The Dairi Burger

It’s pretty obvious that most of the men on LHOTP really bring the fug (‘cept Manly, of course) but Johnny Johnson is so off the grid on the fug. I feel like the plot of For the Love of Johnny Johnson had been repeated about a gazillion times before. Laura falls for a guy, who falls for Mary. Laura gets pissed and Pa and she have a talk, and all is well. Except Laura always did like the older guys. JJ is about 14 and Laura is about, I don’t know, 9? Creepy much? Jason, the scientist guy, was also about 16 when she was about 10 and they go off holding hands in the woods. Creepy!

JJ not only has a face only a mother can love, he has a ridiculous red wig thing on, a stupid hat, and really really really tight overalls. Oy. Who the hell does the casting on this show? Some of the guys are so fug they make Mr. Edwards look like Javier Bardem.

So Laura asks Pa for advice on how to get a guy, and he tells her sexist stuff like “make sure you cook him good food” and basically tells Laura that he originally didn’t have a thing for Caroline, but when she asked him out, he was all what the hell, I’ll get a good meal out of the date. Noyce.

Not particular to this episode, but I have some serious gripes with Casa Ingalls. I know Charles built the place himself with much money, but for god’s sake, would it have killed him to build a wall? Ma and Pa’s bed is basically about three inches from where Ma guts chickens in the kitchen, and the loft is right upstairs. And Ma and Pa ALWAYS talk about issues with the girls when the fricking loft is right above them as if they couldn’t hear! And what about when they want to get a little frisky?

And there is no place to sit except the kitchen table. I am sure Pa could have whipped up an Adironack chair since he is amazing at everything else.

And other thing- the girls and their fucking blue floral dresses that they wear to church or whenever anything fancy comes up. Caroline, seriously, take some time out from your pie baking and cutting off your leg to make them more than one fancy dress.

Little known fact: I am a huuuuuge fan of Little House on the Prairie. If you’ve never watched it, you are so missing out. In fact, I find it to be surprisingly similar to Sweet Valley High. A little too similar! I could write a dissertation on the paralells between the two. Here’s the main similarities.

• The morally superior family that needs to tell everyone how to live their lives and raise their families (The Ingalls/Wakefields)
• Incredibly cheesy love interests (Johnny Johnson/Jason the science guy/Almanzo/Todd)
• Dramatic events happening all the time: kidnapping, death, deception, people going blind
• The rich, obnoxious townsfolk who think their money makes them superior (The Olsesons/The Patmans and Fowlers)
• The idyllic town that anyone who doesn’t live in is missing out (Walnut Grove/Sweet Valley)
• “Guest star” townspeople who are never heard from again after their featured episode (book)
• Nellie Olsen = Jessica Wakefield

Thanks to the wonderful invention of TiVo, I can catch the episodes I love. Much to my joy, the two part “Sylvia” episode was on. You feelin’ me? Have you SEEN this one? It’s totally out of control, and ridiculous. It could be an SVH magna edition.

Sylvia is the new gal in school (why have we not seen her before?) and really fills out her prairie dress, if you know what I mean. The boys, including Albert and Willie, totally get all hot under their suspenders over her, because they are a bunch of horndogs. They sneak over to her house and try to peak at her. Her grouchy father thinks it’s because Sylvia teases them. So does Ms. Olsen. In fact, she calls a fucking school board meeting about it and calls Sylvia a cock tease in front of like, Doc Baker and Mr. Garvey and company. Mrs. Wilder (aka Liz Wakefield) defends her. [Also, I love how Laura went from pigtails in one episode to a neat bun in her hair and now she's the sensible adult.]

So then…we see that some creepy guy is following her around and stalking her, and then one day in the meadow he puts on a mime mask and rapes her! Wow, Little House, you sure you want to go there?

She comes home and tells her father, and he is all “Trollop! Slut!” and tells her not to tell anyone. She freaks out the next day in school when some boy touches her and Doc Baker seems bruises on her body but her father scares the fuck out her so she says she fell.

Albert totally digs the post-traumatic syndrome and he and Sylvia start going out. [You know people are in love on LHOTP when they carve initials in a tree.] There’s this hilarious scene where the water is in the background and there is a closeup of he and Sylvia coming in slo mo towards each other, then a close-mouthed kiss. So horrid.

Oh, but wait! Sylvia collapses and school because she is preggers! Everone thinks it’s Albert! They decide to elope! Her father tries to send her away! He is punishing her for being raped! Btw, Albert is super fug as a teenager. In fact, most people on this show are quite unattractive. The exception being Alamonzo Wilder- what a bod!

So finally they decide to run away and elope and Sylvia hides in a barn while Albert gets supplies. Meanwhile, weird rapist comes after her and she runs up a latter, but the father shoots him. Sylvia falls of the ladder, and dies…but like four hours later. It’s all very tragic. And scandalous. When I saw this at age eight I was seriously confused. I think I still am.

Hmmmm, if people are game, I may write more about Little House, because there is much drama that happens down by Plum Creek.