Monthly Archives: August 2010

The Dairi Burger will be closed for renovations.

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Wow. I’ve finished my goal of rereading and recapping all the books in the original Sweet Valley High series, including special editions and super thrillers; all the ones before the makeover and the miniseries. And after reaching this goal, it feels like the right time to complete my anthropological experiment, at least for the foreseeable future.

I started this blog at a time when I was very socially isolated and unhappy- so of course I had lots of time to read and recap. Over the past three years, I’ve moved across the country to the Bay Area, started a new career and started a new life for myself. And, believe it or not, find that I have a life outside my home. I’m finding that I want to spend my spare time out of my house and spending time with other people (I know, seriously? Why would I want to do that?)

For over three years, this blog has been a huge part of my life and identity, opened many doors for me, and most importantly, connected me with all the readers, many of you have been with me from the start. The best part of writing this blog is the discussions and laughs I’ve shared with many of you, and the friendships I’ve made with many of you. (Even if we aren’t friends IRL…yet) I’ve found a community of women from all over the world who, simply with the common experience of reading these books, instantly understand each other’s childhood and social development..

I know the whole “schtick” of this blog is to simply snark on the books, and I could just keep doing that, but I have come to a creative end of ideas on how to do that. After 100+ entries, there are just so many ways I can say that Jessica is a sociopath, Liz is condescending, etc., etc. I don’t want to come to the point where writing this blog is a chore and it stops becoming fun for me. However, this blog has really rejuvenated my creative side, and I am looking forward to spending my writing energy working on short fiction and comedy sketches, and of course finally writing the greatest American novel.

My hiatus is not an ending- in a while I may go back to recapping- I’ve got a lot of the later SVH books still on my shelf, and lots of others (Sunfire, Canby Hall). I also promise to post in March about Sweet Valley Confidential, obvs.

Where can you find me in the meantime? Well, this actual blog is not going anywhere [check here to see a full list of reviews] and if I do embark on a new project, or do more recaps, I’ll certainly post it here. And Francine, if you are reading, the open invitation for an interview still stands.

And I’m not ashamed to pimp myself: if you ever want to feature my blog somewhere, have me do a feature or a guest post, give me a fabulous job as a full time blogger, please feel free to contact me. Immediately.

You can also stay connected by:

Emailing me at thedairiburger@gmail.com. I love emails!
Become a fan on Facebook
Checking back here, obvs.
I’ve also setup a google group to email people updates- I promise not to spam you, and you can unsubscribe whenever you want.

Again, I thank everyone for reading- I can’t believe that in three years  my page has been viewed over three million times- it’s beyond amazing and an opportunity that so few get to have. I feel like the hottest girl at the Jungle Prom!

Love,

Robin (aka ihatewheat)

Excuse me while I get self-referential for a bit.

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Thanks Serena for leaving this comment, and it really made me think and want to give a direct response. I really appreciate you posting this- and I don’t know what sort of trouble you could get in (maybe I’d spike your punch with vodka?) and I’ve actually only deleted one comment in this blog’s lifespan…because it contained really hateful and racist language for the sake of being hurtful. And along with all the porn spam. But anyway, essentially:

Because Francine’s publishers are contacting all the Sweet Valley recap blogs and treating them like straightforward “fanpages” (instead of mockery done by critical readers who may remember the series with some fondness as a part of their childhood but aren’t blind to it’s faults) and giving bloggers free swag to give away in contests/asking them to promote her upcoming book…

You guys are gonna lose your edge! Please don’t sell out and cut back on the snark, especially when it comes to the new book (which the majority of first-chapter-readers seem to think is crap…except for people who were invited to meet the publishers — ooh, ahh! – to get a sneak peek and not-so-surprisingly only have positive things to say.)

I understand bloggers may be excited to be in touch with an author/publisher, and get free merch, yada yada. But the danger is that you’ll start thinking, “oh, they’ve been so nice to me…I don’t want to not-be-nice back! I’ll cut them some slack and give their product a more favorable review.”

