Monthly Archives: August 2008

Keep it in your pants, Laura

Posted on by
16

Jeez, I didn’t realize how many boys Laura likes in the early episodes. Pa needs to keep that horniness under control. Everyone in town is all abuzz about the Spring Dance. How SVH of them. Laura has her eye on Henry Henderson. WHAT is with the names? Johnny Johnson? Henry Henderson? Almanzo Almanzostein? Henry has a blond bowl cut and a I-smell-shit pout all the time. Laura wants him to ask her to the dance.

Meanwhile, the widow Grace Snyder (yes, people actually call her that- like’s it’s an official title to remind everyone that she’s a soiled woman) has a thing for Mr. Edwards, who is too busy with his meth lab hidden in the mill. Ma is all, guuuurrrrl, you deserve better, make him jealous! Grace pretends to be all up on Doc Baker, who is clueless about what she is doing because we all know he is asexual except when it comes to the Olsen’s underage relatives.

Laura overhears Ma tells the widow Grace this, and hatched\s a plan. She makes Willie Olsen her gigolo which makes Henry mad and quite frankly grossed out because Willie’s all of maybe seven years old in these eps?

Finally, after all hilarity ensues, everyone gets to go to the dance with who they want and it turns out it’s some guy playing a fiddle in the schoolhouse/church so what was the big deal anyway?

#129 Cover Girls

Posted on by
21

Cover Girl? What?

Oh, Cover Girls. Damn.

There’s a two-week minibreak at SVH so the students can take two-week internships. Actually, not a bad idea, Chrome Dome, it’s good to give these kids a slice of the real world. Except it would make for a boring series if the twins were REAL interns- making photocopies and staring at a computer. I’ll give you my opinion about interns- if they don’t have a specific role or position, they are really a pain in the ass. I was at a previous job when I supervised several interns and it was actually way more work for me to give them things to do, and when I did, they complained it wasn’t enough substance. What did they expect, they weren’t getting paid! Ugh. Anyway, I’ve uncovered the ads that the twins answered when looking for their internships.

EDITORIAL INTERN

Looking for an aspiring writer, who despite turning up their nose at fashion mags, suddenly will attach their lips to the ass of anyone that works in the editorial department. Preferred qualifications: someone who is so full of themselves that when they pitch an idea, and it is not immediately the cover story for the magazine, will pitch a fit and feel like they are not being appreciated. Will neglect friends and boyfriends because she actually believes she will get a job at Flair if she works hard enough. Will ignore needs of friends because she thinks her internship is superior. Will automatically be given the job if she can manage to finagle her boyfriend to visiting her at work and he magically is offered a job as a model and then throws jealous fits when he talks to supermodels. Send resume and cover letter. No calls please.

And Jessica’s , um…”Internship”

PHOTOGRAPHER’S ASSISTANT

World-famous fashion photgrapher Quenton Berg looking for an underage girl to be his personal slave. Must be willing to hatch a plan to seduce him in order for him to make her a model. Must endure humiliating tasks and put up with a supermodel’s bitchy antics. Preferred qualifications: must flaunt their goods with a poor lowly mailroom clerk in order to create love triangle. Will stop at nothing to be noticed as a supermodel.

I wasn’t too thrilled about this one at first because quite frankly the cover makes me want to punch someone in the face. The Daniel twins always looked like 35 year old porn stars to me. Also, what does it have to do with anything? Liz is also wearing a three-year old’s bathing suit. Although it does remind me of when sunflower patterns were all the rage. I maaaayyyy have had a sunflower babydoll dress that I maaaayyy have worn with bike pants and Doc Martens.

But seriously! How do they come up with this stuff! Of course, even at Flair magazine, everyone clamors over the twins despite being two-week only high school interns. It’s like the Hills, where they are magically handed glamorous jobs and talk about absolutely nothing but themselves. And what happened to Ingenue magazine? At least Flair mag is actually in LA.

And isn’t it just like SV for someone to be discovered as a model in two seconds flat? And Todd totally gets to march around in a skimpy Speedo, and Liz is kind of disgusted. And apparently sexual harassment is on the menu at Flair. While Jessica is napping, the mail room guy makes out with her. And Jessica shuts herself in the darkroom with Quentin and makes out with him so he won’t know who it is.

