Monthly Archives: January 2009

Steven’s Bride: The Condensed Version

Posted on by
45

[Cover courtesy of The Closet]

Steven: Oh noes! Cara is moving to London!

Jessica: Why don’t you marry her? That way she won’t have to move.

Steven: What a great idea! Jess, your ideas always work, so I will do it!

–

Steven: Cara, will you marry me?

Cara: Marriage! That means my own apartment, I can have parites when I want and stay up as late as I want! Why yes Steven!

—

Lila: Cara, we are throwing you a bridal shower. Any excuse to throw a party at my house. My housekeeper gets bored so I have to give her stuff do do.

Amy: Here, I got you a sexy negligeee!

Cara: Gulp. Oh yea, I guess if we are married, I have to have sex with Steven. I had not thought of that until just now.

Jessica: Here! I got you dishes!

Cara: Gulp. Oh yea, I guess if I get married I have to have responsibilities and do housework. I hadn’t thought of that until now.

—

Steven: Whoa is me. I just got into a the pre-law program at college but I can’t do it because I have to get a part time job to support Cara and our shitty apartment. I really think this marriage is a bad idea but I’m just not going to say anything.

—

Cara: Yikes. I’m afraid to get married because I’m young and it is pretty much a felony so I am just not going to say anything.

—

Jessica and Elizabeth: We are going to do something we never do: go to our parents when we need help.

[The Wakefield fam stop the wedding just in time for Cara to get cold feet at the altar.]

Cara: Apparently, I do have to move to London because my character is probably too boring for this series.

Jessica: I am a sociopath devoid of all human empathy so I’m actually not that sad that my supposed best friend is moving.

Elizabeth: I am awesome because I totally know what’s right for everyone.

Steven: I’m a massive tool.

The End.

Nicknamed “Lips”

Posted on by
42

Whenever I hit a thriftstore, I always am on the lookout for old YA lit or old toys. I got a bargain on this gem for 50 cents. Remember it?

If not, let me refresh your memory. You pick your dream boy out of the boyfriend cards and your friends have to guess what qualities you look for. However, the person that owned this game took all the boyfriend cards! Alas, we still have the guys on the cover.

The obligatory captain of the football team. Who looks a lot like my brother, so that’s kind of weird.

Huh? His lips look kind of pale and crusty. If this was a girl, her nickname would be “whore”.

Nothing like promoting little girls to be gold diggers. Is his family millionaires? Did he make his own millions selling lemonade? Could these be the whitest guys you’ve ever seen?

I totally see the appeal for girls, but again, it is promoting this SVH-ish idea of getting a hot boyfriend is “winning” and the best boyfriend is the rich, popular one. Where’s the goth guy? And the indie emo guy? Do all girls really go for the captain of the football team these days?

But this does not even begin to rival the craptastica Girl Talk Dateline. The goal is to match up a girl and a boy, shove the two plastic pieces into a fake phone, which activates a tape-recorded phone call of the guy calling the girl and sometimes he gets rejected when she says she’s “washing her hair”. Yay for heterosexism!

My best friend and I thought Tanya was the coolest evs.

Drew scares me.

Of course, god forbid you are caught with the nerds!

Homer is kind of hipster looking. And I totally dig guys into computers. Of course, Gert is a nerd because she has GLASSES! Oh the horror! She looks kind of like Lynne Henry, am I right?

‘Tis Pity She’s Not a Whore.

Posted on by
26

I don’t know why I subjected myself to more of this miniseries, it’s not like the previous one was so stellar.  This miniseries was also the point where the big changeover happened, where SVH tried to change into multi-book storylines. Kind of like when Beverly Hills, 90210 went from self-contained stories in single episodes (Brenda may have breast cancer! Brandon dates a teenage mom! Kelly almost gets raped on Halloween!) to a continuous melodrama. Yea, it didn’t work for that, either.

