I’m off to New York for a couple of weeks and although I will do my best to post some stuff, it’s no guarantee. I mean, I am going to be super busy in New York. Once I am there I am going to meet a guy who is going to turn out to be a famous German rock star, and I’ll be so mad that I’ll break up with him and then run right into the arms of a guy who is really a werewolf who lives in the sewers. On top of that, someone who looks exactly like me will be trying to murder me. And on top of that, I’ll be discovered on the subway and asked to be in a Broadway show, and of course I’ll have an affair with the director who is really just the German rock star in disguise trying to win me back. Together we will scout out all the homeless people in New York and encourage them to get jobs by patting them on the shoulder.
But I digress. I have brought some Caitlin books with me on the plane because I totally forgot about that series, although I’ll have to hide them inside an issue of The New Yorker or something. So hopefully I’ll be able to post something. If not, please hang in there! I’ll be back.
Speaking of, it’s upsetting to me that a lot of other YA blogs have fallen off the radar. I know keeping up with blogging is hard, which probably means other these bloggers have more of a life than me. What happened to the Lurlene McDaniel death book recaps? Also, I miss Tales of a Former Walking Highlighter and I was excited about Jesus Beezus. If you are reading this, come back! Then again, if you have something going on in your life that involves real live humans to talk to, go with that. Another recap blog that I hope continues is Tanner Twister, which is hilarious in its hatred of Michelle Tanner. I hope it keeps up.
Also, starting January 4, I’ll be recapping The Bachelor for film.com. Be on the lookout. You can read my recaps of The Hillshere.
Sometimes it is ridiculous how convoluted and complicated these plots are. They’re like the Rube-Goldberg of plots. There’s a completely obvious way to simplify the story, but they decide to take the dubest, most unlikely route. Isn’t there some Occam’s razor theory that the simplest explanation is the best? I think Matthew McConaughey taught me that.
Ok, so here’s the ridiculousness. Susun Stewart, who we are hearing about for the first time in this book, is pretty and sophisticated and mostly hangs out with the rich kids from Bridgewater. Her boyfriend is Gordon somebody, a lesser version of B-Pat. Also, Susan doesn’t have am mother, but lives with a “guardian” she calls her Aunt Helen. Aunt Helen has promised to let Susan know who her real parents are when she turns eighteen. It may seem like a mere two years away, but in this world, it’s more like 20 years, so Iunderstand Susan’s frustration. Susan’s mysterious guardian also supplies her with money so she can have fancy clothes and hang with the rich kids. Susan is going with Gordon to the Bridgewater Ball, which is THE event of the season for white people. Lila is super jealous that Susan gets to go, and goes all psychopath and starts a rumor that Susan’s mother is really in a mental hospital, and Gordon breaks up with her because he can’t stand the shame. Why do these kids care so much about people’s parents anyway? I never really knew that much about my friend’s parents’ repuations. I’m pretty sure my friend’s father was a mob boss, but I didn’t care because she had her own tv and vcr in her room, so she was like a goddess to me.
Anyhow, there’s also a famous movie director coming to Sweet Valley to cast his movie. Because everywhere else the shit stinks, and the sewers of Sweet Valley smell like roses. Turns out he is really Susan’s father, and he wanted an excuse to come to Sweet Valley and see her. So why not get on his fucking private jet and just go? And the rumor makes Aunt Helen tell Susan the truth- she’s really Susan’s mother! She had a baby with Mr. movie director before she was married and then he left her, and when she moved to Sweet Valley, she was afraid of what PEOPLE WOULD THINK OF HER IF SHE HAD NO HUSBAND. So, the solution is, lie to your child her whole life! And then, poor Aunt Helen worked a waitressing job so Susan would think she was rich! And Susan of course, forgives her in a heartbeat. Because teenage girls are so rational.So, that adds the the list of people that are not allowed to live in Sweet Valley, including black people, overweight people, divorcees, kids without fathers, poor people, and now, single mothers. Got it. Check.
Meanwhile, Susan starts going out with Allen Waters, a shy guy. If it weren’t for Elizabeth’s help, he never would have the courage! Another poor piece of shit saved by Liz! Gordon wants Susan back, but she’s having none of it. She’s just a plebian now!
Having babies out of wedlock is the them here. The twins think Alice is pregnant but afraid to announce it to the family. So they come up with the brilliant plan to talk awkwardly about how much they love babies. Meanwhile, Alice and Ned think it’s because of the the twins is knocked up and get mad. Hilarity ensues! Alice isn’t pregnany, because she and Ned sleep in single beds in the same room like on old 50s sitcoms. I’m just so glad they acknowledge the concept of sex. Also, it’s a relief when the twins are only the subplot, because it means some sort of wacky Brady-Bunch hikinks, instead of rape and werewolves.