However innocuous, this quote really cracked me up. “As they walked to Todd’s car he chatted excitedly about the possibility of modeling for Quentin- studiously avoiding any mention of Simone, Elizabeth noticed. She had never seen Todd look so happy and alive. And she never felt so rotten.” O rly Liz? Being jealous of Todd working with a supermodel makes you feel the most rotten ever? Even more than when you were kidnapped and almost raped? And when you were held at gunpoint several times? Or attacked by a werewolf? Or when you got drunk and killed your sister’s boyfriend and was on trial for murder? Yea. those don’t even compare.

Raise your hand if you are soooo over Todd and Liz cheating on each other and/or getting jealous and/or fighting in every g-damn book.

Catching Up with the Pen Pals: Palmer dumps Simmie’s ass and then dates a townie

Posted on by
5

Ah, I’ve been neglecting our favorite boy-crazy boarding school broads. When we left off, Palmer stole Amy’s PP, Simmie Randolph tres, and evetyone forgave her for it.

I hate sports-related books. However, boys are involved, so a-okay! There’s a joint tennis tournament between the Ardsley and the girls’ school, so Palmer teams up with Simmie. However, he throws a huge shit fit when it turns out she’s better than him. So she starts playing like shit and actually loses her spot on the tennis team. Then, feminism triumphs over everyone and Palmer realizes she is being an idiot. She also thinks Simmie will ask her to the big dance (fuck, these schools have dances as much as SVH) but then he shows up with another hussy.

Other things happen, like the girls fight and Shanon has a big shit fit because they are not all getting along and her parents forgot to add the extra “n” to her name.

John and Amy write incredibly boring letters to each other, Mars continues to show signs that he has the mentaqlity of a three year old, and Rob and Lisa make sheep’s eyes at each other (as Ma Ingalls would say).

Palmer’s hair looks out of control, but she’s got the bitchface down. I wore the outfit Amy is wearing to my first day of sixth grade.

Sam the Sham, #5. Palmer needs a new pen pal, so the gals take out another ad in the newspaper. Sam writes back, and he is a cute redhead and plays in a band. Palmer and he write 2 short boring letters to each other, and suddenly Palmer is in love. However, it seems that no one at Ardsley has heard of him. The gals take a trip to the mall, and see him…GASP!…as a shoe salesman! How middle class! Apparently he dropped out of Ardsley and now goes to a local high school. Palmer runs away and Sam thinks she is a spoiled bitch, and I agree. Finally, later at another joint dance (again?) Sam’s band The Fantasy is playing and they make up.

Wow, did Pen Pals really jump the shark this early? I know the central plot is writing to boys, but it is just silliness now. I can’t stand John Adams and his dumb poetry, Mars thinking he is clever with his stupid inventions, Shanon’s “whoa is me, I’m a scholarshup girl” crying,and Palmer repeatedly acting like Jessica and Lila combined but the other girls bending over and taking it.

The best thing about the books are the outfits on the covers. They are pretty true to what the descriptions in the books are. Wow Palmer, in your closet of pricey designer clothes, you shose to wear the dress I wore to my Bat Mitzvah?

#92 She’s Not What She Seems: The formula

Posted on by
30

Single White Female

Crazy Margo


Lady Macbeth


Competitive Eating


Vapid friendships


Saved By the Bell group mentality


Donald Trump Hair

She’s Not What She Seems is Evil Twin lite. The Val’ is putting on Macbeth as their school production. Thankfully, they actually reference the time 90 books ago when Bill and Jessica were in Splendor in the Grass. Jessica is obsessed with playing Lady Mac and doesn’t shut up about it. Of course she gets it and gets so into it and herself and her friends start getting annoyyed. [Let's stop here a second and say Shakespeare is hard to pull off for seasoned actors, you really think this stoopid lot can do it?] It takes this to get her friends to hate Jessica?

Paula is the new gal in town, and immediately suctions herself to Jessica’s ass. She becomes her own personal obsessed fan, and trails her and helps her prepair for the part. Eventually everyone hangs out with Paula because she tells them her mom is dead and her Dad beats her. Because having a non-nuclear family in Sweet Valley is the equivalent to having syphilis. You can imagine how much Liz was foaming at the mouth about a new project. Jessica starts to suspect that Paula is…get ready for it…not what she seems! And that she is trying to undermine Jessica. The gang doesn’t believe her and thinks Jessica is jealous.

