Veronica is a show-off because she’s obviously insecure and she thinks that showing off will win her friends. I kind of feel bad for her because she’s clearly a smart, creative kid. She constantly tries to befriend the popular girl, the bitching blond laughing at her. The weird girl in school, Hilary, tries to befriend Veronica but Veronica’s not having that because Hilary is small, wears her hair in a bun, wears lacy ankle socks, and carries a floral shopping back as a book bag. Oh, the horror! She realizes that Hilary reads the same books as she does, and she has a pretty cool family, so she gives in and is friends with her.
She hangs out at the library a lot (see? she is awesome!) and a book she wants has been out for a while, so she tracks down who has it and sends her hate mail. So, Veronica’s a little quirky, she doesn’t know correct social skills. However, the girl finds her and they end up being friends too. The moral? Just be yourself! Awwwwww.
I remember more in the series, where Veronica removes the side of her apartment to put in a baby grand piano. And the another one where she goes to California to visit her father and new stepmother. I’m off to track them down…
Check out Part 1. I feel that these top five are pretty obvious.
5.Kurt from Sunset Island. Waaaahhhhhh, he’s working class, it’s sooo haaard being on this Island with all these rich tourists,when I had to work for a living, waaaaahhh, they don’t appreciate it, so I’m going to date one of the richest on the island and then throw it in her face all the time. And pressure her to get married. And seriously? The fights with Emma rival the Liz/Todd fights. Who would play him? Jason Priestly and his denim shirts:
4. Bruce Patman, Sweet Valley High. Well, his yuppy Republican charm sometimes gets through to me, but there’s no way we can forgive him for trying to take advantage of Liz while she was in her coma-induced slut phase. That, and the way he wears sweaters tied around his shoulders. Who would play him?
A young John Barrowman.
3.Mars from Pen Pals. Shanon’s pen pal was the goofy one. Firstly, he called himself mars, so there’s that, and he just tried way to hard to be goofy. He invented a pen holder, which was a handle to attach to a pen. I hate him. Who would play him?
Dustin Diamond.
2. Jed from the Caitlin series. Well, attempted sexual assualt is kind of an automatic guarantee to get on this list. But okay, we get it. You’re from Montana, You’re rugged and likem ranching. And you never really have anything interesting to say. Who would play him?
Anotnia Sabato, Jr. in underwear.
1. Todd “Wizzer” Wilkins from Sweet Valley High. Do I even have to justify it? The salty sweet kisses, the bad lovey dovey talk, the fighting, the cheating, the punching. And the fact he dates Liz. Who would play him?
C.Thomas Howell!
Donna sent me this pic of an album cover for the Australian band TISM.
Look familiar? Donna says”The tag line reads “Will Greg destroy Melissa and Jason’s happiness?” Unfortunately the lyrics do not parody SVH (the song is about speeding) but I really really wish I had a picture of the back of the cover of the single because I remember that it read like a blurb to any SVH book and concluded with “and does anyone really give a shit?” which pretty much sums up our feelings now towards SVH.”
I also love the name of the album. Kind of in the same way I love the band name “Hey that’s my bike!”.
To refresh your memory, the “best” YA boy toys are here and here. But of course, doing the worst ones are way more fun.
10. John Pfeiffer, Sweet Valley High: He went from being your friendly Oracle news reporter to a mad rapist. All because he was scorned by his ex-girlfriend. And we all know you don’t fuck with Lila Fowler. Who would play him?
Zabka, obviously.
9. Lenny from the Linda books, as in, My Heart Belongs to That Boy. Break up and made-up almost as much as Liz and Todd, However, his bad boy image didn’t make up for all his whining and neediness. Who would play him?
Jared Leto, the Jordan Catalano years.
8. Chad from Fall Into Darkness. Yea, so he kind of likes to murder girls that scorn him. Which, is like a lot of Christopher Pike male characters, but he was the one that was mostly all evil. Whop would play him?
Jonathan Brandis, duh.
