The Dairi Burger

A few months ago, Stuff White People Like exploded onto the web, and for a while it was a really great satire that actually had some sociological insights. Lately, it is just posts about the author’s appearances and the release of his book at Urban Outfitters. On another note, Dawn used to be my favorite BSC member. She had a haunted passage in her house y’all, and lonmg blond hair. And was so unique! Reading them now, as so many others of you have pointed out, she’s kind of a holier-than-thou pain in the ass. And very, very, white. Let’s see how!

• Organic Foods: Tofu and sprouts sandwich anyone?
• Having black friends: Jessi is black, you know.
• Living by the Water: Wait, Dawn, I forgot which coast you are from- east or west? I always forget.
• Sweaters: I am sure she has some nubby hippie sweaters.
• Hummus: But Claudia thinks it looks like baby poop

and…

• Knowing what’s best for poor people!

When the poor children of the Zuni tribe of New Mexico are in trouble, it’s Dawn who knows what they need! It’s Dawn who will gather together the supplies they need to survive! It’s Dawn who will find an excuse to spend a whole night with children!

So, Dawn is sitting for the Pikes and she finds that the elementary school has pen pals in New Mexico, and are in a Native American tribe. Why so? To learn about other cultures? I’;; bet Connecticut suburbanites are the ones that need to be studied. Get this- Dawn is JEALOUS. And wishes her school was doing something like that. Really Dawn?

Then, BAM! The kids hear that a fire destroyed their school and some of the town, some people lost their houses and belongings. Dawn decides- how can she make this about HER? How can she fill the void in her heart that can only be filled by a school-aged pen pal? Why, it’s to create a town wide fundraiser! And she gets to organize it all! She even calls the teachers of the elementary school to get involved. Not only do they say yes, but they let Dawn take the lead!

Dawn gets to miss school to go over to the elementary school and make an announcement at the assemby. She practically creams herself at the thought of being the center of attention among six year olds. They start a clothing and items of drive…of course in DAWNS BARN. So she can be involved in every moment.

Gee, how can Dawn appear to be more of a martyr and take up her time with children? Well, have a sleepover with all the kids, of course! They’ll have people donate all the supplies (instead of donating it directly to the Zuni children? I don’t get it). It is to reward the kids who raised the money for the students in New Mexico. Because how else can you say “hey, you have a burned charred pile for a house, but we are fortunate enough to be able to stuff our faces with caramel popcorn all night”. Kids pee their pants and throw up from too much food, but it’s all good fun!

Of course, the teachers of the elementary school agree and love it and volunteer to chaperone. Oh, and to let Dawn and the BSC take charge of it. My parents were both teacher and like hell they would have checked with their union first before doing this. Oh noes! Drama! The pizza guy might not have enough pizzas to feed all the kids! Drama over. He’ll use whole wheat crust. Dawn is a smug panda for forcing the kids to eat “healthy” food.

Claudia? Is that you?

BONUS! Claudia outfit: “She walked into school today wearing a bright yellow, oversize man’s jacket with rolled up sleeves; a wide paisley tie straight out of the 1960s; orange stirrup pants,; ankle boots; and huge hoop earrings- and you know what? On her, it looked cool.

I had many pen pals in my day. My favorite was named Cathy, and I loved her letters. That’s because she spun a lot of bullshit. Apparently she was dating a twenty year old (we were twelve at the time) and had lots of drama with her friends that sounded eerily familiar to plots of Sweet Valley High books. She sent me a picture and she was wearing jelly shoes over lacy ankle socks.

[photo from Dibbly-Fresh]

Dear Mary Anne,

Hey there, just checking in with you because things don’t seem right with you. I remember you as a sheltered girl who one day takes a stand against her father for her independence. When Jenny Presioso was ill, you totally took charge. I remember feeling like I was right there with you through those awkward times when you first met Logan. And you wore a skirt with the words “London, Paris and New York” on it, and you were my fashion goddess. And oh my god, when you had to be mother’s helpers with that ditz Stacey? That must have been annoying. But you handled it with aplomb and maturity.

Lately things have been off. Let’s start with this baby fetish thing. What thirteen year old is that obsessed with babies? And are you really going to keep pressuring your parents to have one? Don’t you realize that it essentially means that you are asking them to have lots of sex? Maybe you’ve been baby-sitting too much. Perhaps you should try something more age-appropriate. Like getting high under the bleachers and letting Logan dry hump you in his rumpus room.

And this project for your modern living class? The egg-baby thing? You are really taking this too seriously. It’s just an egg Mary Anne, you don’t have to pretend to breast-feed it every hour. And the fact that you are MAD that Logan won’t let you spend time with it is really…well, annoying. Just stick it in the fridge for the night and be done with it. Did you really have to take it with you on your movie date with Logan? Just leave it at home. Really, does anyone need to know?

I am glad that that totally useless cliched teen plot device made you realize how hard it is to be a parent and that it prompted you to appreciate your parents more. heck, if I were your dad and had to put up with Sharon’s ecstasy-fueled episodes and Dawn’s holier-than-thou speeches about health food, I’d want a little appreciation too.