That is a totally valid and astute observation. I was contacted by St. Martin’s press and asked to link to the Sweet Valley Confidential Website, which I did (and just did again). I wrote back when they asked me and said “Have you actually read my blog? Are you sure you want me to be associated with your product?” She wrote back and essentially said what Serena mentioned- they are considering these blogs as fanpages. To be fair to the publisher, it is their job to promote this book and get publicity- maybe even going with the idea that “any press is good press.” I can see why they are going with the plan to connect with people’s childhood memories instead of social commentary… ultimately, they need to sell books, right?  I’ve also spoken to many people about SVH (I’m often introduced to friends of friends as “someone who blogs about Sweet Valley High”) and most people remember it, but not everyone wants to talk smack about it. Legit. They would rather have it as a piece of childhood nostalgia and not deconstruct it for its social implications. Totally legit, although it does frustrate me. But I’m someone who alienates 85% of the population because I’m always looking at pop culture through a sociological lens instead of “just stop taking everything so seriously….and just enjoy it”. The way I do enjoy things IS looking at it through a critical lens and understanding the social implications. Don’t get me started on Avatar. However, it makes sense for the publisher to go this route because their goal is to sell the book. Which, last I checked, is the goal of a publishing company. So I’m at peace with that.

Did I agree to link to the first Chapter? Sure, because it was of great interest to me and to my readers. Am I grateful that this blog is linked on the website? Sure, but it’s not like it has brought me a plethora of new readership. In fact, to demonstrate my own free will to be critical: wtf is with that “website”? Can it even be called that? St. Martin’s press, please splurge for a web designer. Or a class in Dream Weaver.

Was the first chapter “good”? HELLS NO. It was a living cliche of bad romance novels and trite writing. Did I enjoy it? Yes. In much of the same way I enjoy Dear Sister (not that they are even in the SAME LEAGUE of badness (goodness)). And this opinion had nothing to do with any freebies (I’ve also yet to see any freebies). A “Team Elizabeth” or “Team Jessica” t-shirt which probably doesn’t fit my body type anyhow doesn’t impress me much anyway. I actually think that is trite, overdone marketing idea. I promise you all that I’m still thinking for myself….OR AM I? I mean, I once fell for the allure of a shitty co-op and a hot cult leader from Good Friends after the tragic occurrence of my family making fun of my cooking skills. So, you never know.

And let this be considered an OPEN INVITATION TO FRANCINE PASCAL if she ever was willing to do some sort of interview or something. I’d of course be nice to her as a person (maybe), but feel no hesitation in offering a “critical response” to her life’s work. Francine, BRING IT ON!

Serena, you rock, thanks for bringing this up, and making me think more about my motivations. I am so going to nominate you for Pi Beta Alpha.

Next Post

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Thanks to Sweet Valley Confidential’s tumblr, I was reminded of the awesome commercial for the board game:

Mini-Enid: “Jessica, you stole my boyfriend!”

Mini-Jessica: [Shrug] “Just like in the books! Which is reinforcing that stealing boyfriends and a disregard for any decent behavior towards friends makes me a winner!”

Also, good job on the depiction of the school. And how I pictured the twins. And the school  Students busting down the halls skipping at smiling at all times. Lots of high wasted pants and feathered hair. Gazing into each others eyes over a large popcorn at the movies. High school parties where a card table is set up for  a punch bowl. But wait, why are Liz and Jess both cheerleaders? Didn’t anyone involved with the production of Sweet Valley actually read the books?

Chapter One

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In case you didn’t know, sign up on The Sweet Valley Confidential site, and you will get a (not so) secret link to read Chapter One of the book, coming out in March.

The way I am approaching SVC is similar to the way in which many Star Wars fans approached Episodes I-III. I am happy to have more of the Sweet Valley story fed to me by its creators, but it is not the same canon as the first few. They are Star Wars movies, but they are not STAR WARS movies. It’s too far removed from the originals to be considered part of the series. Similar to Confidential, there has been too much social commentary, too much fandom (and criticism) for it to be considered an “untainted” and a true part of the series.

I am certainly not denouncing St. Martin’s Press or Francine’s choice to write it (did I just defend Francine?). Clearly, I am looking forward to it. I am just considering it a novel based on the characters of Sweet Valley, not a book that continues the series. As we know, the twins are frozen in time, both in our childhood experiences and both because they were juniors in Sweet Valley High for infinite amounts of time (and similarly in college for SVU, and in some weird alternate-universe for the Senior Year series). Wouldn’t advancing them in time totally negate the whole idea that these twins are timeless and really exist not to tell a chronological story, but to be put in differing situations for our own amusement (and snark?) No matter what Francine writes, it can’t change this; this is not her fault. The time and era that the originals came out, and the subsequent nostalgia will forever prevent this from being a true continuation.