7. Presley Travis from Sunset Island. We get, you’re Southern. And flirty. And named after Elvis, because you were born to rock. Also, he feeds Sam’s ego, which is annoying. And then he cheats on her with Emma. And he’s no Billy Sampson. I also will never forgive him for wearing bike shorts and a neon green tank top. Who would play him?
The Nelson twins would share the roll.*
6. Logan Bruno, The Baby-sitters Club. More Southern annoyingness! Maybe it’s how is accent is spelled phonetically, not that he is actually Southern. I could never really understand out what the big deal was about him. And then he tried to control Mary Anne’s life. And seriously, would a 13 year old boy really want to belong to a baby-sitting club? Who would play him”
Zefron! Don’t hate!**
Top 5 coming soon…..
*I have to share that in seventh grade I was BEYOND obsessed with the Nelson twins. It was almost clinical. I listened to the After the Rain cassette about a thousand times. I had a huge poster of them that I would stare at before I went to bed. [hides in shame]. Between them and Sebastian Bach and all the other hair metal guys in mnakeup, I was really into men that looked like women. Hmmm. Not sure what that means.
**This also made me think that Troy and Gabriella are kind of like Elizabeth and Todd. She’s the brainy studious one, he’s the tool on the basketball team. Quarrels and misunderstandings are almost central to their relationship. Does that make Sharpay Jessica? If you have no idea who these people are, you’re obviously a mature adult who doesn’t watch made for cable Disney Channel movies.
Whoever mentioned that a non-SVH book would be a good palate-cleanser between SVH books is totally right. I’ve been home sick for the past few days and yesterday I read 3 SVHs in a row, and it does have an affect on one’s psyche. So excuse me if I express more rage that snark on this one.
So much hate, so little time. I am not even sure where to start. Should it be on Liz’s all knowing meddling? Her bitchy attitude towards Heather Sanford? The way that everything wraps up so neatly? The COVER? Yea, ok, let’s start there.
Jeffrey looks pretty bangeable there, albeit looking about 32 and like a Ken doll. The other preppy douche is Aaron Dallas, someone we always hear about but don’t really know about. Well, now we get to get inside his head. Oh, and the best for last– Liz, Liz Liz. Nevermind the matching pink barrettes. We’ll leave those alone. But those elastic-waist chinos with the shirt tucked in. Well, that just writes itself. Her outfit is identical to the one I wore on the first day of second grade. That my mother bought me at Sears.
Aaron’s parents are getting divorced which makes him so MAD inside! He’s so MAD! Why is everyone making him so MAD! Meanwhile, he’s losing his temper and beating everyone up on the soccer field.
And now, the reasons that Liz is a fucking beast in this book.
1. She knows Aaron is Jeffrey’s bff, yet shit talks about him to Jeffrey and tries to tell Jeffrey that he needs to be mad at Aaron and doesn’t support him when he tries to defend Aaron. I think Jeffrey secretly hates Liz, because he gets annoyed with her but with silent annoyance. I love it.
2. Elizabeth acts all annoyed and holier-than-thou with Aaron’s new girlfriend Heather Sanford and gets all put out when Heather tries to befriend her. Because all Heather cares about “are silly things like clothes.” Uh, Liz, because you don’t know ANYONE like that. At a party, Elizabeth makes fun of Heather and does an impression of her speaking babytalk to Aaron. Oh like you NEVER said stupid shit to Todd. HATE.LIZ.SO.MUCH.
3. Liz is covering a soccer game for the Oracle (John Pfeiffer is too busy date raping to write it, I guess) and in the game Aaron hits another player, which will get him kicked off the team if anyone finds out. Because Liz HAS A DUTY AS A REPORTER, she reports it so the school finds out. Jeffrey gets pissed at her, she uses the whole “journalists have an obligation to be objective!” excuse. Jeffrey needs to dump her ass. And she makes Jeffrey defend her to Aaron! HATE HATE HATE!
So anyway, there’s this big intervention moment with Aaron, and they convince him to see the school guidance counselor. After a 10 minute session, all is solved and Aaron is skipping around the school apologizing to everyone he has ever wronged. Crisis solved! Liz and Jeffrey kiss! World peace happens!