In other news, I watched The House Bunny [please don't ask why. It was an abomination of a movie.] But the screenplay read like the ghostwriters wrote it. It was like a Super Special, “Jessica runs a Sorority”. With the same dumb plot twists.
Excepts from Edward Cullen’s Twitter feed through Chapters 13 and 14
sparkleevamp67: (9:08) brb going to take Bella to the middle of nowhere
sparkleevamp67: (12:08) activate sparkle…. she totally digs it
sparkleevamp67: (1:09) god! I just want to rip out her internal organs. she needs to keep me from wanting to kill her. she’s such a tease.
sparkleevamp67: (1:47) told her she is asking for it, wearing that short skirt that shows off those…veins and arteries
sparkleevamp67: (2:30) omg! she just asked me if we can have teh sex! Tee hee
sparkleevamp67: (2:51) duh, doesn’t she know jasper and alice can only do it because their married? for a hundred years? if we do it she will die. just like stds.
sparkleevamp67: (4:05)ok time to go home
sparkleevamp67:(4:14) I just took her for a ride on my back, tauntaun style. chix dig that.
sparkleevamp67: (4:47)we kissed and she was horrible. i’ll have to make up an excuse as to why we can’t do that again
sparkleevamp67: (7:15) took me back to her house where I can maybe get to 2nd base
sparkleevamp67: (8:37)damn! charlie came home. i’ll have to settle for just watching her sleep again.
sparkleevamp67: (9:12) woops! I accidentally told her I do that every night. but she digs it. this chick is crazy
sparkleevamp67: (9:14) ok she just put on her jammies. Lost my boner a little bit.
sparkleevamp67: (10:15) this chick is great. all she wants to do is talk about me
Elizabeth shook her head, fresh tears streaming down her face. “But it’s prom night…and I’ve ruined it! Because I’m such a ba-bad person.” She swiped at the moisture soaking her eyes and cheeks, knowing she was probably smearing mascara all over her face but not caring. What did it matter now? Bit by bit she ripped the tissue in pieces, watching morosely as the scraps fluttered to the floor. Just like her chances with Todd and Devon, the tissue was shredded and mangled.
I’ve always been a fairly advanced reader, but seriously this whole Sweet Valley High project is seriously making me dumber. The writing above makes Stephenie Meyer look like Tolstoy.
Really, in order to be a ghost writer, you’d think a requirement would be to at least be familiar with the other books. So we won’t get something like this which makes no sense and rehashes almost 30 other book plots.
But, kudos to making this about the junior prom! We’ve made some progress in our completely illogical timeline! No worries that a Jungle Prom already happened and Jessica’s beloved died after it and Elizabeth was almost given the electric chair. Nah, it wasn’t even mentioned despite some of the prom stuff triggering that. But our twin femme-bots have much more to worry about.
This is part of a five-part miniseries [good lord] and this is the second book, and apparently in the book before this, Liz and Todd break up (no you guys, for realsies this time!) and she starts going out with Devon Whitelaw, a poor little rich boy with a motorcycle. Wait, a MOTORCYCLE? Didn’t Liz, uh have some issues with that, say 130 books ago? never mind that. Of course Jessica wanted him for herself, but he preferred Liz. What else is new? Jessica should have cried rape on him like she did with Todd, because that worked so well last time. No, I’m not being sarcastic. She and Todd actually did have some flings, no?
Meanwhile, Lila and Jessica don’t have dates, and they interviewed guys but both liked the same guy but promised each other they wouldn’t ask the guy, but they both did behind each other’s backs because they are heartless nasty bitches. This guy, Jordan, is awesome because he called shenanigans on them and dumped them both. So for Lila, this is the worst thing in the world for her. For Jessica, she decides to steal someone’s date. Just another day in the life of these horrible wenches.
Meanwhile, on Friday afternoon, Elizabeth was out doing something and Jess was home to take Devon’s message that he would meet Liz at the restaurant instead of Secca lake. Jess is too busy getting ready to remember to tell her. So Liz is waiting like a sad sack at Secca Lake, and Tood shows up because he wanted to go there and think about all the good times he had with Liz. Of course, they get back together and Liz is all fuck Devon, he stood me up and decides to go to the prom with Todd. [smacks forehead] Gah Liz, you were making so much progress with breaking up with him!
