Why I’m done with Twilight

I’m about three-fourths done with the book, and I just can’t bring myself to finish it. Don’t get me wrong, I thrive on the awful and horrible. Obviously, that’s the raison d’etre for this whole blog. But for me, the book is a whole new level of bad that I can’t even stomach. The more I read, the more enraged I became at the publishing industry and the English language as a whole. I am sure the immense hype and fangirl-dom didn’t help it either, which only fueled my fire. Jessica and Elizabeth are easy to hate; they are over the top parodies of themselves.  Yea, I know I’m missing out on some magical baseball game that pits vampires against humans, but I’ll take another Liz and Todd breakup over that anyday.

Maybe one day after the apocalypse, my house and books will burn down and magically this book will be saved and I’ll read it as an alternative to the boredom of the impending downfall of humans and I’ll let you know how it is.

For your amusement:
Some crazy fan makes a replica of Bella’s womb.

Twilight Moms: “Fans of the Twilight Series in OUR STAGE of life (whether you’re a mom or not) now have a place where we can gather unashamed of our irrational obsession with vampires and werewolves. We have a place where “our kind” can relate without having to wade through all the teenage Internet code mumbo jumbo like “OMG!!! IMHO Edward is sooo Hawt!!!” (usually a dead giveaway that you should be doing your social studies homework for 3rd period instead of playing on the computer.) FYI, it was a group of 14/15 year olds that “changed” me. However, OUR world of balancing family, work, home, marriage AND…our Twilight obsession is unique, fun, and oh, so very humorous. The personal stories and experiences I’ve heard and read from women all over the world are a blast. YOU LADIES ROCK!!!”

This…just….boggles…my…mind. They are trying to convince themselves that they are “above” all the crazy fandom. Just call it what it is.

Bite Me! Or Don’t. A fantastic article from Bitch magazine about how Stephenie has created a new genre: abstinence porn.

Someone who is more eloquent than I who expresses the reasons for my dislike.  Of course, the backlash on the comments is just as hilarious. “u r a IDIOT!!!
obviously, you don NOT understand 1. single. little. tiny. THING. about love.”

Finally, The Vampire Diaries has been picked up as a tv series. Written by Kevin Williamson. Ugh. Just what we need, another damsel in distress as a role model. With voiceovers and James Van der Beek as Stefan.

For those of you that do enjoy the series, please don’t take this as an affront, this is not meant as an insult to the individuals that read them. I still respect your opinion and if these books give you enjoyment, why not savor that enjoyment?

Twilight, an overanalyzed study guide p. 5

Excepts from Edward Cullen’s Twitter feed through Chapters 13 and 14

sparkleevamp67: (9:08) brb going to take Bella to the middle of nowhere

sparkleevamp67: (12:08) activate sparkle…. she totally digs it

sparkleevamp67: (1:09) god! I just want to rip out her internal organs. she needs to keep me from wanting to kill her. she’s such a tease.

sparkleevamp67: (1:47) told her she is asking for it, wearing that short skirt that shows off those…veins and arteries

sparkleevamp67: (2:30) omg! she just asked me if we can have teh sex! Tee hee

sparkleevamp67: (2:51) duh, doesn’t she know jasper and alice can only do it because their married? for a hundred years? if we do it she will die. just like stds.

sparkleevamp67: (4:05)ok time to go home

sparkleevamp67:(4:14) I just took her for a ride on my back, tauntaun  style. chix dig that.

sparkleevamp67: (4:47)we kissed and she was horrible.  i’ll have to make up an excuse as to why we can’t do that again

sparkleevamp67: (7:15) took me back to her house where I can maybe get to 2nd base

sparkleevamp67: (8:37)damn! charlie came home. i’ll have to settle for just watching her sleep again.

sparkleevamp67: (9:12) woops! I accidentally told her I do that every night. but she digs it. this chick is crazy

sparkleevamp67: (9:14) ok she just put on her jammies. Lost my boner a little bit.

sparkleevamp67: (10:15) this chick is great. all she wants to do is talk about me

Twilight, An Overanalyzed Study Guide, Pt. 4

This week’s discussion revolves around secondary characters, and their importance to the story. This week’s assignment was to write a portion of the story from another character’s point of view, and I’ll share here the best essay from the class. It is written from Angela’s viewpoint based on the events of Chapters 8-12.

Ugh, I can’t believe Jessica wants to invite Bella along with us to go dress shopping. That girl really gets on my nerves and I have to really hold back from picking on her, so I’m usually quiet when I’m around her just to tolerate her. I can’t deal with her smugness around her and Edward Cullen. Yea, like she’s the first girl ever to be mesmerized by him. The joke’s on her.

