Someone had mentioned previously that it was going to be republished, but as I was in the teen section of Barnes and Noble (I always shamefully head there first) I saw it. Yipee! I don’t remember much, but I remember it was awesome and I wanted to be in the Secret Circle. It’s like if Charmed was a good show or if The Craft was a good movie.
In other news, The Hills has become a parody of itself.
Unnecessary sequels
Unexplained time travel
Multiplicity
Twin invasion
Manipulative plot twists
Sociopath mentality
Omg you guys. Don’t you hate it when you find out you have a long lost twin and when you go to find her, she’s hatching an insane murderous plot and then she lets you in on it but then she like becomes total control freak about it? Man, that is on my list of top five pet peeves.
Oy gevault. What is there to say about this plot? On the one hand, it is so ridiculous and rehashed. On the other hand, kind of awesome.
Oooh, the broken glass angel. Sooooo much symbolism! Or some Visual Communication major’s final project!
And seriously, the ghost writers REALLY need to read each other’s books, because then they wouldn’t use the same shit all over again.
We begin with boring old Enid having a caroling party at Secca Lake. Leave it to Enid to have such a dorky party. It’s kind of foggy or something and Todd gets into an accident on the way up and gis car flips over and is hanging on the edge of a cliff. Jessica comes by and drags him out of the burning wreckage and she’s a hero. I know this is like the 10th burning car wreckage I’ve read about.
Elizabeth, instead of being grateful that her sister saved the only guy that would ever put up with her shit, turns into a NEEDY, BRATTY, jealous person, jealous that Jessica and Todd have a special bond, jealous that Jessica is getting all this attention to being a hero. Are we surprised, really? And, may I add that this is totally ridiculous for her to suspect they are having an affair, after they actually did after she was arrested for the jungle prom punch incident? And, may I add, in some secret diary where Jessica and Todd suck face? Why do I even try to find the logic? At one point Todd tells her, “Liz, it’s not like you to be jealous!” Chyah.
Anyway, Nora is a poor tragic girl from the south whose father died and whose stepmother kicked her out. She finds out about Margo and goes on a quest to find her, only to find out she is alive. Even Nora is a bit creeped out by Margo. Margo shares her plan to take over the Wakefield twins and figures, hey, there are two of us, let’s just kill them both. Only problem? They are fighting over who gets to be who! They both want to be Jessica because they think Liz is boring. Ha! I also kind of love the idea that they hate the Wakefield family because they are so sickeningly perfect. It’s like this book was the way for a ghostwriter to hate on the twins. Kind of a passive-aggressive protest.
Can I add that how awesome would it be to have had a spin-off series about Nora and Margo and extend their obsessive hatred of the Wakefield twins? Their snarky observations and they shenanigans about impersonating them? I would so read it. Fanfic anyone? If I had time I would so create a blog from their perspective chronically their hatred. Or, if anyone has mad photoshop skills, it would be awesome if someone can make a cover for the series.
So the Wakefields continue to be their fucking selves and plan a Christmas carnival to raise money but are fighting and not talking because Margo made sure that Elizabeth saw Todd with her, thinking it was Jessica. Margo goes ahead and plans kidnaps Jess to beat Nora to the punch but then Nora has the same idea and goes to the Wakefields house and stabs Jessica in her sleep, but the Wakefields get home and ruin her plans to hide the body and take over her life, so she flees and Liz sees her and claims that its Margo, but the po-po thinks she is crazy, because Margo died. My computer indicated to me that that was a run on sentence, and seriously, it’s a run-on plot.
One other thing about Sweet Valley that we should add to this list: apparently coroners and medical examiners do not have time to check DNA, fingerprints, or positively id their dead bodies.
So this gives us a whole chunk of time where there is a big memorial services for Jessica and the whole town is distraught and they make all these huge speeches about how wonderful she is and blah blah.
Liz has twin intuition and knows Jessica is still alive and MUST be at the school since that’s the place Jessica loved the most. (Huh? Really?) The police won’t believe her so LIZ FUCKING STEALS A POLICE OFFICER’S GUN and heads over there. Nora also thinks Margo is hiding out at the school so heads over there to murder her before Margo decides to murder her. People, this is a book for teens, mind you.
