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Awesome or awful

22 Sep

Thanks you guys for giving the heads up about Diablo Cody obtaining the rights to Sweet Valley High. I was going to get my panties all in a twist because Diablo Cody is severely overrated, but:

  • obtaining the rights to something doesn’t mean shit. The rights to Watchmen were obtained 15 years ago. The new Superman movie was in development for ten. There was even some talk about there being a Broadway show based on SVH, but that never happened. I’ll believe it when I see it.
  • How would any studio even pick this up? We already have Mean Girls, Gossip Girl, and all that other stuff. Another story about privileged teens doesn’t seem like it would sell. Hey, unless you add some vampires to it!
  • The one way this could be totally awesome is if it was filmed in insane camp style like The Brady Bunch movies which totally makes fun of the original source. But I don’t see that happening.
  • You already know my casting advice. Malin Ackerman as the twins, Sasha Grey as Lila, Chris Carmack as Bruce.

Whit Stillman would love Sweet Valley High.

27 Aug

I’ve purposely tried to stay away from posting about current films and movies, because once I open that can of worms, I’ll post everyday about some sci fi stuff I want you to watch. However, I am rejoicing because The Last Days of Disco is finally being released on dvd! Hallelujah! This was in the theaters for about five seconds in 1998. It’s the third film by Whit Stillman, who makes movies about rich white hip people that love to hear themselves talk. It’s like Bret Easton Ellis without the extreme violence. And it is fucking fantastic! I think folks here would love it because he captures the 80s so well!

I don’t know why his films captivate me so much. They have no morals, not much plot, and involve people that incredibly self-absorbed. It’s what Sweet Valley High COULD be if the ghostwriters were competent. You’ll either love or hate the characters. If anything, you will love the 80s fashion! Chloe totally rocks the sequin tube top.

TLDOD (as us superfans call it) is his third film. The one before this is Barcelona, which was enjoyable, but not quite as super fucking fantastic as his first film, Metropolitan; A kid from the Upper East Side home on break from college accidentally gets swept into the world of New York Socialites. I’m pretty sure Cecily Vonwhatevs ripped off Metropolitan when  she wrote Gossip Girl.

Wanna LARP?

15 May

Because I want to waste more time, I’ve created a Lila Fowler account on Twitter. Please feel free to follow, and if anyone else wanted to create a character account, it can be kinda fun….

Heads up, I’m also going to be recapping The Bachelorette when it premiers next week.

Self pro-mo

7 Apr

I can’t believe The Hills is still on. And that I’m watching it. Please comment over on the site!

Bizarre Love Triangle

3 Mar

It was the most! shocking! finale! ever!

The Bachelor: A Play in One act

17 Feb

Otherwise known as I am ashamed to be hetereosexual.

If you like what you read, please comment on the film.com site.

Also, Jason=Todd Wilkins?

Hector loves Jesus!

10 Feb

Check out Jason on his hometown dates. Melissa’s parents had too much dignity than appear on this farce.

Nicknamed “Lips”

22 Jan

Whenever I hit a thriftstore, I always am on the lookout for old YA lit or old toys. I got a bargain on this gem for 50 cents. Remember it?

If not, let me refresh your memory. You pick your dream boy out of the boyfriend cards and your friends have to guess what qualities you look for. However, the person that owned this game took all the boyfriend cards! Alas, we still have the guys on the cover.

The obligatory captain of the football team. Who looks a lot like my brother, so that’s kind of weird.

Huh? His lips look kind of pale and crusty. If this was a girl, her nickname would be “whore”.

Nothing like promoting little girls to be gold diggers. Is his family millionaires? Did he make his own millions selling lemonade? Could these be the whitest guys you’ve ever seen?

I totally see the appeal for girls, but again, it is promoting this SVH-ish idea of getting a hot boyfriend is “winning” and the best boyfriend is the rich, popular one. Where’s the goth guy? And the indie emo guy? Do all girls really go for the captain of the football team these days?

But this does not even begin to rival the craptastica Girl Talk Dateline. The goal is to match up a girl and a boy, shove the two plastic pieces into a fake phone, which activates a tape-recorded phone call of the guy calling the girl and sometimes he gets rejected when she says she’s “washing her hair”. Yay for heterosexism!

My best friend and I thought Tanya was the coolest evs.

Drew scares me.

Of course, god forbid you are caught with the nerds!

Homer is kind of hipster looking. And I totally dig guys into computers. Of course, Gert is a nerd because she has GLASSES! Oh the horror! She looks kind of like Lynne Henry, am I right?

I couldn’t resist.

19 Jan

narcissim1

condescention

Created from here.

Graph Jam

12 Dec

I spend lots of my time on Graph Jam and spent half my workday doing these. Super fun, especially with the graph builder.

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

funny pictures
moar funny pictures

Election Day Special

4 Nov

I don’t really need to remind you all to vote today, because if you are on Facebook, you’ve already received about a thousand annoying applications asking you to do so. Also to remind you that The Dairi Burger does not endorse a particulaur candidate, do what you want and don’t be afraid to vote for third party candidates! Okay, now I’m getting a bit political. Anyhow, the Sweet Valley City Council race is pretty heated this year, and there’s been a record number of candidates! Here are some of the platforms that are causing a stir.

