure, lust at first sight, but come on. I’ve had more thrilling conversations with my dentist.

The next day, the fam learns they are getting a new stable boy. Sophie’s sister Mel is swooning over him. Turns out it’s Henry Patman. Fast forward a few months, and Soph and henry are having a torrid, secret affair. When her father announces her marriage to Lord Elliott. So she and Henry decide to elope. Melanie is still jealous, reads Soph’s diary and tells on her. Lord Edmonson stops Sophie and threatens Henry and he leaves, and apparently is deported to America. Sophie ends up marrying Lord Elliott.

Then Henry Patman is in New York City, living on the streets among beggars, thieves and gangs. And it’s totally all Gangs of New York-y (awesome and underrated movie, btw). He vows to make something of himself and maybe one day finding Sophie again. He gets really good at gambling, and ends up winning a whole plantation. So he heads off the be a slave master. Great.

Whoever wrote this tried to write it in Jane Austen-esque language, and it is really embarrassing.

What does this tell us about Bruce Patman?
That his desire to see women naked in water is genetic. Now we know why he untied Jessica’s bikini top. It wasn’t his fault! It was a biological imperative!

The one where yet again no boy can resist Jessica or #107 Jessica’s Secret Love

Jessica’s guy looks like an insurance salesman.

Wow, I gess after the whole getting chased by lunatic werewolves, I guess plots that matter are hard to come by. This was written by a 12 year old. Sigh. Another book where Jessica is validated simply for being a skinny blonde. So the twins are home from a stint in London and are at the beach, and some guy hits Jessica on the head with a frisbee! He come over to apologize and BAM! within three seconds they decide they are soul mates. Maybe I am just too old and cynical to buy this. So they make out after saying 2 words to each other. Then the guy runs off and says he can’t be with Jessica. After this encounter Jessica decides that Mystery Beach Man is the most. important. man. she’s ever. met. She claims to care for him more than she did for Sam, the alleged love of her life that Elizabeth killed when she was driving drunk. Who boy. So Jessica mopes around and Liz totally enables her.

So if you are still awake to be involved in this plot, Sue Gibbons is Alice’s friend’s daughter who is coming to Sweet Valley to get married. And she’s eighteen. And her mom just died so she decides what better to share her wedding joy with than complete strangers. And the Wakefields are totally the Ingalls here. In case you don’t have the intelligence of at least a first-grader, I don’t have to tell you that Sue’s fiance turns out to be the beach guy. And his name is Jeremy Randall, and he’s twenty-three. And works for a nature non-profit in nyc. Okay, so I am sure he finds some hot blonde teenager while visiting CA and decides that she is the love of her life, rather than some girl he wants to bone. We further learn why J & J are menat for each other: they both like the same engagement ring, they both want a wedding on the beach, and their names begin with the same letter. Yes, for real.

Sigh. What else? Jess convinces Bruce to take her to the same restaurant Jeremy and Sue are at and to pretend to be her date so make Jeremy jealous. She tricks Jeremy into taking him in to going to Miller’s Point (what a cock tease). Oh, and Lila falls in Lurve with Jeremy’s friend Robby who pretends to be rich to pretend to impress Lila, but in fact he is bone broke and then Lila’ all conflicted about it.

Jess somehow tricks Jeremy into trying on his tux and then she puts on Sue’s wedding dress and that’s when they realize they were really meant to be. There is some sobbing and ego-stroking galore.

The whole werewolves in London thing happened right before this, and Liz is traumatized because she fell for a serial killer. So she starts going crazy with self-help books and attending “Primal Woman” seminars. During the seminar Liz picks a new name, which is Runs-with-the-Wind. She suggests the name She-Who-Shops-A-Lot for Jessica. See? Once every few hundred books there is something REMOTELY funny.

