Monthly Archives: March 2009

Stuff Dawn Schafer likes

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A few months ago, Stuff White People Like exploded onto the web, and for a while it was a really great satire that actually had some sociological insights. Lately, it is just posts about the author’s appearances and the release of his book at Urban Outfitters. On another note, Dawn used to be my favorite BSC member. She had a haunted passage in her house y’all, and lonmg blond hair. And was so unique! Reading them now, as so many others of you have pointed out, she’s kind of a holier-than-thou pain in the ass. And very, very, white. Let’s see how!

and…

When the poor children of the Zuni tribe of New Mexico are in trouble, it’s Dawn who knows what they need! It’s Dawn who will gather together the supplies they need to survive! It’s Dawn who will find an excuse to spend a whole night with children!

So, Dawn is sitting for the Pikes and she finds that the elementary school has pen pals in New Mexico, and are in a Native American tribe. Why so? To learn about other cultures? I’;; bet Connecticut suburbanites are the ones that need to be studied. Get this- Dawn is JEALOUS. And wishes her school was doing something like that. Really Dawn?

Then, BAM! The kids hear that a fire destroyed their school and some of the town, some people lost their houses and belongings. Dawn decides- how can she make this about HER? How can she fill the void in her heart that can only be filled by a school-aged pen pal? Why, it’s to create a town wide fundraiser! And she gets to organize it all! She even calls the teachers of the elementary school to get involved. Not only do they say yes, but they let Dawn take the lead!

Dawn gets to miss school to go over to the elementary school and make an announcement at the assemby. She practically creams herself at the thought of being the center of attention among six year olds. They start a clothing and items of drive…of course in DAWNS BARN. So she can be involved in every moment.

Gee, how can Dawn appear to be more of a martyr and take up her time with children? Well, have a sleepover with all the kids, of course! They’ll have people donate all the supplies (instead of donating it directly to the Zuni children? I don’t get it). It is to reward the kids who raised the money for the students in New Mexico. Because how else can you say “hey, you have a burned charred pile for a house, but we are fortunate enough to be able to stuff our faces with caramel popcorn all night”. Kids pee their pants and throw up from too much food, but it’s all good fun!

Of course, the teachers of the elementary school agree and love it and volunteer to chaperone. Oh, and to let Dawn and the BSC take charge of it. My parents were both teacher and like hell they would have checked with their union first before doing this. Oh noes! Drama! The pizza guy might not have enough pizzas to feed all the kids! Drama over. He’ll use whole wheat crust. Dawn is a smug panda for forcing the kids to eat “healthy” food.

Claudia? Is that you?

Claudia? Is that you?

BONUS! Claudia outfit: “She walked into school today wearing a bright yellow, oversize man’s jacket with rolled up sleeves; a wide paisley tie straight out of the 1960s; orange stirrup pants,; ankle boots; and huge hoop earrings- and you know what? On her, it looked cool.

I had many pen pals in my day. My favorite was named Cathy, and I loved her letters. That’s because she spun a lot of bullshit. Apparently she was dating a twenty year old (we were twelve at the time) and had lots of drama with her friends that sounded eerily familiar to plots of Sweet Valley High books. She sent me a picture and she was wearing jelly shoes over lacy ankle socks.

I’ve found a Wakefield

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"I'm feel so bad for anyone that doesn't live in Sweet Valley!"

After seeing Watchmen three times in the theater (yes, I’m just that crazy) I kept thinking, Malin Akerman reminds me of someone…oh fuck, the Wakefield twins. Not just because she’s blond, but because she has a wide, heart shaped face, and also the way she talks (she is the same way in every movie) like she knows she is just so charming and cute. Note to Malin: Sally Jupiter is not a ditzy sorority sister. In 27 Dresses (ugh, yes, I’ve seen it) she’s a total Jessica. This is pretty much how I imagine them looking. Well, I have to give her credit, she was on the short-lived but fantastic show The Comeback which was a total win.

"No need to wear a watch- things don't really start happening until I get there!"

Me and my bff Lila!

"Ew! Winston is wearing a speedo!"

"Omg! I love the Beach Disco!"

The school needs another event to celebrate the Wakefields like I need a hole in the head

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Gah, how much do you want to throw a punch? That smug smile. Those awful bangs.

And seriously, was this even necessary? Does SVH really need more of something that gives Jessica attention? I think Francine is taking the concept of “popular” too literally. From what I remember, the popular kids in my school weren’t necessarily the most well-liked. Many girls hated them, others feared them, but they had some sort of control over the others. So I doubt that every student is so excited for Jessica to be in the spotlight of some dumb talk show. The plot is too dumb and trite to actually explain, so I’ll give you the main players.