There’s a big show down and Liz goes to find Jessica, but is not sure it is her, but then Nora shows up too and Liz can’t tell who is Jess and who is Margo because they don’t even know that Nora exists and its this whole wacky showdown and finally Liz saves the real Jess and the authorities apprehend Nora, because as it turns out it was really Margo in Jessica’s bed that night and she killed her own sister.
This is the best part: the police FORGIVE Liz for stealing a gun from them because she’s such a hero! And Jess is all jokes and smiles as she emerges from being left for dead for three days! I am surprised the Wakefields didn’t celebrate with a pancake breakfast. Wouldn’t Jessica have soiled herself for being tied up for three days? Oh yea, the Wakefields don’t have BMs.
Oh wait, they do have a party in Jessica’s honor. Everyone is ok, no therapy needed! And this gives everyone else another chance to kiss Jessica’s ass and tell her how great she is!
Goddammit. How many Xmases have the Wakefields seen?
Aaaaaaand…the return of Todd says something homoerotic:
“I definitely see hot dogs in your future, Matthews” he repeated.”Very big hot dogs”.
Elizabeth groaned. “How can you two be eating again, after all the junk we’ve been stuffing ourselves with?”
Ken shrugged. “It’s lunchtime”, he said if that explained it.
“You girls stay here and have your fotunes told,” Todd suggested.”Then meet us over there at that concession stand.” He pointed. “In the meantime Ken and I will do some research on those foot-long hot dogs.” He and Ken hurried toward the hot dog stand.[I’ll bet they did!]
No internet in my new place = lack of updates. Later this week I should be all set. To make it up to you, I am currently reading Return of the Evil Twin. Oh, that Margo.
I also have the ultimate lost & found.
Does anyone remember some sort of mail order “Especially for Girls” book club? Maybe they advertised on tv, I am not sure. The books came imprinted with the logo, and #20 Crash Landing was one of the books in the set, and it came in hardcover. Anyone with me here? There was also a book called “Dreamboy” or something about a girl who starts going out with a guy who is mysterious and then ends up breaking up with him at the end…for no apparent reason. The cover was a photo of the guy and the girl as if they were posing for the picture. Anyone? Anyone?
Remember how lots of the teen horror books had parts of the covers that were raised off the front, to create a 3-d-ish affect? This one totally reminded me of that. Well, this is fitting, since everyone is all ga-ga about the Twilight* movie business.
Caroline B. Cooney, if she even exists as one person, wrote mediocre stuff, if you ask me. And you are asking me, because you are reading this. I think she did the Fog, Fire, Flood series which I barely remember. However, The Cheeleader is by one one of the best written thrillers I can remember reading. Perhaps it is even in Christopher Pike league? Dare I say.
Basic plot: shy, drippy Althea discovers a vampire in her house who strikes a bargain- he will take the “lives” of people in return for making her a popular cheerleader. He doesn’t kill them, but takes their energy, their livlihood, and basically their personalities until the person is a hollow shell. Althea, the character, struggles with the dilmena about ruining people’s lives versus making hers better. You are probably thinking this sounds like a shitty straight-to-video horrow movie starring Brittany Snow or something. But there are several reasons why it kicks ass and is not like all the other teen stuff at the time:
I’d actually like to see this one as a movie, I think it could work, if it was done in a sublime way, not a teeny-bopper way.
Anyone else read this? Thoughts, opinions?
*Regarding Twilight: from all the hype and what I have heard about it, I hate it already. However, I am considering reading it and posting my thoughts here. Eventually. I don’t know. Like I said, it is already overhyped for me. Maybe it’s too built up.
5. Almanzo Wilder: yea yea, calling Little House books YA may be a stretch, but I had to put in my Manly love.
Who would play him:
Dean Butler, duh!
4. Dead Peter from Christopher Pike’s Remember Me. He totally can ghost-spy on me in the shower any day. Shari wouldn’t have made in the afterlife without his help. Although he did dork out on her sometimes. And it’s good she got the support, after her boyfriend Dan did it with Big Beth in the jacuzzi at her birthday party.
Celeb who would play him:
Josh Radnor: I don’t like HIMYM, but I want to make out with him.