  • Mr. Bacon want to bring back segregation
  • Mr. Collins wantw more funding for afterschool program and to lower the age of consent
  • Mrs. Wakefield wants to give more funding to police to curb kidnapping, psychotic murderers and cults in Sweet Valley
  • Ms. Whitman wants more funding for sex ed in the schools
  • Mr. Patman wants to lower taxes on the rich
  • Ms. McKay wants to legalize same-sex marriage
  • Mr. Martin is running for re-election as the town drunk

And, to top it off, Liz is offering any candidates her services as a speechwriter. And Jessica has offered up the cheerleaders to do a car wash fundraiser to help her father’s campaign! Lila will fund any campaign that will promise her a $150,000 wardrobe allowance.

The Worst YA Boyfriends, Pt. 2

26 Oct

Check out Part 1. I feel that these top five are pretty obvious.

5.Kurt from Sunset Island. Waaaahhhhhh, he’s working class, it’s sooo haaard being on this Island with all these rich tourists,when I had to work for a living, waaaaahhh, they don’t appreciate it, so I’m going to date one of the richest on the island and then throw it in her face all the time. And pressure her to get married. And seriously? The fights with Emma rival the Liz/Todd fights. Who would play him? Jason Priestly and his denim shirts:

4. Bruce Patman, Sweet Valley High. Well, his yuppy Republican charm sometimes gets through to me, but there’s no way we can forgive him for trying to take advantage of Liz while she was in her coma-induced slut phase. That, and the way he wears sweaters tied around his shoulders. Who would play him?


A young John Barrowman.

3.Mars from Pen Pals. Shanon’s pen pal was the goofy one. Firstly, he called himself mars, so there’s that, and he just tried way to hard to be goofy. He invented a pen holder, which was a handle to attach to a pen. I hate him. Who would play him?

Dustin Diamond.

2. Jed from the Caitlin series. Well, attempted sexual assualt is kind of an automatic guarantee to get on this list. But okay, we get it. You’re from Montana, You’re rugged and likem ranching. And you never really have anything interesting to say. Who would play him?

Anotnia Sabato, Jr. in underwear.

1. Todd “Wizzer” Wilkins from Sweet Valley High. Do I even have to justify it? The salty sweet kisses, the bad lovey dovey talk, the fighting, the cheating, the punching. And the fact he dates Liz. Who would play him?

C.Thomas Howell!

Alternative option: a giant douche.

Open -ended survey: Who did I miss on this list?

Best YA Boy Toys, Part One

10 Sep

I’m getting ready to move, and my book collection is all packed, so I can’t read anything this week. So, I’ll combine my two favorite things: countdown lists and horndogging on male celebs.

Best YA Boy Toys, Part one:

10. Jeffrey French, Sweet Valley High; okay, so he makes it on this list from sheer comparison. He’s not as annoying as Todd, he and Liz fight about 2% less, and he actually has some valid interests (photography) and can be rational when Liz gets mad at him. I’m kind of ignoring the whole situation when he reinvented himself as DJ Jazzy Jeff.

Celeb who would play him:

MPG!

9. Pete Stone, Sleepover Friends; feeling kind of weird having a fifth grader on here, but it’s not like I said “hottest boys” or something like that. Pete was man enough to talk to girls like real people and be cool with talking to them. He did have a fling with Jenny Carlin, but then went back to liking Lauren again. No idea why, she’s got zero personality.

Celeb who would play him:

Cody Linley! Holy shit why do I know who this person is!

8. Trevor Sandbourne, Baby-Sitters Club. We don’t really know much about him, but with a name like that, how can you go wrong? He took Claudia to a couple of dances, but I think early on he prank-called her. Oh well.

Celeb who would play him:

One of the Jonas Brothers. I think he’s the oldest.

7. Ernie from Breaking Up With Ernie. This book is kind of obscure, but it’s about this girl who finds her boyfriend Ernie so annoying, she tries everything to break up with him, only to find when he breaks up with her, she wants him back. Supposed to be slapstick, came off more as the gal’s a beyotch and Ernie is just lovable.

Who would play him:

Seth Rogan (xoxoxoxo)

6. Damien from The Vampire Diaries, because he’s the bad guy and way more exciting than that boring Eurotrash Stefan. At least he did something about the gal he wanted, instead of mopey Stefan.

Who would play him:

Louis Garrel: ooh la la!

Stay tuned for the top 5!

shameless self promotion

15 Aug

So I’ll be doing recaps of The Hills for Film.com, check out my first piece on a wrapup of last season. Damn, the show is so easy to hate on. It’s like it was made to be snarked. Please make sure you register on film.com and leave lots of comments on there! The Hills is kind of a modern version of Sweet Valley High, except everyone is a Lila or Jessica. Stay tuned for more, and be sure to read the TV section of that site, I hear the editor is quite a fantastic gal.

Oh, and you can check this out too. Who ever thought I’d write something for a love & relationship site?

great find

24 Jul

SVH is now for hipsters…thanks Jessica for pointing out this website for Alternative Clothing (an American Apparel copycat, I believe). Sadly, I can also identify the book: Boy Trouble, where something goes on with Patti Gilbert, one of the tokens in SVH. Next thing you know, the Cobrasnake will show people wearing color-coordinating barrettes and blue pantsuits.

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