I’m giving it a try. Anyone else?
Script Frenzy in April
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Monthly Archives: March 2010
Les Liaisons Dangereuses
"Todd! I can see your chest hair!"
…or, for you younger, hip folk, Cruel Intentions.
Liz and Todd are so smug in their amazing relationship that they want to spread their smug all over another couples to make as happy as they are. Or, they need some titillating activity to spice up their relationship, and we all know Elizabeth won’t do back-door action. So this is the next best thing.
The players: Aaron Dallas, non-descriptive blonde soccer player. Wait, wasn’t he Jeffrey’s bff? So why does he now want to hang out with Liz and Todd? Why am, I questioning continuity? Heather Sanford, the cool fashion girl who Liz hated on, moved away, probably to Connecticut or London, the only 2 places anyone movies to.
Dana Lason: funky, independent lead singer of the Droids who is fed up with love and wants to concentrate on her music. Wait, what? An SVH female is okay with not having a boyfriend? Better fix that soon!
Conveniently for everyone involved, there is a Battle of the Bands coming up, and The Droids are writing a new song for it. Please note that resident black student Andy Jenkins is mentioned as leading a band called “Baja Beat” because of course he needs to be in an “ethnic” band.
Oner night at Miller’s Point, instead of having sex, Todd and Liz hatch a scheme called “Operation Pair-Up”. Yes, it is capitalized and repeated ad nausem throughout the book. If Aaron and Dana start dating, Todd has to grant Liz three wishes. If not, Liz has to grant Todd three wishes. I’ll give you three guesses what Todd’s wishes are and what Liz’s AREN’T.
Liz and Todd scheme to get those two crazy kids together, there’s something involving a note supposedly written from Aaron to Dana, and none of it matters, because as you guessed it, Dana and Aaron end up together, and laugh at themselves for swearing off love. I mean, really, who are they, Lois Waller or Penny Ayala? Of course they should be dating to be happy!
Get your barf bags in place, because here how it ends up for Liz and Todd:
“You won the bet” Todd conceded good-naturedly, nodding. “You’ve earned your three wishes. So what are they going to be?”
“Let’s see….” Elizabeth thought for a moment. “A dozen roses would be nice, and someone to do my chores and carry my books for a week would be a real treat.”
Todd laughed. “I deserve it- I was going to make you wash my car!”
“But after everything that’s ahppened, there are other things I’d like more.” Elizabeth grinned up at him. “Are you ready?”
Todd grinned. “Your wish is my command.”
“Then I wish you and I will never have such a pointless argument ever again…”
“One”, counted Todd.
“And I wish you’d give me the biggest, best kiss ever, right this very instant!”
“One Todd Wilkins Deluxe Smooch, coming right up!” Todd promised as he pulled Elizabeth close.
Oh good lord. Too. Much. Too. Hate. On. Really Liz? A dozen roses? How about one: not putting you in a coma, two: not allowing you to fall in the hands of a serial killer multiple times and three: not acting like such a boring dud. And Todd, really? You were going to have Liz WASH YOUR CAR? How about One: Not cheating on you with every guy with a lopsided smile that wanders into town and two: going a little further, than, say, GIVING YOUR KISSES A BRAND NAME???
The other redonculous thing is that Dana and Aaron, suddenly for this book, exist for the sole purpose of being friends with Todd and Liz. Liz invites Dana out (to trick her into hanging out with Aaron) to some theater thing, and Dana doesn’t think it is weird that Liz never asked her to hang out before? And now suddenly she is going to Liz for relationship advice? Does she not even hang out with her BANDMATES? And Dana, funky, eclectic, singer of a band has no friends other than Liz? And Aaron, popular soccer player, doesn’t have a groups of “br’ahs”? Ugh. Details, details.
In other infuriating plotlines, Lila and Jessica “Penny Lane” Wakefield decide that they want in on the band action and decide to be roadies for one of the bands in the battle so they can hang with the band. But hilarity ensues and at the battle Jessica screws up and the amps blow up! Oh noes! Everyone laugh! The band is a heavy metal band, and of course is portrayed as gross and incompetent. Because any character that is not clean cut and hangs out at the Dairi Burger up a Wakefield’s ass is a total comedic plot device of stupidity and any originality is used to show how stupid and weird they are. Meanwhile, this makes my panties drop in under a second, so touche, ghostwriters.
Can any good come of this ridiculous plot and idiotic display of characters? Well, yes. A book about the Droids made me think about some of my favorite fictitious bands. Edited: I seemed to forget lots of important ones, so click “more” to see the full list.
Stop the Presses, I want to throw up in my mouth.
Book Cover from The Closet
You are going to think I’m kidding here, but this is yet another friggin’ time that the twins are almost murdered. And recover quick enough to celebrate being alive with a nosh at the Dairi Burger. It’s like some sick game from Saw with these Wakefields. Get a pimple and gut and your family and friends are allowed to live, or stay perfect and others suffer! Hahahaha!
We’re back in the summer, and I realized that the first four super thrillers are a miniseries, including later when Nicholas falls for crazy Babs. So that means the timeline jumped all over when these came out? It’s the summer and Liz is with Jeffrey, who is working as a camp counselor in San Francisco. Which is code for sleeping with men in San Francisco. Seriously, there are no sleep away camps in SF, if they wanted to be realistic, they would have said Marin or something. Seriously, don’t fuck with my city ghostwriters!
