The real epilogue, part 2

Dana Larson and Lynne Henry continue to collaborate on songwriting, and eventually form an electroclash band called Chix With Bix. They tour small clubs and play late nights at construction sites. Dana, along with RISD grad Claudia Kishi, design their own line of banana clips and bolo ties. I’d tell you what boutiques they are sold in, but you’ve probably never heard of them anyway.

Teddy Collins graduated Sweet Valley High last year, and surprised everyone by eloping with Betsy Martin. Their May-December romance caused quite a stir in Sweet Valley, though for some reason they refuse to consider living anywhere else. They are expecting their third child.

Kelly’s Bar closed several years ago because it could no longer justify its existance by serving only two customers: Rick Andover and Mr. Martin. it is now an Au Bon Pain.

Two years ago, Roger Collins left Sweet Valley High- it was unclear whether it was voluntary or if it was based on a rumored “incident” with a female student. After his departure, Nora Dalton has been advising The Oracle, but readership has gone down since she insists on having everything written in French. Elizabeth, relieved to give up the facade that she’s trying to make it as a journalist in New York City, is only too happy to move back to town and work part-time as the Oracle Adviser. Her controversial approval of the school’s “gossip column” often puts her in a battle of wills against the self-anointed dictator of the PTA, Cara Walker-Wakefield. Which is odd, because Cara has no children in the Sweet Valley Unified School District. Although she often mentions a “Steven Junior” which no one can see but her. Elizabeth also accepted a job back at the Sweet Valley News, as the special correspondent for murders and kidnappings.

Amy Sutton met a man who lived at the former “Good Friends” house. After a whirlwind two-day courtship, she moved with him to Arizona and is now happily living as wife #9 on a large compound in Colorado City. The prairie dress looks fantastic on her slender frame.

As we all know, Jessica and Todd were happily married.  Three weeks after the wedding, Jessica admitted to having a fling with Jeffrey French, now a photojournalist at the Sweet Valley News. Todd forgave her, until a week later he had a fling with Suzanne Devlin, in town to curate Sweet Valley’s International Film Festival. They have agreed on a trial separation and Jessica moved back into her parents’ split-level, Spanish-tiled home. She is currently working as the Assistant Manager of Lisette’s.

Prince Albert has recently found a new spot in the house he likes to sleep in. He recently switched to wet food to accommodate some lost teeth.