So here’s the part that made it all fine for me. Liz and her boring friends are sitting in the stands at the game, and they all ask Liz to do her impression of Heather doing her babytalk. Liz feels a little bad, but the rest of the group does it, and Heather overhears and comes over and does her own impression of Liz. “What did E.W. say that made A.D. so mad?…And they say J.F. avenged his ladylove with stern words. A bout of ferocious fisticuffs followed.” Ok, it could have been more clever, but Heather was totally calling Liz out as a self-absorbed writer snob. So, Heather Sanford kicks ass. Also, she’s totally into clothes because she loves fashion design and sews all her won clothes, and gives Aaron tough love about dealing with his shit. And Liz realizes this too late, and instead of Heather telling her to fuck off, they become friends. Because no one can resist being friends with a Wakefield.
Meanwhile, Jessica tries to sell Tofu-Glo products, but they suck and she forgets to refrigerate them and she cries over her foiled business plan. Elizabeth voice overs, if Jessica did try to sell health and beauty products, she had to be successful because she was so healthy and beautiful, a walking advertisement. VOMIT! And because no Wakefield can ever fail, Ned finds out through his lawyer networking that the company lost a lawsuit, so Jessica would get all her money back. A little failing couldn’t hurt these twins.
[Enid, watching the soccer game with Liz:] “Jeffrey really looks great, Liz. I don’t know how you always manage to get the cutest guy around, but you do.” “Oh you poor thing,” Elizabeth said, teasing her. Remember, you had your chance.” GAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!
[Jessica has a party to sell the Tofu-Glo to her friends]. Lois Waller, a shy, overweight girl, raised her hand timidly. “Is the dietary supplement part of a diet plan?” Oh, of course the chubby girl is afraid of a diet plan, because it would get in the way of stuffing candy bars in her mouth all day. Fuck you, ghost writers.
[Liz, making Aaron and Jeffrey's problems all about her, goes to Mr. Collins for advice.] He chuckled. “Liz, why are we having this conversation?” his eyes twinkled again, and Elizabeth grinned. “Maybe I need a little positive reinforcement from an authority figure. “Oh please! Never call me that!” Mr. Collins, I’m gonna go ahead and stop you there, and say that you probably should call youself that more often than you do.
I may as well continue by Liz-fueld rage with today’s poll.
You ask, you shall receive. Recent polls indicate you all would like some non-SVH stuff, and would really like the BSC. I also just spent some time locating some Sunfire romances, so stay tuned for those. One day. I will admit, I didn’t reread this one, but it was very memorable.
Dawn looks gorg, as usual and I totally wanted to look like her. MA looks beyond horrendous. She looks about 45, and has the highest waisted jeans I’ve ever seen, and don’t even get me started about women over the age of 12 who wear their hair in pigtails. Or even women in their twenties, who think it makes them look adorable. And if you reading this do that, even at the gym, I am so judging you. Live with it.
Speaking of judging, the one thing I remember from this book is that MA is getting ready to go to a dance with Logan, and Dawn is at home but not going, and MA pulls some shit like “Dawn, when you get a boyfriend, you’ll understand about making yourself more attractive.” ZING! Seriously, the BSC are constantly looking for ways to insult each other and put down their friends.
But let me back up. This one takes place right after meth-addicted Sharon and anal retentive Richard get hitched, and MA and Mr. Spier move into the farm house. Instead of taking the spare room, Dawn and MA decide to share a room. For real? What 13 year old girl wouldn’t want her own room? And then, I believe, they push the beds together. Wtf? Isn’t that a little much? Are they going to spoon or something?
Eventually they make up and I think they realize that they should have separate rooms. And then fast forward a little and the farm house burns down. ZING!
And you know I love this new poll feature, so here’s one that gets to the heart of MA’s core.
Thank you wordpress, for adding an easy poll feature! I’m testing it out to see what you all want out of this site. I’ve contemplated just sticking to the Sweet Valley World, to going even bigger. But obviously, this wouldn’t be happening if you all didn’t read, so I guess I should get your opinion first.