Nothing much has changed in this one. Elizabeth still feels guilty for killing Sam. Sam continues to be dead. Jessica still mourns over Sam and is mad at Elizabeth. Lila continues to not shut her trap about her mother Grace. Margo continues to murder small children, drowning them in lakes and killing old women in public restrooms. You know, the usual.

How does Jessica extract her revenge on Liz? By leaving the newspaper article about the arrest where Liz can see it. Oooo, burn. And putting the moves on Todd. You know, because he is just dumb enough to fall for it.

Lila finally meets her mother but is mad because she also has an annoying French boyfriend she pays attention to instead of Lila. This guy is such a French stereotype he wears a stripe shirt and beret while miming eating a baguette.

Also, Liz is arrested for the murder of Sam, and she spends the evening in jail. Uh, would they really put a minor in jail? Maybe, I don’t know. Also, while she is in the clink, Liz gets harassed by some badass hookers.  One of them was “wearing a lot of makeup, and was dressed in a short, tight, satin skirt, a skimpy halter top, and glittery silver stockings.” Isn’t that something Jessica would wear to the beach disco? They taunt her and call her rich girl, and tell her that her blond California looks drives the guys wild and could earn her a lot of money.  I am surprised at this point Liz doesn’t talk to these women and talk them out of a life of prostitution and into a life of crocheting or something. But Liz just shrinks back and is scared. Of course, because all sex workers are disgusting, immoral people who choose their line of work. Thanks, Sweet Valley for another lesson. Also, I am intrigued that Sweet Valley actually has sex workers. Where’s the demand? Probably when Ned is entertaining clients.

And does Sweet Valley have the WORST police force ever? Liz cannot remember anything about the night of the accident, and doesn’t know why she had alcohol in her system. Don’t the cops ever ask her IF SHE HAD ANYTHING TO DRINK at the dance and finding out the punch? Spiking punch at the dance is the oldest high school cliche in the book, right up there with spying on girls in the locker room. They couldn’t think of this? What the hell are they teaching them in the police academy?

There’s also some, ahem, comedy, in this one. I guess the ghosties wanted to offset the image of the bloated body of a dead child floating in the lake. Nicholas Morrow goes on the show Hunks and has to go on three dates with three girls and talk about it on the show. And it’s about as funny as Winston’s lunchtime comedy shows. It also reinforces that anyone outside of the mainstream, chino-wearing, cheerleader/football player archetype is beyond FREAKISH! The first woman he goes out with is kind of punk, has tattoos and takes him to a biker bar. Therefore, is a total freak who doesn’t deserve to live. Nicholas is all embarrassed by her and is harassed by the people at the bar who think he is a narc. I just think he is a tool. The other girl he goes out with giggles all the time and wears a sweatshirt and jeans on their date, The NERVE! She should be burned at the stake. The third girl is pretty and perfect looking, but Nicholas screws up the date by getting a flat tire and puking, but she doesn’t mind and kisses him on the show. She doesn’t seem to have any sort of personality. Just like the perfect Sweet Valley girl should.

Can I get an ahem for this being the worst cover ever? Todd and Jess have the longest legs ever, and Liz’s hair confuses me. And OMG! Is that the Wakefield’s splkit-level pefect house in the background??? Is this the first time we’ve seen it?

Thanks for the obvious, Alyssa.

Posted on by
22

I am making up for not reading anything else this week by posting our much-loved Reader of the Month. By this point, they must really be scraping the bottom of the barrel. Alyssa is apparently a bundle of raging hormones that likes to point out the obvious as well as ignoring the concept of organizing paragraphs into topic sentences.

I have been reading Sweet Valley High for almost three years. I like them because they have so much…everything.

Super Thrillers have danger, suspense, mystery, romance, fear, bombs, escapes and more. [Bombs, yes, she said bombs. May I also add crazy people who like to steal faces?]

Super Editions have feelings of love, hate, sadness, guilt, deception and more.

Super Stars, Super Thrillers, Super Editions and all the regular ones all make you feel like you are with them. [With what?]