Jessica decides to go to the restaurant to explain things to Devon but takes one look at him and her loins vibrate and she decides to be Liz for the evening and at the end of the night Devon will be so in love with her that he won’t care that she tricked him. She acts all Jessica and they head out to the prom. Meanwhile, when they get there she runs into Liz with Todd, and hatches a plan. She convinces Liz to let Devon think she is Liz, therefore she won’t hurt Devon’s feelings and Liz can also be with Todd. Liz, supposedly being the sensible one, agrees.
Back the fuck up. Soooo many stupid things about this.
So what will Liz do at the end of the night? Date them both? Think that they won’t ever find out about each other?
Will they not see each other at the same prom, supposedly dancing with “Elizabeth”?
Apparently, their personalities don’t matter, because no one can ever tell what twin they are with. This is what annoys me about the twin switch- apparently people are so enraptured with their looks, that they don’t seem to notice the person has no idea about any past conversations. Hey, if Margo and Nora pulled it off, go to town.
Yea, so as you can imagine, it doesn’t work out. Lila is so pissed that Jessica is with Devon and that she doesn’t have a date, she decides to tell Devon the plan, and Devon feels like a total ass, so he yells at Liz, and so does Todd. Waaaaahhhhhhh! Liz runs off and Enid of course is right behind her, foaming at the mouth about the thought of comforting her.
Meanwhile, Courtney Kane, who we know is evil because she is wearing a slutty dress, is pissed because Todd dumped her for Liz. For like the third time. Oh Court, when will you learn that the Wakefield twins poop rainbows? She and Lila hatch a plan to make them miserable and Lila can get with Devon. Apparently this plan includes locking the twins plus Enid and maria Slater in a tool shed while the rest of the class goes on a yacht for the after prom party (all paid for by the school, mind you).
Finally the Scooby gang gets out of the shed and they miss the yacht launch, and here is where the book turns into a Michael Bay film. Liz and the gang jump into a speed boat and Liz drives the thing at like 90 miles an hour and they catch up with the yacht and they see Courtney push Todd over the edge. Liz of course jumps off the boat to save him, and pulls him to safety. She is more concerned that he will then profess he undying love to her instead of him being alive. He gives her the brush off and she bursts into tears again.
What would a Sweet Valley prom be without deranged killers, high speed boat chases and a Liz and Todd fight?
Also, I want to note that Enid’s date was Blubber Johnson. And he’s kind of a moron. Maria Slater’s (who is she? Another Liz disciple?} goes with a black model named Tyler Becksmith, obviously supposed to be Tyson Beckford. Ah, the late nineties.
This Devon Whitelaw character is so entranced with Liz that he’s kind of scary stalkerish. And he may be even more of a tool than Todd. “You have a way with words, Ms. Wakefield. The next thing you know, you’ll be spouting poerty. maybe you’ll even write a special poem abouyt our first dance together and read it to me by the beach one night.”
I seemed to have pushed this from my realm of consciousness until the other day when I was organizing my books and deciding which ones to sell. I saw this and had to post it here, because it is my secret shame that I not only read it, but own all three in the trilogy! I read this as a teen, as in my late teens, but my god, what the fuck. I mean, I am all up for a good erotic novel, but this one made me want to run screaming to a convent. I thought maybe it was because I wasn’t sexually mature enough to understand. I did reread it in college and yup, still didn’t do it for me. Even summarizing it may be NSFW, so I’ll put it under a cut.
Jimmy really earned his paycheck on this cover. Love how Liz is wiping away the single tear.
Previously, Ned and Alice were having marriage trouble. Ned has moved out temporarily to try and work things out or something. They keep mentioning that it is temporary, so why is everyone all upset? On the other hand, I can see why they may be a little upset, because in Sweet Valley, if your parents are divorced or you do not have a hetero-two parent family, you end of as a raging slut, have ‘roid rages, have really bad self-esteem, are dirt-poor, are pathetically boring, are distrustful of men, die of some terrible disease, drop out of school, just to name a few. So yea, I guess I’d be upset.