Maybe you are getting annoyed at the fact that you’ve been in the eighth grade for 14 years, or that you are stuck with that annoying brat Kristy as a best friend, or the fact that sex does not exist in your world, but come on, where’s the Mary Anne that I remember? I miss her.

Love,

the world

I don’t have this one in front of me right now, but I know I read the shit out of it. Stoneybrook is jumping on the JonBenet Ramsey trend and having a Little Miss Stoneybrook pageant. And the kids get the fever! The girls anyway. Instead of spending their free time getting felt up at the mall and doing meth behind the TGIFriday’s like all the normal thirteen year olds, they decide to coach the kids for the pageant.

This also gives the all opportunities to compete with each other and make themselves feel bad about each other and living out some sort of sick fantasy vicariously through these kids. Dawn the big feminist caves in her principles. I am not sure who coaches who, but I know that Charlotte Johannson is totally scared but Stacey forces her to do it and she recites some story while wearing a shitty costume, right? What the point of forcing her to do it? And Claire or Margo or one of those younger Pike brats peels a banana with her feet while reciting a poem. I’m sure Karen was in it and acted super bratty but everyone thought it was adorable.

One of the kids is good, and there’s some wunderkind named Sabrina that takes it home. And the gals make up at the end and claim they are glad it’s over. Yea, like the kids’ parents forced the BSC to coach their kids in the pageant.

Speaking of the BSC, I was sick the other day so I layed around and watched Mary Poppins, which is a fantastic thing to do when you are sick. But of course as soon as I started watching it what came to mind was “this is Stacey’s favorite movie.” Sometimes I hate myself.

This post was really a ruse to talk about my third favorite cultural phenomena, child beauty pageants. Yea, we all know they are creepy, but if you want to see one of the most bizarre and depressing things ever (and who wouldn’t?) you must check out the documentary Living Dolls: The Making of a Child Beauty Queen. I don’t think you can get it on DVD, but it is in parts on youtube. Watching Swan Bruner force that creepy pageant smile to please her mother is the saddest sight I’ve ever seen. Even creepier is this “pro-am” thing that the kids do when they are modeling their sportswear. Kind of a spastic dance-walk thing. I hear Leslie Butler, another contestant, is doing porn. Raise your hand if you are surprised.

Also, VH1 did a special called Little Beauties, and it is just as fantastic. Note Kynndey, who has the face and body of a 22 year old. Scary.

The scariest thing about this: it was released when I was a senior in college. Ann, can we please advance these students past the eighth grade? This is the series that was birthed after the end of the original series, after Dawn moved back to Calfornia and got angsty, and Mal and Jessie got lost in the secret passage, Abby peaced out, and then…the barn house burned down!

Maryanne is becoming all feminist and shit, and wants to think for herself. Logan always makes the decisions for her. Well, MA, when you run home crying because your shoe flies off at a dance, someone might take you for a pushover.

MA talks about her relationship with Logan like she’s 38. Finally it takes the magical teachings of the contractor fixing up the barn to tell MA that she’s her own person.

For a bit, MA thinks Logan is hitting on Kristy. Shyah right.

Why in the hell can’t they advance a year? Are we supposed to believe that Stacy moved back and forth from NY to CT about eight times, Dawn and MA’s parents fell in love and got married, Ms. Brewer adopted a foreign baby, and the club took like 10 vacations all in a year. What’s more is that MA actually mentions that it’s currently October. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?

At least there was less baby-sitting in this one. You know what? I actually missed it. With the dumb handwritten entries. At least I am a purist.

Whoa! My eyes! A forest green cardigan with an olive green skirt! It’s like she dressed like baby puke. The look on the little girl’s face is painful. What the hell did she do to deserve those looks of utter disappointment and punishment? Try to steal the rhino bones?

So lots of other retro YA blogs have pointed out Stacey’s shitty attitude, and remembering this book, it totally makes sense. She invites the gang in New York and then gets annoyed at them the whole time, because they are not “New York cool” enough.  And conveniently there are children running the streets who are in need of babysitters. Well, what an opportunity for the BSC! Because even on vacation, they need to babysit. Although, I do get this one confused with the Super Special where they go to New York.

I remember how Stacy was all hot shit about living in New York, but from what I remember just hung out at Bloomingdale’s and like, the Empire State Building. Really, nothing that actual New Yorkers do. I mean she is a kid, but even city kids have a clue about the real New York. Although I do remember her taking cabs around the city by herself. Like it was the most normal thing ever. At thirteen? I don’t know about that. Although, back in the eighties, New York was still pretty dangerous, so the subways were probably worse. (Now NYC is one big Bed, Bath and Beyond, so I can see it happening now). I also recall there being a homeless woman that lived outside her apartment building, and she treated it as just another quaint feature about living in New York. Like her fucking purpose is to remind Stacey that she lives in New York.

Oh yea, and Laine Cummings was a holier than thou friend because she got mad when Stacy wet the bed once and she has permed hair. And lives in the Dakota. Which, as we are reminded almost as much as we are told Jessi is Black, is where Rosemanry’s Baby was filmed.