But shall we get to the chapter? I want to say….fantastic. Fantastic! Yes, I liked it! I was thinking the worst: Liz waking up in Sweet Valley next to her hunky husband Todd, looking at the Pulitzer prizes for journalism, living right next door to Jessica, and still hanging out with the same exact people she did in high school. ugh. UGH! Can you imagine? But no, Liz has been humbled. She’s moved away from Sweet Valley, IS working in writing, but not at the dream job she suspected she would; she’s at a measly periodical. Guys aren’t falling at her feet. And god, it is so cheesy! And just like a so-good-it’s bad romance novel! And using BEYONCE as the most current cultural reference? It’s so trademark Francine to be out of touch with current pop culture references. The jury is still out on if Francine is in on the joke.

Ok, Ok, there’s the bit about Bruce suddenly being Liz’s best bff. I’m not happy about that. And of course she is having a fight with Jessica. I’ll bet you dinner at Cote D’Or that they are fighting over a guy. Is it Todd? Jeffrey? Ken? Some new character they are throwing in?

We can only just wait until March, I guess.

I get by with a little help from my memes.

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I guess at some point someone at Bantam books suddenly read one of their own SVH books and thought “we still publish these? Really?”  and realized how horrible they are. Someone thought- “we need a new image!”  So they brought some “young hip” consultants  to revamp the SVH books. So, just like Robin Wilson, within a month, we get new fancy new look covers and more schmaltz and intrigue. the new era of SVH- the one that led to the eighteen-book-long miniseries including police, jail, arrests, fighting, tv dating shows, high school gang rivalry, and of course, everyone’s favorite child-murderess. There’s really no way to capture the absurdness of this one, except for having an imaginary conversation with this book and scream at it and also incorporate some of my favorite memes.

Liz and Jess are getting ready to go out one night with their bestest, nicest, genital-less boyfriends when somehow they both come to the conclusion that they haven’t had a school dance in a while.

REALLY? REALLY? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Then they come up with the idea that it should be a JUNGLE prom. And…..that they should get the local non-profit, Environmental Alert, to sponsor it.

For sers, Capt. Picard. HOW WOULD THIS HELP A NON PROFIT ORG? THE MEASLEY TEN BUCKS A TICKET WOULD BARELY COVER THE PRINTER CARTRIDGE COSTS FOR THE OFFICE OF THIS ORG. I’ve worked in non-profits, I know unless you are going to write a check with six zeroes, nothing truly can make that big an impact. AND IF YOU WANT TO HELP THE ENVIRONMENT, DON’T HAVE A DANCE! NO CREPE PAPER AND LEFTOVER FOOD THAT IS WASTEFUL! NO CONSUMERISM FROM BUYING ALL THE CLOTHES!

Later the gang is at a beach party and they CAN’T STOP TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SCHOOL IS. And here is the description of how happenin’ this party is.

DeeDee Gordon and Bill Chase, the drama club president and top surfer, respectively, were doing the twist. Amy Sutton, whose knockout legs looked longer than ever thanks to a hot pink lycra mini-skirt shimmied up to her boyfriend Barry Rork. Tall, well-built Ken Matthews grasped his petite girlfriend, Terri Adams, by the waist; she squealed with delight as he lifted her high over his head. April Dawson and Michael Harris were hopping around, clapping their hands and singing along to the music.

IS THIS REAL LIFE???? REALLY FUCKING CURRENT AND HIP WAY TO DESCRIBE A HIGH SCHOOL PARTY. PEOPLE CLAPPING? NOOOOO!!!!!!!! MY MIND!!!! IT IS BLOWN!!!!

Meanwhile, kids from Big Mesa come by and raid the party, wearing Big Mesa gear. And by raid, I mean, steal the boombox and knock over the table of chips and dip. Big whoop. No big deal. of course Bruce Patman has a roid rage and THREATENS TO WEAR HIS CLUB X JACKET AT THEM. Apparently, it’s an all-out war of the schools…just like twenty books later? Really? DOES ANY EDITOR EVER FUCKING READ THESE THINGS? In the midst of the raid, Bruce spots a beautiful girl who saves him from being trampled, and his boner gets a boner. Don’t even worry about that, because it’s not resolved until the last book of the series and he ends up dumping her to get an over-the-pants hand job from Liz. But whatever.

Even better: at some point, Big Mesa’s newspaper publishes as issue that INSULTS THE ORACLE. OH NO THEY DI’INT!

Oh then something something, Jessica does something to piss of Liz but then makes Liz feels bad for feeling bad for Jessica, and Elizabeth declares she will never fall prey to Jessica’s selfishness again, it’s time to put Liz first! That will last five minutes.

