Tonight’s dramatic reading of Caitlin: True Love will be performed by:
Megon Fox ………. Caitlin Ryan
Generic Abracrombie Model …………. Jed Michaels
William Zabka …………… Laurence
Anne Ramsey ………….. Regina Ryan
Freddy Highmore …………….. Ian
My Little Pony ……………… Duster
George Hamilton……………… Dr. Westlake
Oh Caitlin, thanks for picking me, despite you still being in love with Jed. I know my blond good looks and pleated chinos totally turn you on.
Yes, Laurence, you are a nice second choice. Ever since Jed dumped me for admitting that I was the one that poisoned the dean’s son and made him paralyzed, I need a distraction.
Great. Let’s go dust our mallard duck decoys and be mean to our housekeepers.
—-
Jed! Funny running into you here! Can’t we talk?
No, bitch! ps, I’m distant and aloof.
Why won’t you talk to meeeeeeeeeeee?
You’re not who I thought you are. You poison little kids and lie about it.
Oh the agony! My only relief is riding my horse Duster.
Neigh.
———–
Caitlin, can I talk to you?
No, go away! I know that we found out that you are really my father, but I have to deny myself any chance of happiness so I can heighten the drama in my life!
Ok. I’ll be back at my super successful medical practice thinking of your mother, who I didn’t even know was pregnant.
—
Hi Caitlin! I am glad you are spending so much time with me! It really is nice that it doesn’t seem like you have an unterior motive or anything.
Yes Ian! With the power of my goodness and reformed bitchiness, by god you will walk again!….But I must confess about what I did….I left the shed door open and you as a stupid child went in and ate chemicals, and somehow that made your legs paralyzed. That doesn’t seem to make medical sense, but it happened!
I hate you! Never talk to me again!
———–
Yay! I am so excited to be going on this field trip! I am glad that Gradmother allowed the school to use her abandoned mining site for our picnic! Nothing can go wrong!
Yea, maybe I can get to first base with you, finally.
Sure, why don’t we take a walk and exlore some abandoned tunnels? That seems totally safe and harmless.
OK!………Hey what’s down here?
Laurence, noooo!
Halp! I’m trapped!
Let me help you!
Ah, now I’m stuck!
Don’t worry! I’ll save you both!
Jed! I thought you hated me!
Yes, but now that your life hangs in danger, I can’t live without you!
I love you too Jed!
Um, can someone please save me?
—-
Oh Caitlin! For all these years I’ve withheld my love from you! But now I must tell you that I am a bitter old bitch and let’s make this about you!
My life is perfect! I’m beautiful, raven-haired, and I’ve managed everyone in my life to focus solely on me! What could POSSIBLY go wrong in my future………….
Oh Caitlin. *sigh*
That was SUPERB.
The brush in the My Little Pony pic plus the “Neigh”? Amazing. So amazing that if I were paralyzed from eating chemicals, that picture alone would help me regain the strength to walk.
(How old/stupid is Ian that he randomly ate chemicals?)
Hahah that was completely amazing!! I agree with jms, the my little pony was amazing. I nearly fell out of my chair laughing when I saw that.
Is anyone else freaked out by Megan Fox.
Also, I had an erotic dream about William Zabka the other night. No joke.
awesome!
do it again!
Who the hell is Megan Fox? She has some mean teeth and fierce eyebrows.
Brilliant – anything with Billy Zabka is okay in my book
Megan Fox doesn’t even look like a real person in the main photo, she looks like a waxwork.
Fantastic! Yay for Caitlin recaps!
This made me spit coffee all over my keyboard.
i ♥ megan fox
I can’t help it!
Megan Fox is CREEPAY! Who is she anyway? Good call on the casting!! Anne Ramsay is also CREEPAY……
“OK!………Hey what’s down here?
Laurence, noooo!
Halp! I’m trapped!”–I seriously thought this was a reference to Caitlin and Laurence’s hooking up and I almost wet myself!
BTW- don’t feel bad about the William Zabka erotic dream, George Hamilton and his golden tan have always gotten me thru a lonely night…….(ok- j/k! Now I have to go throw-up!)