I don’t even remember how it ends, I guess they all make up and Kristy says some gross comment about food and they all have a good laugh over it.

Wow, after I stopped reading the series, the BSC got really cranky and was more interested in cutting each other down. I just read this one for the first time, because you know my feelings about super specials. What a mess.

So SMS is putting on a play- Peter Pan, and it’s really a district-wide thing, because kids from the high school and elementary school are also auditioning. Because the producer, Mr. Cheney, must be on crack. Because putting on a play with lots of little kids is a good idea. Chya. BUT of course that allows the BSC to further hang out with little kids in their free time, which we know they love to do.

I don’t know who Watson paid off or Kristy’s Mom slept with, because Kristy has the lead as Peter Pan and Karen and David Michael get major roles. Karen is the most spoiled brat on the planet. She throws a temper tantrum because she wants to play Tinkerbell in the human form and wear a fairy costume, and the school gives in. And THEN she screams she wants fairy dust. Oh, dear god, how I hate this child.

Jessi is so sure that she will get the role of Peter Pan and is overconfident and then is bitchy to everyone when she gets a small part. Eventually Mr. Cheney makes her assistant choreographer, because it’s a genius idea for an eleven year old to be in charge of that. When Jessi sees that she is not listed as “assistant producer” in the program, she takes her name out. She is really a bitter brat almost on the Karen level. Jessi is black, btw.

Mary Anne of course doesn’t want a part, but she hangs out with the kids anyway so Mr. Cheney makes her the “backstage babysitter” so of course Mary Anne foams at the mouth and is all proud to work for free. In fact, she gets pissed when Mallory tries to talk to her OWN brothers and sisters, who are all conveniently in the play as well and MA gets all huffy and is all, “I’M the backstage babysitter, so fuck off Mallory.” Geez, the older members still get a kick of acting superior over their “junior members.”

Mal’s plot is that she is the assistant costume whatever, and is embarassed to take the boys’ measurements. Thrilling.

Logan is a pirate and acts like a tool and gets kicked out of the play but then asked back. He gets a chapter from his perspective, and thank god it wasn’t written with his southern accent, which the writer usually likes to express phonetically.

Claudia’s painting scenery and is afraid it will fall over. Again, thrilling.

Stacey is dating Sam Thomas and is pissed he never introduces her to his high school friends. She and Sam are cast as Mr. And Mrs. Darling and she is all embarassed when Sam loves to joke about them being married. Shut up Stacey, you got what you wanted, why are you so pissed. Sam, in his chapter, describes Stacey as “gorgeous, sophisticated, and popular” when in fact she is not so popular because she only hangs out with the BSC (until she grows some ovaries later on in the series). So really, by that theory, Kristy is as popular as Stacey.

Jackie Rodowsly is cast as the youngest Darling child, and of course hilarity ensues when he falls all over the place. THEN WHY CAST HIM? Although, I always felt bad for Jackie, he seems like a sweet kid but the BSC hate all over him.

Cokie gets a chapter! I have to say, I am with her in her mocking of the BSC, they are pretty lame, cliquey…AND LOVE TO HANG OUT WITH LITTLE KIDS! I wish she had her own series. She plays Tiger Lilly and gets annoyed when Kristy can’t remember her lines, which IS annoying.

Dawn, the hippy drippy California gal, decides that the play is pretty sexist and wants to update it. Of course, none of the BSC support her in this and just bitch at her to say the right lines. Meanwhile, Kristy, try to remember your freaking lines and maybe act GRATEFUL that you got the lead. I think Kristy and Dawn still have that tension over sharing MA as a bff. Is MA really worth it?

‘Member how the Super Specials have illustrations? And how the girls always look really fugly? They also never have them in fun outfits, like they talk about. And they give Mallory hideous Sally Jesse Raphael glasses. The cover though, is like the most awesome ever. Kristy looks pretty great, actually, and Dawn looks Nicole-Ritchie skinny. Claudia’s outfit- not thrilling. MA looks gorgeous. Logan looks about nine years old.

I can’t deal with all the handwritten stuff, it’s so annoying. Don’t even get me started on Claudia’s stupidosity, but Jessi’s swoopy writing makes me want to gauge my eyes out. Every Super Special has one person requiring others to keep a written account of something, like they give each other fucking homework. Taking a relaxing vacation? Let’s make a mandatory scrapbook. Your friends are missing at sea after a big storm? LET’S MAKE A JOURNAL TO DOCUMENT OUR PAIN! In this one, Jessi gets a job at the SMS newspaper and is writing about people’s experience in the play so she makes everyone submit notes to her.

So maybe it’s a new lens I am looking through, but the BSC seem to be squabbling with each other more than being besties…kinda burst my bubble when I used to read these and dream one day to have a group of friends like the BSC. And I wish that Jessi and Mallory would step up and tell the older members to stop treating them like children…but oh wait, they are.

Hey, remember those episodes of Head of the Class where they would put on the musical? And the cast consisted of basically ONLY the students from the one class and no one else in the school was in it? This is like it. Besides the BSC, and all the kids they sit for, there are like, five people not BSC-related. What is this, an episode of Saved By the Bell?