3. Adam from The Secret Circle Series. Two of the qualities in a guy that for me is an automatic drop of the panties: aloof and has supernatural powers. Same reason I totally want to have a brothel that includes Max and Michael from Roswell and some of the X-Men. That’s a fanfic for another time. I don’t remember too much about this series, haven’t read it in a while, but there was lots of drahma. He was attached the sassy long-haired coven leader, but new girl in town Cassie totally nabbed him.
Celeb who would play him:
Garret Hedlund. Don’t know why, I just think this guy is hawt.
2. Joe from The Jellyfish Season: sure, he dated a fourteen year old when he was twenty, but he didn’t know! He treated her well and even gave self-esteem to Kathleen and treated her cousins nicely. Plus, there was mention of his hairy legs more than once. That sold me!
Who would play him:
Z-Quint, father of my children
1. Billy Sampson; Sunset Island. Swoonsville! He’s the lead singer of a band, check! He goes for the “curvy”, brainy brunette, check! He’s actually smart and into photography, check! He has his own house on the beach, check! He’s super smokin’, check! It was half cheeseball, half kind of sweet when he pops Carrie’s cherry later in the series. And when Carrie would get all hysterical and self-doubting he’d be all, pull your shit together. I’m going to ignore the fact that half his lyrics seem to be written by Michael Bolton.
Who would play him:
Sebastian Bach, circa 1990.
Coming soon: the most ANNOYING YA boys. You know I saved that second because I will enjoy it more.
Little House blog is up and running. Thanks to our awesome contributors, there’s some great stuff already. And we have about a hundred thousand more episodes to recap.
http://olsensmercantile.wordpress.com/
If anyone ever wants to contribute, please shoot me an email! The more the merrier.
I’m getting ready to move, and my book collection is all packed, so I can’t read anything this week. So, I’ll combine my two favorite things: countdown lists and horndogging on male celebs.
Best YA Boy Toys, Part one:
10. Jeffrey French, Sweet Valley High; okay, so he makes it on this list from sheer comparison. He’s not as annoying as Todd, he and Liz fight about 2% less, and he actually has some valid interests (photography) and can be rational when Liz gets mad at him. I’m kind of ignoring the whole situation when he reinvented himself as DJ Jazzy Jeff.
Celeb who would play him:
MPG!
9. Pete Stone, Sleepover Friends; feeling kind of weird having a fifth grader on here, but it’s not like I said “hottest boys” or something like that. Pete was man enough to talk to girls like real people and be cool with talking to them. He did have a fling with Jenny Carlin, but then went back to liking Lauren again. No idea why, she’s got zero personality.
Celeb who would play him:
Cody Linley! Holy shit why do I know who this person is!
8. Trevor Sandbourne, Baby-Sitters Club. We don’t really know much about him, but with a name like that, how can you go wrong? He took Claudia to a couple of dances, but I think early on he prank-called her. Oh well.
Celeb who would play him:
One of the Jonas Brothers. I think he’s the oldest.
7. Ernie from Breaking Up With Ernie. This book is kind of obscure, but it’s about this girl who finds her boyfriend Ernie so annoying, she tries everything to break up with him, only to find when he breaks up with her, she wants him back. Supposed to be slapstick, came off more as the gal’s a beyotch and Ernie is just lovable.
Who would play him:
Seth Rogan (xoxoxoxo)
6. Damien from The Vampire Diaries, because he’s the bad guy and way more exciting than that boring Eurotrash Stefan. At least he did something about the gal he wanted, instead of mopey Stefan.
Who would play him:
Louis Garrel: ooh la la!
Stay tuned for the top 5!
I’ve recapped The Hills for two days in a row, and I fear it’s sucking the life out of my soul. Check out the gang in Vegas and then Lauren’s big Emmy-baiting moment.
Dana: Ugh! Everyone is fawning all over the Prince of Santa Dora that has come to Sweet Valley. I’m so disgusted. Because I’m an individual.
Prince Arthur: My oh my! Dana is such a spunky American woman! She’s getting my royal britches in a bunch.
Dana: I am a spunky individual! Therefore, I need to totally hate on aristocracy!