It was almost too hilarious. First Bella wanted to go find a bookstore by herself, apparently because she was too above shopping the whole time with us. She started walking in the wrong direction, toward the docks and Jessica almost stopped her but I hissed at her to shut up. I thought it would be entertaining. And then Edward made his move. YAWN. He’s pulled this one several times, including me three years ago when I moved here from Olympia. The old “damsel in distress” routine where he swoops in like the hero. I had to chuckle. How could anyone fall for that? Then again, Bella was so self-absorbed she wouldn’t even question it that much. Edward will pull the whole “I can read minds thing”.

I can totally imagine it, they go to dinner and he intently asks her questions while she feels special. Ick, I can’t believe I fell for that before! Later on, he will begin to pick her up for school and he will pretend she’s the only thing in the world that matters. I kind of do feel a little bad for Bella, because he is kind of good at it.  I mean, he’s has hundreds of years of practice hitting on teenage girls. What an old perv. Oh yea, the whole vampire schmampire thing. You’d think it would be exciting, but he can’t even turn into a bat or anything, so the excitement wears off in a week. And he uses the whole “I don’t want to hurt you” when I suggested we go a little further than just staring at each other. What a wuss, he was just totally scared.

On Friday she was all pissed because he and his family went “camping” which they try to be all mysterious about, but Edward tries to make it seem like they do this whole dangerous hunting thing. Meanwhile they all just shoot a squirrel and share it, while he and his family sit around and talk about how superior they are.

Jessica tells me that Edward is taking Bella to Seattle on Saturday. I’ll bet that’s when he’ll pull the whole “see me sparkle” trick and Bella will totally fall for it. Idiots.

Twilight: An Overanalyzed Study Guide Pt. 3

This week’s lesson includes learning about the motivation and inspiration of an author. Luckily, we were able to sit down with Stephenie Meyer, the author of the literature we are studying.

Hey Stephenie, thanks for taking the time to talk to us.

No problem. I’m sorry that I am a little groggy because I just woke up. I had the most amazing dream. I dreamt I was in a sorority and there was this fraternity, but the fraternity was made up of those hawt elves like Legolas. And there was this big elvish dance coming up in the underworld, and we were all hoping the elf guys would ask us, and we decided to ask them, and when we did, their hair started to glow rainbow colors and…

Er, um. Okay. Well, I actually wanted to talk about a passage from Twilight that…

Yea, sorry I was late because I had to write all that down. It’s going to be the basis for my next book

Ok, well….  let’s talk about the key scene when Bella is at the beach with the Forks gang and she meets Jacob, who tells her about the Cullen family, and begins to give Bella the idea that they are vampires.

What do you think? Should I do bangs?

Ms. Meyer, I am not sure this has anything to do with…Anyway, Yea, so…how did you prepare for that? What can you say about it?

Oh sorry. So yea. I was chilling out one night, listening to my Evanescence CD for like the 100oth time, and someone told me about this thing called Wikipedia. And I was like, yea, Wicca, I can be into that! That’s like witches, right? I looooved The Craft! Anyway, I saw something about vampires while I was reading the Buffy episode guide, I saw something about Native Americans, and I was like, I should put one in my book. Because, they’re like, really hot. Have you SEEN Last of the Mohicans?

So, it really seems that this set up the background mythology of the Forks vampire clan and actually confirmed to the reader, and Bella, that her suspicions were not unfounded. Why pick this crucial moment to reveal that? And why through this medium?

Hey, do you like this dress? It’s like so romantic. I think Edward would totally fall in love with me if he saw me in this.

Ok, yea, so Ms. Meyer, if we can stick to the topic, because this will be on the exam.

Oh, sorry. Sometimes I just think that Edward is real, and that he takes me to be his vampire bride. And then I think about what I’d wear to the wedding.

Moving on…So I am going to read a passage, and then maybe we can talk about it. This is said by Jacob Black: “There is always a risk for humans to be around the cold ones, even if they’re civilized like this clan was. You never know when they might get too hungry to exist”. What do the cold ones represent? The ills of society? The unconscious part of ourselves we try to deny?

Actually, it’s about the temptation of having sex before marriage, drinking caffeine, and not wearing the correct underwear. I wanted to not write it as that, but use something different to REPRESENT it, you know what I mean? That’s called a metaphor. It’s something writers do.

Oh, yes thank you. I think I have heard of that technique. I’ve read that you have drawn your inspiration for these novels from some classic works. Can you talk about that?

Sure. Well, there’s the classic star-crossed lovers plot, which was inspired by the classic Romeo and Juliet.  You know, based on that movie with Leo and Claire? So classic. Oh, also, I was watching One Tree Hill and thought, Chad Michael Murray would make a hot vampire.

Wow. So, thanks for that…insight. Can’t wait for the elf prom book.