I have newfound respent for My Little Pony. Best. Part. Ever.
That’s respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Hilarious. I hate Megan Fox. I prefer Laurence over Jed anyday.
I thought I was the only one freaked out by her.
Ahh! I can’t read this yet! I just got my copy in the mail last night and don’t wan to ruin the INCREDIBLY AMAZING AND UNEXPECTED PLOT TWISTS!
That was effing beautiful, man! *wipes tear*
To quote my sister: “Megan Fox looks like a blow-up sex doll.”
She’s totes had plastic surgery…not a good idea as it makes her look a) fake and b) old.
ihatewheat, you’ve outdone yourself. Cracked. My. Shit. Up.
“You’re not who I thought you are. You poison little kids and lie about it.”
BWAH! Pure gold! ihatewheat, your genius knows no bounds.
Also, chiming in with The Black Sheep and Beth, to ask who the f*ck is Megan Fox? And what has she been in? Aside from softcore porn, that is.
She was in that Transformers movie.
Wowzas….I’ve been an ihatewheat devotee for over a year now, and this is just more stellar work…*cries over the beauty of the snark*
This was amazing. Do other recaps like this again! I loved the My Little Pony. And very good casting.
Any new SVH coming up soon? I love this site so much. I’m addicted.
Awesome. Just freakin’ awesome.
So her boyfriend dumped her because she accidentally left the shed door open and a kid ran in and ate poison? O-kay.
Kudos on adapting this for the stage.
Love it!
Megan Fox seemed to be normal back in the day. (She was on Hope and Faith and looked like any old kinda pretty brunette.) But now, she is kinda freaky looking–like she is supposed to be WAY older than she really is. I wonder if in 5 years she is going to be lamenting how she never is offered “serious” movie roles (like Jessica Alba).
Man, that Pony is the best! She sums up the plotline the best in one word!
Don’t chemicals usually fuck up your brain or eyes, not limbs? Maybe his mom really ate the chemicals and it was some sort of residual birth defect and they had to blame it on Ian to protect the family. I have now totally just thought up a new sub-plot for the book I am planning on writing.
Many thanks for the info, Lemur and Kate! I’m hopelessly out of the loop re: new movies and TV shows. Looking at the pictures that ihatewheat posted, I totes agree that the Botox look is not flattering. And the girl is only 22 years old! Eewww…
ETA: Here’s another picture of Fox c/o Wikipedia in which she actually looks much better: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Megan_Fox
Then again plastic surgery is exactly what Caitlin would do. ‘Cause you know, she’s “MADE OF WIN” …and silicon.
Bravo! Wheat, please tell me you’re going to do the Promise trilogy as well….
Thanks everyone! Actually, I write these kind of reviews when I am too lazy to write a longer review.
Fuck yea I’m doing the promise trilogy. You think I could sleep not knowing what happens to Jed and Caitlin?
Totally awesome! Pleeease do an SV book in this format!
And the neigh with the brush! I almost died!
We need a poll to vote on the stupidest Caitlin book! I’d prolly vote for #2 in the first trilogy, Love Lost, because of the “date rape = he really loves you and is hurting” as well as the miraculous coma recovery. But then again, there is the last book in the three trilogies, Together Forever, which has more miraculous character turn-arounds and supposed-to-be-romantic-but-really-just-fucking-disturbing relationship drama with Jed. I hate Jed.
Snort. I have never even read the Caitlyn books but this was outstanding.
Megan Fox totally looks like a porn star who has been rode hard and put away wet. I secretly am entertained by the fact that she is engaged to Brian Austen Green, star of 90210 (which, like Sweet Valley High, was better when I was younger)
Megan Fox is also in the Lindsey lohan movie, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen
*is totally embarrassed that i remember and even sorta like that movie*
“Rode hard and put away wet”!! That has to be the best metaphor, EVER!!!! Um- she’s engaged to Brian Austin Green??? He must love him some porn-star wannabes! Wasn’t he with Vanessa Whatshername from General Hospital and Vegas?
ah! I thought she was in that Lindsay Lohan movie! Whinnypeg Damsel totally with you there, we need an Sweet Valley one of these!!
