Monthly Archives: September 2009

An Open Letter to Diablo Cody

Posted on by
76

Hey Diablo! I hear you read this blog on occasion, so I thought I’d give this a try. A few days ago I posted my first reactions to the news that you are going to adapt Sweet Valley High into a movie.  I have to say I was premature in my judgement. I’m waving the white flag here (or a purple one, if The Unicorns designed it) As far as calling yo0u overrated, that was perhaps kind of hasty as well. I found Juno enjoyable, but I believe what made me kind of annoyed by it was all the hoopla around it- people were quoting it constantly who shouldn’t be quoting it, and it kind of became like Napoleon Dynamite, which is a good movie, but now seems kind of annoying because people quote it too much, you know? I haven’t seen Jennifer’s Body yet, and I do plan to- despite if I enjoy the movie or not, the whole concept is completely awesome.

And then my brain fart- I had totally forgot about United States of Tara, which is fantastic. How could I forget that? And then, reading your twitter posts, you get it. You are one of us! Not someone who will take our beloved book series and make it into some Hollywood rom com or typical teen comedy! You won me over when you told Bruce Patman: “Bruce, you’d better stop lightly touching breasts.” and then you told Liz: “You’ll need to suffer personality-changing skull trauma if you really want to be popular. Now get on that motorcycle.”

Many of us are still holding onto the dream that Sweet Valley Heights will still be published. [Damn you Francine!] I’ve already given up on that, but now I have the new hope that I will see Sweet Valley High on the screen as it should be! From someone who read all the books! From a quick imdb.com check, we are exactly the same age, so I’d imagine we first read the books around the same age, and possible had the same reactions.

I also want to give my support to a woman working in the film industry who doesn’t just write rom com vehicles for Katherine Heigl. Or whose female characters sole purpose is to have a happy ending with a guy. On a shallow note, who also wore leopard print to the Academy Awards, which was so Very.

I know as the writer you don’t have complete control over every aspect of the film, but I am sure the community here has some suggestions for you. I wrote up mine but I can’t publish it here because I’ve already published it at film.com so please check it out over there.

I know that other folks in this community are extremely excited and invested in the idea, and have suggestions as well, and I am sure will leave them in the comments.

Love,

Robin (aka ihatewheat)

Harder Better Faster Stronger

Posted on by
25

Let’s not beat around the bush on this one. Tony Esteban is a fucking idiot. And rarely ever heard from again. And possibly a token non white person, although it was kind of ambiguous.

Tony is the star athlete of the track team (wasn’t that Roger? Never mind.) And his father has high hopes and lives vicariously through Tony because Papa Estaban had a promising football career but then his wife got sick so he had to give it up. Seriously, what a fucking wench. Isn’t that the plot of every book having to do with an athlete?

Tony hurts his knee during a big match and is paranoid that he won’t do well for an upcoming meet where an Olympic coach is looking for recruits. Tony works out at the local gym and hangs out with a gym rat named Lou who gives him “magic vitamins” to make him do better. The fact that Lou likes to hang around with teenage boys at the gym is the first of many red flags.

Tony is dating Annie Whitman. Apparently he doesn’t mind that she’s a dirty whore and dated over two guys in her life. Annie gets concerned about these “magic vitamins”. Tony is in denial that they are steroids. And seriously, the amount of times “magic vitamins” is printed in this book makes me want to scream. So, Annie has a cousin who is some biology lab mad scientist creates fake placebo pills that she replaces the “magic vitamins’ with to prove to Tony that they are just having a placebo affect. And the writers just shot themselves in the foot with that one because earlier in the book they mentioned that Tony was becoming all aggressive and irritated without him knowing why, so how is that placebo affect?

Meanwhile, Roger has a family friend, a kid named Mitch who is sent to stay with the Patmans because he was misbehaving at home and was caught drinking (and apparently, the Patman estate is liquor free and reeks of high morals). He ends up idolizing Tony and it makes Tony realize that he can’t take steroids because he’s a role model! Or something. And yea, he does the right thing and turns himself into the coach and all this shit and everyone forgives him and Liz takes credit for turning his life around. And Tony’s Dad suddenly is all good and tells Tony that sometimes parents learn lessons from their children and of course isn’t mad. And Annie and Tony smooch and make up.

and OH MY GOD the subplot. Todd is getting annoyed because he and Liz never get any time to themselves so they can spend time not having sex, because they are SO POPULAR that they can never get away from their friends. Life is hard. SO unbeknownst to each other, they both hatch the same plan to kidnap each other to go to a fancy inn for dinner. And Todd has Winston grab Liz, blindfold hwer and force her into his car. Yea, great fucking idea Todd, especially since LIZ WAS ACTUALLY ONCE KIDNAPPED. Way to be sensitive about it. However, Liz doesn’t even seem to make the connection or mention the other kidnapping thus proving that these suck so bad that even the ghostwriters don’t read the ones they don’t write. Surely that came up in an editorial meeting, but someone gave the go ahead because they were too lazy to think of something else.