ERIC PARKER: An alumn of SVH who is now a famous talk show host. For some reason, he wants to film his show back at his alma matter, and wants to find the “all-American, well rounded college student” for his segment on “Growing Up in America.” Yea, battling werewolves and murdered boyfriends makes you All-American. Good going, Parker.

JESSICA: Attention whore, of course doesn’t just WANT to win, but thinks she DESERVES to win. She is concerned because she doesn’t have many extra-curricular activities. Apparently being a sociopathic cock tease doesn’t translate well on a resume. So she decides to write an article for The Oracle so she can put “journalist” on her application. She writes a story about all the bad dates she’s been on, but changes the guys’ names. Guess who Reginald Rich is? Also, according to Jessica, he kisses like a dead jellyfish. Last I checked, jellyfish couldn’t untie your bikini top.

BRUCE: Is all pissy that Jessica spread the rumor about him. He vows to get even with her. People have been teasing him about the “dead jellyfish” comment all week. To make himself feel better, he rubs himself in baby oil and rolls around in a big pile of money, then cries himself to sleep while masturbating to a picture of himself.

LILA: Gets super-psycho-competitive with Jessica because Lila is picked as the alternate. Lies on her application and makes it seem like she does tons of activities and isn’t rich. Tries to sabotage Jessica by making her miss the interview. Teams up with Bruce to set Jessica up by driving her out to an expensive store and leaving her there, and framing her for shoplifting. Bruce “puts in a call” to the store pretending to be police warning the store of a shoplifter that fits Jessica’s description. This “frenemy” thing with Jessica is…actually quite sick.

ELIZABETH: Ugh. Makes it all about her. Gets all pissy when Penny Ayala loves Jessica’s article right away and feels like she never gets the attention as a reporter. Decides she needs to try more activities so she and Enid become junior park rangers (laaaaaaaaaaaame). Of course, the head ranger recognizes Liz’s tremendous sense of maturity and responsibility and makes her head junior ranger. Liz gets overwhelmed and decides to quit, only AFTER SHE GETS THE VALIDATION. So she makes it all about proving she’s the best, and leaves the park rangers high and dry. When Jessica doesn’t make the interview, she decides to go on as Jessica.

Lila is surprised to see that “Jessica” made it back from being held in jail, and IT NEVER OCCURS TO HER THAT IT MAY BE LIZ. Jessica is fine with Liz appearing on the show, and actually doesn’t care that she couldn’t appear because she just enjoys the attention it gets her. And Elizabeth still gets to feel all holier-than-thou because she can still think the whole tv show thing is immature, but meanwhile got to be on the show. Where have we seen that before?

And what parents or friends REALLY can’t tell twins apart? Well, I guess these are the same people who though crazy Margo was the twins.

If this were behind my attic wall, I’d run away from the house. Screaming.

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Are you kidding me with this? There’s scary and creepy, and then there’s this, which gave me nightmares. I don’t do well with talking dolls. I purposely never watched the Chucky movies, I avoided Teddy Ruxpin as a child, and the “Talking Tina” episode of the Twilight Zone is one of the scariest. Maggie is a sickly orphan and sent to live with unknown relatives. Very Secret Garden, right? She’s sent to live at a boarding school owned by two sisters, except no one is at the school anymore. So creepy red flag number one.

Maggie starts hearing voices that no one else can hear, and she and everyone else thinks she is crazy. As Hermione Granger would say, “Hearing voices is never a good sign.” Til one day she finds a hidden attic where there are dolls that are walking and talking. Instead of running away, arms flailing, she starts to hang out with the dolls, who are an older couple with a dog. See cover. They have fun time adventures, which include a picnic with wood pieces serving as bread and butter. Through the love of the dolls, she learns to love and opens up to others more.Turns out the dolls are haunted and animated by the ghosts of a dead couple that used to live in the house. Or something.

Then one day her aunts find the room and as soon as they are seen, the dolls fall down dead and don’t move. For days. So not only do you have walking and talking dolls, but now you have dead corpse dolls. Eventually the dolls come back to life and all is well and everyone lives happily ever after. Yikes.