I am more like Jessica than Elizabeth. I get into trouble and always expect my brother to bail me out. Until third grade I never knew or cared if boys lived. [What? So you murdered boys in first grade?] Now they are one of the most important things in my life. I am also usually outgoing. I’m like Elizabeth a little because when I grow up I want to write books. [And very much like Elizabeth in that you think you are a good writer when in fact, you are not. ] I like (love) to read, and one of my favorite kind of books to read is Sweet Valley High. [Huh? Are you saying that like and love are the same thing? Somewhere, your English teacher is having a seizure.]

Alyssa, you slay me with your writing.

The super evil plan to destroy Caitlin Ryan

Posted on by
21

“Oh Julian, I feel the same way,” Caitlin replied, full of love. “I wish I could take this moment and wrap it up and keep it forever.”

Just to recap: Caitlin started college and met Julian, who secretly hatched a plan with Caitlin’s roommate Louise to break up Jed and Caitlin to make Caitlin miserable. Louise’s motive was because Caitlin was more popular than her, and Julian ‘s motive was to get revenge on Caitlin because when they were kids, Caitlin was in his poor mining town to give out presents and she cried when he tried to touch her velvet coat. And he’s been jerking off to this memory for like 15 years.Caitlin was jealous of Jed maybe dating someone in Montana, and Julian swooped in and wooed Caitlin.

Caitlin is back at college and in a sorority, because of course in Francine’s world, if you are not in a sorority you might as well kill yourself. She is organizing a bit for the school’s talent show, because of course she has experience organizing male beauty pageant fundraisers. She makes fraternity brothers dress up in tutus and dance to Swan Lake. Which embodies my #1 pet peeve:  Males dressing in drag, acting femme or gay for comedy. Ugh.

Ok, so perhaps I feel a little bad for Caitlin because the people she thinks are her friends secretly hate her. She may even be having a worse freshman year than I did, which included Friday nights alone  binge eating and watching William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet on a loop.  Also? Julian’s revenge plan on Caitlin is the most complicated thing ever. His plan includes:

  1. Make Caitlin break up with Jed
  2. Make Caitlin fall in love with him
  3. Give up a job in Boston for the summer for a medical internship at Harvard
  4. Convince Caitlin to apply for the job he gave up and make sure she gets it
  5. Convince her to move to Boston
  6. Convince her to live with him in Boston
  7. Convince Caitlin to sleep with him
  8. Dump her ass!

Because we all know that once a woman sleeps with a man she is a dirty lady whore. Caitlin will be ruined forever! Bwahahaha! Also, there are a lot of what-ifs in this plan. Really Julian? Really? Why doesn’t he just sleep with her at college? The guy is a senior and has his own apartment. You mean to tell me they do nothing but snuggle? Come on, this a private liberal arts school in the 1980s. I’m surprised they are not doing lines off each other’s asses. In fact, all of Caitlin and Julian’s dates are ridiculous. They have picnics in the park with brie cheese and feed each other strawberries. He also makes her clam linguine for dinner and plays Grieg on the cd player. What college senior does that?

Oh yea, Caitlin goes home for a bit in the summer before shacking up with Julian in Boston to confront Nicole and Colin, who are two con artists trying to exploit Caitlin’s grandmother and her father and steal their money. This has been built up for like six books, but here Caitlin confronts them and they skip town. Yea, a privileged eighteen year old is not match for two experienced con artists.

I don’t have to tell you that Jed catches on to Julian’s plan and confronts them both. Which I assume is what is depicted on the cover. Caitlin stands by passively while Jed and his jean tuxedo faces off with Bruce Patman wannabe Jed. She of course can’t assert herself in this situation; why, she’s only a woman of course! By this time Julian has actually fallen in love with Caitlin despite his plans but of course, because Caitlin is so beautiful and rich and luminous. Caitlin goes back to Jed and they vow to never be separated again. Except until the next trilogy.

There was not a whole lot of horse riding in this one. Bummer.