Yup, I went there. Because this was SVH horribleness at its…best. So, it seems that the Pascal empire probably brought in some consultants because their series was getting dated and the kids wanted something more! They needed more scandal, more serial killers, more cheating! So then they stopped everything, whipped out the super special “A Night to Remember” with the Jungle Prom. And then the covers got more modern and the birth of the minseries happened. Apparently Liz and Jess were vying to be the Queen on the Jungle Prom, and Jessica wanted to humiliate Elizabeth, so she spikes her punch. However, Liz runs off with Sam and kills him. You know, the usual teen fare.
Well, barely anything happens plot-wise, because they gotta stretch it out over six books. We meet Margo, who begins to run from her foster home on Long Island (repreSENT!) and the raspy voice in her head tells her to head to Southern California. Meanwhile, she leaves her foster sister in a kerosene-soaked kitchen and tells her to stick a knife in the toaster. Wow, that’s great. Didn’t the ghosties worry that someone would imitate it? Like when Marylin Manson told kids to bring guns to school?
And obvs the brunette is Lila, we know this because of the preppy scarf over the sweater look. She is running from Nathan Pritchard, the school counselor who tried to take advantage of her at the dance. Only he didn’t really, she just thought that up. Stupid Lila! Doesn’t she know rape is usually something women cry when they are confused? Lila goes totally emo and George doesn’t know what to do so he calls Lila’s heathen mother, who ran off to Paris with her boyf a while back.
And then we have an Olivia storyline, which is even painful to have to go over again. She is taking art classes at a special arts and farts and craft school, and some guy wants to buy her painting for a thousand bucks. He tricks her into thinking she will be making a speech at an arts foundation, but really its his house and he tells her to trick her there to be alone with her. Instead of not trusting him, she falls in lurve because he’s rich. In Sweet Valley world, stalking is a huge turn-on, bonus points if its a rich guy (ain’t that right, Nicholas?)
And then there is the sob story with the twins. Yikes. Can’t even bring myself to summarize. Better to relive some of the craptastic quotes.
[Bruce on the rivalry with Big Mesa] For several weeks tension had been building between the two schools. A few weiners like Todd Wilkins had tried to diffuse the situation. Yup, he called Todd a weiner. Good insult, Bruce.
[Alice talking about her latest interior degin job] “You’ll love the plans for the new wing of the city building,” Alice Wakefield was saying as she drove toward the school. “We’re going with a Spanish-style look, with lots of sunlight.” Why wouldn’t she go with Spanish-style? It’s the only style she knows.
Amy was used to talking with people about their problems. She was a volunteer on the Project Youth Hotline after school. But it was different when the people in trouble were your own best friends, Amy had discovered. I bring this up because I can’t fucking stand how after like two hours of hotline work, Amy has become a saint. And seriously, are there that many people calling the hotline? And once people realize they are talking to Amy, wouldn’t they hang the fuck up?
[Bruce again, on the prowl for Pamela] He stepped out of the Porsche, patted the hood protectively, and walked up to two girls who wee passing by. Normally he wouldn’t bother with girls as plain as these two- the heavyset one had thick glasses, and her friend was mousy looking. Good lord, she has glasses! How do they even let her out of the house? Also, note they go to Big Mesa, because SVH would never let these girls roam their halls.
“I was flipping the channels on the TV late last night and I saw the strangest program” Mr. Wakefield began…”It’s a brand new show. Has anyone heard of Hunks?” Wow, totally early 90s reference, probably written because of the popularity of Studs. Wait a minute, why the fuck was Ned watching this? This leads into a future plot where everyone feels bad for Nicholas Morrow and gets him on the show. I can’t wait to read that plotline. Except that I can.
[Margo at a job interview] She smiled broadly. “You know how active teenage boys are!” What I know about teenage boys could curl your hair, lady, Margo bragged silently. Wait, hold up! Now Margo is a slutty McSlutterson? That was never mentioned again. Of course, Margo the serial killer is a non-virgin, because girls who have sex are evil. And if you have sex before the age of 18 in Sweet Valley, your fate is apparently to be pushed out of a window and murdered.