Mr. Collins: Great! I was too busy fondling a lock of Elizabeth’s hair last night to do lesson plans, so let’s host a debate! Prince Arthur, I’m not sure why you are even in class, since you are just visiting. But I guess I’ll go with it to advance the plot.
—
Dana: Oh, the Prince totally pwned me in the debate. But what is this I’m feeling?
Prince Arthur: Oh Dana, I am so glad that you now like me. And how flattering that you are wearing the flag of my home country as an outfit.
Dana: Oh this dress? I got it on sale at Dress Barn.
Prince Arthur: Oh never mind. Will you marry me?
Dana: Oh yes, of course! And everyone totally supports it! Nevermind that I’m sixteen, since you are rich it’s all good!
—
Lila: Since I was just almost raped in the last book, I have to act as a desperate, torn woman and creepily stalk Prince Arthur and force him to pay atrention to me. To get back at Dana, I will reveal the Prince’s secret: that he must announce his engagement before he turns seventeen! He was just settling on Dana!
Dana: No! I’ll never love again! I hate Prince Arthur!
—
Dana: Prince! I had to see you before you left! And because this book’s plot really had no focus, so we have to wrap things up in the last few pages!
Prince Arthur: Oh, Dana, your American spunkiness has taught me so much. I will stand up to my whole country and abolish this archaic tradition. Thank god for the people of Sweet Valley to tell me how to run my country!
Dana: Ok, one second I was ready to marry you, now I’m fine with you leaving! I guess I’ll have to count on getting a part in a Super Edition to see you again.
————
Seriously, I have to give them credit: Dana and Prince Arthur are one of the only couples in SVH that actually have interesting things to talk about- they actually talk about politics and even a bit about each other. Although, Prince Arthur talks like a 60-year-old butler. Of course, Todd gets all jealous because he’s Liz’ pen pal (seriously, they actually referenced something that happened in a Twins book. And there was a even a mention of the Unicorns!). Jessica is vile, and so convinced that the Prince will fall instantly in love with her and doesn’t give a fuck about hitting on the Prince right in front of Sam. Lila’s a mess, because she can no longer have a functional relationship because she was dumb enought to almost get herself raped. Sigh.
Lynne Henry makes an appearance! I thought she disappeared. She hangs out with The Droids and writes songs. She wrote one for the Prince called “Rule my World”. And Dana sings it to the Prince. Do they actually charge for gigs? Or do they just drop everything when Lila has a party?
Dana = still really boring. For a singer of a band, I couldn’t give less of a shit about her.
The scariest thing about this: it was released when I was a senior in college. Ann, can we please advance these students past the eighth grade? This is the series that was birthed after the end of the original series, after Dawn moved back to Calfornia and got angsty, and Mal and Jessie got lost in the secret passage, Abby peaced out, and then…the barn house burned down!
Maryanne is becoming all feminist and shit, and wants to think for herself. Logan always makes the decisions for her. Well, MA, when you run home crying because your shoe flies off at a dance, someone might take you for a pushover.
MA talks about her relationship with Logan like she’s 38. Finally it takes the magical teachings of the contractor fixing up the barn to tell MA that she’s her own person.
For a bit, MA thinks Logan is hitting on Kristy. Shyah right.
Why in the hell can’t they advance a year? Are we supposed to believe that Stacy moved back and forth from NY to CT about eight times, Dawn and MA’s parents fell in love and got married, Ms. Brewer adopted a foreign baby, and the club took like 10 vacations all in a year. What’s more is that MA actually mentions that it’s currently October. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?
At least there was less baby-sitting in this one. You know what? I actually missed it. With the dumb handwritten entries. At least I am a purist.
I am so stoked to see there are other Little House fans out there, and I have been loving the comments. You all make my day just a little bit better. However, I don’t want to sway too far from my original concept, which was SVH and other YA series. And, since so many others have watched the show as much as I have…would anyone else…consider contributing to a new blog just to snark on LHOTP episodes? I first thought about making it another blog by myself, but trying to be realistic because I already write like eight blogs (okay, two) and am thinking of starting yet another about living in the East Bay. If you are interested, and would seriously consider contributing, shoot me an email (thedairiburger[at]gmail.com and we can chat.
Come on, Manly will take you to the barn dance if you do!