Jessica’s outfit choices for her fake date with Bruce: white palazzo pants, sheer babydoll dress over leggings, or a fitted coral suit. Hawt. She ends up wearing a silk aquamarine dress with an elastic back holding the bodice in place, with a matching bolero jacket piped in white. SWEET! I think I wore that at my Bat Mitzvah.

Oh, it magically happens to be summer again. Love how the time warp continuum works in Sweet Valley.

Sue Gibbons is annoying. She supposedly works for an environmental group but is quite shallow and materialistic. Liz is all condescending and points that out, and for once I have to agree with her.

Aother thing: when Jessica raids Elizabeth’s closet, she chooses the dress that Elizabeth wore to the jungle prom. THE ONE THAT SHE WAS WEARING WHEN SHE KILLED JESSICA’S BOYFRIEND. And she doesn’t bat an eyelash. ghostwriters, get a grip! Copy Editor, get on your game!

Also, this whole love thing was insulting. They really throw around the word too much. I can understand that Jeremy and Jessica may want to fool around with each other, but this whole true love thing in ridiculous. And he’s twenty-three, so ew.

You know what? Bruce Patman was eerily charming in this book. He agrees to pose as Jessica’s date then kind of makes fun of her and makes her pay for his dinner. It’s a sad sick world when Bruce is the character I am enjoying.

Grade: F (I would go lower if I could)

This mini-series drags on for like another four books, and I don’t know if I can bear it. Just by reading the backs it looks as if Jeremy is faking with Jessica to somehow get Sue’s inheritance, and I don’t understand the logic of that and quite frankly I don’t care.

Also, didn’t the Wakefields have a dog? Did something happen to it or is it lazy writing?

On deck: the Pom Pom wars, some AJ Morgan action, Annie Whitman slutfest, Club X, Steven Wakefield drama….

The one where Liz and Todd go to the videomat, or #102 Almost Married

Alrghty, if you remember last time, Bruce’ Dad and Liz’s mom were supposedly having an affair. Liz’s Mom is jetting off again to Chicago to work for Hank “Hanky Panky” Patman and Ned is off in a lawyer business trip. I think these ghostwriters actually have no clue what lawyers/interior designers do. You’d think they wouldnt be so keen on leaving when last time, say, AN EVIL PSYCHOPATH TRIED TO KILL LIZ. Just a thought.

Todd’s parents are away too, so they decide to live together! Wh Wh Eh what? Don’ even worry, Todd is sleeping on the couch. What is the point? And they can’t tell anyone because it is seeewww scandalous! And we know that SVH loves meaningless, non-scandalous gossip!

So in order to keep Jess fom yapping, she has Todd do all her chores like cook her breakfast. You would think this is awkward, considering he and Jess had a thing. But hilarity ensues when Todd tried to make bacon and French Toast.

So Liz is a total BEAST this whole time. You would think I couldn’t hate her more. Oh, but wait. Liz is supposed to be all sensitive and shit, but she keeps running off with Bruce because they have a connection. And if Todd looks at her the wrong way, she has a hissy fit and the world stops, but she can blow off Todd while he is living at her house to go splash around with Bruce in the pool. Her parents aren’t here, and she can bone her boyfriend on the kitchen table whenever she wants, and she is running off to do research on her parents.

Bruce and Liz spend time on campus where her parents met and relive the memories. Alice was a activitst (read: dirty hippie) and Hank was a frat boy, but there ws a sit-in and and Hank drove a fucking helicopter and dropped some food for the activists. Uh, okay. Liz declares she’s in love with Bruce and its weird because they may be siblings. They really throw around the word love too much. I know they are teens, but come on here.

Finally there is a party and Bruce and Liz make out and Todd finds them and then Liz dives in the pool, hits her head and Todd relalizes he loves her and all is well.

Edited to add: the parents come home during the party and Liz gets in trouble for having a party and have Todd stay over. In yer FACE Liz! Also, the parents are not having an affair. Alice left Hanky at the altar. They are just friends now.

