Monthly Archives: February 2009

The Stolen Diary, as performed by the cast of Battlestar Galactica

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[cover photo from The Closet]

Cast:

Caprica Six as Jessica

Natalie as Elizabeth

Lee “Apollo” Adama as Todd

Gauis Baltar as Kris Lynch

Samuel Anders as Mr. Collins

Hi Todd, I missed you at lunch! We were supposed to feed each other french fries!

God woman, you’re suffocating me! We should see other people! Namely, I should start dating Peggy, who just wants to make out and doesn’t want to tie my balls up with a gold lavaliere and lead me around.

Well, two can play at that game!
–

Ah, Liz, I know I’ve never been mentioned before this, but I’m Kris Lynch and  I work at the Oracle and have been masturbating to your Eyes and Ears column all year.

Ok, let’s go out and go to the dance together! That’ll show Todd!

–

Ah Liz, I am so glad you decided to go out with me. I’ve been dreaming of this moment forever.

Did you just inhale oxygen? Todd does that when he breathes! Speaking of there he is! Omg! He’s dancing with Peggy! I can’t take it!

Then let’s get out of here and go to Miller’s Point!

Um, I’d rather not. In fact, I don’t like you?

WHAT? You little tease! I know you like me! I’m going to force you to make out with me!

Let me go! Although I think this is my fault for leading you on, you’re a creep! You don’t even go to football games! What kind of freak are you?

FINE! You’ll be sorry.

–

Hey everyone, your midterm is postponed because there is some gossip about the Wakefields. Apparently, Kris Lynch and Elizabeth Wakefield are going out and apparently she goes to second base. Whatever, that’s old news to me.

Omg! I can’t believe everyone is talking about me! And Kris keeps telling my friends about the secrets I swore not to tell anyone! Oh, on an unrelated note, I can’t find my diary! But anyway, I WONDER HOW HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT ME!

I’ll get to the bottom of this. I’ll bet Kris Lynch stole Liz’s diary. I know this because the title of this book gave away the plot twist.

–

Jessica, Enid, Todd I am sorry that I blackmailed Liz and tarnished her reputation after I tried to force her with violence to have sex with and she refused. It was just a goof! Will you forgive me?

Well, okay, I guess it happens to the best of us. Let’s just laugh it off over a double-cheese bacon and ham pizza!

Kris: Okay, but what are you gonna order?

All: HAR HAR HAR HAR! [All link arms and skip to the pizza place.]

Cecilia, you’re breaking my heart

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Really, Aunt Cecilia? Really? You are going to let that brat Jessi talk to you that way? Really?You are seriously nervous that you don’t think you can be as good a baby-sitter as Jessi? She’s eleven! Really, you are going to give and let her get away with that crap? Really? Even when she doesn’t seem to care that her mother has just got back into a career and wants the best for her? And doesn’t even care that your husband, her uncle, just recently passed away? REALLY? I say go ahead and hit her with that spoon. If not for being a self-righteous brat, then for wearing that Bill Cosby sweater.

But you may not know this, Aunt Cecilia, but Jessi is about to teach you a valuable life lesson that she learned from meddling in poor innocent children’s lives. She’s helping Jackie Rodowsky with his science project, only she’s going to do it for him instead of coaching him to do it himself. SEE? Just like you are doing. Be prepared, she’s going to throw that in your face. Maybe you can throw something back in her face: tell her to get friends her own age and stop hanging out with the kids they babysit for.

Also, you may need to check on Squirt. He looks a little funny. Kind of like Benjamin Button when he was born.

Reader of the Month…and perhaps the only entry of the month

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Seriously, do they get one entry a month for these things?  I think this may actually be the way they hire ghost writers. This one comes from Alexandra, who has some awesome crispy bangs.

My name is Alexandra. I am fourteen years old, and I am in seventh grade [ummmm, left back much?] I go to St. Andrews, and next year I will go to Connelly School of the Holy Child. I live in Bethesda, Maryland, which is outside Washington, DC [way to give pedophiles a map to your house, Alex].

The reason I like Sweet Valley High books is because they seek a new world, and they see things in a new way. Also, each character defines his or her own life. They also make me think about what it would be like if the things that happen in the books would happen to me when I am sixteen. For example, perhaps my best friend would be in a plane crash and I would help her get better. [Yea, I always wonder what it would be like if Bruce touched my boobs.] I really like to read about Elizabeth and Jessica because the author paints a picture with words about their life, school, and roots. The author also creates a world that is different from my life.

All the English teachers out there are probably gouging their eyes out. Maybe Liz could volunteer to tutor Alexandra after school. Just out of the goodness of her heart.

Did I write this book?