Finally, just when you think Paula is going to do something like, I don’t know, try to kill Jessica, she goes and makes her miss opening night so she can play Lady Macbeth. And turns out she lied about not having parents. And as using Jessica to be friends with the popular crowd. Eventually everyone finds out and Jessica is reinstated to her elevated status and the homeostasis of Sweet Valley is restored.

Other things:

  • Lila is cast as a witch and is all embarassed and annoyed. Cue the “Lila, you don’t have to act!” comments.
  • Winston is cast as the crazy kooky sidekick. Shocker!
  • Liz is of course in charge of the publicity committee, and they act like this play is fucking summer stock. It’s the headline of the Sweet Valley News, and even LA magazine does a review! Wtf, I am sure people in LA care about a high school play.
  • After every rehearsal, the Scooby gang goes to the DB and get quadrouple orders of onion rings. Per person. Yeeks. Like all those cheerleaders would eat that.
  • The whole gang hangs out together all the time in this one- Lila, Amy, Liz, Annie, Robin, Todd- uh, I thought Liz hated those people? Also, it annoys to no end me that Annie and Robin hang out with this group- the same group that mocked them and say…drove them to a suicide attempt?
  • The SVH teachers are giving less work to cast members and going easy with them on exams. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. They cancel classes to have an assembly everytime a Wakefield has a bowel movement.

For the love of Johnny Johnson

Posted on by
23

It’s pretty obvious that most of the men on LHOTP really bring the fug (‘cept Manly, of course) but Johnny Johnson is so off the grid on the fug. I feel like the plot of For the Love of Johnny Johnson had been repeated about a gazillion times before. Laura falls for a guy, who falls for Mary. Laura gets pissed and Pa and she have a talk, and all is well. Except Laura always did like the older guys. JJ is about 14 and Laura is about, I don’t know, 9? Creepy much? Jason, the scientist guy, was also about 16 when she was about 10 and they go off holding hands in the woods. Creepy!

JJ not only has a face only a mother can love, he has a ridiculous red wig thing on, a stupid hat, and really really really tight overalls. Oy. Who the hell does the casting on this show? Some of the guys are so fug they make Mr. Edwards look like Javier Bardem.

So Laura asks Pa for advice on how to get a guy, and he tells her sexist stuff like “make sure you cook him good food” and basically tells Laura that he originally didn’t have a thing for Caroline, but when she asked him out, he was all what the hell, I’ll get a good meal out of the date. Noyce.

Not particular to this episode, but I have some serious gripes with Casa Ingalls. I know Charles built the place himself with much money, but for god’s sake, would it have killed him to build a wall? Ma and Pa’s bed is basically about three inches from where Ma guts chickens in the kitchen, and the loft is right upstairs. And Ma and Pa ALWAYS talk about issues with the girls when the fricking loft is right above them as if they couldn’t hear! And what about when they want to get a little frisky?

And there is no place to sit except the kitchen table. I am sure Pa could have whipped up an Adironack chair since he is amazing at everything else.

And other thing- the girls and their fucking blue floral dresses that they wear to church or whenever anything fancy comes up. Caroline, seriously, take some time out from your pie baking and cutting off your leg to make them more than one fancy dress.

Chistopher Pike: still got it

Posted on by
9

I know there is a lot of love for Christopher Pike out there, so I wanted to let you all know that I finished reading his adult novel from 2007, Falling.

Wow. Even more than I remember, he has a way with words that still haunts me. He also has a way with building characters that are complex without even having to use a lot of words or backstory. In a way, their actions tell you all you need to know. The plot is pretty simple, and is actually similar to Silence of the Lambs. A mythology-professor-turned-FBI-agent uses the help of a serial killer to track down a kidnapper, with plot twists and turns which I kind of saw coming and kind of didn’t. Along with this, some of the themes include obsessive love and the pain of separation from someone.

What is interesting is that he kind of recycles lots of ideas from his other young adult novels: rock climbing, faking one’s own death for revenge, for example. Despite that, it still works for me.

Wow, it’s difficult for me to write a “normal” and “good” book review. For those of you that like Pike, and those of you not familiar, I would check this out. I ripped through it in two days, and wished it went on forever. It’s a good thing he still seems to be writing, and I hope for more (adult novels).

