Caitlin XXX

Caitlin: Always and Forever from Robin Hardwick on Vimeo.

The penultimate installment of Caitlin is seriously boring. It’s about business ethics and horses. Seriously.You can imagine my excitement at discovering that someone produced an “adult entertainment” version.

[CAITLIN]Oh, my life is wonderful. Here I am looking out from the balcony from my huge mansion at my engagement party. My life is perfect. My servants spent hours making the hoer d’oeuvres, the imported Tiki lamps cost more than what it would feed a family of three, my taffeta blue dress was custom made for me. And I am marrying my high school sweetheart, Jed. Never mind that most of the time I am with him we are fighting or he breaks up with me over suspicion of cheating, it’s love!

[MELANIE] Wow, I’m all growns up! No more am I Jed’s lil sis, I am a lady of the world. Hey, look, there;s Laurence Baxter, someone Caitlin used to date and who she set me up in New York with!

Hey little lady, you look all grown up! Let’s have a grown up conversation and a grown up date where you come back to my place!

Okay, let’s go! Never mind Caitlin told me you have a boyfriend, I’m a woman about town! A wo-man!

[They go back to his place and do it]

omg, I can’t believe that Grandmother, Regina Ryan, head of Ryan Mining, has died! And now she has left the company for me to run! I mean, in reality she would leave it to the board of trustees, but this is my book! It’s named after me!

[JED] Dayum Caitlin, I know this is your grandmother’s funeral, but you look super smokin’ in that sophisticated black dress. Also, I’m worried that you will want to stay in Virginia forever and not in New York with me, like I wanted. Remember, your needs don’t count as much as mine. I want you in the same city as me so I can treat you like crap in person.

Oh Jed, don’t you worry. This is only temporary.

[They do it in the graveyard. The other mourners watch for a bit and then join in.]

Wow, my first day on the job as the president of a corporation! The first thing I want to do is to make sure we don’t exploit all the natural resources and we don’t take advantage of the miners doing all the manual labor! Even though I am rich, I care about the poor! First, though, I need to redecorate my office. Let me call in expensive interior designers and also to put some of my original Rodin sculptures in here. I like to look at them when I work to remind myself that I’m the rich and I’m the por.

[The interior designer comes in to "take measurements" and "try out some furniture" if you know what I mean]

Well, now that that’s done, I’ll spend the afternoon redesigning the mining technology. Never mind that I no bippity about technology, these are things that a president of the company knows! Then I’ll sign some checks and read important documents. All that should take an hour, and then of course I am going to do a big tv interview, because America gives a crap about the president of a mining company.

—-

[HOWARD] Hey there! I’m the big-shot lawyer your father hired for you to take care of whoever is trying to bring down Ryan Mining! Did you know that your stock has been going down fast?

That’s not the only thing going down fast…

[78 minutes later]

Anyway, as I was saying, there are a few people I am going to go investigate to see if they are the culprit.

I thought you were a lawyer, not a private investigator…

Yea, but job titles don’t mean anything in this book.

Yea, here’s a job that matter…

[They do it on the desk.]

[COLIN WOLMAN]: Damn that Caitlin! It’s been a few years since she found out my scam to get her grandmother’s money, but I am still harboring on it because Caitlin is just so damn pretty and important not to obsess over.

[EVIL HENCHMAN]: Hey guy. You got the money? I’m ready to burn this gal’s barn down. I gotta know, what’s the reason?

I just want to watch her suffer! BWAHAHAHA!

Yea, well, it’s going to take more than two thousand bucks to get me to do this.

Oh yea, what will it take?

[They do it on the bar.]

Caitlin! Caitlin! I know who was trying to ruin your company! It was Colin Wollman! I stopped him. It will never happen again! He won’t try to do anything to you again!

Oh thank god! Thanks so much for saving my precious company. I really care about the less fortunate that my company employs. How about some caviar served by my house servants!

Hey Caitlin, I……oh Howard, I didn’t see you here.

Well, well, who do we have here?

[They do it while Caitlin watches. Some of the butlers and servants join in.]

Melanie, I can’t believe you are sneaking around and sleeping with Laurence! He has girlfriend! YOU TROLLOP!

I know, I am so ashamed. I need a man who can handle me better! Like this guy…what’s his name?

Omg, what’s that smell?

Well, you know, it’s …

No, something’s burning! I think it’s the stables!

[Outside]

Omg, I must save my precious horses! They’ll burn alive!

[sexily] Neigh! Neigh!

[Caitlin rushes in and Howard gets knocked unconscious.]

Oh my god! Someone help me! I’m just a woman!

Hey never fear! I just happened to jump on a plane to visit you at the exact time to get here and help you save everyone!

[Jed rushes in and pulls Howard from the wreckage.]

Well, Howard, looks like you need some mouth to mouth.

[They do it, while Caitlin and Melanie throw burning shrapnel on them.]

Wow, it looks like everything worked out!

Well, not EVERYTHING. I’ve decided that we are going to get married here and stay here. We’ll live at Ryan Acres and you’ll still be the head of Ryan Mining. Screw New York and our dreams!

Oh Jed, really? I can’t wait until we get married! Then we can finally have sex!

***This is actually the only time when the sex actually happened in the book. Before you get too excited, it was portrayed as Melanie and Laurence going to a romantic dinner, and skip to the next chapter where she is making breakfast for him while he is in the shower. I know, lame, but for a Francine Pascal book? Scandalous!

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34 comments

  1. Irma · November 22, 2009

    I stumbled on this blog about a year ago while I was googling the Caitlin series; I trying, for the thousandth time, to find out what happened in the final books. I had read about 4 books when I was in the 8th grade which we’re borrowed from the library. And once I hit the 9th grade I had moved on to adult literature. But, many years later, and for years afterward, I would see something that reminded me of the series (mainly SWH stuff) and I would wonder what happened in the rest of the series. I’m happy to finally know.