Then someone decides that there should be a prom king and prom queen, BECAUSE THAT WILL HELP THE ENVIRONMENT. And the group likes the idea so much, they will send the prom queen (not the king, mind you) on a trip to Brazil to represent the org and give speeches.

HOW IN THE FUCK DOES THAT HELP? ThE JET FUEL ALONE COULD POWER A WHOLE THIRD WORLD VILLAGE.

Obviously, Jessica is thinking about bikinis and men she could hypnotize with her crusty blond bangs, and Elizabeth is thinking about helping poor Brazilllians start a gossip column in their village. This heat things up, and both girls want to be prom queen. Jessica is mad at Liz because obviously, Jessica is destined to be prom queen and Liz should be aware of that. Um, Jessica,

Liz and Jess fight, and Jessica goes into turbo-sociopath mode. They actually have daily prom committee meetings – because the school decided they would sponsor this- because it is the Wakefields after all-and Jessica never shows up and expects Liz to do all the work. liz knows this, but her nipples get hard when she makes to-do lists, so she can’t resist. Then the twins start campaigning for prom queen against each other, like it’s the only thing that matters. And blah blah blah, fight, fight, boyfriend snuggle, silent treatment, etc. Then Jessica decides to not allow people from Big Mesa because of the rivalry to win her favors. And then does a half-assed attempt at sticking to the theme by giving out “save the rainforest” and if A WHOLE RAINFOREST WAS PROBABLY KILLED TO MAKE THESE BUTTONS.

Liz mopes around because she’s fighting with Jessica, and thinks she should maybe drop out of the prom queen campaign. Her friends convince her she’s still worthy, she keeps protesting and OF COURSE they have to tell her a thousand times that she’s fabulous. Enid does a power point presentation for Liz on why she’s such an awesome friend. Except that liz remains a sad Keanu.

Time to get ready for the prom- the twins, although not speaking to each other, bith picked dresses that match their personality. Jessica chooses a pink, low cut number (to represent her vagina) and Liz picks a froffy blue off the shoulder number (to represent the cold glare of judgement). So how did they look? Let’s find out….

My thoughts:

How does Jessica get her hair so….crusty? And SOMEONE GET HER A FLAT IRON…STAT! And Liz….I just don’t even…

Elizabeth decides to make a prom mini-year book for the prom. Documenting all the pics of them prepping the prom and to…remember the three hours they spent in their high school gym? These kids are the most self-fellating bunch of kids ever.

And thus we have the part where Jessica turns into SOCIOPATH-OTRON 5000 ™. She starts seething at Elizabeth for taking what is RIGHTFULLY HERS. Todd wins prom king and she thinks Liz is a shoe-in. She then sees her dancing with Sam, and luckily, some kid wondered in from a another, more realistic YA novel where they drink, and Liz spikes Liz’s drink with vodka. Liz and Sam get drunk after a few sips and they do the tango and the Charleston (YES THAT HAPPENS). Suddenly Big Mesa raids the gym and everyone runs out to their cars, and Liz and Sam jump in the jeep, and apparently have an alcohol blood level of .98, they crash the van and Jessica and Todd run after them, only to see the jeep turned over and Sam and Liz presumably dead.

WHERE ARE ANY ADULTS/SCHOOL OFFICALS DURING THIS DANCE? GOOD FUCKING LORD.

Meanwhiles, during this time, Lila is seeing a counselor at Project Youth named Nathan because of her traumatic experience with J-Rape Pfeiffer. Who is also a counselor at SVH. Is that ethical? Real-life therapists, please shed some light. What is NOT appropriate is that he calls her “Li” and sees her on the beach and approaches her and wants to hang out with her.

WHAT? One of the first things i did with my new therapist was decide what we would do if we ever saw each other in public (we would not acknowledge each other- that’s how I roll). Lila starts having feelings for Nathan, because of course she’s a damaged, silly woman who will stupidly show misguided affection for the first man that pays attention to her. During the Big Mesa raid, Lila freaks and NATHAN THINKS IT IS A GOOD IDEA TO PULL HER INTO AN EMPTY CLASSROOM SHUT THE DOOR AND ATTEMPT TO EMBRACE HER.

You know what happens in the next few books. The judicial system changes to fit Liz’s needs and Margo drowns children. Double fried-chicken skin butter bacon burgers all around at the Dairi Burger!