It’s so hard being Caitlin.

Posted on by
19

Once in a while, someone or something or some high power gives you a gift that makes everything makes sense. It gives me a focus, a purpose, a reason for going on. And that gift is Caitlin: Promises Broken.

Well well where to even to begin? The cover I guess, where Caitlin looks like a model for the JC Penny catalog, circa 1983. The guy coming on to her is supposed to be your standard college guy. You know the kind that wears sweater vests and brown wool blazers. And looks about 40. That’s Julian, a big man on campus. A big man on campus with psychopathic tendencies.

Caitlin has started college at Carleton Hill and Jed is off at agricultural college on Montana. Caitlin’s college, I swear, was imagined by someone who went to college in 1942. Where all the kids hang out in the student union sipping sodas on Friday night. Chyea. A small private college in the middle of nowwhere? More like kids snorting lines of coke off some girl who is naked except for gold lame American Apparel shorts.

Caitlin’s roommate is some sophomore Louise and Louise is all pissed because last year, she was the most popular girl (of the college? Who claims that?) and now everyone just loves Caitlin because she so pretty and awesome and cool and pretty and nice and pretty. Louise is pissed because SHE was the most popular girl last year. Hon, if you are so popular, why are you rooming with a frosh?

Caitlin pines over Jed and plays the martyr and stays in and rejects the THOUSANDS of guys who ask her out. Meanwhile Louise befriends Julian who is strangely obsessed with Caitlin and after he hears that she has a long-distance boyfriend, he becomes obsessed with breaking them up and enlists Louise in his plan. And Louise doesn’t find this weird? Oh right, she’s totally into the plan because Caitlin. must. SUFFER! For taking away her popularity.

Oh, and Julian? Is really…dun dun dun….Jared Stokes! The one that Caitlin met as a kid and when he went to touch her uxurious coat, she freaked out. And this man has been holding this grudge ever since. Seriously. And he probably found the coat Caitlin wore as a child, and sobs and jerks off on it everynight in his dorm room.

So, it is just so rough being as beautiful and awesome as Caitlin, that it’s like dangerous to her, because people will be driven to jealousy! It’s too much to handle! Caitlin has it sooooo haaaard!

So how do they plan on destroying Caitlin? By breaking up her and Jed, so she will know what it’s like to suffer! She’s has everything handed to her her whole life, she needs to know what it’s like to lose. Okay, I’m not one to defend Caitlin, but uh, her mom died when she was born and she didn’t know her father at all. That’s just a lil shitty, come on give her credit for that.

So there is about 75% of the book where Caitlin gets jealous of Jed and Eve being at college together, which gets old before it even starts. Francine, it’s not like we’ve read 100+ books of Liz and Todd and that bullshit. To give Jed credit, he doesn’t have time for Caitlin’s insecure bullshit either. He actually writes an assertive, somewhat straighforward letter.

Caitlin-

I’ll make this letter short. Since you said you’ll be too busy to write much in the next few weeks, I take it that means that you won’t have the time to read my letters either.

I don’t really know what is going on, Caitlin. I can only make guesses. But whatever it is, I don’t like it.

First you call my dorm-so early in the morning that everyone wanted to know what the emergency was- just to check up on me. Then you follow up with a letter telling me how busy you’re going to be because of this sorority you’ve joined. Was the letter meant to make me jealous? If it was, I don’t really appreciate it. I thought our relationship was much deeper.

Or pehaps what you are trying to say is that you’vegone back to being the party girl you were when I first met you. If that’s it, hen obviously you’ve found the right place. Carleton Hill sounds like a real party school.

If you’re too busy to write, I guess I’ll be busy myself for a while. There’s a rodeo coming up, and Eve and I are teaming up for the bulldogging and steer-roping events.

Well, do write if you have the time. And I’ll try to do the same.

Jed

Nice handled Jed! Looks like you’ve been reading this site.

Then in a bizarre plot point, creepy Julian invites Caitlin and her friend Ginny to a group trip to Ft. Lauderdale, and he goes off the grid for creepiness, because as a senior, doesn’t he have other friends than these freshmen girls? And suddenly Caitlin is in love with him and they share a passionate kiss on the beach, and of course don’t have sex.