[Winston talking to Bruce] “I heard you were chasing after some new woman- did you finally catch her? That would explain all the extreme happiness”. “Either that or the Dow Jones is up,” Maria said dryly. Sorry, I just had to include this one because it is a rare occasion that one of these alleged teens says something remotely witty.
[When the police finally show up to question Elizabeth about the accident]. “Elizabeth, we’re trying to be patient with you, but you’ve already been given a lot more breaks than you know about. Normally, in a case like this, we would have pulled you in weeks ago.”"Frankly, I’ve been wondering why you didn’t,” Ned Wakefield admitted. AAARRRRGGHHHHH! The twins are so fucking perfect that even the police give them special treatment? Questioning my ass, Elizabeth would have been HANDCUFFED AND DRAGGED AWAY at the scene of the crime. AND Jessica hides the fact that she spiked the drink, and lets Elizabeth go through the whole trial? And Jessica isn’t arrested for withholding that? Ugh. Why am I even surprised?
I love when you all give me ideas for posts! There was some spec that there is an actress/model out there that may have been the model for the early, wispy-banged twins. Who are out front runners?
The popular gal from Teen Wolf, which is my pick. Maybe because she has the hair and the Donald Trump bangs, but she also has the rounded face and a dimple.
Next up, Haviland Morris of Sixteen Candles fame. Also has the hair, and the Jessica attitude.
And this may be a stretch, but Betty Childs from Revenge of the Nerds (um, how good is that movie?) but because she plays a stuck-up blond cheerleader.
I think it’s univerally agreed upon that the Daniel twins are quite annoying and don’t really fit the image, but my vote if they are still running it now are the contact lens commercial twins, otherwise known as the emotional twins on the model reality show 8th and Ocean. Did anyone ever watch that but me?
Next up on my random list: Tiny pants, on her blog, reminded me of a movie that I thought only existed in my subconcious- Private School. You all know my obsession with private schools, so I of course loved it when I saw it late night when I was a child. Of course, watching it now, I was embarassed for everyone involved. Excet for the dreamy Matthew Modine (Vision Quest, anyone?) Also, lots of boobs and horribly timed rape jokes. Jordan, the character I worshipped, was obsessed with guys taking pictures of her naked and showing her breasts to anyone with eyes. After that, everytime I played Barbies, I named my character Jordan in homage to the character. Ah, role models.
Finally, after an ebay search for a specific book, I found this! There were actual dolls! Was someone ever going to tell me?
Now, call me crazy, but aren’t those outfits the ones they wear to the jungle prom (where Sam gets killed) or Lila’s Christmas party (where Margo tries to murder them). So why not make it into a fashion doll?
It was painful. Mostly because I wasn’t sure if Lisi was being satirical or or actually realistic. The clique girls, mainly Massie, were such little witches I wanted to slap them all. And where are the parents and don’t they know that Massie is a little wench? The gals are also wearing Missoni and Jimmy Choo sandals and they don’t even have boobs yet.
Claire is the middle-class girl that is staying in Massie’s guest house and the meaner the girls are to her, the more Claire wanted to be accepted by them. And when I am saying mean, I’m talking pouring food on her and ignoring her when she is in the room mean. Which, is kind of true to life, but Claire totally forsakes her indivudalistic spunky new friend anytime she thinks there is a chance she can gain Massie’s approval. Ugh.
I also feel like we are in a throwback to the 80s with a resurgence of obsession with the rich and consumerism. [We've talked about this before.] I mean, it’s always been there, but I think back to the yuppie period. (For social commentary, read American Psycho).
Good lord, there’s like 10 more books of these. Pass.
Elizabeth: Oh Patty[pat, pat] I’m so sorry that you are black.
Patty: That’s ok- wait, WHAT? That’s not why I’m upset. Why would you say that?
Elizabeth: well, you know…uh…. I mean, you’re not blue eyed and blond-haired. Isn’t that what your trouble is all about?
