[Cover from The Closet]
Was there a ghostwriter strike that we didn’t know about? Was anyone ever doing quality control when these things were released? I can’t even…ugh. I’ll have to organize my thoughts in a list or else it will be a bunch of random cursing and jumble.
- Michael Harris is quite the winner. As you may (or not) remember, he was in a secret relationship with Maria Santelli, was controlling and mean and forced Maria to become his child bride. She dumped him for Winston Egbert, and lucky Michael he’s found love with April Dawson. And guess what? He’s a controlling asshole and doesn’t want to do anything fun with April and guilts her into practicing for dirt bike rallies 24 hours a day. When she confronts him on it, he belittles her. Of course, April’s of the “he yells at me because he cares” variety, so it’s okay. He’s intense, y’all.
- Yes, April is a dirtbike racer. Of course, she rides a pink bike. Just to remind us that she has a vagina.
- Speaking of vagina, those jeans are riding up hers.
- April Dawson suddenly popped out of nowhere, and doesn’t seem to have any friends other than Michael. Oh, and the Wakefield twins. Because if you are not friends with them the Sweet Valley chamber of commerce makes you move away. This gal sure is lucky. Just when she needs someone to talk to, Liz pops out of nowhere! Just when she needs a friend to go shopping with, Jessica is there!
- And don’t even get me started…the cover and title HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STORY. Somewhere, James feels betrayed. And no one bothered to fix that? April is not caught between two guys in a love triangle. Michael and Artie Western used to be bffs but Michael challenged him to a race but almost kills him and they are fighting. April agrees to be Artie’s partner in the dirt bike relay and Michael gets mad and challenges him to a duel…ON DIRT BIKES. Artie ends up in the hospital and they make up and April forgives Michael for being a violent, controlling freak. He’s intense, y’all.
- This is also the book where Jessica meets Sam Woodruff, at a dirtbike rally where she is cheering on her suddenly new bff, April. Sam actually seems pretty nice and has a personality. Too bad he’ll be roadkill in about 20 books.
- Jessica is scared that her parents will be angry that she is dating a guy on a dirt bike since the coma debacle with Liz (at least there’s continuity). But they are magically ok with it. They brush it off as “yea, so your sister had a bad accident and was in a coma and for a while turned into a nympho, but we’ll let this one slide.” Good parenting, Nalice.
- You thought we were free and clear of Liz and Todd’s salty and sweet french fry and milkshake kisses? No such luck. They decide to do an “Anything you can do, I can do better” number and challenge each other to do tasks typical of the opposit gender, to show that being a guy/girl is so hard! Way to break gender role stereotypes. Liz makes Todd bake cookies and knit something and Todd makes Liz build a shelf and change a tire. Hilarity ensues. Vomit escapes my mouth.
- Is it just me or are the guys on the cover kind of hung? Also, Jean Tuxedo seems to be looking at April’s hair and thinking “dayum, could you have more bangs?”