So it’s over with her and Jed…OR IS IT?

shameless self promotion

Posted on by
9

So I’ll be doing recaps of The Hills for Film.com, check out my first piece on a wrapup of last season. Damn, the show is so easy to hate on. It’s like it was made to be snarked. Please make sure you register on film.com and leave lots of comments on there! The Hills is kind of a modern version of Sweet Valley High, except everyone is a Lila or Jessica. Stay tuned for more, and be sure to read the TV section of that site, I hear the editor is quite a fantastic gal.

Oh, and you can check this out too. Who ever thought I’d write something for a love & relationship site?

Nancy Olsen = Jessica Wakefield

Posted on by
54

I’m glad there is some Little House love on here!

Firstly, thanks nfor pointing out that Dean Butler HAS A BLOG! And talks a ton about Almazo Wilder and LHOTP. Which is cool, but Dean, your role ended about 25 years ago. Let go.

Oh, and also? The real Almanzo Wilder? Quite the hottay.

The Reincarnation of Nellie was sooooo SVH. This is after big bad Nellie moves to New York with her Jewish husband and babies, and Mrs. Olsen gets all freaked out, so Nels suggest they adopt. Well, of course, she loves the bratty blond girl, Nancy.

Everyone in the town is all peeved because Nancy is just as bad as Nellie was, even worse, and they were all just partying in the town square after getting rid of her (actually, Nellie turned to a saint after one episode of meeting Percival). Nancy wears frilly dresses, bows about five times larger than her head, and ringlet curls that I was soooooo jealous of when I was younger. It’s so obvious that it’s a wig. Nancy is a total shrew, and manipulates everyone around her. There’s some pageant at school and she wants to take out her competition so she locks her in the icehouse. See? Total Jessica Wakefield. Then she manipulates her mother and tells everyone that her mother abanonded her. I also feel bad for Willie, who Nancy manipulates and turns their mother against him. I always felt Willie was quite misunderstood.

Serendipidously, Charles finds out from the orphanage owner that Nancy wasn’t really abandoned, and can’t wait to run off to tell the news. In fact, I think he actually leaves the mill to do so. He’s such a busybody! THEN, this is awesome…Laura, ahem, I mean, Mrs. Wilder, convinces the whole fucking town to play a prank on Nancy. Excuse me, isn’t she supposed to be the teacher? And care about the children? So they do a carnival and make Nancy the star of the “mermaid booth” which is really a dunking booth. And then the whole town laughs at her. Bwahahahaha!

You never forget your first time.

Posted on by
29

I guess I never mentioned it before, but No Place to Hide was my first Sweet Valley High book, ever. I think I had been reading a couple of the twins books before I picked this one up at my local B. Dalton. And I remember totally choosing it for the cover.

Yes, that Microsoft Paint magnifying-glass thing totally hooked me. I guess I thought the twins were beyond gorgeous on the cover and my shallow self wanted to glance at the glossy cover and dream of the day that I, too, could grow up and be just as glamorous.

Hoever, I have NO idea why I continued reading, because this was beyond wretched. Maybe even worse than the other non-chlling super thriller. I think after this one I was at the library and saw All Night Long and decided to give it another chance. I cry wolf all the time, but really, this may be the worst one yet.The plotline of this is off the grid. ANd unecessarily complicated.

But, I suppose you want a summary, eh? Okay, I’ll try to muster up the patience to tell you this inane plot.

So it’s back during the summer, and the twins are back working at the newspaper, and Liz is with Jeffrey, and it’s supposedly right after Regina Morrow (shout out to my cat!) has just died. So you work with that timeline.

Oh, the big news? Sweet Valley’s mayoral campaign. Russell Kincaid v. some other old white guy. I can only imagine their campaign promises: “We promise to limit the sumber of ‘minorities’ in the town, make Wakefield day an offical holiday, and build an expansion on the valley mall.” What about the insanse crimes that happen in Sweet Valley?! The cults recruiting innocent kids? The gang warfare?

The twins invite Nicholas Morrow with them to their company picnic down in some podunk town and they take a walk and find this big old house and meet this gal, Barbara who Nicholas gets a big bone for. The big old house belongs to Babs; grandmother, and she is staying there with the housekeeper and her very strict uncle. Okay, so the uncle is kind of a dick and controls Barbara, but Nicholas and the twins kind of freak out and feel it’s a crime and Barbara is totally being abused and want to call Human Rights Watch on them or something. All the man does is give her a curfew and shit.