Awesome or awful

Posted on by
33

Thanks you guys for giving the heads up about Diablo Cody obtaining the rights to Sweet Valley High. I was going to get my panties all in a twist because Diablo Cody is severely overrated, but:

  • obtaining the rights to something doesn’t mean shit. The rights to Watchmen were obtained 15 years ago. The new Superman movie was in development for ten. There was even some talk about there being a Broadway show based on SVH, but that never happened. I’ll believe it when I see it.
  • How would any studio even pick this up? We already have Mean Girls, Gossip Girl, and all that other stuff. Another story about privileged teens doesn’t seem like it would sell. Hey, unless you add some vampires to it!
  • The one way this could be totally awesome is if it was filmed in insane camp style like The Brady Bunch movies which totally makes fun of the original source. But I don’t see that happening.
  • You already know my casting advice. Malin Ackerman as the twins, Sasha Grey as Lila, Chris Carmack as Bruce.

Stop it you guys, it’s not funny anymore.

Posted on by
17

Every time I read a “Reader of the Month” entry, a little part of my soul dies.

Hi, my name is Jayme _____.

I’m going to save her some dignity and not print her last name on here. I did google her and lucky for us, she turned out okay. She’s an employee benefits consultant, and has three kids. And volunteers at her church’s winter carnival and founded an association for state ambassadors. Hrrrm, sounds a bit Liz Wakefield-ish, no?

I am thirteen years old and entering eighth grade. My favorite subject is English and my least favorite is math.

Math is hard, you guys!

There are several reasons why I love all the Sweet Valley books. One is that they are pretty realistic.

Sigh. [Head in hands.]

I have never been to California before, but from the specific details in the Sweet Valley books, Sweet Valley sounds just like a real place and what I’ve dreamed it to be.

Make up your mind. Is it real or did you dream it?

The  Wakefields sound like a fun-loving family that anyone would want to be a part of. I feel like I know what the town of Sweet Valley and the Wakefield’s house, inside and out, look like.

So do I, Jayme, so do I.  The Spanish tiles are burned into my mind.

So, in conclusion, to all of the writers and contributors of Sweet Valley books, give yourselves a pat on the back for a job well done.

Well, at least she realizes that there are ghost writers. Who would love nothing more than a condescending congrats from a thirteen year old reader. Wait, I thought there were several reasons she loved the books. What are the other ones, Jayme, WHAT ARE THE OTHER ONES?

In other news, check out my tumblog.

Nobody Likes Betsy Hanes, if she really did write this.

Posted on by
13

And at least I’ve reached the last of the Taffy Sinclair series. Mind you, this one overlaps with the Fabulous Five series. And let’s just assume that at this point, Bets just handed over a pen to a lowly editorial intern to write this one. I refuse to live in a world where Betsy Haynes produces this garbage. It’s like…a Sweet Valley High book.

To refresh your memory, Taffy just got back from Hollywood where she was filming a tv movie. She’s back in good ol’ Bridgeport, CT but it’s just so hard to adjust! I mean, she’s been to Hollywood! And no one understands what it’s like! She’s really not making it easy to adjust when she joins the video club at school and scoffs at everyone when they don’t know what “blocking” means. And no one believes that she’s friends with Raven Blaine!

Rumor has it that No One Likes Tiffany Stafford is going to be picked up as a tv series. Meanwhile, Taffy tries to adjust to life with her bff, Shawnie Pendergast, who made a new friend whiles she was away. The gal sings in a band, and Taffy plots to take over so she will be in the band. But, meanwhile, her movie is picked up for a tv series, and she has to leave to go back to Hollywood anyway. Ok…the point?

I don’t have anything clever for this one. Except that maybe it was a reject in the Taffy fanfiction contest.

Fuck it you guys, I’m just going to wear pink leggings and heels: Episode 2, “The Big Dance”

Posted on by
13

Episode 2 and there’s already a dance! What is this, Sweet Valley? Voula is still mad at Steph for prostituting herself for the grade eight presidency, although now she’s getting really snotty about it. In other news, Mr. Voula still won’t let Voula talk to boys or wear non-dresses. Hello Richard Spier! Oh, also we get to meet a new character Lucy. And Lucy likes to dress like this:

It’s like something Stevie Nicks and Steven Tyler had a secret baby that they dumped in the dumpster of a Goodwill store. Really Lucy? Two bandanas? And a batwing logo sweatshirt? I don’t like to rag on people’s personal appearances other than their clothes, but let’s just say…Lucy is unfortunate looking. And I remember my junior high bff going on about how pretty Lucy is. We are no longer friends. That may be why.