—-

On another note, thanks for all the comments, links, and support for my hatred of Twilight! Getting into the online community discussions about Twilight is like opening a portal to a bottomless, crazy universe, so I don’t want to get into that, but I wanted to give a plug for the lj community twilight_sucks, which is devoted to multiple bashings per day. Also, Kristen Stwewart and Robert Pattison continue to regret being a a part of this mess. Kristen calls the fans “retarded” and both she and Rob looked like they are being forced to attend the premier at gunpoint. You also know hating Twilight is relevant when the New York Times covers it. Also, the always genius South Park is jumping on the bandwagon. Tonight is the premier of “The Ungroundable” in which “Butters is sure he’s seen a vampire at school but he can’t get anyone to listen to him. Meanwhile, the Goth Kids are angry and frustrated when the other kids can’t tell the difference between a Goth and a Vampire.” Hee.

Twilight: An Overanalyzed Study Guide, p. 2

Firstly, 5 reasons why you’ll hate the movie.

This week we have some key scenes from Chapters 3-5 summarized for you, so you don’t have to read it yourself. We are lucky to have Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart do a reading, to give them practice for their upcoming roles.

Lad-i-dah, lad-i-dee, I am just not paying attention in the school parking lot, because I’m so aloof and lost in my thoughts about being stuck in this hick town. Wait, what’s that? It’s a van coming right towards me!

To the rescue! Zap! Zoom! Woosh! I’ll use my my super fast but super secret vampire powers to save you Bella!

Oh my gosh! What happened? Edward, I know I saw you appear before me suddenly, and I’m the only one who saw it because these small-town idiots I go to school with are too stupid to realize anything is unusual until lil ol’ introspective me came along.

Oh Bella, you are such a fucking bitch. I hate you. Wait, I’m flirting with you. Wait, I’m hating you again.

Nothing turns me on better than being treated like shit one minute and nice the next. Have you heard of the behavioral psychology concept of intermittent reinforcement? That’s totally what’s going on here.

At the hospital…

All the unnamed kids at school, whose individual characteristics are too boring to differentiate: Bella, we are here to see if you are all right! We care about you!

Oh, your being here is such an annoyance. Especially since you all treat me so nicely and not like crap.

Oh Bella are you all right? I was so worried.

Dammit Charlie, your weak attempts to show concern do not fit my standards of parenting.

The next day…

Tyler and Mke: Bella, you must come to the dance with us! We love you! You are so amazing!

Ick, why don’t you all leave me alone? How dare you show interest in me, I am all so much better than you. Plus, I only date guys who are mean to me.

Ha, that was really funny! You don’t think for a second I would ask you, right? I have to appear so aloof and scary. Plus, we need to stay away from each other, we shouldn’t be friends. Stay away from me! [That sort of reverse psychology will make her drop her panties in a second.]

Twilight: An Overanalyzed Study Guide, p. 1

Twilight is turning into a cult. I had to see what all the hype is about. My nature is to already hate it, and of course my nature is to rip anything to shreds. My experience thus far is that Twilight fans are rabid, no-mercy maniacs, so I am putting on my web armor for this one. My dream was to create a Cliffs Notes as seen here, but I’ll settle for an academic study guide. Hopefully I will finish this before the movie, which I will most likely see and hate on as well.

Chapters 1 & 2

In which we meet Isabella “Bella” Swan, who makes a large sacrifice to move herself to the small town of Forks, Washington. This sacrifice tells the reader that she is a selfless person, but will probably not let us forget it, because she will probably complain about the town ad nauseum. As a teenager, she feels pity for her father Charlie, who is probably overjoyed at reuniting with his daughter.

Despite being nervous about fitting in at her new school, many of the other students welcome her and pay loots of attention to her, Because Bella still thinks of this place as a small town, she does not appreciate the attention, probably because the students are not attractive enough.

The attractive kids, are the Cullens and the Hale clique, who despite being assholes to Bella, she feels they are the ones worth knowing. In fact, Edward is disgusted by her and begs to be transferred out of her biology class.  This utter lack of disgust only turns Bella on, going against the grain of a healthy sense of self.

When Edward decides she is worthy of talking to, Bella jumps at the chance despite the fact that she is unsure if he is mocking him. In the end, it doesn’t matter because when attractive people pay attention to us, we must always heed their requests.

Discussion questions:

How does Bella’s transformation to a single-parent father household contribute to the overall theme of patriarchy in society?

How does Bella’s displacement to a small town society illustrate the curse of modern sociological-behavioral theory?

What did all the small town hicks in the school do before someone as exciting as Bella came into their lives?

Themes explored: isolation, father-figures, teen angst, teen hormones, the Greenhuse Effect.