There are only a few things that really scared me as a child. They were:

  • this book
  • Large Marge showing Pee Wee what the people who fell off the top of the Empire State building in a truck looked like as they were pulled out of the wreckage
  • the corpse of the dead kid in Stand By Me
  • Genesis’ “Land of Confusion” video
  • Talking Heads “Blind” video )you can’t find it online- thank god

To whomever told me I should read this, we are so fighting right now

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Shut up shut up shut up. You’re a teen soap opera star and life is hard, wah. Shana is a bigger pain in the ass than Jessica Wakefield. Although, being on the soap opera does seem rather boring. Aren’t their child labor laws? And she mostly does scenes with her grandmother, another famous star. Who, apparently, has switched over from another soap opera just to monitor Shana’s progress. Shana’s grandmother is a slave driver who makes Shana practice all the time. Gee, imagine that? Having to work at your craft.

Also, Shana is dating Mitch, the male lead on the show. I think Mitch is about thirty five years old. They break up near the beginning, and Shana suspects her bff on the show, Katie, who plays Mitch’s love interest, is interested in him. But, Mitch treats Katie like shit and berates her in front of everyone, but Katie can’t help loving him. See, it really is a soap opera! ON SCREEN AND OFF SCREEN!

Meanwhile, Shana gets involved in the hottie guest star, some famous tennis player. She takes him out to impress him at- get this- THE HARD ROCK CAFE! What’s next, the Red Lobster in Times Square? Meanwhile Shana learns that her grandmother is only pushing her for her own good. Also, Shana does have a mother, who apparently just doesn’t want to raise her. So I guess I could give her a break.

The whole time I was reading this inside I was screaming DO THESE GIRLS GO TO SCHOOL? About three-quarters through it was revealed they go to a special school for kids in the biz and is very flexible. Well, that’s convenient.

Someone somewhere commented that they would rather read about the popular, glamorous rich kids when they read teen books instead of the shy regulars, but I disagree. Especially when…her life doesn’t seem to be much fun. Most of the other stars on the show are older and Shana doesn’t even seem to enjoy it.

Also, I had that sweater in about 4 different colors. I got them at G&G at the mall. Did that store even exist? Did I dream it?

I was never totally into sop operas, but for a few months in 1995-1996ish I was way into General Hospital. Mostly because I had an obsession with Steve Burton [who I first fwell in luv with on Out of This World]. There was some pretty kick ass plots and some hotties then. Sonny, the hard gangsta guy, was falling in love with Brenda [Vanessa Marcil] who was just rejected by one of the smokin’ Quartermain brothers. I was also obsessed with the Quartermains because they were rich and cocky bastards. Well, Jack Burton was the nice one.  Rena Sofer played a manager to a guy who was a rock star in his secret life, and an accountant by day and poor Rena Sofer didn’t know that. [He was the middle-aged male Hannah Montana].

This is a recent picture. Are they still on the show? Just make out already.

The other thing that was pretty kick-ass is that each year the hospital would put on a benefit and the characters would put on a hokey variety show. And it would last all week. Lucy, the town bitch, would host it and wear a different outfit each scene. Robin, the town’s Elizabeth Wakefield, was dating a guy named Stone that I thought was super dreamy but then he died of AIDS. Ruh roh! Also, some mean guy Damien was playing a Dangerous Liaisons type game with the town bitch and played some woman, who turned psycho and tried to kill Damien to get her revenge.

must. find. copy.

I am equally ashamed and impressed with myself that I remember all those plot points.

dirtbike rallies: all the rage in Sweet Valley

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[Cover from The Closet]

Was there a ghostwriter strike that we didn’t know about? Was anyone ever doing quality control when these things were released? I can’t even…ugh. I’ll have to organize my thoughts in a list or else it will be a bunch of random cursing and jumble.