    I like this ending. It’s so 80’s, pro-career woman. It’s Working Girl, Dallas, and shoulder pads blended together and formatted for a YM magazine reader. I’m satisfied :)

    • anastasia · November 22, 2009

      Unfortunately, the series doesn’t end with her being a pro-career woman (if I remember correctly!)… but rather, more like a housewife type ending…

      • Irma · November 22, 2009

        oh boo

  2. Ravenous World · November 22, 2009

    This is freaking Awesome, sexy Neigh! Neigh! and all hahahaha. How ever do you come up with this stuff? As a writer I find your blog inspiring :p.

  3. Karmyn · November 22, 2009

    Love the Ron Jeremy pic. Hey, he was cute when he was younger. And he’s funny.

    • ihatewheat · November 22, 2009

      Seriously, after seeing him on The Surreal Life, he seems totally fun to hang out with.

  4. Belowen · November 22, 2009

    The image of Colin Walman will give me nightmares until the end of time.

  5. MT · November 22, 2009

    Hahaha, I LOVE this! I think Colin’s picture is Evan Stone, who’s in just about every porno ever made. :) Laughing so hard at this, this is AWESOME.

    • ihatewheat · November 22, 2009

      Ha! Love you for knowing who he is. His acting is (unintentionally) hilarious.

      • MT · November 22, 2009

        My boyfriend calls him “The Goblin” because of the faces he makes … hehehe.

  6. Roger Patman · November 22, 2009

    Does Duster ever get sent to a glue factory in any of these books?

  7. Magpie · November 22, 2009

    These books seem trashy even by Francine Pascal’s standards. I bet she didn’t even imagine Melanie and Laurence to be having sex in between their romantic dinner and their breakfast the next day. Knowing Francine, in her mind the two of them probably just sat on the couch watching “Casablanca” together.

    • Miss Moppet · November 22, 2009

      No, they went to the all-night laundromat to have a cappuccino with Liz and Todd.

  8. maybeimamazed02 · November 22, 2009

    Love this so much. I did my first ever blog entry on Sasha Grey. She’s like a (slutty) Lila.

    @Magpie: I very much doubt Francine thought about Melanie/Laurent sex. After all, none of her characters have genitals.

  9. nikki · November 22, 2009

    Oh thank god I’m not the only one who recognized Evan Stone. *hangs head in shame*

  10. Rio · November 22, 2009

    “Never mind that most of the time I am with him we are fighting or he breaks up with me over suspicion of cheating, it’s love!”

    Gee, THAT sounds familiar. Does Francine think all long-term couples are that dysfunctional?

    If I’m not mistaken, this book is titled Forever and Always, which is probably how long you thought it would last before getting remotely interesting.

    • ihatewheat · November 22, 2009

      For real. A fourth of the book is Caitlin picking out thoroughbred horses.

  11. troppixx · November 22, 2009

    Woman, I love you! LOL. This blog is my new guilty pleasure!

  12. Karmyn · November 22, 2009

    So that’s Evan Stone. I recognized the name, but I don’t recognize many maile porn stars by face. Except Ron Jeremy. But even people who’ve never seen porn recognize him.
    I reccomend his autobiography if you get a chance to read it. He really is a funny, intelligent person who just happens to be a porn star.

  13. Fear Street · November 22, 2009

    These pictures…I’m scared.

  14. Jen S. · November 22, 2009

    The hottest porn star is the pony. I mean, Sasha’s hot, but that pony? Damn! Neigh!

  15. Anonymous · November 22, 2009

    Was this post based on an actual book that you made a XXX spoof of?
    And no sex scene for Jed and Caitlin?
    I only read like half of a Caitlin book so maybe that’s why I’m confused.

  16. Miss Moppet · November 22, 2009

    The only thing better than the Caitlin pic is the My Slutty Little Pony pic.

    I loved the first Caitlin trilogy but never realised there were two more trilogies to come. Just lucky, I guess.

    I’m so glad you were joking about the graveyard thing.

    • ihatewheat · November 22, 2009

      They are actual dolls called Strutz. They wear platform shoes and have cleavage.

      http://www.playmatestoys.com/details-struts.shtml

      • Miss Moppet · November 22, 2009

        I’ve just been to have a look.

        “Struts combine a girl’s natural fondness of horses and her love for
        fashion dolls.”

        But most importantly, they teach your daughter that nothing is of value unless it is grotesquely sexualised.

        You definitely picked the right one – Caitlin would have a horse who looks like her.

      • Canaduck · November 22, 2009

        Hahahah holy crap.

        [sexily] Neigh, neigh.

  17. Emily · November 22, 2009

    When Caitlin went running into the stalls, I thought for a minute that she and the horse were going to go at it.

    • ihatewheat · November 22, 2009

      I’m usually over the line, but not that far!

  18. Henna · November 22, 2009

    Cant stop laughing. So funny-

  19. bookslide · November 22, 2009

    Hee! And ew, Ron Jeremy.

    I cannot win with this series. I have been finding random copies of books at stores and library sales, but first I couldn’t find the first book for a while and now I can’t find the second–and accidentally picked up two of the third in the process. Anyone have a Love Lost they want to swap for True Love?

    • ihatewheat · November 22, 2009

      I just broke down and bought them on Amazon. About 4 bucks each with shipping.

      • bookslide · November 22, 2009

        I’ll probably end up grabbing it with PBS credits (“What do you want for Christmas? BOOKS TO RECAP!”) but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to ask, especially since I have one to trade.

  20. Pingback: Ponies and Abortions « The Dairi Burger

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