Yea, me neither. But this one will give you a glimpse into her boring suburban upbringing.

Sally Larson grew up in foster homes and without a nuclear family, so therefore she is a sad, pathetic sack of shit. She is going to come live with her aunt and cousins, who is Dana Larson, lead singer of the Droids. Dana is totally stoked to have a project, and Sally has no personality of her own so she is thrilled to live with the glamorous Dana. Dana tried to make her over but Sally’s not into it. Dana’s bro Jeremy acts like a total asshole to Sally because his parents made him move his room to the attic so Sally can have it. So he treats her like shit. Sally decides she can’t go out with his friend because then Jeremy would hate her more. Still with me? Yea, I can barely keep my eyes open.

Sally decides she may want to work for The Oracle, and also because she gets to be around the awesome, beautiful Liz Wakefield. Liz has multiple orgasms when she finds out Sally is a former foster child needing some guidance. However, Sally is pissed that Sally is doing stuff other than worshipping her, and she doesn’t want to make Sally mad, so…this is the epic tragic struggle…she has to say no to Liz when Liz asks her to hang out with her at the mall! Oh my god, it’s just like Schindler’s List.

So then Dana starts resenting Sally because Sally tries to be extra helpful around the house and it makes Dana look bad for being a lazy shit. Finally Sally and Jeremy Mark are driving home from somewhere and Jeremy picks up two hitchhikers who threaten Jeremey to let them take the girls to Kelly’s with them. Sally is all “I’ll take one for the team and be kidnapped and raped, and allow Dana to go free. You know, because she’s just been so friendly to me” so she lets the guys take her to the bar. Dana and Jeremy go get Mark and there is a big rumble at the bar, and Dana and Jeremy realize that they love Sally and don’t want to send her away.

But….good news! The Larsons decide they are going to adopt Sally. Here’s my question: WHY DID THEY WAIT SO LONG? The poor girl was shuffled from foster home to foster home and she had living, well-off relatives that were known? I call bullshit on whatever caseworker Sally had.

Oh, and we can’t have a non-Wakefield plot, so this is the book that introduced Prince Albert the dog. Jessica sneaks the puppy in the house and they hide it from their parents while they try to convince Nalice they want a puppy. And then one day during a walk they lose the puppy. However, one day, Ned comes home from the pound with a puppy and fuck wouldncha know it’s Prince Albert. So the twins never get in trouble for keeping the dog and losing him! It’s such an Ingalls family moment.

Some really choice quotes in this one.

“Sally looked quickly in the direction her aunt indicated, almost expecting to see the same girl she had played with when they were kids. But standing in another doorway was a tall, leggy blond, whose pretty features were crowned by an outrageous hairstyle. She was wearing skin-tight, black stirrup pants and a gold lame dinner jacket, sleeves pushed up, over a black and white checkered shirt.” Whoa. It’s like she’s a backup singer on the Genesis tour.

“Elizabeth looked so earnest, so sypathetic, Sally thought. More than anything else right now, she desperately needed someone to confide in, someone she could count on as a friend. And Elizabeth Wakefield seemed to fit the part perfectly.” Watch out Sally! She practices that look in the mirror every night!

“Elizabeth nodded, thoughtfully rubbing her chin. “Uh-huh, I think she really needs some friends.” “Elizabeth Wakefield to the rescue!” Enid teased, raising her hand in the air. “Fear not, all you sad, lonely people! Elizabeth will save you!”" Hah, Enid grew some balls.