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For real,I am doubtful that Betsey Haynes actually wrote this one herself. I think that one of my attempts at writing teen romance somehow got into the hands of publishers and was published under her names. I’ve mentioned my other series about teen models on a shoot together on a cruise? [Apparently in my young life I thought a cruise was the epitome of glamor.] Also, if this is Bets’ idea of Hollywood than…yikes, Bets. You should get out more.

So this is when Taf is in seventh grade, happening concurrently with the Fabulous Five series. She’s got gotten her big break- a role in a made-for-tv-movie! She’s sad to leave her besty, Shawnie Pendergast, and her new boyfriend, but seriously, how can she give up this opportunity! This part was MADE for her! She will play the role of Tiffany Stafford! A girl who is the victim of girl bullying by a clique led by Jillian Morris! Except that Tiffany finally wins them over in the end. Wow, sounds like a riveting plot. Wait a minute…Taffy Sinclair…Tiffany Stafford…Jillian Morris…Jana Morgan …those names are almost the same! It’s like the movie WAS WRITTEN ABOUT HER LIFE!

Taffy arrives in Hollywood and gets the star treatment. A limo, fancy hotel, and then a big fancy party at the director’s swanky mansion. And the director is Jerry Lowenthal, obviously a Jew. Nice stereotyping. She befriends Tess, who is fifteen, but looks like an eight year old and plays the little sister in the movie. Um, okay? Paige, who plays the nemesis Jillian Morris, hates Taffy because she wanted the main role. You see, Paige is a former child star who is looking for her big break. So, Taffy needs to win over Paige, just like in the movie, and just like her real life. THIS WORKS ON SO MANY LEVELS! Finally, there’s Raven Blaine, the seventeen-year old teen idol who plays the love interest in the movie. Who secretly is in love with Taffy but is too shy to let her know. Blaine, who is seventeen and drives a Porsche and has his own house in the Hollywood Hills, is in love with 12-year-old Taffy. Nice one.

The reason I say I wrote this is because not much in the book advances, the ahem, plot, but more describes various aspects of being in a Hollywood movie that my ten year old self would imagine. The gals all hang out in their trailer and gossip, and have to do schoolwork on the set. When they cast goes out and hangs out, Raven needs to go in disguise himself to block the fan pandemonium. I’m also pretty sure they film the movie in chronological order. The only realistic thing is that Taffy’s mother is on the set with her, for which she is embarrassed about. At least child labor laws are in effect.

Something like this movie would in reality be the subject of a Lifetime movie starring Meredith Baxter Birney. But those are filmed at some soundstage in Canada, and not quite with all the hoopla surrounding this movie. Then again, it could be a made-for-tv Disney movie where they break out into song and then the starlets later accidentally leak naked pictures of themselves online. Then I guess this movie could be a big deal.

But let’s talk about more important things, likie this cover. I am pretty sure the model for the cover is the same girl who plays Stacey in the Baby-Sitters Club videos. The fact that I know this makes me hate myself.  And that outfit! I had the same one. Except that it was red with black spatter paint design on it. I got it and wore it through the Bat Mitzvah season.  I think with a black turtleneck underneath. Sometimes I just wore the vest over a HUGE button down shirt and leggings. What designer ever thougtht that having a skirt that was tight over the abdomen and then flared out would ever be flattering?

Why I’m done with Twilight

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I’m about three-fourths done with the book, and I just can’t bring myself to finish it. Don’t get me wrong, I thrive on the awful and horrible. Obviously, that’s the raison d’etre for this whole blog. But for me, the book is a whole new level of bad that I can’t even stomach. The more I read, the more enraged I became at the publishing industry and the English language as a whole. I am sure the immense hype and fangirl-dom didn’t help it either, which only fueled my fire. Jessica and Elizabeth are easy to hate; they are over the top parodies of themselves.  Yea, I know I’m missing out on some magical baseball game that pits vampires against humans, but I’ll take another Liz and Todd breakup over that anyday.

Maybe one day after the apocalypse, my house and books will burn down and magically this book will be saved and I’ll read it as an alternative to the boredom of the impending downfall of humans and I’ll let you know how it is.

For your amusement:
Some crazy fan makes a replica of Bella’s womb.

Twilight Moms: “Fans of the Twilight Series in OUR STAGE of life (whether you’re a mom or not) now have a place where we can gather unashamed of our irrational obsession with vampires and werewolves. We have a place where “our kind” can relate without having to wade through all the teenage Internet code mumbo jumbo like “OMG!!! IMHO Edward is sooo Hawt!!!” (usually a dead giveaway that you should be doing your social studies homework for 3rd period instead of playing on the computer.) FYI, it was a group of 14/15 year olds that “changed” me. However, OUR world of balancing family, work, home, marriage AND…our Twilight obsession is unique, fun, and oh, so very humorous. The personal stories and experiences I’ve heard and read from women all over the world are a blast. YOU LADIES ROCK!!!”