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10 comments

  1. noonelikeslois · April 20, 2011

    Bahahaha gold! Sounds so much more realistic!! I live in Australia, so I think my version may have been slightly different, so if some of my comments don’t make sense, that’s why lol I loved your analogy about old bands re-forming and how disappointing it is to see them when their hey-day is clearly long behind them. I was actually really excited when I bought this book … until i realised it FAILED AT LIFE. Did you notice how many times Jessica said ‘like’? I started counting and got to about 50 within the first few chapeters, then I gave up out of sheer frustration. And the swearing – holy FUCK! I couldn’t believe Francine allowed anyone (especially Elizabeth) to utter profanities. Unfortunately, as with Jessica’s continuous ‘likes’, the description of people being ‘shits’ (eg, Winston and Enid)the novelty wore off. As with the mentions facebook and twitter, most of the profanity seemed to be thrown in as an afterthought.(Although Alice’s screech of “ned! bring out thw fucking cake” on page 231 was priceless.) And all the changed storylines too … Cara moved! Annie proved she wasn’t that easy! Tricia cleaned up her act! Why did Winston have to become a cuntox?? Didn’t Enid change her name to Alexandra at university? Why is she such a bitch? Is it because Elizabeth left her? Plus, why do Aaron Dallas and Jessica hate each other? Does anyone else recall from Sweet Valley Twins that Aaron was Jessica’s ‘sort of’ boyfriend? There’s a line in there somewhere about how they ‘never got along’?? Did she turn him off women for life? Although Steven’s being gay seemed to make sense. (Why is Cara a mad baker? Is it supposed to be a coping mechanism?) And what about Maria the actress turned over-achiever? No mention of her. It would have been funny if some of the senior year chracters had turned up, but as you said, Francince will do what she wanrs. (Did you notice that on the ‘about the author’ page, the attribute the creation of ‘the world of sweet valley’ to Francine. WHAT ABOUT ALL THE GHOST WRITERS WHO WERE LOCKED IN CAGES AND TOLD THEY HAD TO WRITE ALTERNATE PAGES OF THE SAME BOOK IN 24 HOURS FOR FOOD AND WATER?? Saying she created a world rather than a series is a big creepy in a religous-cultish kind of way). The most confusing thing for me is that by the end of the book, Elizabeth and Jessica seem to have swapped personalities. I mean, Elizabeth is the ‘cool’ New Yorker and Jessica is … a small town housewife? I don’t understand how she got the job in marketing or whatever the fuck it was. From the few SVUs I did read, I could never figure out what her major was – or Liz’s too, come to think of it.) I did love that for once, Liz seemed to have guy repellent on or something. She was more self-riteous than ever, though, so she deserves it lol. I can’t believe she could be so high and mighty about Jessica and Todd when she cheated on him countless times and vice versa. It was weird how the post-Sam fling was never mentioned. The Jessica and Todd relationship was fucking stupid. I can’t believe francine actually thought we would fall for it. Jessica should have tried to break into the acting industry, failed and ended up as a porn star or C-list actress. Why the hell does she stay in sweet valley? As for your point about Lila being on ‘the real housewives of beverly hills’, totally agree!! She should have been on the hills or something. Also, why does Elizabeth ‘love’ Bruce after he tried to date-rape her so many times? They HATED each other. Fucking Liz and her condescending sympathy – who turns up at the hospital to comfort an enemy when their parents are dead and dying? Even though it IS Liz and she probably wet herself as she sprinted to the hospital (I didnt notice any reference to the Joshua Fowler Memorial Hospital or whatever it was called), it doesn’t sit right with me. Bruce should have gone on a cocaine bender afterwards, followed by numberous stints in rehab, not become a cheesy douche and Elizabeth’s BFF. I got mildly excited when Winston died, cos I thought someone might have secretly turned into a serial killer, but no. It’s just cos he is as asshole pisshead. (See? If she had kept Melissa Fox in town, we’d have our prime suspect right there). I’m with you, I hate neat endings, but the conclusion to this book was shithouse. It was like Francine got to a certain point and said ‘yeah that’ll do’. All in all, despite the amusement this book brought me, it was hugely disappointing. Please, please, please can you go back to reviewing the moudly oldies?? Then we can all forget about this one was ever publish lol (I was so sad when you announced you were over it – your sense of humour is hysterical and I often re-read your reviews when Im feeling down lol) Good work but can you review the whole book? I know its hugely tedious, but if anyone can make something awful funny, it’s you :-)

    • noonelikeslois · April 20, 2011

      whoops spelling and grammatical errors all over the place – I should have read back before I posted it lol

  2. snappleaddict · April 20, 2011

    This was so much better than the actual book. Was I the only one who was so lost during Sweet Valley Confidential? I couldn’t figure out wtf was going on for the first half of the book. Plus the inconsistencies were driving me nuts.

  3. aubyn · April 20, 2011

    Trust me you were not the only one. It took me a bit to realize they were going back in time to rewrite history to make it fit the new book, which is a complete slap in the face to the folks that were fans and helped the series stay popular so long. That ending is so forced. And I have mentioned this elsewhere, but why did Winston have to become a dickhead and die? Because he saw Jessica and Todd cheat and that is his punishment? How about we keep Winston, he stays nice and people wonder why Todd would be a dick to his lifelong friend? Add some realism to the whole thing.

  4. April · April 20, 2011

    It’s great that you made your own epilogue of SVC. the actual SVC book sucks and it annoys the hell out of me. your epilogue is much better, because I think the epilogue was rushed just so FP can say she wrote the book and have it finished.

  5. SnarkSquad · April 20, 2011

    I just started recapping SVH, and some other books, with a group of friends. I’ve never read any of these series, and my curiosity finally got the better of me and I started poking around other SVH sites.

    I feel like this is just going to be one long, disappointing journey. These were hilarious, though. At least we still have laughter. :)

  6. Deathycat · April 20, 2011

    This is so much better than the real one. I do mourn for Kelly’s though. It was a place I always wanted to visit. ^_^

  7. Lila_Fowler · April 20, 2011

    I love your sense of humor. Which is why I’m hoping someday you will do SVU. I’ve read other blogs on that series, but they can’t rip through it and give it the justice it deserves as you could. I know you’ve retired, but, maybe someday.

  8. Becky · April 20, 2011

    So happy I saw this today! I finally read SVC on Saturday and I’ve been cranky ever since. It was terrible! The plot was both underdeveloped and choppy, while characters were given 3 sentence brush offs.I wish I hadn’t read it.

  9. Pingback: Hold on to your lavalieres: There’s more Sweet Valley Confidential coming your way. | The Dairi Burger

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