Nicholas sneaks to the house every night and he and Barbara hang out in the woods, NOT fooling around, NOT groping each other over their clothes, but hanging out with her dog Rory and talking about woe is Babs and her mean family. And talking about possible escape. Um, how about, what movies you like? Silly stuff? They’re teenagers for god’ sake. There are some close calls where they almost get caught and Nicholas keeps getting followed.

Then, of course, instead of calling the police and say, some ADULTS to help, the twins and Nicholas hatch a plan to help Barbara escape. Who do they think they are, the Baby-Sitters Club?

Fast forward about 70 more pages of close calls and Nicholas bemoaning Babs’ plight and we find out that Russell Kincaid, mayoral candidate is the brother to Babs’ Uncle John, and Uncle J wants to get back at Russell for something, so he lures Babs to the house for the summer because she is the spitting image to her grandmother Barbara, who Russell murdered way back in the day, and John wanted him to think he saw a ghost. Because it’s really appropriate to have you middle-aged brother lusting after an underage gal who reminds you of your dead lover. Nice one, ghost writers.

So Barbara of course will never show up in another book, so she breaks up with Nicholas when she moves to Switzerland. To the land of doctors that cure deafness.

Ugh, Terrible. Awful. Shit, the twins are still working at the Valley News? Couldn’t they get real interns from Sweet Valley University? Why am I questioning the logic?

Key parties and quaaludes: the parents of Stoneybrook, CT

Posted on by
27

I came to a realization with a friend the other day (because we somehow incorporate the BSC into everyday convo) and that many of the BSC parents are our age, especially if they have younger children. Weird! So what’s up with their lives? I’ve always wondered:

  • why do they let 13 year olds not only babysit, but constantly allow them to take their kids in baby parades, impromptu day camps and arts classes?
  • So any one them hang out with each other? What’s the scene like? Is Jamie Newton’s dad secretly diddling Ms. Prezzioso? Does Dr. Johansen host key parties? I wonder if there is a seedy bar in Stoneybrook, similar to Kelly’s.
  • Ms. Shaefer/Mrs. Spier otherwise know as Sharon. Cleary she takes hallucinagens and/or smokes copious amounts of weed. Why else would she leave shoes in the fridge and wear dishpans as underwear or whatever other weird stuff she does. Hmmmm…why did Mr. Shaefer leave her?
  • Mr. and Mrs. Pike: Jeez, stop fornicating like bunnies. What’s the rush? Trying to start a cult?
  • Ms. Thomas/ Mrs. Brewer: here’s the real mystery. How does a single mom have time to snag herself a millionaire? I’d love to hear that story. What about Emily- I think that she’s really the bastard child of some Stoneybrook teenager.
  • Can someone call Child Protection Services on Mrs. Barrett? Isn’t Marni left with a three-day old diaper on her?

Sylvia and the curse of developing early

Posted on by
61

Little known fact: I am a huuuuuge fan of Little House on the Prairie. If you’ve never watched it, you are so missing out. In fact, I find it to be surprisingly similar to Sweet Valley High. A little too similar! I could write a dissertation on the paralells between the two. Here’s the main similarities.

  • The morally superior family that needs to tell everyone how to live their lives and raise their families (The Ingalls/Wakefields)
  • Incredibly cheesy love interests (Johnny Johnson/Jason the science guy/Almanzo/Todd)
  • Dramatic events happening all the time: kidnapping, death, deception, people going blind
  • The rich, obnoxious townsfolk who think their money makes them superior (The Olsesons/The Patmans and Fowlers)
  • The idyllic town that anyone who doesn’t live in is missing out (Walnut Grove/Sweet Valley)
  • “Guest star” townspeople who are never heard from again after their featured episode (book)
  • Nellie Olsen = Jessica Wakefield

Thanks to the wonderful invention of TiVo, I can catch the episodes I love. Much to my joy, the two part “Sylvia” episode was on. You feelin’ me? Have you SEEN this one? It’s totally out of control, and ridiculous. It could be an SVH magna edition.

