They say girls always want boyfriends who are just like their fathers. In this case, Katie takes that very literally.

I gave this series another shot. Seriously, for gals who are supposed to have such an exciting life,…my Saturday nights spent talking to my cat are more thrilling.

Really, you don’t need to know much. Katie is finally dating Mitch, after six books of him verbally abusing her. Mitch has his own huge loft to himself in Soho I think, because he’s estranged from his family. Katie lives with her parents. I don’t know how this is all going to work out. Mitch and Katie have the typical YA relationship- they don’t talk about much, and Mitch talks in a husky voice and they make out. Once again, angering me because if I read this when it was age-appropriate to read this, it would give me no information about how to act in relationships. God forbid I wanted to ask a guy about his feelings on Operation Desert Storm; real conversations were not to be had with boyfriends unless it was about the relationship. Many seasons of reality dating shows are based on this concept.

Oh, right. Er, um, Katie thinks everything is great with Mitch, until his ex-girlfriend from the sticks, Nikki,  shows up in town and is staying with Mitch until she can get a job. Mitch claims he is helping out a friend, but we gals know that all other females lurking around our men are totally evil predators and must be eradicated. Nikki stole a car and let Mitch take the fall for it, or something dramatic like that. Katie, the insecure gal that she is, is totally jealous and keeps getting mad and Mitch and never gives him time to explain. Just as she is about to go to him to forgive him, she just coincidentally walks into a situation that construes some cheating and gets mad all over again. Seriously, this happens eighty times. All one of them needs to say is “hey, we seem to have a misunderstanding. Let’s have a calm conversation and this will be resolved.” But then we wouldn’t have a series, right?

So Katie’s little sister Jewell decides to investigate for Katie, and makes friends with Nikki to expose her to Mitch. Because someone needed to fill in plot. She catches Nikki shoplifting or something, I don’t know. Meanwhile there is a rather random subplot where Katie’s character on the show seduces one of her teachers. There are crazy right wing protesters against the plot, and Katie’s dad is also furious that Katie is playing the part. WELL POPS YOU SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE YOU EXPLOITED YOUR CHILD AND PUT HER ON TELEVISION. Katie stands up to the writers and makes them rewrite the part so that Katie does the right thing. Aw, morality for the win! Somehow this is parallel to Katie taking a stand about some floozy stealing her man.

Really, All That Glitters? Really? This is the best you can do? A series about child stars could be so much more awesome! Where’s the late nights at Studio 54? The drug addictions?

Shut up shut up shut up. You’re a teen soap opera star and life is hard, wah. Shana is a bigger pain in the ass than Jessica Wakefield. Although, being on the soap opera does seem rather boring. Aren’t their child labor laws? And she mostly does scenes with her grandmother, another famous star. Who, apparently, has switched over from another soap opera just to monitor Shana’s progress. Shana’s grandmother is a slave driver who makes Shana practice all the time. Gee, imagine that? Having to work at your craft.

Also, Shana is dating Mitch, the male lead on the show. I think Mitch is about thirty five years old. They break up near the beginning, and Shana suspects her bff on the show, Katie, who plays Mitch’s love interest, is interested in him. But, Mitch treats Katie like shit and berates her in front of everyone, but Katie can’t help loving him. See, it really is a soap opera! ON SCREEN AND OFF SCREEN!

Meanwhile, Shana gets involved in the hottie guest star, some famous tennis player. She takes him out to impress him at- get this- THE HARD ROCK CAFE! What’s next, the Red Lobster in Times Square? Meanwhile Shana learns that her grandmother is only pushing her for her own good. Also, Shana does have a mother, who apparently just doesn’t want to raise her. So I guess I could give her a break.

The whole time I was reading this inside I was screaming DO THESE GIRLS GO TO SCHOOL? About three-quarters through it was revealed they go to a special school for kids in the biz and is very flexible. Well, that’s convenient.

Someone somewhere commented that they would rather read about the popular, glamorous rich kids when they read teen books instead of the shy regulars, but I disagree. Especially when…her life doesn’t seem to be much fun. Most of the other stars on the show are older and Shana doesn’t even seem to enjoy it.

Also, I had that sweater in about 4 different colors. I got them at G&G at the mall. Did that store even exist? Did I dream it?

I was never totally into sop operas, but for a few months in 1995-1996ish I was way into General Hospital. Mostly because I had an obsession with Steve Burton [who I first fwell in luv with on Out of This World]. There was some pretty kick ass plots and some hotties then. Sonny, the hard gangsta guy, was falling in love with Brenda [Vanessa Marcil] who was just rejected by one of the smokin’ Quartermain brothers. I was also obsessed with the Quartermains because they were rich and cocky bastards. Well, Jack Burton was the nice one.  Rena Sofer played a manager to a guy who was a rock star in his secret life, and an accountant by day and poor Rena Sofer didn’t know that. [He was the middle-aged male Hannah Montana].

This is a recent picture. Are they still on the show? Just make out already.

The other thing that was pretty kick-ass is that each year the hospital would put on a benefit and the characters would put on a hokey variety show. And it would last all week. Lucy, the town bitch, would host it and wear a different outfit each scene. Robin, the town’s Elizabeth Wakefield, was dating a guy named Stone that I thought was super dreamy but then he died of AIDS. Ruh roh! Also, some mean guy Damien was playing a Dangerous Liaisons type game with the town bitch and played some woman, who turned psycho and tried to kill Damien to get her revenge.

must. find. copy.

I am equally ashamed and impressed with myself that I remember all those plot points.