Bleccccchhhhh.

Thoughts:

Gradually people find out they are living together and it is the talk of the school! Because the Wakefields are always the center of attention.

Bruce is supposed to be in love with this Pamela gal, who- you won’t blieve this- ia actual nice and down to earth, and not annoying. Bruce dumps her ass.

I actually like the way the twins look at the top of the cover. They have some wicked bangs, the kind that start way far back. And actually their faces are round and full, which I am inclined to say look really great but we really know what it means…bulimia bloat. And Todd actually looks 16. He has an overbite, it’s kind of cute.

In the back of this book, there is the opportunity to join the SVH fancub! Here’s what you get for the low price of $6.25:

  • A membership card with your own personal Fan Club ID number
  • A Sweet Valley High Secret Treasure Box
  • Sweet Valley High Stationery
  • Official Fan Club Pencil (for secret note writing)
  • Three bookmarks
  • A “Members Only” Doorhanger
  • Teo Skeins of embroidery floss with flower barrette instruction leaflet
  • Two editions of The Oracle newsletter

Did anyone have this? Sounds like a fucking blast. Did it also come with a raging STI and some laxatives/diet pills?

Anyone join this?

My grade: C-

Next time: Jessa Fields, anyone?

The one with the star-crossed lovers or #34, Forbidden Love

Ok, I want t get through this one quickly, because I just got a whole new batch of SVHs in the early 100s and am anxious to do those. Like when they get chased by werewolves and shit. Someone gave me an ebay gift certificate from my birthday and I was in a major biddng war for a set of books. You’d think at age thirty I’d be, I don’t know, buying property, but no, I buy SVH books.

Enough about me, let’s talk about these two crazy kids, Michael and Maria. They get engaged. In high school. Everyone thinks its seeeewwww romantic. But wait! They are forboden to see each other because their parents hate each other. Not because of an old family fued or because they come from different sides of the tracks, but because their father got into a fight over a business merger. Only in Sweet Valley can capitalism tear lovers apart.

Conveniently, in one of heir classes, they are doing the whole thing where they are paired up in marriages and have to do budgets and shit. Did anyone ever do that in school? I had a home ec class where I baked muffins and sewed a pillow, but that was about it. Well, wouldn’t you know, Michael and maria are paired up there too. They fight a lot about the budget and Michael wants Maria to stay home with the kids and wash his feet and be subserviant.

Meanwhile, in real life, they are having problems. Namely, Michael is a controlling, dominating sexist asshole. Maria wants to tell their parents but Michael doesn’t. Maria is Winston’s campaign manager for PTA representative and Michael is controlling and jealous and forbids her to do it.

Lila throws a surprise engagement party for them but M & M have a big fight in the middle and their parents find out about the party from aother SVH parent. When they arrive to confront their kids, they have a big laugh about their fight, and Maria makes out with Winston. The end.

The best part of this one: The cover. No way in hell these kids are sixteen. It looks like the cover to a shitty romance novel, you know the ones without the sex scenes. Or for an advertisement for Summer’s Eve. Michael looks like Ken Marino (go see The Ten if you can). Those are some serious pleats.

Other thoughts:

This was just overall dreadful.

Wow, apparently the campaign for the PTA rep is really huge, and I have no idea why. At least five people are running and candidates have actual speechwriters. it sounds like a shitty job to me. They have to attend PTA meetings and have no power in student governent. I really don’t get this school.

They do another chapter from the perspective of the adults- namely their parents. It is such bad writing, I can barely read it without cringing.

Winston was actually cute in this one and kind of makes a good boyfriend. I’m glad he gets some in this book.

Did I mention that this one was fucking awful?

My grade: F

Next time: THE EVIL TWIN!

Poll: which is the lesser of evils?

a. being Lila’s maid for a day
b. listening to a story Liz wrote
c. having unprotected sex with Bruce Patman
d. being Jewish in Sweet Valley