In which I Give Away a Prize and also review The Summer of Skinny Dipping

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Glad you all liked the interview with Amanda Howells, I think you are all going to like her book too. And you know I wouldn’t just say that if I didn’t mean it!

I’ll admit, I was very skeptical at first. I figured I had seen it all before: summer vacations, trying to fit in with the “in” crowd, arguing with mothers, summer romances…But familiarity is a comforting thing. The Summer of Skinny Dipping has all these familiar themes, but when it is done this well, familiar can be very satisfying.

The short of it is: Sixteen year-old Mia and her family are staying the summer with her cousin’s family in the Hamptons, just as they have every year since she can remember. Only this time, she comes to fin her cousin/best friend Corinne has changed dramatically. Now interested in running with the “it” crowd, Mia finds it harder to connect with her. At the same time, Mia is finding it harder and harder to be accepted by her mother and dealing with rising tensions between her parents. While staying at the beach, Mia meets and befriends Simon, whose family is renting the house next door. They become friends and later become involved. Simon and Mia connect because of their similar issues with parents, finding their place, and expectations of others around them. And then some other stuff happens, but if I told you, you wouldn’t need to read the book! Oh, and Snape kills Voldemort. Or something like that.

Simple enough right? However, the way Howells portrays these events is really smart and subtle. Things aren’t spelled out, we learn them gradually from Mia’s first person narrative. A lot of what Mia is going through has more depth than your run-of-the-mill coming of age story:

  • Mia is self-conscious, but she’s not a total sack sack of sh*t loser (i.e., Lynne Henry). She is unique- she’s smart and insightful, she likes science, she is just insecure about who she is, due to her high school boyfriend seemingly dumping her for no reason, and her mother constantly giving her “advice” in the hopes to “help her”; As in, which bathing suits would be more slimming on her. Most of the time, she has strong convictions, they just get muddled by insecurities.
  • Mia has never been jealous of her cousin Corinne, who has always been beautiful, talented, cultured, and wealthy. Mia has always just been grateful to have Corinne in her life, because she gets to be in the presence of her wonderful qualities, and Corinne has always given her unconditional friendship. We’ve all had a friend like that (haven’t we?)
  • When Mia firsts meets Simon, it’s not some dumb love-at-first-sight ridiculousness that Jessica Wakefield may have. She doesn’t even find him particularly attractive at first. They become friends and she comes to like him the more they talk about their interests, family and life. Although they get a bit mushy and makey-outy when they first get together, they do actually still have real conversations with each other. This is something that id often missing from teen romances (especially all the bs vampire romance stuff). I know I’ve mentioned before how the lack of meaningful conversations between dating couples has been one of my biggest beefs with SVH writing.
  • The author does an amazing job of conveying a feeling that prevails throughout teen-hood and never really goes away (at least for me); the desire to be accepted by the group you are not a part of, despite not even liking them. Mia is fully aware that her cousin and her friends are shallow, mean, and actually all not that interesting. yet shew still yearns for those fleeting moments of acceptance. Mia’s mother is super critical and wants Mia to be more into glamour and performance; despite Mia knowing that is not what she is interested in, she can’t help but wish she could be more like that to get her mother’s acceptance. It seems to be a simple enough concept, but I have seen many of past and recent young adult fiction depicting the “I just wanna be popular” character because popularity is the ultimate prize.
  • The depiction of the adults in Mia’s life (her parents and her aunt and uncle) are realistic and smart. Mia seeks to understand their behavior, and comes to realize they are not as idyllic as she thought when she was younger. Mia struggles with watching Corinne’s relationship dissolve with her aunt and uncle, again shattering her idyllic view of Corinne.

I really wish this book had been available to me in my teens, especially at the beginning of high school. Not to sound trite, but I could have used some validation that this book can bring to being sure of yourself and seeking out those friends that accept you for who you are.

And just to think, what Mia would have to say to Jessica Wakefield if they were ever to meet.

Amanda Howells

The best news is that Amanda Howells has provided a signed copy of this book and a signed copy of The Return of William White (a.k.a. the best Sweet Valley book cover ever) for a giveaway! Just leave a comment with a valid email address by Wednesday at midnight and I’ll pick someone at random as the winner.

And Amanda, hurry up and publish your next novel!

Read more about Amanda Howells here. And if you like the book, tell your friends.

UPDATE: Congrats to Caitlin, our winner! (No not that Caitlin). Please go out and buy The Summer of Skinny Dipping. It’s a great read! You know I wouldn’t just say this if I didn’t mean it.