  • Michael Harris is quite the winner. As you may (or not) remember, he was in a secret relationship with Maria Santelli, was controlling and mean and forced Maria to become his child bride. She dumped him for Winston Egbert, and lucky Michael he’s found love with April Dawson. And guess what? He’s a controlling asshole and doesn’t want to do anything fun with April and guilts her into practicing for dirt bike rallies 24 hours a day. When she confronts him on it, he belittles her. Of course, April’s of the “he yells at me because he cares” variety, so it’s okay. He’s intense, y’all.
  • Yes, April is a dirtbike racer. Of course, she rides a pink bike. Just to remind us that she has a vagina.
  • Speaking of vagina, those jeans are riding up hers.
  • April Dawson suddenly popped out of nowhere, and doesn’t seem to have any friends other than Michael. Oh, and the Wakefield twins. Because if you are not friends with them the Sweet Valley chamber of commerce makes you move away. This gal sure is lucky. Just when she needs someone to talk to, Liz pops out of nowhere! Just when she needs a friend to go shopping with, Jessica is there!
  • And don’t even get me started…the cover and title HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE STORY.  Somewhere, James feels betrayed. And no one bothered to fix that? April is not caught between two guys in a love triangle. Michael and Artie Western used to be bffs but Michael challenged him to a race but almost kills him and they are fighting. April agrees to be Artie’s partner in the dirt bike relay and Michael gets mad and challenges him to a duel…ON DIRT BIKES. Artie ends up in the hospital and they make up and April forgives Michael for being a violent, controlling freak. He’s intense, y’all.
  • This is also the book where Jessica meets Sam Woodruff, at a dirtbike rally where she is cheering on her suddenly new bff, April. Sam actually seems pretty nice and has a personality. Too bad he’ll be roadkill in about 20 books.
  • Jessica is scared that her parents will be angry that she is dating a guy on a dirt bike since the coma debacle with Liz (at least there’s continuity). But they are magically ok with it. They brush it off as “yea, so your sister had a bad accident and was in a coma and for a while turned into a nympho, but we’ll let this one slide.” Good parenting, Nalice.
  • You thought we were free and clear of Liz and Todd’s salty and sweet french fry and milkshake kisses? No such luck. They decide to do an “Anything you can do, I can do better” number and challenge each other to do tasks typical of the opposit gender, to show that being a guy/girl is so hard! Way to break gender role stereotypes. Liz makes Todd bake cookies and knit something and Todd makes Liz build a shelf and change a tire. Hilarity ensues. Vomit escapes my mouth.
  • Is it just me or are the guys on the cover kind of hung? Also, Jean Tuxedo seems to be looking at April’s hair and thinking “dayum, could you have more bangs?”

Epic Win: Mary Downing Hahn

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It’s hard for me not to bring the snark but can we have a moment for the fantastic Mary Downing Hahn? A lady so great she needs three names. Thanks to Pamela who gave me this book to read. Mar really knows how to write about children’s angst without just making it about boys and makeup. Jessica meets Daphne, who is the class weirdo but doesn’t seem to care. When working on a book project together, Jessica learns that Daphne lives out on an old farm with her senile Grandmother who barely feeds them and Daphne is basically taking care of her grandmother and her little sister, and almost starving to death. She doesn’t want anyone to know because they may take them away. Jessica struggles with not telling anyone, and also struggles with associating with Daphne who the kids at school make fun of. In the end Jessica tells her mother and the girls are put in an orphanage but then are finally adopted by a distant cousin. Daphne forgives Jessica but has to move away to an orphanage (are they even called that anymore?). Daphne is mad at first that Jessica told, but finally forgives her in the end, and distant relatives adopt them.

And seriously? I read this one night and bawled my eyes out.

MDH, as I like to call her, also wrote the Jellyfish Season, which I adored. it seems that she writes about girls who feel awkward, and not just in a I’m-going-through-puberty way, but girls who really can’t relate and try to reach out to their families and maybe don’t always succeed. Jessica is feeling especially crappy at school because her childhood best friend has suddenly become popular so Jessica tags along with the popular kids and although they are not very welcoming to her but she sticks it out anyway to be with her friend. Jessica, Jessica, I’ve been there. And in my early twenties, not just as a kid.

In my internet searches, I came to the realization that MDH also penned the horror classic.  Wait Till Helen Comes (not to be confused with the porno of the same title. I KILL myself.). and OH MY GOD I read the shit out of this one.

Some things I remember so vividly. The main character has parent that just remarried and they move into what used to be an old church. There was even a floorplan of the church included. My real estate fetish was in affect even back then, so I was into it. She also had a bratty stepsister who she hated but was super favored by the parents. The bratty stepsister became friends with Helen, the ghost of a little girl who drowned in the lake. Helen wanted brat girl to drown herself, Jenny Wilder style, in the lake so she’s have another ghost friend to play with. Main character saves her and all is well. And man, this shit was scary. And not in a Dawn’s secret passage scary, but pretty creepy.

However, I am not sure what is scarier, the ghost or the little girl’s mullet.

Mary Downing Hahn, I salute you.

I wish I knew you. We’d meet at a local coffee shop and you’d show up in your cozy cardigan, and we’d write short stories and share them with each other. And then I’d tell you about my struggling relationship with my mother and you’d say “there, there dear” and give me some tea.