Patty: [SIGH] GEESH! Don’t you know this useless and uneventful book was created for the sole purpose of the creators to say that they did have positive black characters? And to say that they even HAVE black characters? So after this book they can go back to you crazy bitches going to dances and being chased by serial killers and feel okay about themselves.
Elizabeth: Oh, yea! That makes sense. So that’s why I am conveniently doing student profiles for The Oracle and I picked you to write it on, so I can conveniently be part of the plot even though this book is really about you.
Patty: Yea, so anyway, do you want to hear about my boy trouble?
E: Yes, wait. Let me get into position. My hand should go riiiiigghhhht here. Ok.
P: So, my boyfriend is supposed to come home last weekend, but my sister came home and announced she is getting married. So I called my boyfriend Jim to see if he could come home another weekend and he got mad and we had a big fight. So then I was at the movies the next night and saw him with some girl and then I got mad. And then my sister got all bridezilla on me and I yelled at her and then she was mad at me. It was all a big mess but it all worked out in the end.
E: Really? No dance was involved? No serial killers? No cults, vampires, or cheerleading competitions?
P: Um, no.
E: Wow, I can’t believe that was it! And you got a whole book out of it? Soooo, what does this have to do with you being black?
P: Dammit Liz! Nothing! The authors wanted to show that black people are just like white people and have the same petty issues! In fact, we ourselves don’t even seem to realize we are black!
E: Yea, but it did mention your “pretty dark eyes” and “dark hair” and called you a “pretty black girl” every other paragraph.
P: I know, but I don’t write the thing.
E: True…uh, I guess I gotta go, Mr. Collins called me and asked me to wash his car for him, and he asked me to wear a white t-shirt, and I gotta swing by home to get it. This was a great interview! I’m so glad we will finally have a picture of a black person in The Oracle! Btw, I love your pearls. Very country club.
P: Yea, love your barrettes, I guess. I am really unsure why our breasts have disappeared.
Elizabeth: Kay, bye! Here’s my card, call me if you need to talk.
Patty: Good riddance. I REALLY need to ask my parents if we can move.
I don’t have this one in front of me right now, but I know I read the shit out of it. Stoneybrook is jumping on the JonBenet Ramsey trend and having a Little Miss Stoneybrook pageant. And the kids get the fever! The girls anyway. Instead of spending their free time getting felt up at the mall and doing meth behind the TGIFriday’s like all the normal thirteen year olds, they decide to coach the kids for the pageant.
This also gives the all opportunities to compete with each other and make themselves feel bad about each other and living out some sort of sick fantasy vicariously through these kids. Dawn the big feminist caves in her principles. I am not sure who coaches who, but I know that Charlotte Johannson is totally scared but Stacey forces her to do it and she recites some story while wearing a shitty costume, right? What the point of forcing her to do it? And Claire or Margo or one of those younger Pike brats peels a banana with her feet while reciting a poem. I’m sure Karen was in it and acted super bratty but everyone thought it was adorable.
One of the kids is good, and there’s some wunderkind named Sabrina that takes it home. And the gals make up at the end and claim they are glad it’s over. Yea, like the kids’ parents forced the BSC to coach their kids in the pageant.
Speaking of the BSC, I was sick the other day so I layed around and watched Mary Poppins, which is a fantastic thing to do when you are sick. But of course as soon as I started watching it what came to mind was “this is Stacey’s favorite movie.” Sometimes I hate myself.
This post was really a ruse to talk about my third favorite cultural phenomena, child beauty pageants. Yea, we all know they are creepy, but if you want to see one of the most bizarre and depressing things ever (and who wouldn’t?) you must check out the documentary Living Dolls: The Making of a Child Beauty Queen. I don’t think you can get it on DVD, but it is in parts on youtube. Watching Swan Bruner force that creepy pageant smile to please her mother is the saddest sight I’ve ever seen. Even creepier is this “pro-am” thing that the kids do when they are modeling their sportswear. Kind of a spastic dance-walk thing. I hear Leslie Butler, another contestant, is doing porn. Raise your hand if you are surprised.
Also, VH1 did a special called Little Beauties, and it is just as fantastic. Note Kynndey, who has the face and body of a 22 year old. Scary.