Sylvia is the new gal in school (why have we not seen her before?) and really fills out her prairie dress, if you know what I mean. The boys, including Albert and Willie, totally get all hot under their suspenders over her, because they are a bunch of horndogs. They sneak over to her house and try to peak at her. Her grouchy father thinks it’s because Sylvia teases them. So does Ms. Olsen. In fact, she calls a fucking school board meeting about it and calls Sylvia a cock tease in front of like, Doc Baker and Mr. Garvey and company. Mrs. Wilder (aka Liz Wakefield) defends her. [Also, I love how Laura went from pigtails in one episode to a neat bun in her hair and now she's the sensible adult.]

So then…we see that some creepy guy is following her around and stalking her, and then one day in the meadow he puts on a mime mask and rapes her! Wow, Little House, you sure you want to go there?

She comes home and tells her father, and he is all “Trollop! Slut!” and tells her not to tell anyone. She freaks out the next day in school when some boy touches her and Doc Baker seems bruises on her body but her father scares the fuck out her so she says she fell.

Albert totally digs the post-traumatic syndrome and he and Sylvia start going out. [You know people are in love on LHOTP when they carve initials in a tree.] There’s this hilarious scene where the water is in the background and there is a closeup of he and Sylvia coming in slo mo towards each other, then a close-mouthed kiss. So horrid.

Oh, but wait! Sylvia collapses and school because she is preggers! Everone thinks it’s Albert! They decide to elope! Her father tries to send her away! He is punishing her for being raped! Btw, Albert is super fug as a teenager. In fact, most people on this show are quite unattractive. The exception being Alamonzo Wilder- what a bod!

So finally they decide to run away and elope and Sylvia hides in a barn while Albert gets supplies. Meanwhile, weird rapist comes after her and she runs up a latter, but the father shoots him. Sylvia falls of the ladder, and dies…but like four hours later. It’s all very tragic. And scandalous. When I saw this at age eight I was seriously confused. I think I still am.

Hmmmm, if people are game, I may write more about Little House, because there is much drama that happens down by Plum Creek.

I want to get backstage with Flirting with Danger, if you know what I mean

Posted on by
20

So I’ve been totally neglecting Sunset Island, and not sure how many of you are into it, but if you are not, you are really missing out. Seriously. Go on ebay, get the whole series, then lock youself in your house for the weekend and read them. Seriously, it’s worth it.

Sunset Scandal so boring I barely remember it. Kurt somehow gets framed for a crime and is in jail and we are reminded how hard it is for him because he is working class, boo fucking hoo, and Emma is so rich, boo-fucking hoo, and Emma and he fight as usual. Think Liz and Todd. All works out in the end. Moving on.

ZOMG! I think I passed out after I read this one, both the first time and recently. So the local band, Flirting with Danger, is holding auditions for back-up dancers and singers (which makes them very much more Wham! than Bon Jovi). So all the gals from the island are falling all over themselves to try out. Of course, Carrie is happy just being with Billy, the singer, and wearing overalls and comfy shoes and being the band photographer. Sam, the slutty crazy redhead, is kind of dating Presley Travis, the hot bass player. Presley is from Nashville and only talks in southern cliches. And his accent is sometimes spelled phonetically, kind of like Logan Bruno. I think that is supposed to be Presley shirtless on the bottom and oh my lord! Hot stuff. I used to think he looked like Mike Tramp of the band White Lion.

Of course Sam makes the cut, and convinces Emma to try out also and of course Emma is also picked because suddenly she can also sing and dance. But….dun dun dun…their arch enemy Diana De Witt is also chosen and they fight a lot because Diana is constantly trying to get into Presley’s and Billy’s pants.

The nineties outfits are rampant, including Emma’s audition outfit: “She had on baggie white shorts held up by a braided leather belt, and a hot pink and white lycra bra top.” Also, another auditioner was “wearing an acid green spandex number with thin straps that ran up the center of her breasts, and nothing underneath it.” I am not sure, but I remember at some point, Presley rocks the bike shorts with a neon green oversized tank top. Shudder.

Also, when the gals wanted to look all sexy, they would go braless with a thin shirt. Sam wears “denim cutoffs, a man’s sleeveless white ribbed T-shirt with nothing underneath, and her famous red cowboy boots.” I guess for nineteen year olds with perky ones, that sounds good, but for me I just think pain while walking. Gee Sam, I hope that it doesn’t get cold. But maybe that is what you want!

Oh, then Sam finally locates her birthmother, and is a little peeved that her mother is drab, chubby and Jewish. Seriously.