This…just….boggles…my…mind. They are trying to convince themselves that they are “above” all the crazy fandom. Just call it what it is.

Bite Me! Or Don’t. A fantastic article from Bitch magazine about how Stephenie has created a new genre: abstinence porn.

Someone who is more eloquent than I who expresses the reasons for my dislike.  Of course, the backlash on the comments is just as hilarious. “u r a IDIOT!!!
obviously, you don NOT understand 1. single. little. tiny. THING. about love.”

Finally, The Vampire Diaries has been picked up as a tv series. Written by Kevin Williamson. Ugh. Just what we need, another damsel in distress as a role model. With voiceovers and James Van der Beek as Stefan.

For those of you that do enjoy the series, please don’t take this as an affront, this is not meant as an insult to the individuals that read them. I still respect your opinion and if these books give you enjoyment, why not savor that enjoyment?

Penny Ayala, pathetic piece of crapa

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[Cover from The Closet.]

The halls of SVH are all abuzz with the new personal ads in The Oracle. Oh, how archaic! People place personal ads and then people write letters to an anonymous mailbox. High-schoolers nowadays can place an ad on craigslist and be banging a thirty year old within the hour. Anyway, for some reason, Lynne Henry is organizing the whole thing, and she doesn’t even work for the paper. I don’t know why. One smooch from Guy Chesney and she goes from frumptress to Mary Tyler Moore.

Liz suggests that Penny place an ad and Penny gets all stand-offish, and Liz decides to pity her because Penny doesn’t have a boyfriend, and Liz is all, well, I’m awesome and I have a hot boyfriend so I should help her.  And Liz seriously won’t leave it alone, and writes endless entries in her journal about poor, pathetic, unlovable Penny. And practically puts a gun to her head to write an ad. And here is where we get to know the real Penny. No longer is she the secondary character that dumps big deadlines on Liz’s shoulders, but she’s someone who appears to be a bitch on the outside, because deep down, she just wants to be loved! Even Jeffrey thinks Liz is being annoying about it.

“Anything wrong?”

“Not really,” she said slowly. “Just someone I wish I could help, that’s all. “

He chuckled. “The usual.”

Seriously, the gross thing about Penny is that she’s into school and writing and ambitious. My god, what a troll! This will all resolve itself when she goes off to college and meets a hot literature grad student but not having a date to the dance in Sweet Valley is akin to leprosy, so let’s all pity Penny for a moment, shall we?

Penny places an ad that tries a bit too hard, but is kind of funny and gets in equally funny response. Little does she know that who answered her ad was Neil Fremount, who hangs out with super dick Kirk Anderson. And we know Kirk is a dick because he drives a Trans Am. They answer the ad as Jamie, as a goof. They make plans to meet at the mall so they can see the gal show up and see what she looks like. And hence we get one of the first covers from Jimmy where the characters are not posing for a Sears portrait studio. That’s Penny, in the mall bookstore, annoyed that Jamie is late, and wearing her red headband to let him know that it is her.

The guys show up, laugh that it is Penny and tell Neil that she will make him write term papers for her. Seriously though? That seems way more exciting than stuffing my face with cheeseburgers and going to the Beach Disco every five minutes. Meanwhile, it started as a joke, but Neil has really started to feel something! And he’s gone out with lots of pretty girls (ahem, Jessica) but finds them boring. He likes Penny’s sass and brains.

Penny gets upset and Neil finally stands up to his dick friends and he and Penny meet at the Dairi Burger for some cutesy flirting. All is resolved. And Penny has a date to the dance! Phew! I thought she’s have to spend all weekend at home studying for the SATs. Thank god she was saved for that.

Meanwhile, Jessica and Lila have a wager over who can attract the best guy with their personal ad. Jessica meets one guy, Paulo, who she can’t even deal with because he’s overweight. Jessica makes up a story about how she has a deadly disease (Mono? MS?) and gets headaches. Paulo, the bumbling fat idiot thinks she’s really brave. Then she meets a totally hot college guy who wants to know all about her. Turns out it’s the same guy that Lila has met as well. Turns out that he is a student doing a sociology project on girls who place personal ads. So Jessica is made an ass of, which was nice.  Why in the holy hell are college students answering ads placed in a high school newspaper?

Here is Jessica’s ad:

Are you devastatingly handsome? Are romantic and wild? Do you like girls who aren’t afraid of danger? Are you the type of guy who goes for what he wants? Are you in college? If you answered yes to all the above questions, drop me a line. I’ve been looking for you.

That sounds like an open invitation for someone to kidnap her and feed her frozen pancakes.