We also get to meet Heather and Erica, the frizzy brown haired twins, who are no Elizabeth and Jessica. At least until a few years later until one gets preggers. But I’m getting ahead of myself. These gals speak in unison and generally need dental work and hot oil treatmen, a theme among students at this school. And both of them look about 32. Voula, being the goody goody she is, is sponsoring a foster child and want to present the funds to the organization. Usually the class prez does it, but Steph is just a girl! She can’t do it! Everyone kisses Voula’s ass until she agrees to do it. Only problem is? her dad won’t let her go to the dance.

Also, Steph, stop trying to make pearl bolo ties happen.

Also, Voula, stop trying to make lipstick happen. It’s awkward.

Steph and the twins gather at Lucy’s house to pre-game for the dance. Her parents aren’t home. That’s cool, because that means Lucy can do what she wants. The twins notice the abundance of liquor and brag that they got drunk at their cousin’s wedding. They ask if they can have some and then obnoxiously yell “paaaart-aaay!!” and dig in. Steph comes down just in time from slutting herself up.

I tried to get a screenshot that accurately captured the awesomeness of Steph’s Golden Girl chic. Those are pink leggings. With kitten heels. and two belts intertwined and a silver button down. Claudia Kishi is freeeeaaaking out you guys. Steph also joins in the drinking, and they act just like freshmen at their first frat party.

Voula tricks her dad into letting her go to the dance, saying it’s a meeting about the foster children. She shows up at the dance and it is still light out. Looosers! Meanwhile, Steph and the gang role in drunk. Steph grinds on Wheels until Mr. Raditch, the deejay for the night, tells them to do the “crazy dance”! Steph stops and realizes she needs to ralph. She rushes into the bathroom, her kitten heels slowing her down. Also, Mr. Raditch = Mr. Collins.

Mr. Voula shows up to drag Voula home. Damn her for helping those foster children! But not before Voula can give a disapproving sneer to drunk Steph. The girls check on Steph, and we get a glorious full view of their outfits:

Lucy is dressed as the Flinstones, and Heather (Erica?) is looking to marry into an FLDS clan.

Lucy takes Stephanie home, who laments on how she treated Wheels, who asked her to the dance. She surmises that she will talk to him later “if he’ll talk to her”.  Wear another tube top and I’m sure he will.

Guest blogger: Girl talk

Posted on by
42

Guest blogger Neek1981 covers a Girl Talk book, something I would never touch. Apparently I missed out.

—

To those of you out there who missed out on the Girl Talk series, it was fuc***g amazing!
The books were about four BFFs who lived in Acorn Falls, Minnesota, which was about as wholesome as Sweet Valley. Up until a few years ago, I thought Minnesota was a wholesome, happy state (until a lady I worked with who was from MN told me it was a sh*thole filled with unemployed people who talk like Frances McDormand in that movie Fargo).
Anyway, the books were about four best friends in the 7th grade. Here they are:

Sabrina Wells, the overzealous girl who loves to shop, read horoscopes, and giggle. One disturbing thing about Sabrina is that she’s obsessed with fashion magazines and subscribes to them religiously. Throughout the series she sometimes says she has baby fat, and even goes on a fruit-only diet at some point, however, she is always described as being petite, and NO ONE else in the books ever calls her overweight. I think she’s a prime candidate for body dismorphic disorder. She reminds me of Jessica Wakefield because she’s such an attention seeker.

Katie Campbell, a blonde, straight A student who color coordinates her socks to match her hair ribbons. Sound like anyone you know? (Ahem, Liz Wakefield, come on dooowwwn!)

Randy Zak, the hip New Yorker with a spiked haircut who dresses like Claudia Kishi but has the personality of Julia Sugarbaker. She always talks about how awesome New York is. I live in NYC, and I don’t think it’s nearly as awesome as people have made it out to be.

Allison Cloud, the exotic-looking girl who is quiet and shy. Can’t think of anything snarky to say about Allison. I like that she’s Native American ’cause I like diversity. I also like her ’cause she’s not conceited about how she looks, even though everyone tells her how gorgeous she is, and she almost became a fashion model in one book (of course!). She reads Elizabeth Barrett Browning and campaigns for saving the earth’s natural resources.

Each book is told in first person from one of the fab four’s perspective. Face Off is told by Katie Campbell who begins the book by describing the perfection of her older sister Emily (kinda reminds me of how every SVH book has at least a dozen paragraphs about the Wakefield gene pool). Emily looks like a Barbie doll and has perfect blonde hair and perfect blue eyes and even her chin is perfect. What the hell is a perfect chin anyway? According to Katie, it’s one that’s not too pointy and not too round, which pretty much describes almost EVERYONE’S chin, but I digress. Aside from being perfect-looking, Emily dates the captain of the football team, and is a pom-pom girl….Oh, hell. Just once, I’d like to read a f*cking kids’ book where the ‘perfect girl’ is NOT a blonde cheerleader. Why can’t she be a hairy legged feminist? Or even better, the perfect girl could be a non-white, non-cheerleader.