Megan Fox used to be super beautiful and has now been reduced to the kind of drag queen that performs at the wrong end of the Amsterdam harbour cafés… Which of course totally fits for the most forgettable bitch ever, Caitlin! Jed is unbelievable… He’s supposed to be VERY kind and sensitive yet just seems shallow and short attention spanned… What happened to his complete and utter devotion to Miss girl-who-was-poor-and-therefore-unremarkable? Does she get a mention in book two?
Whoa, back it up. Date rape? You mean, someone in a Francine Pascal book actually had sex?
If you guys haven’t seen No More Kings – Sweep the Leg, starring William Zabka, check it out.
It’s hilarious.
forgot to give the link
Hysterical! I lovedthe “generic Abercrombie model.” I don’t know what was funnier that label, or a My Little Pony neighing in the middle of it.
Seriously, what kind of stupid kid who can walk, talk, and dress himself goes into sheds and randomly eats chemicals? Caitlin’s not responsible for every stupid person in the world, is she? NEIGH, she is not!
And mock BAG if you want, but he’s hot on that Terminator show. He loves to blow the shit up!
BAG, hot?! Have you been eating chemicals, Jen S? Stop it, stop it!
And Kuus, no, it never actually happens. Jed is sooooo sensitive that he “can’t do it, not even to you!” and runs off. Erectile dysfunction = SOOPER sensitive.
Did this take forver to do (inserting the pics and alternating back and forth)?
Though it doesn’t really matter, since I’d still demand more of it.
“Caitlyn, can we talk?” + George Hamilton’s 80s head shot=bliss.
Oh my GOD, that was awesome. More dramatic readings!
Also, am I the only one who thinks that picture of Caitlin on the cover is really freaky and not at all OMGZ ~*~*~*bee-yootiful*~*~*~?
That was BRILLIANT! I’m having to crouch over my computer screen at work here and stop from laughing out loud. Damn, I knew I should have waited till I get home.
Great recap, more of the same please.
I think the picture of Caitlin on the cover looks suspiciously like Yasmine Bleeth.
OMG, this ranks juuuuust below the LOL SVH with my absolute favorite thing I’ve ever seen on this site. Well played, ma’am. Well played.
I agree with amandahugnkiss – this is up there with the LOLSVH in terms of sheer frigging genius. It takes a lot to make me laugh before work on a Friday, you did it. You’re brilliant
And yeah, the girl on the cover looks like some high-spirited possibly-orphaned-not-as-pretty-as-her-sister-but-has-more-balls heroine from a generic historic romance novel.
TEE 4eva @ the MLP as Duster!
Rumor has it Yasmeeeeen Bleeeeeth was, in fact, the cover model. I’ve had a couple people email me that factoid, but never had it confirmed.
Genius!
Yep, she and B.A.G. are engaged. I find it sort of hilarious because she’s supposedly this “It Girl” and well, let’s face it, he’s sort of a has been and is way older than her. Attraction is strange sometimes. Hehe.
Frighteningly, this jogged my memory to the point I actually remembered READING this book as a tween. I really bought two Caitlyn books?
Fanfriggingtastic!!
This is awesome on so many levels. Excellent casting. Breathtaking adapted script.
Really, how can you miss with such brilliant material to work with?
As far as the whole paralysis from eating chemicals:
I (vaguely) remember the book making a couple of points:
1) the doctor saying that it is weird for a kid Ian’s age to go around eating unknown substances, but the chemical looked like powdered substance.
2) The chemicals themselves didn’t cause the paralysis but rather, made him sick, resulting in him falling over and presumably, injuring his head or something.
you are crack to the pipe of my mind..how I’ve missed this.
“powdered substance” = powdered sugar
Remind me to proofread.
I always thought it looked like Yasmine, too. I could not believe Meghan is the same girl from “Hope and Faith.” What happened to her face? It’s like a porn version of Angelina…somehow I think she’d take that as a compliment though.