This fight brings out the absolute worst in the twins. Shall we start with Liz? First, she thinks the break up is all her fault because back when the fam tried to take a ski weekend, she gave her mom’s secretary the number where they will be and when then the secretary called, it caused Alice to leave and make Ned mad. So Liz has the gall to think that she is so INFLUENTIAL that she is the CAUSE of her parents breakup. So she mopes about it the whole time in a whoa is me fashion. She totally martyrs herself and cancels all her plans to TAKE CARE of her mother, because forgot the fact that Alice is an adult that can take care of herself. And then, her parents breakup makes her GIVE UP ON LOVE and if a couple so perfect and in love as her parents can’t survive, how can any relationship survive? So she breaks up with Todd for no reason and pulls the histrionics all day. I can see her walking around, and when anyone approached, heaving a HUGE sigh and waiting for someone to ask her what is wrong.
I am not sure who is worse, Elizabeth or Jessica. Jessica doesn’t care about anyone in her family, and sees the separation as a good thing. When Jessica gets in trouble with her mom, she runs to her dad to complain and has her Dad call her mom to debate the punishment. And then she uses her Dad’s guilt to get money from him to buy a new outfit. But should we expect less from Jessica?
Finally Jessica and Steven find out she gave Alice’s secretary the number to where they were vacationing, and Jessica and Steven get mad and oh my god! How dare Elizabeth be so important as to ruin an adult’s marriage! She needs to get away from them! She doesn’t have the balls to pull a Jessica and actually run away, so she goes to stay with Enid, who of course is foaming at the mouth over the opportunity to have Liz stay at her house and get all of her attention. Liz doesn’t want her parents to find her, so she takes Enid’s phone off the hook without telling Enid or her Mom for the whole weekend. Wtf? And Mrs. Rollins doesn’t get pissed at that? Enid on the other hand, doesn’t care, and sleeps clutching the sheets that Elizabeth slept on.
The secondary storyline only serves to enrage me even more. Jessica has been calling a teen party line. Remember party lines? How trashy. She’s met a guy through one of them, Charlie, who has a sexy voice and who she has hit it off with.Although he is hesitant to meet her in person, but finally agrees. They meet at the roller rink, but the guy who meets her there is cute but boring. It takes like three more meetings for Jessica to realize that this is not the same guy that she has been talking to on the phone. Turns out he thinks he’s not that great looking. Despite being totally into him when they talk on the phone, Jessica doesn’t even CONSIDER meeting him and instead comes up with this brilliant plan:
Suddenly, a wonderful idea came to her. Amy had called this morning and said the guy in her tennis class had turned her down. So she didn’t have a date eithetr. Why not get Amy and Charlie, the real Charlie, to go to the dance together as blind dates? Jessica could go with the other Charlie, the handsome one. What was his name anyway? And the four of them could double-date. That way Jessica wouldn’t be mortified by being caught out in public with someone who wasn’t good-looking. And at the same time she would be able to enjoy the benefits of being with bothy Charlies and having both of them be in love with her! It was the perfect plan!
Seriously, I still can’t figure out if the ghostwriters are aware that Jessica is a pain in the ass selfish brat, or hope that readers will find Jessica’s actions endearing. It’s keeping me up at night.
My first thought for a title was Sex and the Sleepover, but hey, we are dealing with fifth graders. My theory is that every time you have a fictitious group of women who are friends, they all have to fit into certain archetypes. The Madonna/Whore, of course, then the anal retentive one, the nerdy one, the smart one, etc. See The Fabulous Five, Golden Girls, etc. Can’t the smart one also be the whore? I’m just saying. In real life in groups of friends, each person may have a distinct thing about their personality, but hopefully it’s not the only thing about them. And reading this installment of Sleepover Friends, I’m realizing we have a little Sex and the City-ness going on.
Lauren = Carrie. Our fearless narrator. Someone who always relies on their friends to define them as a person. Has lots of boy drama (so does Pete Stone like Lauren or not?). Both have a gluttony for their favorite thing. Carrie: shoes; Lauren: Whatever type of food she can shove down her throat.
Kate = Miranda. The anal retentive, snarky one. Miranda, the high powered lawyer. Kate, the high-powered film expert.
Patti=Charlotte. Okay this one was a bit of a stretch. But, both are the reserved, conservatives of the bunch.
Stephanie= Samantha. Both are, er, shall we say, a bit boy-crazy and always up on latest trends and hot spots. Both also seem to flaunt their wealth. [Steph has her own fricking apt in her backyard, Samantha has a pricey loft in the meatpacking district).
I am glad I reread this one, Stephanie Strikes Back, because otherwise I though the events in the book were a weird acid trip I had as a kid. There's a new video club at school. [What a totally random idea for a club. These are kids, why not have an art club or something?] but the Mean Girl of the book, Wendy, a sixth grader, doesn’t want babyish sixth graders in the group. The task? Make a documentary? Mmm, kay. Wendy makes a video about her junior high jock boyfriend that sucks.