Katie is a 7th grade flag girl (which is like a cheerleader in the making). Basically she bounces up down and waves a flag around, however, Katie’s heart isn’t set on flag waving. Her true love is…ice hockey! So after her friend Randy Zak goes all girls-are-just-as-good-as-boys in the cafeteria in front of half the hockey team, Randy coaxes Katie into trying out for the team.

Scottie Silver, the guy Katie has the love jones for, is the captain of the hockey team. He has, get this, blonde hair that curls up around his hockey letter jacket and eyes that crinkle in the corners when he smiles (a.k.a. crow’s feet).

When Katie goes to try out for the team, Coach Budd (yep, that’s what they call him) tells Katie that she cannot try out because there has never been a girl on the team and they aren’t going to have one on there now, damn it!

Katie’s friend Allison, turns all Martin Luther King and basically gives Coach Bud a Let Freedom Ring speech about how Title IX says Katie has some freakin’ inalienable right to try out.

The Coach lets her try out and the guys all gang up on her. Even the ones on her team during the scrimmage hide from her so that she has no one to pass the puck to. Even worse, they beat the s*it out of her! They hip check her, slam her into the boards, and pretty much do everything short of beating her with their sticks in an attempt to scare her off. She goes home black and blue, but survives the tryouts, which last about three days.

One day when Katie is leaving tryouts, Scottie Silver (Mr. Crow’s Feet) comes up to her after having knocked the holy hell out of her on the ice. He says the most hateful things to her about how she should man up if she wants to play a man’s game. She tells him off and says he doesn’t scare her.. And then, he leans over and kisses her. WTF???

After the kiss, he runs away and she walks home with her hand on her cheek and actually considers never washing that cheek again. She calls Sabrina and they talk about the kiss and what it could mean.

Now, one thing I HATE about Girl Talk is the phone conversations. They’re written something like this:

Katie calls Sabrina.

Sam:Hello.
Katie: Hi, can I speak to Sabs?
Sam:Sure. (yells) Blabs, phone for you!
Sabrina:Hi, Katie. What’s up?
Katie:Hi, Sabs. …Well, Scottie SIlver kissed me
Sabrina:AHHHHHH! OMG!!!

It goes on for a whole chapter with Sabrina calling Allison to tell her the news and then Allison calls Randy, and it’s so retarded. They conclude that Scottie hearts Katie.

Oh, did I mention Scottie hangs out with Stacey “the Great” Hansen and her crowd? Stacey Hansen is the principal’s daughter and she’s spoiled and stuck up. Stacey is thirteen, blonde, has never had a pimple in her life. She already wears heels and diamond earrings. She hangs all over Scottie like Jessica Wakefield on a rich transfer student.

The book ends with the big game. Katie steals the puck at the last minute and passes it to Scottie who makes the game winning shot at the last possible second (cliche much?). The fans go wild and actually chant: Katie! Katie!

After the game, Scottie ignores perfect Stacey and offers to walk Katie to Fitzy’s for ice cream. Katie accepts, of course, because if a guy beats you black and blue, it must be love.

Make Donna’s dreams come true!

Posted on by
13

Hey Donna, not to single you out, but I’m gonna, but I’m reposting your comment from the request section over here.

Feel free to laugh hysterically at this, but my teenage self is dying to know…is there a real life Sweet Valley?

I will be visiting California in November (I am from Australia)…if anyone knows if Sweet Valley exists geographically (ie if Sweet Valley is based on a real town), I would sooooo love to visit. Given the numerous references to Sweet Valley’s proximity to LA, Malibu and San Diego, I thought SV might have some basis in reality?

Your thoughts and suggestions are appreciated.

Just imagine the shenanigans a non-size six, brunette, Australian girl could have with the Wakefields and their gang.

Thanks in advance!

Donna, I’m not laughing, and I love that a hunt for Sweet Valley is part of your vacation to the States. Now it’s time to break your heart: there is no such town as Sweet Valley. OUCH! Now you must feel like Jeffrey French.

HOWEVS, I do know that there are Southern California towns in the area in the areas that you mentioned that would closely represent Sweet Valley, complete with sparkling blue beaches, shopping malls, burger joints, privileged blond teenagers, large mansions, and a split-level house or two. So, the basis for Sweet Valley didn’t just get pulled out of Francine’s well-toned ass.

Problem is, I’m a Northern California inhabitant and don’t know the rest of California, so I was thinking we can help Donna out? Those of you that know SoCal, maybe you know of some Sweet Valley-esque small towns? That way Donna can get a feel for what Sweet Valley must be like. Maybe I can even arrange for some folks to pat your shoulder or have you kidnapped by an orderly.