Steven is home (duh) interning at a law firm, and the Wakefields are hosting his friend Adam who is also interning. Adam is too poor to live on his own, so the Wakefields got a collective boner when they heard that and agreed to house him. Jessica is sick of Elizabeth mooning over Jeffrey being away, so she tries to get her interested in Adam. She writes a fake love note from Adam to Liz. COINCIDENTALLY, the same day, Adam’s girlfriend is murdered by an ex-boyfriend and Jessica witnesses the guy trying to hide the body but gets away before the guy can confront her. There’s a backstory about this girlfriend being rich and her parents not approving of Adam, but really you don’t need to give a fuck.
Let me back up. The twins are interning at the Sweet Valley News during the summer. of course Liz thinks by the end of the summer she will win a nobel prize, and Jessica is forced to by her parents. Jessica’s new dry-hump target is star reporter Seth, who is twenty-two and writes mystery novels on the side. Hubba hubba! Sounds like my kind of nerdy guy. Jessica tries to get Seth into her by making up false leads so they can go solve crimes together. Again, it is SO BEYOND JESSICA’S COMPREHENSION that Seth is maybe not interested in her so she persists on with the bullshit. Also, no one believes her when she says she sees the murder.
Oh yea, and then Adam is arrested for his girlfriend’s murder because everyone thinks he wrote Liz a love note and that made the police think he killed his girlfriend so he could be with Liz. Nice detective work there, Sweet Valley police. Then again, the twins insane beauty and awesomeness can drive people to murder! They just can’t help it! Anyway, Jessica refuses to tell the police that she really wrote the note, SO ADAM STAYS IN JAIL AND ACCUSED OF MURDER. But the important thing is, Jessica isn’t in trouble!
Ned and Alice forbade the twins to drive the Fiat, because the murderer may recognize the car. There’s an office party at the news, and Jessica gets a ride with Seth, and Liz is supposed to drive Steven’s car, but he didn’t come home in time (the ONE time he is not home, right?) so she says fuck it, I’ll take the Fiat. Jessica is at the party and realizes that the killer is there and is actually a friend of the news editor. Jessica somehow convinces the killer to leave the party, probably with the help of her alluring magnetism, but oops, Liz pulls up in the Fiat as he goes into the garage. Killer guy tries to kill the twins by running into them with his car and beating them with a pipe. You think I’m kidding when I say that. Somehow the twins overcome him and knock him unconscious (they also have super strength) and become the heroes. Jessica somehow does not get in trouble for keeping information from the police, and also is awarded the opportunity to write a front-page story about how she cracked the case.
Oh yea, somehow in all the celebrating someone remembers to release Adam from prison. No bother that his reputation is ruined and his girlfriend is dead, it’s okay because the twins are okay and the beating didn’t ruin their California-girl good looks.
Also? Double Jeopardy does not mean that two people are in jeopardy. Just sayin’.
The real question here is: the Sweet Valley News actually exists, and has more then two employees? What breaking news could they possible have to cover? Well, let’s check out some recent headlines:
Alice Wakefield Tapped to Lead New Town Hall Redesign; Spanish-Style Tiles Expected to Be Involved
Enid Rollins’ Past to Be Revealed as Dangerous and Outlandish, No One Gives Shit
Tricia Martin Still Dead, Sources Confirm
Cheryl Thomas Moves to Sweet Valley, Black Population Up 25%
Jessica’s New Bikini Said to Be Small, Revealing
Local Teacher Roger Collins Proposes New Sleepaway Teen Summer Writing Camp at His House
Toilet Store Opens in Downtown Sweet Valley, No Customers Yet
Local Teen Winston Egbert Beats His Own Record at Taco Eating Contest, Awarded Nothing
Hidden Camera Found in Boys’ Locker Room, Local Teen Tom McKay Tipped Off Police
Local Couple Alice and Ned Wakefield to Publish Book on Parenting
Annie Whitman Goes on Ninth Date this Week, Slut Status Solidified
Bruce Patman Switching to Boxer Briefs, Sources Confirm
Susan Stewart Reveals Identity of Real Father, Sweet Valley Residents say Susan Who?
Local Survey of Sweet Valley Residents reveal that Sweet Valley is the #1 Favorite Place in the World
Local High School Dance Canceled, Project Youth Flooded With Calls from Depressed Students
Police Catch Twenty-Seventh Serial Killer This Year
Town Council Passes a Measure that This Year will have Six Christmases and Eight Summer Vacations
Lois Waller Still Fat, Sources Confirm
Local Sweet Valley Residents Pondering if Jews Really Exist
welcome to my world
My lack of updates is due to the fact that I just purchaed my first home, and I’ve been busy with escrow and contractors and all that other stuff I still don’t really understand. Over the weekend I worked on repainting the place. I’ve always likes the look of brown walls, and I painted my common area a chocolate brown. After standing back and admiring it, I think….
…yes, some of you realized it already. Jessica Wakefield is so crazy that she on a whim painted her bedroom walls chocolate brown, which her family affectionately calls “The Hershey Bar.”
Yes, I’m thirty-one, just purchased my new home, and I am comparing myself to Jessica Wakefield. Fuck my life.