Meanwhile, the SFs get into zany adventures of their own. They bake a cake for Patti’s brother’s birthday, but Lauren fucks up the recipe and it bakes with a huge crack down the middle. So they make it a dinosaur landscape with volcanoes and shit. Steph bought these cool new products, Sliders, at the mall, which are zinc oxides in different colors. Why would this product even exist? For lifeguards in 90s movies? The gals paint their faces and act like clowns, and hence Sprakly and Barkly are born, who are Lauren and Patti telling corny jokes. They perform at children’s birthday parties. Gah! How BSC of them!
Stephanie orders a camera from QVC without telling her parents to film it, and of course she does not get in trouble because she’s a spoiled brat and her parents enable her. They show their video at the video club and everyone loves it. And then, the video club is never mentioned again.
Can we talk about Lauren’s pixelated Mickey Mouse sweatshirt?
Continuing on with our favorite crooked-bicuspid blonde.
BLACKMAILED BY TAFFY SINCLAIR
In this one, Jana gets blackmailed by Taffy. I know right? Totally unexpected. Jana finds Wiggins’ wallet in the girl’s room and Taffy sees her. She makes Jana do her homework for her and then even sit with her in the cafeteria and walk around with her. In a sick way to maybe make Jana her friend. Turns out Mona Vaughn stole the money to buy a new sweater so maybe Taffy would want to be her friend. Everybody wants something they can’t have! Jana is also angsty about Randy Kirwan who, if that’s him on this cover, I am really disappointed.
In other news, Jana’s deadbeat alcoholic father needs money and I don’t know why Jana’s mother feels obligated to give it to him? He also tells her that he may need to move in with him, and again, not sure why Jana’s mother allows it. At the last minute he finds a job and doesn’t come, and Jana is disappointed. Boo hoo. I just had a thought. Wouldn’t it be awesome if Jana’s deadbeat Dad was also Kristy Thomas’ deadbeat Dad and he had two families going? They both live in Connecticut. Hmmmm…
TAFFY SINCLAIR AND THE MELANIE MAKEOVER
Whoa. Ten times of awesomeness. Definitely on my top ten of all time. Firstly, the cover. I thought Melanie was sooooo gorgeous. Not sure if you can see it well. She has her hair in that style where you pull back the sides, then push it forward a bit, so it’s kind of puffy. I always had really thin hair, so I could never do it. Plus, her dress is the kind with the tight bodice and the layered, flared skirt. I HAD to get one like it for my sixth-grade graduation. Except mine had a bolero jacket to go with it. Hot. Taffy actually not looking all that.
Ok, so Melanie has lost some weight, and of course that means she can now be obsessed with boys and clothes. And she starts hanging with Taffy, because Taff knows those things, and there’s tension and of course Jana and crew are kind of jealous. But, newsflash! The local department store will be offering modeling classes for pre-teen girls. Wow! Way to raise self-esteem! Jana doesn’t think her mom can afford it, but her mom is all, you should do it, it will be great for you! Which, if it were my mom, I would be insulted. It is taught by Laura McLeod, world-famous model, and she teaches the girls how to frame themselves in the doorway, how to walk into a room, and how to do jumping jacks for exercise. Uh, I’d want my money back!
Melanie and Taffy strut their stuff in their fancy dresses in school and Jana is all jealous that Randy will find them more glamorous than her. Shut up, Jana. Taffy then claims she knows “model’s tricks” to get thin and proceeds to stuff her face during lunch in front of Jana while the gang eats carrot sticks and hard-boiled eggs. Jana catches them barfing the bathroom. Oh Taffy…just no. Finally she tells someone what Taffy and Melanie are doing, and Taffy gets in trouble. Melanie comes to her senses and dumps Taffy’s ass. Although that was shitty of Taffy, did she know better? And really, she just wanted to keep Melanie as a friend.
Meanwhile, the Fab Five decide to do a charity case on poor ugly Mona Vaughn, and do her hair for her. Randy sees what a caring person Jana is and admits to Jana that he was afraid she would become too glamorous after going to modeling school and not have time for him. Excuse me, but..BWAHAHAHAHA. And when he sees that Jana is reaching out to Mona, he sees what a caring person she is and Jana is “so happy I thought I’d die”. So Jana makes it all about her and not Mona. What a little brat.
At the last modeling class, Laura McLeod does a big speech about inner beauty. Too little too late, Laura. If it were about inner beauty, you’d be out of a job.
