…is not the name of my nu-metal band, but basically what happens in our final installment of the Caitlin series. Yes, for nine books, we’ve seen our beloved Caitlin go from a spoiled boarding school brat, to a missionary saving children from the horror of coal mining, modeling, running a business, and evil lawyers. And though we get a whole book detailing Caitlin’s nauseating brie-and-wine picnics with the evil Julian, this last books seems to skim through the most important aspects of her life.
Anyway…hit it, Rick!
Caitlin is back at Ryan manor, after deciding to take over Ryan Mining. Jed has decided to move there too and they will start a business breeding thoroughbreds. Ugh. So in other words, fuck you, poor people. We buy expensive horses to make more expensive horses. How’s that welfare? Oh but of course they are not staying in the same room! They are not married yet! Plus, Caitlin is still president of the company, which means putting on stylish silk pantsuits and signing documents.
Caitlin and Jed decide to go to a horse auction to start their plantation of animal slaves. They find the horse of their dreams, named Magic Man, but they have to bid on it, and they bid one million fucking dollars. I guess those kids at the summer camp at the mining town don’t need that money. Better yet, instead of having the animal continually raped so they can make money, they decide that they are also going to train the horse to be a racing horse! How awesome! And before you tell me to get off my soap box about animal rights and how these horses like it because they are born to run, let’s just remember that horse who won the Kentucky Derby last year who was shot immediately after because its ankles were broken. FROM RACING.
Oh, can I mention that all the serving staff at Ryan Manor are still there? It’s easy for me to judge those with live in help, but is it fucking necessary? Jeeves the driver/butler whoever has to sit around all day waiting until Caitlin decides she wants to go into town to get her nails done and rush out. And she still has a cook. For two people? because for every meal they need ceviche (I don’t even know what that is, btw) and creme brulee for dessert? Jesus, make your own fucking sandwich Caitlin. Better yet, buy a million dollar horse and kill it and eat it.
So Jed and Caitlin stop fighting for five minutes to have their beautiful fairytale, WASP-y wedding. Then we jump to the next chapter and they are lying on the beach on their honeymoon! What? No fair! Or as Claire Pike would say (nofe air! nofe air!) We don’t get to see their wedding night? I call major bullshit. I mean, I wanted to hear about how Caitlin emerged wearing some cheesy garter thing and the Jed jumps on top of her, grunting and pumping away, and Caitlin laying there like a scared starfish not even understanding that she was supposed to be getting anything out of it. Caitlin tries to say “Jed, I love you baby” but then he says “shut up, I’m almost there!” Perhaps I have thought about these details too much.
Anyway…on their honeymoon in Hawaii, Jed wants to try surfing but Caitlin is dubious because she is afraid that Jed will get hurt. He has a near miss and since I have taken ninth grade English, I can recognize this complicated literary device called foreshadowing. That’s deep. Later on at home, Jed wants to enter a surfing contest at Virginia Beach. Caitlin also finds out that she’s preggers, and debates telling Jed so he won’t try surfing. She refuses because, why should she busy her husband with such womanly things?
Jed wipes out, hits some rocks, or stubs his toe I don’t even remember. He’s rushed to the hospital and he’s paralyzed from the neck down. (Where is Jack Sheppard when you need him?) He doesn’t want Caitlin to stay with him out of pity with himself. But wait, what’s the point of being white, rich and WASP-y if you can’t use your connections? Dr. Westlake, Caitlin’s inappropriately-affectionate father, knows of a doctor doing some ground-breaking spinal surgery who can save Jed. But it’s…evil Julian! Class, that’s called irony. Kind of like when Friends was funny and Joey got fired from his soap opera gig as a brain surgeon and his character was thrown down an elevator shaft, and “the only person that could save me…was me. I guess that’s supposed to be some sort of irony or something.”
So in order to convince Jed to get the surgery (apparently he’s scheduled for the next day, fuck all those people on the waiting list. They’re probably deemed too ugly to get the surgery) Caitlin tells him about his spawn-to-be. Jed agrees to do the surgery, but if it doesn’t work he tells Caitlin, he will annul their marriage and “there will be no baby”. What? Is he going to hire someone to run after Caitlin with a wire coat hanger? Was that over the line?
Oh yea, Julian Stokes has changed, Jed heals, and like two weeks later he’s walking around Ryan Acres with their perfect little baby. Caitlin gets another horse and Magic Man wins a race. Julian and Caitlin’s friend Ginny gets engaged, and so do Melanie (Jed’s sister) and Caitlin’s lawyer. They toast to their future. A future of boring dinner parties and antique shopping.
Ok, is it time to talk about Caitlin’s wedding attire? I like how her veil is made to show off her teased bangs. And is that Jed or her father?
On another note, thanks to everyone who alerted me to the news about Sweet Valley Confidential. Sure, I am excited, but I’m not going to believe it until I see it.
[CAITLIN]Oh, my life is wonderful. Here I am looking out from the balcony from my huge mansion at my engagement party. My life is perfect. My servants spent hours making the hoer d’oeuvres, the imported Tiki lamps cost more than what it would feed a family of three, my taffeta blue dress was custom made for me. And I am marrying my high school sweetheart, Jed. Never mind that most of the time I am with him we are fighting or he breaks up with me over suspicion of cheating, it’s love!
[MELANIE] Wow, I’m all growns up! No more am I Jed’s lil sis, I am a lady of the world. Hey, look, there;s Laurence Baxter, someone Caitlin used to date and who she set me up in New York with!
Hey little lady, you look all grown up! Let’s have a grown up conversation and a grown up date where you come back to my place!
[JED] Dayum Caitlin, I know this is your grandmother’s funeral, but you look super smokin’ in that sophisticated black dress. Also, I’m worried that you will want to stay in Virginia forever and not in New York with me, like I wanted. Remember, your needs don’t count as much as mine. I want you in the same city as me so I can treat you like crap in person.
[HOWARD] Hey there! I’m the big-shot lawyer your father hired for you to take care of whoever is trying to bring down Ryan Mining! Did you know that your stock has been going down fast?
[COLIN WOLMAN]: Damn that Caitlin! It’s been a few years since she found out my scam to get her grandmother’s money, but I am still harboring on it because Caitlin is just so damn pretty and important not to obsess over.
[EVIL HENCHMAN]: Hey guy. You got the money? I’m ready to burn this gal’s barn down. I gotta know, what’s the reason?
[sexily] Neigh! Neigh!
